Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.
It’s funny? Sad? I dunno. Sometimes I feel like the more I try to change, the more I stay the same. Two steps forward, one step back. Over and over and over. I feel like the more I try to find myself, to be a more authentic version of myself, the more it seems to offend others.
I think the biggest way I changed was when I left my marriage to a narcissist. I didn’t know at the time, or years preceding my departure that that is in fact what he was. I didn’t know that it was psychological abuse or financial abuse or emotional abuse. I didn’t know it because it was how I grew up pretty much. It was almost “normal”.
Then things just started to feel wrong. Like wait, this isn’t normal. But I couldn’t put a finger on it. One day, while I was playing World of Warcraft with some people I was in a guild with, I was on Vent with them and we were chatting. While I was queued up, my Ex who’s not yet my Ex came into my room and started raging at me and yelling about I don’t even remember what. I was mortified! Everyone heard him. I released my queue up key. We argued. About whatever the hell he chose to be pissed off at that time. He left the room and it was done, for the time being.
I queued up in Vent and apologized profusely to all who heard him. They were more concerned with my welfare and kept asking if I was okay. Was I in danger? Would he physically harm me? After reassuring them I was okay, one of the guys on there pulled me into another channel. He was a counselor that dealt with battered women. He asked me if I knew what I just experienced was abuse. I tried to brush it off, but he wouldn’t let it go. He asked questions, I answered. We talked for awhile. And then I realized he was right. I was in fact in an abusive situation and didn’t even know it. He encouraged me to seek out a shelter or at least a place where I could get some counseling. I did. There was a local office within walking distance. The lady there showed me where she would have us stay if we chose to leave. The down side, I would have been completely cut off from everyone and everything. Since it wasn’t physical, I felt guilty about taking a spot from someone who needed it way more than I did.
The counselor there talked with me a few times. We established that even though it wasn’t physical it was still abuse and I needed to find a way out. She gave a pamphlet on the cycle of abuse that I was experiencing. She told me to go home and discuss it with my girls and get there feed back. We did, they also agreed that it was indeed what was happening.
I know, where am I going with this right? I dunno, I feel like I’m rambling. I will get to a point, I hope. Anyway, it was agreed (or so I thought) that we needed to find a way out of the situation. The counselor assured me that the center would help in anyway that I need should I want them to. But the more I looked for an escape, the more I felt I was sinking deeper into a pit with no way out. It was at least three years before I would have a chance to get out.
I became close with my S.O.’s mother, and we would talk often or text or PM on Facebook. She knew my situation. After a year of friendship, she offered me a place to go to. All I had to do was get there. I had been saving money that I got from doing some child care and I sold some things with the help of my friend in GA. I found an inexpensive flight out. I sat down with my girls and proposed the plan. To my dismay, they chose to stay with him. Knowing what they knew, that they chose to stay broke my heart. They were old enough to make the decision and I could not force them. They said they were chosing to stay because they didn’t want to leave their friends. My oldest, I think, wanted to come with me but didn’t want to leave her sister behind. I had to make the hardest decision of my life.
I feel so guilty for leaving them. But I was losing more and more of myself the longer I stayed. I felt like I wasn’t just losing my identity but my sanity as well. I had to decide if my mental health was worth saving. I hoped I was making the right choice. And so the night before I was scheduled to fly out, I told him I was leaving and I didn’t know how long I would be gone. But I needed to figure things out. I had been telling him I wanted a divorce but he wouldn’t do it. And so I left.
So I would say that in my leaving, it was the biggest change for me. It was probably the first time I took charge of my path and changed it’s direction. I left a situation that was harmful to me and my sanity. That is a really big change! Especially when so many times I stayed in unhealthy situations or repeatedly returned to them. Even though my reasons for leaving a valid, I don’t feel any less guilty about doing it because it meant leaving my girls too. Maybe they are stronger than I am. Maybe I just reached the end of my rope after a life time of going from one abuser to another.
But even though I am out of that scenario, I still find it hard to stand up for myself and my beliefs. I find it hard to not feel guilty for leaving my girls. Maybe that makes me human, or maybe that just means I’m a mom. Maybe I’m just a selfish heartless bitch.
Change is hard, making choices is hard. I second guess, third guess, over think just about every single thing I do. ( Except when it comes to coffee!! 😀 ) Should I buy this or that, should I say something or not, should I do something or not. Every.Single.Thing is over thought. I’m trying to change that, but when you’ve been conditioned as I have it’s a difficult task.
So my point, did I even make one? I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t post this, maybe I should start over on something else. Maybe I should just go and hit “publish”. But I think the bottom line or point is this: taking a stand for myself and leaving was in my best interest and a HUGE Change.