My Thoughts On Why and Feeling Fake

Before I go jumping down the rabbit hole that is the Google.  You know it is, just like Pintrest.  You look up one thing and the next thing you know you have spent hours looking at and reading up on various topics that has so deviated from the original search you can’t remember how you even got there.

Let me tackle the Impostor/Fraud/Fake syndrome. Yes, there really is something called Impostor Syndrome! But I’m not ready to travel down the Google highway of information on that just yet. I think I would rather address what it feels like to me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt I wasn’t good enough at anything. Even if I was really REALLY good at it, I felt like a failure. I was never encouraged to pursue anything. I think at some point every kid goes through the I wanna be a doctor, nurse, teacher phase at some point, however brief it might be.  In my case, when I said I wanted to be one of those things I was immediately told I couldn’t with a list of negatives.  When I chose to go to college, I was told why do you need that it’s a waste of time for a piece of paper.

When I chose to switch majors, my ex was upset because he wanted me to continue with business so I could/would work for him. When I was working fast food (I even worked my way up to assistant manager and rather quickly I think) I was told that the job was good enough for me. That it was beneath me to “flip burgers”  When I came back and said I no longer flip them, I manage the place I was told there was no difference.  I enjoyed my job and most of the people I worked with.  I feel like I was basically being told I wasn’t even good enough to flip burgers.

So now, fast forward to present day.  (I’ll skip over the other you’re not good enough crap for now).  I have been trying to write for going on 11 or 12 years now, even though I’ve probably be trying a lot longer than that.  Then I discovered art and art journaling about 8 years ago. I’ve seen all these beautiful and creative art journals and canvases. All these talented women that I admire. And I can’t help but feel like a fraud for calling myself an artist.

I mean, how can I call myself an artist or writer or photographer if I don’t do these things everyday. If I’m not consistent.  I’ve never sold anything, I’ve never been published.  How dare I think I am or can be any of those things.  All those years of conditioning that I’m not good enough or worthy enough to do or be something. Those are HUGE hurdles to overcome.  I am trying hard to push through, push passed it all.  It doesn’t matter if I have sold or even ever will sell a piece of art. I just want to create!  I could say the same about writing.

I’ve heard and read that it doesn’t matter if you do these things all day every day or if you do them a few times a week/month.  If you make art, you’re an artist. If you write, you’re a writer.  So I am trying hard to silence those inner voices that tell me I’m not. Those things people told me, that’s their story. It’s not my story.  Just because they said it, doesn’t make it true. It’s their truth, not mine.

Which brings me to the why.  I haven’t discovered my why yet.  All I can say about why is that it feels like things I “HAVE TO” do.  I don’t know how else to explain it.  It’s not a matter of being published, or famous, or printed, or displayed in galleries.  Perhaps it is something I buried long ago that is down so deep I can’t remember it.  Maybe if I dig deep in my memories long forgotten I will discover my why.

In my brief glance at Google last night, I saw several links to discovering your why. One was a link/article on Discovering Your Why in 5 Easy Steps or something along those lines.  Really 5 steps?  Just that easy? I kinda find that hard to believe.  But I will take a gander at some point.   It’s feels like its going to be one of those articles like 3 easy steps to making thousands with your blog or Instagram.  Let’s be real, if it were so simple everyone would do it.

It’s a cloudy, windy day. Waiting for the rain to come.  Seems like a good day to sit and think and try to find my why.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kate Dawson
    Jan 18, 2018 @ 12:17:59

    I understand that feeling! I have also felt like a fraud my whole life. I guess for me, I’ve been trying to focus on my work. In the War of Art and also in The Artist’s Way it talks about just that – call yourself an artist and writer. Do it. But I know the doubts creep in. I know them well.

    Reply

    • TheForgottenMuse
      Jan 19, 2018 @ 20:58:13

      I’ve been trying to read through The Artist’s Way. I started last month I think. Made to the beginning of chapter 1. I think I recall reading that she says that in the intro chapter(s). Either that or I remember it from someone that read it who was talking about it. It’s definitely on my pile of books to finish reading.

      Reply

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