Day 3 – Beliefs

TODAY’S NUDGE
3) Write about something you used to believe that you no longer believe and how that shift in belief has changed things for you. 

 

I thought I knew what I was going to write about when I saw the prompt in the email.  But I can’t seem to form coherent thoughts and words to bring it across.  And, I don’t feel right talking about spirituality when I am still trying to figure it all out and what my practice might be.

So instead I think I will talk about the whole artist-writer thing.  I’m still not all the way there, I still struggle to see myself as either most because I’m inconsistent and don’t have a daily practice.  I don’t show up.  I want to change that, I really do.  So sometimes it feels hypocritical to call myself either.  I struggle to hear my Muse speak.

From the time I was about 11 or 12, I thought about wanting to be a writer.  But I was never encouraged to follow my dreams, let alone encouraged to have dreams.  When I was an angsty brokenhearted teenager, I gave poetry a whirl.  I think there were a few good ones to come out of it, but I lost them all years ago.  In 2005, I discovered NaNoWriMo and had been watching Lord of the Rings monthly if not weekly (Hey, don’t judge me!  :D)

Anyway, at some point in there, a story idea popped into my head.  I started working on it, from one WriMo to the next.  But 2006 crushed me when I lost my beloved Grandma right in the midst of NaNo.  Right after that, the voices grew silent and I have struggled to find my Muse since.

My marriage was failing, had been for a while.  I knew it, he didn’t.  But that’s another story for another time.  I was searching for something.  I didn’t give up on writing, I was still making attempts even if many were feeble ones.

In 2009, I discovered (to the best of my memory) blogging.  Which led me to finding Connie who I took my first art class through.  That road led me to Effy and Tam and some many other wonderful teachers out there.  Connie taught me that I could paint, Tam taught me faces and whimsy things.  But Effy….she’s is teaching me that I can be an artist.

All of these wonderful women are showing me that I can do this.  So bottom line is that I went from believing I couldn’t to believing that it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. I may never be published, I will never hang in a gallery, I might never sell a piece of work. But I know that I can call myself an artist, a writer, a photographer when I try and when I show up.

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