Day 5 – Struggles

TODAY’S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

 

As Effy put it so perfectly, my brain is an asshole.  Yes mine is.  Oh the struggles.  Man, the struggles are real.  Real I tell ya!

I struggle with the whole shebang of “woulda, coulda, shoulda”.  It’s annoying AF! These days it’s a teeter tot of “If only I would have done X, then Y would not have happened”  Or “I should have done this, that, the other thing.  I should do ____________ now.”

I struggle with not being enough, sometimes it flips to being too much. Too emotional, too jaded, too pissy, too New York.  So I stuff myself in a box in an effort to be enough.  To be likable, to be lovable, to be seen and wanted.

I struggle with the voices that say I can’t paint, I can’t write.  That I suck at it. That I will never be good enough.  That I never follow through and complete something.  (*side-eyes the basket of crochet projects and yarn*).

I think though my biggest struggle, perhaps the trigger for a lot of the others or the fuel that flames them.  I struggle with my identity, with who I am.  There are things that are keeping me from moving forward.  Things that I can’t control, things that financially I am unable to get them moving.  I’m tired of hiding.  I don’t want to hide behind a name I can’t use in the outside world (I have to use an alias last name on social media for reasons), I want to shed the name I have  been tied to since I was 20 but for what even reason he won’t let go even though I left 6 years ago.  Sometimes, I want to reclaim the surname of birth.  The name I was taught to despise by my mother because she was vile and hateful. But with my birth name, I am unique and one of a kind.  No one else has my name.  I googled it! It’s all vague, yet too much to talk about.  The hiding makes me feel fake and like a fraud. I know a name doesn’t make me complete.  There are other times I want to reinvent myself and come up with a new name all together.  One I can step into all on my own with no baggage attached to it and start new.

There are other struggles, but I think I have said enough for now.