Blog Along- Day 2

2) What do you really want?

I want a lot of things!  Some unrealistic and far out there.  Some more of the tangible kind that might actually be attainable.

I want a tribe, not a big one. Just a few, say three maybe.  People that I can count on, talk to, cry my heart out on their shoulder.  That love me for who I am and not for who they think I will be for them.  One or two that will say “Come on!  Today we’re going on an adventure!”  Ones that I can have healthy, deep conversations with.  Ones that I can sit and make art with, watch shows with.  It is so hard when every one is scattered from one end of the country to the other, North South East and West.  I sometimes feel so isolated. But then there are days that I really love the solitude that we have over here at are nest.

I want a daily practice.  One where I show up every damn day and make art, take photos, write.  But I find it so fucking hard to show up.  And then procrastination sets in, the one where I get up and have coffee, do my morning thing of check email and Facebook sort of thing.  I will think today I will (fill in the blank).  Then before I know it, the day is near over and it’s almost bed time.  So that more often than not, I end up with a day of nothing got done.

I want a spiritual practice.  But I don’t know how to have one.  The extent of what I know what I learned in Catholic school and then from those “my way or the highway” Christian churches I found myself in when I lived in the South.  I don’t feel a connection to any of those things, I feel more aligned to Paganism – an eclectic path – Druidry – hedge or kitchen craft – Avalon.  It’s hard when you’ve been ingrained with the ideology that you aren’t enough as you are, that you have to jump through all these hoops for acceptance.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to say what I want?  There’s more so much more that I want.  Just writing these though makes me feel small.  Why should I not want things?  Why should I not want to have things?  To be happy?  To be loved, unconditionally without trying to “fix” me.



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