Day 30 – Celebrate!!!

Today’s Nudge: Celebrate.

Hey….HEY!  I did it!!!  I blog for 30 days!!!  On two blogs, 60 posts. PHEW!!!!!!!  This has been the first challenge that I stuck with from start to finish. I’m awed that I completed it, really I am.

I am looking forward to continuing to blog next month.  Thank so much Effy for your PDF of prompts for October.

I hope that I don’t bury within myself the insights I gained through this challenge. I have a tendency to do that. I have these epiphanies, revelations.  I think about how I need to address them and what I should do to that affect.  And I end up tucking them away in a box in the corner of my mind.  I don’t want to do that again, not this time.

I loved meeting all of you through this blog along, reading your stories. I look forward to reading more from each of you.

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Day 29 – Recap

 Today’s Nudge: Recap the month.

Is it day 29 already? Didn’t we just start? Tomorrow’s the last day? Boy time sure does fly!

I can’t hardly believe that I actually have blogged for almost 30 days! And on two blogs! Sometimes I’m a little more open there than I am here, because I a pen name there. There were days that I almost didn’t want to post because I was so tired.  Or I had something to do that day and it would be late in the evening before I posted.  But I’ve sat my ass in the chair at the computer and blogged every damn day!  It feels good.

I don’t know if I will keep up both blogs on a daily basis.  But I would like to see myself posting regularly.

I feel like I may have grown a little.  Some days were uncomfortable to write, others were plain hard. Yet there were those that were almost a piece of cake.  I have felt vulnerable and exposed as I opened up here.  There is so much more that has not been said.  Topics not covered.  To hear that I am not alone and that some of you have been through similar things brought me some sense of ease.  Just knowing that, makes me feel a little less crazy.  And when I start to feel otherwise, I can come back here and read the comments to remind.

I think I have discovered somethings or perhaps uncovered.  One thing I realized is that I am still living to please other people without regard to my own happiness.  I don’t do things I want to do because I think someone else won’t like it.  I won’t cook certain things because someone else won’t eat it. I hesitate to write any of my story ideas on the computer because my typing might (or does) annoy someone.  I don’t sing out loud any more, I don’t dance to my favorite song any more.

There is a quote that comes to mind, and it is this

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: “When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence? – Gabrielle Roth

And I think that perhaps this makes Effy a Shaman, a Medicine Woman among us.  She inadvertently asked us these questions very gently and quietly.  With a nudge.

See you all tomorrow to wrap up this adventure with a final post for September.

 

Day 28 – Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?

Wherefore art thou?

I don’t know.  Lost?  Maybe, Probably.  Adrift?  Possibly.  Lonely?  Yeah, sometimes.  So much of the time I feel like I am on a merry-go-round or a see-saw.  I keep getting distracted from things.  Falling off the path, wagon; falling down a rabbit hole.  Sometimes that rabbit hole leads to something, but most times it ends nowhere and I’m back at the start.

I don’t want it to be this way anymore.  But the only way it will stop, is if I make it stop. I’m torn really between fighting it and embracing it.  I know off the beaten path has its perks. But at the same time, I really want some sense of stability in my creative practice and spiritual one.  I am not well versed in either, so this will be a HUGE learning process.

I have spent way too much time waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop”. I may or may not ever get my divorce.  The purchase of the house may or may not work out.  I may or may not ever find a tribe or fit in or find my place in this small world of ours.  What I do know is that I have spent much too much time waiting.  Sitting in a place of limbo. When is enough, enough?

Exactly one month from now, I will turn 48 years old.  Two years from now, I will turn 50 years.  I want something to show for it. I want my days to have meaning to them.  There are days that the only energy I have is to get through the day. Those are the days where sitting, standing, walking, or laying hurt. But there are other days that are better and I am not utilizing those days to the fullest.  I, most days, end up waiting for the pain to kick because it almost feels inevitable.  (The only diagnosis I have so far is chronic pain with the possibility of fibromyalgia.)

The other day, a thought popped into my head.  I picked up a cheap version of a Moleskine at Walmart on clearance for $1, it’s a dotted journal. I also picked one up with lines for $4 at a different location a few days earlier. And I do have true Moleskine and what’s called a Travel Moleskine, both of which I picked up at the thrift store at 1.50 for the travel and 2.99 for the blank unlined one.  I haven’t been able to decide what to use them for.  Then the thought came….”A Year With My Muse”.  I am starting with the dotted because it was cheap and if I screw up I won’t feel so bad.  (I’m lying! I’ll feel like shit!!! LOL)  Now, it may not be an every day thing, but at best a weekly thing.  I don’t know how much of a beating the Exceed journals can take.  The plan is to write, art journal, make dream spreads, whatever it takes to reconnect with my Muse.

The unlined Moleskine I got for 2.99 and underneath is a handmade journal with watercolor paper that was 1.99.

The Butterfly, Dragonfly, and Hummingbird have been very predominant around me this summer. The Dragonfly and Hummer more so than past summers.  I’m feeling drawn to Mary Magdalene, but can’t find a thing to show me who she might connect to in the Celtic pantheon.

I am antsy to start but at the same time want to wait until my birthday.  So I thought maybe to prep my first journal.  I’ve been looking up how to decorate or paint the cover. I wanted to use my Sakura Jelly Rolls but they look to be smudging.  So I am currently stuck.  Looks like I might be falling down the YouTube rabbit hole to hunt for ideas.

In closing this post, I think if I were to say where I was it would have to be that I am in Transition.

Day 27 – Humanity

Today’s Nudge: Share a human moment you’ve had recently.

I feel like I am an empath.  There are days, when things in the world are particularly heavy, I physically feel the weight of it all.  My heart aches, my chest hurts.  I have to step away from social media for the day because it all gets too much.

It is breaking my heart that the people of Puerto Rico and the other island territories that have been decimated by Irma and Maria are virtually being told FUCK YOU!  These people are as much as an American as I am.  We were all born here, we are all citizens. They deserve every ounce of aide and humanitarian efforts as we can.  It makes me sick to think their lives are coming down to money and politics.

You may or may not know the PNW has been burning all summer long.  Unless you live in the region, you probably don’t know that.  I’ve heard from people on the other side of the US that it has never been mentioned on the news.

We have earthquakes in Mexico.  Three in two weeks now? The death toll jumped to over 300.  They are our neighbors.  They were willing to come in and help Texas, and I believe they did not sure as not much was said about it after they offered to aide the state.  And I’m sure they need help looking for survivors and other humanitarian aide, but that Wall ya know.

FUCK IT ALL!  I hate to say it, but I’m glad my Grandma isn’t alive to see this.  This is not the country she loved so much and fought so hard to come back to with her sons. This is not the country she told them stories about, we are not a great country at all.

I’m sorry, but I have no where else to vent my pain. So about a human moment.  Okay then.  I don’t get out too much.  One car, I don’t drive anyway, gas is expensive, everything is at minimum 20ish minutes away on a good day.  But a few days ago, we were in Wal-mart at the check out.  This little old man came up behind us in line. He was in one of those motorized carts and had oxygen.  He was maybe in his 70s or so.  I glanced at him and got the impression that putting his goods on the counter was going to be a tiresome endeavor.  I almost did nothing. But I swear my Grandma nudged me to help the man.

So I turned to him and asked if he would like me to help him place his good on the counter.  I think he was shocked, if not surprised and didn’t answer right away.  I just started putting his things up for him, all the while he just watched me silently.  When I was done, he took a very deep breath and said a soft thank you.  But his eyes said it all. All it takes is one act.  One small act, to help someone, to be human.

 

Day 26 – What I Want

Today’s nudge: Compare what you used to want with what you presently want.

Once upon a time, I wanted a house with a yard and all the things that go with it.  Once I wanted to be a teacher, a doctor or nurse, a paramedic. I wanted to belong, to fit in, to be “normal”.  As a child, I didn’t think I wanted to get married.  But then I did and I should have listened to the child I was.  There were a lot of things I thought I wanted, even needed.

As I have grown older, hopefully a little wiser, I realize I don’t need all the things society tries to tell me that I do.  Honestly, I would be happy with a Gypsy Caravan in the woods within walking distance to the ocean.  With a little garden patch to grow my vegetables and herbs, also a flower garden!  But tis only a dream, for I don’t see that realistically happening.  Not now anyway.

I don’t need a traditional career even though society tells me I do.  Writing, painting, and photography are nice hobbies they would say, but don’t quit your day job.  But to be perfectly honest, once I never even consider these “hobbies” as something I would even do.  Now, I can’t imagine not doing them no matter how inconsistent I can be.

Society tells us we have to be wed in order to be entitled to certain benefits.  I had been thinking that once, if I ever get my divorce, that I might want to try again with my S.O. Once we both thought it was what we wanted.  But I think we are both seeing a different side of things in society and those around us that makes us question whether marriage is even a good idea.

I’ve always felt like that black sheep in the family.  Perhaps I was (am), perhaps it’s all my imagination, or just a trickle down affect of how others felt about my mother.  I used to feel like I didn’t have friends because of her. Either she didn’t allow me to have them, or once the parents found out who my mother was they didn’t want their child associating with me. I always wanted to feel like I belong to a family, that I was truly a part of one. Yet I still feel lots of times like I am the outsider.  The square peg trying to fit in a round hole.  I used to think I wanted …needed LOTS of friends.  These days I would settle for a close knit tribe of a small number.

I used to want to be around or at least thought I did, people with different views and knowledge.  And perhaps in some ways that is still true.  But I would really like to be around like minded people.  People that share my views or have similar interests, that don’t make fun of or ridicule you and make you feel stupid because you are interested in things that are different from the “norm”. (Think Goddess, herbal remedies, Tarot, etc)

As I look back over this post, I am definitely on a different path from the one I once was on.  The things I thought I wanted oh so long ago are not the same as the things I want now.  I have changed, hopefully in a good way.  Maybe being the black sheep isn’t so bad after all.

 

Day 25 – How I Changed (Or Did I?)

Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.

It’s funny? Sad? I dunno.  Sometimes I feel like the more I try to change, the more I stay the same. Two steps forward, one step back.  Over and over and over.  I feel like the more I try to find myself, to be a more authentic version of myself, the more it seems to offend others.

I think the biggest way I changed was when I left my marriage to a narcissist.  I didn’t know at the time, or years preceding my departure that that is in fact what he was.  I didn’t know that it was psychological abuse or financial abuse or emotional abuse.  I didn’t know it because it was how I grew up pretty much.  It was almost “normal”.

Then things just started to feel wrong. Like wait, this isn’t normal.  But I couldn’t put a finger on it.  One day, while I was playing World of Warcraft with some people I was in a guild with, I was on Vent with them and we were chatting.  While I was queued up, my Ex who’s not yet my Ex came into my room and started raging at me and yelling about I don’t even remember what. I was mortified! Everyone heard him. I released my queue up key. We argued.  About whatever the hell he chose to be pissed off at that time. He left the room and it was done, for the time being.

I queued up in Vent and apologized profusely to all who heard him.  They were more concerned with my welfare and kept asking if I was okay.  Was I in danger? Would he physically harm me? After reassuring them I was okay, one of the guys on there pulled me into another channel.  He was a counselor that dealt with battered women.  He asked me if I knew what I just experienced was abuse.  I tried to brush it off, but he wouldn’t let it go.  He asked questions, I answered.  We talked for awhile.  And then I realized he was right.  I was in fact in an abusive situation and didn’t even know it.  He encouraged me to seek out a shelter or at least a place where I could get some counseling. I did.  There was a local office within walking distance.  The lady there showed me where she would have us stay if we chose to leave.  The down side, I would have been completely cut off from everyone and everything.  Since it wasn’t physical, I felt guilty about taking a spot from someone who needed it way more than I did.

The counselor there talked with me a few times.  We established that even though it wasn’t physical it was still abuse and I needed to find a way out.  She gave a pamphlet on the cycle of abuse that I was experiencing.  She told me to go home and discuss it with my girls and get there feed back.  We did, they also agreed that it was indeed what was happening.

I know, where am I going with this right?  I dunno, I feel like I’m rambling.  I will get to a point, I hope.  Anyway, it was agreed (or so I thought) that we needed to find a way out of the situation.  The counselor assured me that the center would help in anyway that I need should I want them to. But the more I looked for an escape, the more I felt I was sinking deeper into a pit with no way out. It was at least three years before I would have a chance to get out.

I became close with my S.O.’s mother, and we would talk often or text or PM on Facebook. She knew my situation.  After a year of friendship, she offered me a place to go to.  All I had to do was get there.  I had been saving money that I got from doing some child care and I sold some things with the help of my friend in GA. I found an inexpensive flight out.  I sat down with my girls and proposed the plan.  To my dismay, they chose to stay with him.  Knowing what they knew, that they chose to stay broke my heart.  They were old enough to make the decision and I could not force them. They said they were chosing to stay because they didn’t want to leave their friends.  My oldest, I think, wanted to come with me but didn’t want to leave her sister behind.  I had to make the hardest decision of my life.

I feel so guilty for leaving them.  But I was losing more and more of myself the longer I stayed. I felt like I wasn’t just losing my identity but my sanity as well.  I had to decide if my mental health was worth saving.  I hoped I was making the right choice.  And so the night before I was scheduled to fly out, I told him I was leaving and I didn’t know how long I would be gone.  But I needed to figure things out.  I had been telling him I wanted a divorce but he wouldn’t do it.  And so I left.

So I would say that in my leaving, it was the biggest change for me.  It was probably the first time I took charge of my path and changed it’s direction. I left a situation that was harmful to me and my sanity. That is a really big change!  Especially when so many times I stayed in unhealthy situations or repeatedly returned to them. Even though my reasons for leaving a valid, I don’t feel any less guilty about doing it because it meant leaving my girls too. Maybe they are stronger than I am. Maybe I just reached the end of my rope after a life time of going from one abuser to another.

But even though I am out of that scenario, I still find it hard to stand up for myself and my beliefs. I find it hard to not feel guilty for leaving my girls.  Maybe that makes me human, or maybe that just means I’m a mom. Maybe I’m just a selfish heartless bitch.

Change is hard, making choices is hard.  I second guess, third guess, over think just about every single thing I do. ( Except when it comes to coffee!! 😀 ) Should I buy this or that, should I say something or not, should I do something or not.  Every.Single.Thing is over thought.  I’m trying to change that, but when you’ve been conditioned as I have it’s a difficult task.

So my point, did I even make one?  I don’t know.  Maybe I shouldn’t post this, maybe I should start over on something else. Maybe I should just go and hit “publish”. But I think the bottom line or point is this: taking a stand for myself and leaving was in my best interest and a HUGE Change.

Day 24 – What I’m Proud Of

Today’s Nudge: Share something you’re proud of.

Oy vey!  Y’all know I’m not one to toot my own horn right?  LOL!!!

What am I proud of?  Hmmm.  I’ve been vegging a lot this week.  My hips and tailbone have been flaring up and down all week.  It feels better, it hurts more, starts to feel better, oh no wait here we go again. Add in some other pain points here and there, thankfully not as bad as the tailbone.  That one always seems the worst.  Today things feel somewhere in between, but I’ll take it because at least I can sit here and write a post.

But ah yes, back to the nudge.  Hands down, without a doubt I am proud of my two beautiful daughters.  My oldest is a self taught photographer.  Handed her a camera when she was about 12 and that’s all it took.  She takes some pretty amazing photos.  She is trying to grow a photography business.  Right now, she is mostly word of mouth and referrals I believe.  She has website, too.  I’m so proud of her that she is following her dream.

They both work as after school assistants/aides for a local private school.  And my youngest is looking into a college in North Carolina to study Psychology.  When she was little, she would say she wanted to be a vet.  I used to call her Dr. Doolittle because all the stray cats would end up at our house.  One day I said to her, you know that you will have to operate on animals sometimes to help them right?  And she said to me, “Oh no Mommy, I won’t have to do that because I will hire someone to do it for me.”  I thought it was one of the cutest and funniest things ever.  I still chuckle at it when it comes to mind. But now, she seems to have decided on pursuing a different field.

They have both grown into such lovely young ladies.  And I couldn’t be more prouder of either of them.

Here is a picture of us from Mother’s Day at Turner Field in what almost seems like a life time ago.

Day 23 – Sacred

Today’s Nudge: Post about something that’s sacred to you.

It’s has been a long time since I have practiced a ‘religious faith’, ie: Catholic Mass, the rosary, a Christian church service.  Even as a small child, it never felt like my thing.  I did the whole Christianity thing for many years after I got married, and my mother in law passed away. It never felt right either, no matter how hard I tried.

Yet, Mary and the Rosary itself (not so much the ritual prayers with it) remain sacred. I know how much they meant to my Grandmother.  For her, there was never any doubt in the power they contained when she prayed the rosary to the Virgin Mary.  Matka Boska, Divine Mother.  I think one of the reasons I hold such reverence for the Blessed Virgin is because of the stories of protection she gave to my family during the war or illness, or so my Grandmother said.

No matter what path I may walk, Mary remains sacred to me and I cannot part with any of my rosaries.  The one thing I cannot find is the set she always prayed with.  I fear I left them behind when I left my narcissist spouse.  I thought I had packed them, but I can’t seem to find them.  I can only hope my daughters have found them and keep them safe. I dare not ask, mostly out of fear that I lost them and I know how much my Grandmother meant to them.

Another thing that is sacred to me is my space.  The space where I create, or at least try to.  I feel sometimes, that when I am in my space I do not wish to be disturbed unnecessarily.  It’s sort of my bubble. But since it is in my bedroom that I share, I cannot exactly ban anyone from my room.  I have tried to think of ways to “wrap” my sacred space of creating, but the room isn’t big enough to close off my corner with a drape of some sort.  And the cats, especially my sweet boy, LOVES to walk across or lay on my art table. *SIGH!!!*  All I can do is scream in my head, “BOUNDARIES PEOPLE! OR CATS! BOUNDARIES!!” but it’s no use.

Maybe I am just overly sensitive that my space is not solely my own.  I have never had a space that was just mine and mine alone, a space that I could invite people into if I choose to or close the door and keep them out at will.  I’ve never had a space of my own where I could post a sign on the door that says something like “Do not disturb, creating in process.”  Or “Artist At Work”.  Or how about (found on Pintrest)

I am Sacred, my space is Sacred.  I just wish people would honor that, ya know.  Any who, what do you find sacred?

Day 22 – Blessed Mabon – Alban Elfed

Today’s Nudge: Post something seasonal.

Today in the northern hemisphere it is the Autumn Equinox, First Day of Fall, Mabon, Feast of Avalon, Alban Elfed.  It is the day where day and night are of equal length before the nights get longer and the days shorter.

There is a really good article about Alban Elfed over on the blog The Druid’s Garden. A quick Google search will turn up plenty on Mabon.  Wicca.com has some information about Mabon.

I think this is one of my new favorite Autumn images.  It’s been shared on Facebook a few times today.  Research shows it’s supposed to represent Libra.  But I think it has a nice Fall look to it.

Day 21 – Resource Sharing

Today’s Nudge: Pick something from The Daily Post to blog about OR share a resource you really like with your readership. 

One of my favorite resources, which y’all are I’m sure are more than familiar with.  You’ve either fall down the rabbit hole that it is or you know someone that has.

I’m talking about Pintrest.  It is a plethora of images and information.  On more than one occasion I have gone there to look for one thing and the next thing I know a couple of hours have passed.  AND….I never found what I went there for!  Or I did find it, but it led me to other things.

I dislike all the ads on there now, but I still use it as a resource when I am looking for an imagine or an idea.

I did check out The Daily Post on Word Press.  There looks to be some really good articles. Some that I will probably read myself, but until I do I didn’t think it wise to make a post about any right now.

Today was a limbo day.  Things were supposed to be happening that didn’t happen. And now we don’t know when these things will happen.

I didn’t do a B&W photo today because well….I forgot.  😦  Honest to goodness forgot about it. Pain level today started out at tolerable and has escalated to a soak in the tub and a soon to be date with the heating pad.  Oh there’s ice cream!  Because I deserve it!  🙂 Pain levels will be back to tolerable tomorrow hopefully.  And maybe I won’t forget the B&W.

I look forward to reading about your favorite resource.