I Think I Have My Word

I think I have it, I hope I have it.  I know it isn’t set in stone and if I got it wrong I can always change it. Or even have more than one word!  I thought it was going to be ENOUGH. I was all set to settle on it. But then somewhere along the way, yesterday I suppose it was….and SELF came to mind. I am trying to remember exactly how it came about, but for the life of me the brain fog won’t let me recall right now.

So back to the word.  I had been thinking quite a bit about how I don’t feel like I am Enough. Why I feel the way I do about things and people. That sort of thing. Then the last couple of days, just about every astrological forecast type thing for the coming year says that this year (2018) is my year. That things will fall into place, the thing or things that have been weighing me down will finally let me go.  And I’m all YES YES YES, finally Yes!

Some are saying that part of the beginning I am feeling the need to go inward. This is true. I have been feeling like that for a few days actually.  Much of what I have been reading has been spot on. But what am I going to do with it? I don’t want another year of sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing. Or only getting a bits done and then kicking myself in the ass because of whatever held me back in that moment.

So SELF…..Self-care, Self-love, Self-acceptance. All things I need to work on.  2018 might be a SELF-ish year for me. I keep saying I am going to focus on what I want, what makes me happy…but then I don’t. I could give reasons or excuses, but in the end it doesn’t really matter the why.  I don’t think I have a symbol or theme yet for the new year, but if I do or will I am sure they will come to me.

I promised I would share my Yule surprise in this post too. But first a little story. I am one of the youngest of the cousins in my family. So some were about 8 by the time I came along, therefore we weren’t close. But age isn’t the reason for it. For reasons unknown, even though we all grew up in the same neighborhood and attended the same school the only time most of spent any time together was Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Age, divorce, moving, kept some of us apart as the years went on.

About two years ago or so, one of my older cousins reached out to me wanting to reconnect. At first I was hesitant, skeptical even.  But I was also curious. We started communicating, catching up. It was probably one of the best things to ever happen. She has witchy tendencies like me. We found we share a fondness for things herbs, the moon, magic, the Goddess. She makes candles and the like and has sent me some.  This year she sent me a box of goodies.

She sent a wooden box for me to paint and decorate and to turn into an intention box. She included incense and resin, 2 bayberry candles, a couple of gemstones, 2 English coins for luck, a good witch/bad witch wine stopper, and a lovely necklace. Her note that she included brought me to tears. Her words were exactly what I had been thinking here lately.  I believe that we though we are cousins by blood, we are sisters at heart.

I haven’t started working on my box yet. It was something I was thinking about maybe doing today. If not tomorrow, start the year off creatively.

Well…here is to a better year for all of us.  Wishing you all a safe, happy, healthy, prosperous New Year filled with love and grace.  Let’s make 2018 a good one!

But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For….

To quote Bono/U2 in my post title. One of my favorite songs by them, I might add.

I realized it has been a bit since I posted. That was unintentional. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is or can be an emotional roller coaster for me. Thanksgiving being 11 years since my Babci died. The first here without Gramma Alice. Then Christmas Eve was 23 years since my Daddy died. Then I realized it was 4 months since I lost my precious Sylvie.

But we are now facing a new year, so I am trying to look forward to that.  As I have done since 2011, I am trying to choose a word for the new year. Some years my word was spot on, others I think I may have missed the mark. Or else I just did not see it come about. Last year, my word was DREAM. I feel like I did more dreaming about my dreams that doing something about my dreams. A part of me wants to bring it forward into the new year, but another part of me wants to have a new word. Usually I have one by the Winter Solstice, but so far it seems to elude me.

I have a list of several words that I have been pondering, but not are screaming “Pick me, pick me!” There is a word that I have been toying with, mulling over. And that word is ENOUGH. I am tired of feeling not enough, not good enough, not this enough or that enough. Part of me wants this to be a selfish year. A year in which I focus on me. On learning to accept myself, love myself, learn how to be ENOUGH with myself. I wouldn’t mind finding a way to incorporate the two words either. But then, maybe neither of them are my word(s). I know it/they will come in due time.

I am beyond frustrated that I can’t take any of the art classes I want to take.  I had hoped to maybe take Moonshine with Effy this year, but we don’t have the extra funds for me to do that. So I’ll be missing out on that and BOD. I’ll be missing LifeBook again. And so many other great classes. I’ll be scouring the Google for free classes and challenges to do in the new year.

I found one for writing just today. Well it was mentioned in a FB group I am in. It is to write 85,000 words in 90 days. Finish up any loose ends throughout April. Take May and June to edit, wrap that up in July.  Then August and September and on is going towards getting published. The entire process as laid out on the website is for the whole year. Well I don’t have a publisher, so my that part may take more polishing/editing or maybe use that time for submitting to publishers. I don’t know yet, so I will cross that bridge if/when I get there.  It so far seems less chaotic than NaNoWriMo.  Right now though, I am exploring the website and will decide in a few days if I will participate or not.

It might be good for me if I do participate. I have taken more time off from writing than I had intended. I was only going to do the weekend after NaNo. But that turned into a week, which led to two weeks, and now here we are with New Year’s just a few days away. Maybe, I can use this challenge to work on writing MY STORY. Something to consider at least.

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks. About a lot of different things. My father, my mother. Myself. Life. Why do I feel the way I do towards certain people or events? What shit am I still carrying that I need to just let go of? What no longer serves me? And so much more.

It frustrates me to no end that I can’t take those art classes. It frustrates me that I can’t take a writing course. Or an herbalism course. It frustrates me that I am laughed at for some of the things I am interested in and want to learn more about. I wish I had the courage to stand up for what I want and what I believe in.  Do you see why I need a year to be selfish?

I know this post ended up being a bit rambly and maybe even venty. But that’s what my space if for, right? To vent and ramble if I need to.

So, if you have a word for 2018 what did you chose? I would love to hear. In my next post, I hope to tell you what my word is and I will also share what my cousin sent me for Yule.

This Moves Me

Here is a video I came across some months back. I struggle to find my path, to find my roots, to find my authentic self, to find my voice. This video came across my feed again today, and it was moving me to tears. Obviously something I needed to hear today.  By the translation it is a song of the water. I think this particular song is sung in Polish, I know the group themselves are from Poland. Probably why their music moves me so.

 

Translation:
“At the sea, blue sea
There was a floating flock of white swans
And where did the gray-white eagle come from?
It dispersed the flock around the blue sea
White down rose to heaven,
Gray feathers fell on a green meadow
And who will collect these feathers?
– A beautiful girl”

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Mercury And The Full Moon

It did not even occur to me when I was writing my post last night, that today begins Mercury Retrograde. I mean I had been hearing about, I knew it was coming. But for some reason or other, I totally spaced that it was starting today.

After I had gone off to bed, I was scrolling through Instagram as I usually do and I came across a post by C. Ara Campbell (you can view her feed here and her facebook).

Look at those first ones, would ya! Introspection – something I tend to do this time of year, especially with the Solstice coming and the year ending. Think outside the box – That is something I tend to struggle with, my mind has difficulty with that. It might be hours or days later where I might have that light bulb moment. But usually it is too late for anything by that point. Look at things in a new light – another that I have trouble with but am working on. Changing my perspective. Finding a different approach. Not looking at a brick wall as an obstacle but an opportunity.  I mean this whole thing is some good stuff!

Then there is the Full Moon! And it is supposed to be a super moon at that. It is the last one of 2017. Some moons I feel very strongly, others are just “normal”. Here’s what Ara has to say about the Full Moon in Gemini.

 

It’s a time to plan, reimagine the future, letting go. Where are you still hiding? How’s that for a powerful question? My answer, is probably everywhere and in all the things. Stepping out into my true self, allowing my authentic self to shine bright, to step out of my comfort zone—-they have all be extremely difficult for me. I think of how I want to be, but then my introverted self steps up and tells me to sit my ass back down.

So how can I come out of hiding and still be introverted? I don’t think I will ever truly come out of my shell. When I try to come out of hiding, it often feels like others stuff me back in the box wanting me to be only seen (and not always) but not heard. Maybe that is just my fears talking. But it’s hard not to think that way when you try to speak and you are ignored.  It’s even more frustrating when you are speaking to someone, you are looking right at them, and they don’t even acknowledge it. Then it is one of two things, the Oh were you talking to me? in that surprised tone or someone points out to the person you are speaking to them and then it’s the shock or surprise. The awkward apology and then you have to repeat everything you just said (and hope that they even hear you the second time and you are secretly crying inside.)

All that was to say, that I guess without even realizing it I was right on target to think about planning. It also has me thinking about my planned project “A Year With My Muse” which still hasn’t gotten started. Looks like I have some planning to do and ideas to jot down.

Full Moon Blessings!

No Writing Day (again)

I had plans to write some today. But I just never got there. It’s okay. I could use another day to recoup from the marathon month and think about where or what my story is actually about.

Today was  also filled with anticipation about the dinner tonight. It ended up going pretty well. Everyone went to the parade afterwards, but I stayed home. It was expected that we would have some rain and it was cold. Seeing as I am just getting over a cold, it was thought best that I don’t go. Which was probably a good decisions. I’m really not feeling 100% either. I should probably restart taking the Echinacea for a few more days. I definitely don’t need a relapse with cookie baking weekend coming up. Plus we just plain can’t afford me to be sick, or any of us for that matter.

I might even take off from writing tomorrow. I had actually planned on it anyway. I do feel guilty for not writing though.

I think I might spend tomorrow working on my planner. It is time to start thinking about goals for next year, word of the year, intentions, that sort of thing. It might even be a bit early to do that, so maybe I’ll just do a scribble session to jot down thoughts so I don’t forget them later in the month.

Day Off

Took a day off from the writing today. Just to breathe and let my brain cells recoup as I scrambled them for words for the whole month of November. Ended up going out for the first time in a week. Just to Wal-mart for a few things. It felt good to be out again.

It was decided we are doing Ugly Sweater Christmas. So while we were at Wal-mart we were looking at some of their premade ones. Some were just too cute to be called ugly!

But we are going to put our craft skills to good use and make our own. A trip to the thrift store for a sweater(s) and maybe some Christmas-y baubles if we can find some there. I think we can find a bunch of mini ornaments and thin garland strands at Dollar Tree. Then it is just a matter of designing and assembling. Crap I should have bought that grey plain sweater on clearance for 2 bucks! Blank canvas and I did not even think about it!!!! Funny thing is, we were talking about making the sweaters when I was looking at that one on the clearance rack.

I fail like that sometimes. Like the Pitt Pen in copper that was on clearance for like a 1.74 or something. And I decided not to get it. When I went back a week later, it was gone. My loss was someone else’s gain. Oh well. I still got 3 others. I probably should have snagged the grey one too, but I didn’t. And it was also gone.

Now here’s to hoping I don’t relapse with this cold or anything. The plan is to have a memorial get together at on of Granny’s favorite burger joints and then to see a holiday night light parade. If I’m sick or coughing my brains out (or probably just coughing) I can’t go. Don’t want to get any of the littles sick. I am actually torn about going though. I do, but I don’t. Part of me feels like it should be just the family, even though I know other partners will be there. I still feel like I would be intruding. I’m weird like that.