Day 23 – Quote For Today

It’s a Monday.  Definitely has that UGH vibe going on.  Nothing happened, it just feels that way.  I feel it in my body, certain spots just flaring up today.  Like today my purse felt like it weighed a million pounds.  No matter how I carried it, it felt super heavy and hurt.  Everything just feels heavy.

I think this will be a short post with a quote from my archives.  This came across the interwebs to me awhile ago.  Probably a share on Facebook.14333627_1557550904349837_6525962021129221375_n

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Day 22

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This is another one of those quotes I come back to time and again.  Not really sure where I found this one, probably came up for on Facebook at some point.

I was pondering what to post today.  Feeling completely drained.  Feeling like the last couple of days are just doing me in.  I’m really trying to not let things get to me and bother me.  I don’t have enough chocolate in my stash drawer or enough wine in the fridge to  get me through the next week (If you get my meaning). As a water sign, I am highly sensitive and can be extremely emotional. I’m just gonna be thankful right now that the Full Moon isn’t for another week!!!

So I was looking through my folder of saved images and this one came up first.  And I had a thought………..I keep looking and digging and searching for myself, who I am, etc. But all I keep finding is ALL those things other people told me I was. What if instead of digging through all that crap, I create the person I want to be?

What if, I say FUCK IT ALL?! Wipe the slate. Throw out all that shit, all those lies, and start from scratch.

Start with the base of I’m still a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, mother, (ex)wife, friend.  Those things don’t change.  Those are truths, they are part of who I am.

Build up from there.  What/who do I want to be?

  • Artist
  • Creatrix
  • Writer
  • Herbalist
  • Photographer (or how about a Photographista?)
  • Healer
  • Witch
  • Pagan
  • Druid
  • Foodie

The list is endless really. I could go on and on.  I don’t want to be famous or rich. I wouldn’t mind having enough money to take all the classes I want to take from my favorite art teachers. Or take courses in herbalism, photography, naturopathy.   Maybe enough to travel to the places I want to go.

I know it’s not just that simple.  There is no waving a magic wand, or uttering a magic spell, or snapping my fingers, or twitching my nose.  I mean, if only! A girl can dream, right?

Nope, what ever I do, will take work.  Lots and lots of work. And soul searching.  And soul cleaning.  Is that a thing?  You know, like house cleaning, but for the soul?

Day 21 – Sorry, Not Sorry

amypoehler quote

I saw the first line of this quote on an image yesterday in a group I am. When I Googled it for an image, I found this one with the second line of it.  Discovering it was timely.

You see, I saw something that was written about me that I was probably not intended to see. And yes, I am 100% sure it is about me.  I knew the words were untrue, but nevertheless, guilt and shame and anger warred as I mulled the words over and over in my mind.  So much so, I couldn’t sleep that night. The wind was gusty and I could hear it blowing, every time it would gust up the air pressure in my room would change. It felt like things were contracting and expanding with the gusts.  So that didn’t help matters.

It was well past 2 AM when I finally dosed off into what was a very restless 6 hours of sleep.  I woke up, still simmering over the words that were said about me. I was sharing with no one.  I needed to try to hash this out with myself in my own way.  But my someone saw it and asked me about it. I said yes I’d seen it.  And even though my people here did not know me at that time, they were supportive and were sure there must be a mistake there somewhere.

I know this is all very vague.  And while I think sharing details my be helpful, I never know who might see or read this.

Now here’s what I’ve concluded so far. I am human.  I make mistakes.  And Goddess knows I’ve made a hell of a lot of them!!!  I am quite confident I will make many more in my lifetime.  Hopefully I will learn from them, and hopefully I won’t repeat ones I have made already.  I know I have hurt people with words and in deeds. I cannot change what I’ve said or done, but I can apologize.  I can’t fix it, I can’t change it.  If I did it and if I remember doing it then I will pull up my big girl panties and acknowledge what I did or said.  If I have no memory of it, then all I can do is apologize anyway.  I’m not the Doctor, I don’t have a time machine.  I can’t go back into the past and undo my mistakes.  All I can do is say I’m sorry and hope we can all move forward.

But what if it’s something I have been taught to be sorry for? I don’t know.  Am I supposed to be sorry for being human?  Am I supposed to be sorry for being an emotional being? Sorry for caring too much, loving too deeply?  Sorry because I cry when I’m angry, frustrated, happy, or sad?  Sorry for being a woman? Sorry for wanting boundaries and have them respected?

I don’t know if I will ever find my voice and own it.  I just know that have to learn to stop feeling guilty for the things that were not my fault.  I cannot be sorry for things that I am accused of that I did not do.

There are people out there that want to change the narrative. To make themselves look better, to make themselves look like the victim. To make me look like I’m crazy, that I’m depressed and delusional.  Would I be too bold to say that I am victim, turned survivor, turning into a warrior?  Because I am fighting like hell to own myself and figure out who the fuck I am.  Sure as shit I’m not who they told me I was.

They are still out there, trying to write my story when it’s not theirs to write.  Maybe that makes me a little uh, how should I say…ugh can’t find the word.  But my mother spent over 15 years spinning a tale about me to anyone who would listen about what a terrible daughter I was.  About how I abandoned her to get married and left her broke and eventually homeless. (because she didn’t want to be an adult.  she wanted to spend all her money and then my money too on bingo and lotto and Atlantic City.)  (PS: when she got evicted, she lived with friends until she wore out her welcome and moved on to the next friend.  she eventually found another place to live, after she burned all her bridges though. but that was my fault too dontcha know!)  So when you have lived your whole life with people writing your story and telling lies, while you sit by and think WTF is happening.  You can’t help but automatically think and even believe it’s still happening, just the author has changed.

That all sounds a little mad, doesn’t it?  But as the Cheshire Cat says, “We’re all a little mad here.”

Alright……….So……………all that was to say this…..I’m sorry for the shit that I did, for the mistakes I made.  But I’m not sorry for the shit you say I did or you think I did, that I most certainly did NOT do.  This is a slow lesson, but I will learn it well.

Day 20 – Don’t Have To Know It All

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This was in an email I got the other day.  I had to reread it a few times, even now as I am posting this I have had to reread it again and again.  So simple and so profound.

I tend to lean towards I have to know exactly what it is I am doing. Otherwise I feel like I have no business doing it.  Yet, wielding a paint brush or pen doesn’t require me to know EVERYTHING.  I can learn as I go, find my niche, my pace, my happy place. I mean it’s not like I am trying to operate heavy machinery or a power tool or something.

I think this thought that I have to know everything about stuff is part of what holds me back.  My mind sometimes likes to think it has to jump straight to knowing and skip the learning part.  It wants to skip the process. Well, we can’t skip the process. We have to go through the process.

 

Day 19 – Gather The Bones

I had another thing I was going to post about today, but as things would have it this came to me instead.  As most of you know, I’m participating in a read along/discuss of Women Who Run With The Wolves along with some 40 other women over the course of the next 20 weeks. I’m only a fraction of the way into the introduction.

I’ve had this nagging question in the back of my mind: “Am I sure this is right? Is this the time?” Then as synchronicity would have it, the Universe spoke and led me to a free course being led by Gail Jessen. It looks like it’s well advanced of where I/we are.  There are 7 or 8 audio calls where I can download and listen to the discussion.  I listened to the first one today which basically covers the intro and chapter 1.

I was blown away. I felt chills listening to these women share. I think I felt a rather small voice say “Yes, it is time.”  A few times I was near tears listening to the recording.  One woman read a poem she had written.  Her words struck a cord with me.

One of the questions Gail posed was something along the lines of “When did the wildness stop? At what age?”  For me, I think it was a rather young age where I tried earn my mother’s affection and acceptance. I sometimes feel like she might have tried to rid herself of me, but me being stubborn stood firm and came into this world.  I think she may have resented me, regretted me. Answers I will never have.  I tried to fit into her box, tried to only be seen and not heard, tried not to chop at the bit.  I learned from a young age what I was expected not to do.

On more than one occasion, she would tell me if I ever drank or smoked she would kick my ass.  If I ever had sex and got pregnant, she would kill me or at worst beat the ever living shit out of me and decide what to do with the baby.  So it was only natural when I was assaulted by my boyfriend at 16, I didn’t tell her.  I was sure she’d blame me somehow.

When I broke free at 19 and got married, she didn’t speak to me until I was expecting my first child three years later.  As I mentioned in another post, I began searching for my sister and we connected via email/messenger 20 years ago.  She was pissed and wanted me to stop, but I didn’t and when I told her we found each other, it was months before she spoke to me again. Maybe over a year even.

Even though, I was breaking free of my mother’s grasp,  I was still in the grips of another who’s desire was to keep me meek and obedient and boxed up.  It took me a long time to realize it.  Every time I tried to be me or figure out who me was, he did his best to keep me boxed up.

All I know is the person all those people told me to be.  I don’t know who I am without their labels, without their control.  I don’t know how to go about figuring that out.  I don’t know how to sing over the bones and bring myself home to that wild woman.  I feel like the wild woman runs deep in my veins.  That there is a wild woman/women deep in my lineage. I don’t know if there is/are but it feels like it.

If I doubted before, I don’t doubt now.  It is time!  It is time to gather the bones, to sing over them, to call the wild woman home.

The following are some words that came to me after one of those women shared a poem. This is what flowed out from me:

Fake, Fraud
Fake, Fraud
Who do you think you are?
Stay Silent
Stay Hidden
Got to stuff you back in the box
You’re getting to big for your britches
Getting too full of yourself
Who do you think you are?
Need to bury you
Hide you away
Dig Dig Dig
Pitch the dirt
Cover you up
Can’t let you find your voice
Can’t let you find your purpose
Can’t let you find your freedom
Definitely not your wildness
No No No – No Authenticity for You
Must keep you boxed up
Must keep telling you the lies
Lest you find your wild woman ways.

************************************

There are those that would still like to see me stay in a box, I’m sure.  Even those that seem to encourage in on breath, but try to knock me down a peg in the next.

The Wild Woman is calling, she wants to be found. She demands to be free.  It is time, it is time, it is time to call the Wild Woman to me, to become who she wants me to be.

Day 18 – Photo Play

I have had no idea what to write today. Running theme for me this week on some days it seems.  But then I was gifted with a lovely visit from the “locals”.  Which led me to pulling all the photos off my cameras I took the last few months.  I thought I’d share a few here for your enjoyment.  Some taken with my Nikon CoolPix and some with my Canon T5 Rebel  1200D.

 

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She came to see if we were all okay after the tree fell and it was removed from the house. So this last one was taken April 8th. We have such lovely neighbors 🙂   I want to say this is Sarah, but I can’t ever remember her name.  Yes all our neighbor’s cows have names!  There is Sarah, Jasmine, Minnie Bell, Annie, Phoebe?, and I can’t recall the other 3 names. And other than Minnie Bell, I cannot tell them apart for the life of me.  Except the 2 reds, which are actually mother and daughter but I don’t remember which is which there either LOL.

Day 17

60mm-magnetic-hematite-oval-pair-800x800(image via Google search.) This is what my magnetic Hematite looks like.  I only have one like this. My other one is much smaller and differently shaped and non-magnetic.

I think I was misinformed about Hematite.  I was led to believe that it was supposed to be magnetic.  You know, like all those bracelets and necklaces you see in the stores.  If I am understanding correctly, real Hematite is NOT naturally magnetic.

I don’t know enough about Chakras and such. I didn’t know if I was doing the “right” thing yesterday, even though I thought it felt right at the time. So I did a bit of Googling last night.  This is where I learned about Hematite not being magnetic.  I guess I had it backwards, or I just assumed what I saw ‘advertised’ was true.  I think I learned something new last night, more research might be required to be sure I understand it correctly.

I was also looking to see if there was anything that indicated I could use my what I thought was real Hematite or my Black Tourmaline to clear things up.  I know it’s not as simple as lay down, put crystal on the spot, and wait a few minutes. Then WhamBamThankYouMamam your Healed!  But nothing I found said I could.  Apparently each point is color coded!  Then as I was hopping down the bunny trail, I was noticing that every site I looked at referenced different crystals and gems for each chakra.

For example, one site said Blue Kyanite for the Third Eye, while another said it was  good for the Throat.  Another reference Lapis Lazuli being good for one, while another site said it was good for the other, and still another site didn’t mention it at all.  So I guess my question is, do you use the gem or crystal that feels right or what?

Another question I have is, that as a rather eclectic Pagan who isn’t sure what path to go down most days, what role do Chakras even play in Paganism?  Any? None?  Some, just a different name? More research for me I suppose.

I think I’ve known for quite some time that my Throat Chakra is blocked or something. All my life I’ve been taught to be quiet, to be silent, to be seen but not heard. Then I was expected to be the silent, obedient, compliant little woman.  I was not to disagree with my  ex, especially not while in the presence of other people.  Not allowed to have an opinion of my own or voice of my own.  I was just supposed nod and agree and be supportive whether I agreed or not, even what I knew the choice he was about make was a mistake.

Recently I was told by someone that I was “getting too full of myself” and needed to be put back in my place.  What did I do?  I stayed quiet.  I walked away and said nothing.  Now, granted, it may have been said in jest because the person knows shit like that just pisses me off.  We have many a “discussion” on the subject of you can’t be encouraging me to speak up and speak out, to use my words in one breath and then turn around and say be quiet in the next.

I’m constantly told I’m too loud. As I have mentioned before, I brush it off as a “New York Thing”.  But if truth be told, it stems from my struggle to be heard.  I feel like if I’m not loud, I won’t be heard or taken seriously.  I try to rein it in, I do.  But too often I feel ignored and unheard.

I know it all stems back to my childhood. And then my marriage.  I don’t know if I will ever find my voice.  But I’m sure going to try.

Day 16

Half way through the blog along!  Been thinking all day what I wanted to post about.  But I got nuthin’!  That seems to be the running theme, some of us are stumped for topics.  I think I might spend some time tomorrow search Google or Pintrest for some ideas.

The “Women Who Run With The Wolves” read through officially begins today. Our circle was opened yesterday with a lovely ceremony. I learned something new about “shaking off” negative energies and how I can center and ground myself.  Burning incense or sage or using essential oils isn’t always an option.  While I might enjoy the scents, those I live with might not.  Plus with oils I need to be careful  because of the fur babes.  I am considering making a spray or two though if I can find scents that appeal to me.  I was gifted a piece of Black Tourmaline for Yule by my cousin.  I have a piece of Hematite too. I have what I thought was a smaller Hematite only to discover this morning it’s not real.  I wasn’t a happy camper to find that out.   I’m not sure if I have Smokey Quartz, I think I do.  But I can stick with the Tourmaline and Hematite for now. I was just looking at what I had that I could carry along with me.

One thing I noticed is when I tried bringing the Hematite to my charkras, my throat area got a real tight feeling.  Like I swallowed something and it was stuck.  When I moved it away, the feeling lessened, but when I moved it back I felt it more.  I’ve never done anything like that before, it was something I tried on a whim this morning after I read a blog post by a friend on her recent visit to a Shaman who examined her chakras.  I need to do a bit more reading about this sort of thing.  I feel like I have no voice, so the reaction I had with the Hematite at my throat wasn’t a total shock.

I’m slowly reading through the introduction. I have a notebook to jot things I might want to make note of handy.  Still need to get some highlighters, I have a yellow one but they’ve never been my favorite.  And I’m using my Red Aquarelle because it was handy.  I think I might do an initial read of the intro, and then go back and read it again.  Maybe when it’s quiet with less distractions than I have during the day with the household awake.

I’m a bit anxious about reading this book and what it might crack open.  I’m anxious/nervous about what reactions those around me might have should these cracks inspire me to make some changes in myself and my ways.  Small bites and baby steps, deep breaths, inhale – exhale – repeat.  Not going to jump to conclusions on something that might not even happen.

There I go…overthinking and worrying about things too soon.  Maybe it’s time for a mug of tea and settle in to read a few more pages.

Day 15 – On Inspiration

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This image/quote popped up in a Facebook Group conversation today.  I saw the word “inspiration” and smiled to myself but that quickly faded as I read the entire quote.

I guess it ended up more like a bucket of cold water being dumped on my head.

This is what I do.  I “wait” for inspiration.  And I wait, and I wait, and I wait.  But what happens is absolutely nothing.  Nothing happens, nothing gets made, nothing gets written.  What does happen is everything collects dust and cob webs, including me (at least that’s how it feels in my mind).

I can honestly say that I more often than not, sit and wait for that storm of inspiration to come rolling in. Full of a deluge of sparks of creativity. That the clouds break with a crack of thunder and I’m struck fully by a bolt of creative lightning.  But yeah……..that never happens.

I need to learn the art of showing up. Whether it is at the easel, the art journal, the blog, the writing document or notebook, behind the camera.  There is not going to be any storm of inspiration, no whirlwind to sweep me off my feet in a bevy of creativity.  No I have to learn that it will only happen when I show up and put down one stroke, one mark, one word, one click of the shutter at a time.

What’s that other quote?  Creativity is like a muscle, if you don’t exercise it you will lose it. Or something like that.  Well…I haven’t been exercising much lately.  Recent events aside.  I have not shown up like should.  I could give you a long bullshit list of reasons why I don’t or haven’t shown up.  Most of the items on said list consist of some sort of fear whether real or imagined.  Memories of words said to me whether as a joke or snide remark.  It’s amazing how loud those voices can get when you want to be creative.  I haven’t gotten the courage to combat and defeat them fully or even a little yet.

I’m also starting to think that I need to put up or  in this case Show UP! or shut up.  Things won’t change if I don’t show up, things won’t change if I don’t try.

Circling back around to “If not now, then when?”

 

Day 14

Today is a day where I’m at a loss of what to write about.

I’m struggle to find an idea or words.

The  upside of the day was I got to spend it with my favorite two year old.
The downside, I seem to have misplaced my secret decoder ring to understand toddler.
Seeing as I haven’t had to use it in a number of years, it’s off collecting dust somewhere.

She speaks quite well and often clear for her age.  But there are moments where it sounds like she is speaking her own language and one has to guess what it all means.  Today before we left, she had to put make up on me, Gamma, and Papa.  Totally adorable!  Her Mama put a pony tail in her hair, so Gamma had to have one too despite her hair being a tad too short to have one but she managed to put the holder in her hair. This made Little Miss M quite happy.

After we brought her and her Mama home, we came home and the other half BBQ’d.  He grilled up some tri-tip, which was accompanied by mashed taters, green beans, and cream corn.  He nailed the grilling, it was done perfect and oh so tender.

Now it’s late, pillows are calling my name.  Over all it was a good day.

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