First let me start by saying Samhain Blessings and Happy Halloween. Happy New Year too, if you believe it’s the Witch’s New Year.
I meant to blog, honestly I did. But instead I vegged on the sofa with some Grey’s Anatomy marathons and Outlander. Birthday was spent low key at home with the S.O. and his mom, then the wee lass that is his niece and her mom (his sister) came over for cake. Little Bug helped me blow out my candles because that’s her favorite part. He made us steak for dinner, we tried a recipe out of Rachel Ray’s magazine. It was quite good, definitely one to make again. I did not take a picture of the meal, I was too hungry to do that lol.
Cake consisted of this two layer chocolate fudge beauty. It wasn’t as sweet I thought it would be with all the chocolate, but I’m okay with that. I can’t do the super sweet like I used to. It’s a little hard to tell, but the candle flames match the color of the candles which was pretty neat.
The only thing that made me sad that day is that neither of my children acknowledged it. At least the second year, maybe even third without so much as even a FUCK YOU MOM! But I won’t call them out on their shit. That’s on them. Financially, I can’t afford to send presents for every event, but at Christmas I try to send them a big enough box of goodies and presents. I’m lucky if I get a thank you. (Excuse me while I wallow in a pity party for a moment…………………….OKAY!) I feel like I am being punished now for leaving their father. I gave them the choice to stay or go. They said they understood. They chose to stay. One couldn’t leave her so called friend(s), the other didn’t want to leave her sister behind. Leaving them behind was the hardest thing I ever had to do. When I reach out, I feel like I am bothering them, interrupting their life. So I sit here feeling guilty for choosing self care and my own fucking sanity. (Okay, ending rant because that wasn’t even supposed to be in this post.)
Overall though, I gotta say turning 48 doesn’t feel too bad. I just hope the next year of my life is better than 47. Not that it was awful by any means. But we should always hope that the next one is better, right?
So now here we are, the last day of October soon to begin the next to last month of the year. Tomorrow would have been my Babci’s 97th birthday. As much as I wanted her to stay with me, I don’t think she ever wanted to be in this world that long. My ex used to joke with her that she needed to live to 100 and she’d always say that was too long.
Tomorrow also marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo. I have no plot whatsoever and only one character so far. And she only arrived in my thoughts as I was going to sleep a couple of nights ago! This isn’t totally unusual for me when I do NaNo. Things to write are known to show up in my head last minute, so I’m not worried at all except for the word count. I’ve only had one win in thirteen years. And that’s okay too, because no matter if I win or lose any number of words I write is more than I had before I started. And somewhere in all those starts and stops and losses is a story waiting to be born. Maybe I haven’t even thought of it yet. Or maybe it’s in one of those unfinished tales I have. But it’s there.
True story, I watched “Julie and Julia” for the first time in forever. And as soon as the movie started I remembered what I loved about it most. When I first saw it a few years ago, it reignited or reminded me of my dream of wanting to write. It came out not long after I started my blogspot blog. Plus I just love Meryl Streep! The first few minutes in and that same feeling washed over me. I want to watch it again…and again…and again right now. I need that inspiration!
So that brings me to the post title I suppose. Where do I go from here? I don’t know. I don’t know how to carve out my time and dedicate any of it to creativity. I need it, I need that time to sit and write and paint and create. But there is always something. Then I think, what if I were doing this for a living. What if this was my livelihood? Would I allow the same distractions and interruptions? Short answer is probably not. So why do I allow the distractions even though my creativity isn’t “paying the bills”? Because I don’t know how to say no, I don’t know how to enforce boundaries without pissing people off. I know, it’s not going to pay off if I don’t step on a few toes. I’m afraid to do that, honestly. So how do I do it? How do I push passed the resistance to follow my dreams? They are important to me and I feel like I am neglecting them for some real or imaginary thing that is preventing me from full on chasing them down and making them real. If I am going to be honest here………I’m scared. Scared to try, scared to fail, scared to step on toes. I feel like I am being silenced but in a different way. It’s so frustrating. I’m trying to figure out how to put this into words and I can’t, the words fail me.
I guess the idea, plan for November will be thus: Blog everyday (or try to), Write 50,000 words for a novel, Dive into my idea of A Year With My Muse, continue with the Black and White challenge (I finally started, up to day 4 but not consecutive days), show up an the easel and canvas, show up in my journal. To stop feeling guilty for wanting to follow my dreams and making them a reality. To let go of feeling guilty for choosing my well being and sanity. To find my path and stick to it no matter what.
And now, I think with that, I will take today to jot down ideas for NaNo. Tend to my tummy which is feeling wonky today, and possible ward off a cold. So it looks to be a soup, journal, and Netflix kinda day. Not what I envisioned, but it will have to do because self care………I can’t afford to get sick.