Did I Get My Word Wrong?

I’m sure by now, you’ve heard about this word of the year thing. If you haven’t, well it boils down to that instead of making resolutions that let’s face it most of give up on by the end of the first week or month. (Or day LOL)  So there is this thing that people have been doing instead, and that is choosing a word. It’s different for everyone and where they are in their lives. Some people pick a couple of words or even a phrase. One year I chose Creative Alchemy.  It was something I wanted to strive towards, but didn’t happen. My struggle with living a creative life is real.

Anyway, towards the end of the year I started making a list of potential words. For a short time I kept coming back to ENOUGH. It seemed appropriate. But after a couple of days, it started to feel wrong. Then SELF kept coming to mind. That too, felt right. Self-love, Self-care, Self-acceptance, Self-worth…lots of SELF stuff I need to work on.

Then last night, the question kept coming to mind: Did I get it wrong? And SURRENDER keeps coming to mind.  But SURRENDER to what? To art, to writing, to living a creative life, to self? Surrender to the fact that I can’t be everything to everyone that they want me to be? So I have been mulling the word over in my head since last night.  Wondering if that should be my word and if it is, what am I Surrendering to?

Maybe it was  triggered by me not writing yesterday. Or creating. It’s hard to focus on those things when you’re in pain. My back near my shoulder blades is the new pain point, standing for more than 10 minutes really makes it hurt bad. Then about mid back it’s been really touchy, like it wants to go out on me and mild spasms. Of course the lower back and across my hips is hurting. Sitting is quite uncomfortable right now in general. But I can’t get comfortable laying down. And I have to help out with his Mom. She is not to get up except for her 5 minute hourly laps around the living room/kitchen/dining room.

Stretching makes it hurt. Ice makes it feel even worse. Heat only helps a little. Tylenol and Ibuprofen barely touch it, if at all. And that’s all the OTC stuff I can take.

But back to the word. Or does it mean I need to Surrender to this thing of chronic pain (or Fibro, if it’s that)? I don’t want the pain to define me, and I hate that it is interfering. Some days it’s so uncomfortable and painful I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. But what good is it going to do to cry about it? I’m grateful that it isn’t worse. I know I have friends that are in a lot more pain than I am. Most days, I think I am around between a 4 and 6. I saw a different pain chart that goes from 0-3, 4-6, 7-10, 11-13, and 14+ is basically off the charts pain. Now and the last day or two, I am somewhere between 7-10. (image found on Google).


If you had told me I was going to live with chronic pain, I probably would have called you a liar.  Back when I lived in New York, I used to walk everywhere just about. From home to work or high school, then college was about 3-5 miles one way I think, but at least 3 for sure. I used to work fast food, so I was on my feet a lot. Sometimes 10 hours or more daily. When I lived in this one area of Central Florida, I began walking places again. Put my young one in a stroller and just go. Or hop on the bus and go to the mall and walk, at least it was indoors and air conditioned. Do something like that now, and I feel it for the next couple of days minimum.

So again, I ask is this what I am supposed to Surrender to if this is my word? I don’t want to give myself over to pain. I don’t want it to win and control or dictate my life. But do I have a choice?

I think I am going to sit with Surrender for a bit longer and see what happens. Maybe I will get some clarity.


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