Day 5 – Struggles

TODAY’S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

 

As Effy put it so perfectly, my brain is an asshole.  Yes mine is.  Oh the struggles.  Man, the struggles are real.  Real I tell ya!

I struggle with the whole shebang of “woulda, coulda, shoulda”.  It’s annoying AF! These days it’s a teeter tot of “If only I would have done X, then Y would not have happened”  Or “I should have done this, that, the other thing.  I should do ____________ now.”

I struggle with not being enough, sometimes it flips to being too much. Too emotional, too jaded, too pissy, too New York.  So I stuff myself in a box in an effort to be enough.  To be likable, to be lovable, to be seen and wanted.

I struggle with the voices that say I can’t paint, I can’t write.  That I suck at it. That I will never be good enough.  That I never follow through and complete something.  (*side-eyes the basket of crochet projects and yarn*).

I think though my biggest struggle, perhaps the trigger for a lot of the others or the fuel that flames them.  I struggle with my identity, with who I am.  There are things that are keeping me from moving forward.  Things that I can’t control, things that financially I am unable to get them moving.  I’m tired of hiding.  I don’t want to hide behind a name I can’t use in the outside world (I have to use an alias last name on social media for reasons), I want to shed the name I have  been tied to since I was 20 but for what even reason he won’t let go even though I left 6 years ago.  Sometimes, I want to reclaim the surname of birth.  The name I was taught to despise by my mother because she was vile and hateful. But with my birth name, I am unique and one of a kind.  No one else has my name.  I googled it! It’s all vague, yet too much to talk about.  The hiding makes me feel fake and like a fraud. I know a name doesn’t make me complete.  There are other times I want to reinvent myself and come up with a new name all together.  One I can step into all on my own with no baggage attached to it and start new.

There are other struggles, but I think I have said enough for now.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kim Forman
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 12:04:43

    This poem seems like a lovely thing to leave here. Let’s all celebrate being a “too much woman”!

    http://sexloveliberation.com/too-much-woman/

    Reply

  2. angelsloveyou
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 14:20:30

    Your post is awesome and I so understanding enough.

    The poem gave me chills. There is a blog in that too, probably for all of us.

    Reply

  3. Suzanne H. Eller
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 15:02:14

    The thing you said about you name resonated. I’m 66, and I am known by my ex’s last name. Recently though, that’s not who I feel like I am. I want MY name back. So, it’s how I sign my art. It may be what I have put in my tombstone. It’s crazy. I need to go ahead and change it. But then nobody would know who I am. I’m rambling, but I’m trying to say you moved me. Thanks

    Reply

    • TheForgottenMuse
      Sep 05, 2017 @ 16:09:45

      You’re not rambling. If you change it, you can always write something about the change. I gave up my name so willingly and easily, I was trying to run away from it. But now that I am older, hopefully a little wiser I realize now that I should have kept it. I think a part of me wanted to at the time. Even though I left and I live so very far away, by not being divorced I don’t feel truly free of him. I know I can never 100% be as we share children. But it’s like he still has an invisible hold over me. Now I’m rambling 🙂

      Reply

  4. Abby
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 15:54:18

    I’m sorry you are struggling. I get the woulda, coulda brain stuff. It sucks when it gets stuck in your head. You are not a fraud. You are uniquely you, whatever name you choose. You have your own voice, your own vision, and that is who you are.

    Reply

  5. Gin
    Sep 05, 2017 @ 18:40:53

    As usual, I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. I see you, and I hear you, and I hope you’ll just keep on going and the struggles will lessen. I believe in you. ❤

    Reply

  6. Effy Wild
    Sep 06, 2017 @ 08:11:31

    I’ve struggled with the ‘too much’ thing, too. ❤ I resonate.

    Reply

  7. thoughtfuldesignblog
    Sep 07, 2017 @ 04:23:56

    I really hear you, the name thing is so important Ive had three different surnames in my life so far and they have all been for different reasons, birth, adoption and marriage/ divorce and for me it felt really important particularly after my divorce to change my name and once it happened I felt so good, I cant tell you ❤

    Reply

    • TheForgottenMuse
      Sep 07, 2017 @ 08:55:47

      Right now it just feels like an anchor weighing me down and holding me back. One time, when things were still “good” he jokingly asked me if I wanted to change my name back. We talked about it, I really began to want to and said yes I do. But it never happened. Maybe if it had, I wouldn’t feel the way I do. I really don’t know, honestly. I just know how I feel right now. I just want to be free.
      Thank you for reading my post ❤

      Reply

  8. TheForgottenMuse
    Sep 07, 2017 @ 11:19:49

    I have honestly felt so alone in this struggle. To hear that I am not, gives me some comfort. ❤

    Reply

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