But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For….

To quote Bono/U2 in my post title. One of my favorite songs by them, I might add.

I realized it has been a bit since I posted. That was unintentional. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is or can be an emotional roller coaster for me. Thanksgiving being 11 years since my Babci died. The first here without Gramma Alice. Then Christmas Eve was 23 years since my Daddy died. Then I realized it was 4 months since I lost my precious Sylvie.

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But we are now facing a new year, so I am trying to look forward to that.  As I have done since 2011, I am trying to choose a word for the new year. Some years my word was spot on, others I think I may have missed the mark. Or else I just did not see it come about. Last year, my word was DREAM. I feel like I did more dreaming about my dreams that doing something about my dreams. A part of me wants to bring it forward into the new year, but another part of me wants to have a new word. Usually I have one by the Winter Solstice, but so far it seems to elude me.

I have a list of several words that I have been pondering, but not are screaming “Pick me, pick me!” There is a word that I have been toying with, mulling over. And that word is ENOUGH. I am tired of feeling not enough, not good enough, not this enough or that enough. Part of me wants this to be a selfish year. A year in which I focus on me. On learning to accept myself, love myself, learn how to be ENOUGH with myself. I wouldn’t mind finding a way to incorporate the two words either. But then, maybe neither of them are my word(s). I know it/they will come in due time.

I am beyond frustrated that I can’t take any of the art classes I want to take.  I had hoped to maybe take Moonshine with Effy this year, but we don’t have the extra funds for me to do that. So I’ll be missing out on that and BOD. I’ll be missing LifeBook again. And so many other great classes. I’ll be scouring the Google for free classes and challenges to do in the new year.

I found one for writing just today. Well it was mentioned in a FB group I am in. It is to write 85,000 words in 90 days. Finish up any loose ends throughout April. Take May and June to edit, wrap that up in July.  Then August and September and on is going towards getting published. The entire process as laid out on the website is for the whole year. Well I don’t have a publisher, so my that part may take more polishing/editing or maybe use that time for submitting to publishers. I don’t know yet, so I will cross that bridge if/when I get there.  It so far seems less chaotic than NaNoWriMo.  Right now though, I am exploring the website and will decide in a few days if I will participate or not.

It might be good for me if I do participate. I have taken more time off from writing than I had intended. I was only going to do the weekend after NaNo. But that turned into a week, which led to two weeks, and now here we are with New Year’s just a few days away. Maybe, I can use this challenge to work on writing MY STORY. Something to consider at least.

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks. About a lot of different things. My father, my mother. Myself. Life. Why do I feel the way I do towards certain people or events? What shit am I still carrying that I need to just let go of? What no longer serves me? And so much more.

It frustrates me to no end that I can’t take those art classes. It frustrates me that I can’t take a writing course. Or an herbalism course. It frustrates me that I am laughed at for some of the things I am interested in and want to learn more about. I wish I had the courage to stand up for what I want and what I believe in.  Do you see why I need a year to be selfish?

I know this post ended up being a bit rambly and maybe even venty. But that’s what my space if for, right? To vent and ramble if I need to.

So, if you have a word for 2018 what did you chose? I would love to hear. In my next post, I hope to tell you what my word is and I will also share what my cousin sent me for Yule.

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