Day 30 – Not The End

It is the last day of the blog along.  Boy that went fast!  But it is not the end of the blogging for me.  Since I am doing the 100 Days thing, I intend to keep going.  I don’t know what I’m blogging about yet, but I’m sure it will come to me.  Crap, I was supposed to look up inspirational quotes, wasn’t I? Totally spaced that!  But I have a couple tucked away to start with if nothing else comes to mind.

I did get to see the Moon last night.  OH MY! She was glorious.  With the lights out, the entire room glowed from her light. So thankful that the clouds cleared out enough that I could see her.

I’m still reeling from the energy.  I’ve never had it make me feel under the weather before. So this is new.  I was reading that there are quite a few people experiencing this.  Adding to that the fact the tree pollen is in the very high range and the grass is in the high range, I feel like shit.  I don’t think I even felt like this with the pollen when I lived in Georgia.  Where every thing gets coated in this yellow dust, it’s so gross. Gonna have to restock on the allergy meds here soon.

So I was in the kitchen earlier and caught sight of the wishbone we have hanging by the sink. Well there’s actually two of them.  And now all I want is oven roasted chicken with carrots and onions, a gravy made from the drippings.  MMMMM!  I want it so bad. That and home made chicken soup.  While chatting with my cousin a couple of weeks ago she was telling me how she was making some and I have wanted it ever since.  Years ago, I made a chicken soup that I put some cilantro in and if I remember right a bit of recaito, add some diced avocado when I served it. It was oh my gosh so good.  But I can’t get recaito out here, which makes me a little sad. I really should think about making some soup this week.  I can eat that in any kind of weather.

Catching up on my reading, half  into chapter one of “Women Who Run With The Wolves”.  I don’t want to inhale the book. I can be a fast reader when I want to.  But with this book though, I find myself re-reading lines in a lot of places.  Something I don’t normally do.  I am trying to sort out in my head though, how do I put things into practice. I tend to overthink and over-process, so I could very well be making it much harder than it needs to be.  I probably should go finish reading chapter one, so I can move on to chapter two that we start with today. But this is one of those books that I can’t read around others too well.  I need solitude with it.

Tomorrow is Beltaine. May 1st being the traditional day for it.  I guess there is a lunar and a solar Beltaine?  Apparently yesterday was the lunar one. And Solar aka “true” Beltaine is on May 6th.  I did not know this.  I did not know there were differences.  I think I need to delve a little deeper into that, learn more about it and why it is.  If it is the same for Samhain too.

Well, that’s it for April.

Blessings!

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Day 29 – Full Moon Feelings

It’s the Full Moon. And it’s in Scorpio, my sign.  And.I.Feel.It!  I was wondering why I’ve been feeling so tired before I even get out of the bed.  After two cups of coffee, I’m feeling super exhausted and ready to go back to sleep.  My emotions feel on edge, couple times there I really had to practice restraint because I felt like I wanted to snap for no reason. Now, I know why.  It’s this moon.  Some of the people that I follow, that are knowledgeable about this stuff are all saying the same thing.  This moon is really doing a number.  From making you feel tired to making you feel like you’re catching cold.  Had that too!

I love the moon, especially the full moon. But I’m clueless about working with the moon and her cycles.

Things feel so topsy-turvy right now.  Everything feels like it is turning upside down and inside out. I feel emotionally raw and numb at the same time.  The numbness, that’s my defense mechanism.  When I’m hurting, I go numb.  I go to that dark place, where it doesn’t hurt so much.  It’s kinda like a goth blanket fort, I suppose.

There are things I want to talk about, but I don’t know how to put them into words. And if I do put them in words, it might have to be in my journal or if I do it here set it to password only.  I dunno.

I need a Christina Yang in my life!  It’s not that I don’t have people in my life, I do.  But, I don’t have a “person”.  I’ve always been the one people would come to when they needed something.  I’ve not had people there for me in the same way.  I don’t have a Christina.  (You’ll understand if you watch Grey’s Anatomy.)

I know my feelings and emotions are only heightened by the full moon. And once it is over, I know things will settle back towards the normal range.

Maybe I should go outside and let the wind cleanse me.  If only it didn’t make it so dang chilly!  Yes, it’s breezy but the gusts don’t seem too terrible.  Rain has been on and off. Cloud cover, unless it clears out I probably won’t see the moon tonight.

I was trying to find a quote to end the post with, but I can’t find what I am looking for. Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow.

Day 28

Let me start by saying last night was really great.  So proud of this girl.  If you would have told me that this little girl who was always so active and covered in bumps and bruises and scraps would have turned into this teenage dancer I would have said no way. For sure I would have said she had two left feet.  But girl got rhythm.  Then to hear these kids dancing and singing along to words of songs were out when I was in high school, made me feel a little….old LOL.  And apparently you can Letter in dance just like you can baseball, football, etc.  HUH! Who knew?

There were a couple kids there in Steampunk attire, which just made my night.  All the kids were really amazing.  Made me wish that we had some kind of class/program like this when I was in school.  But we didn’t even have sports teams or a gym, not even a cafeteria!  My old school has them now, but not back then.

I ended up wearing my long black skirt, with a black blouse that had two butterflies painted in white on the front, my peach cami under it, with my black wedge sandals.  Donned my witchy jewelry, for some reason I was feeling especially so.  Even though I was mildly self conscious of what I was wearing, I felt good and actually comfortable with my outfit.  I should have taken a picture but alas I didn’t.

While I was pondering what to wear yesterday, I spent some couple of hours on the YouTube.  Can we say Rabbit Hole?!  As bad as Pinterest!  I somehow came across some Natalie Goldberg interviews.  She is the lady that wrote “Writing Down The Bones”.  I have yet to read it, but desperately want to.  I hope I am lucky enough to find it in a thrift store or yard sale this year, just like I found “The Artist’s Way” a couple of years ago. This is another one of those books that everyone says is a game changer.  From the excerpts I read on Amazon, I can understand why.

In this one interview that they did with her around the 30th anniversary of “Writing Down The Bones” she was discussing how the book came about, how she didn’t expect it to be as big as it is, and the like.  I’ve gleaned a few nuggets from the interview that I wanted to share with you.  I know a number of us have this burning desire to write, so I thought these were good nuggets to share.

  • Make writing your practice.
  • You have to show up and pick up the pen and keep doing it.
  • If you make a mistake, it’s not a mistake. Keep going, keep including, don’t stop, don’t cross out…………don’t think, keep going.  (in regards to her art, but applies to writing as well.)

I’m sure there might a few more in there, but these are the ones that jumped out at me. I was thinking that for #1, just replace writing with Art or Journaling or Painting or Crocheting or Knitting. What ever it is you want to be doing, make that your practice.  For #2, replace pen with Pencil or Brush or Hook or Needle or whatever tool you use.  It all sounds so damn simple, doesn’t it?  And I guess in some ways it really is.  Once you get moving.  I just have to learn how to show up and work around the pain and tiredness I sometimes deal with. (Like right now, I wouldn’t mind going to bed and falling asleep. I have been tired since I woke up!!!!!!)

I have yet to find a way to create and start my practice.  Since there is so many things I want to be doing and I want to do them all …at once… all the time…. everyday.  But there are not enough hours in day to do all the things.  So do I schedule blocks? Mornings for writing, Afternoons for art? Assign days? Write Monday, Wednesday, Friday? Art Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday? Sunday a day off or wild card?  There are options, plenty of them.  I know I will eventually figure it out, hopefully any way.

If you care to watch the interview with Ms. Goldberg, here it is:

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Day 27

Getting the words out early today.  I have a thing tonight. The niece is having a dance thing at her school tonight and Mom T. and I are going along with Sister #2.  It seems like it’s going to be like a recital type thing with open dance afterwards?  I dunno, first time going to something like this, usually it’s her choir recitals we go to.  We have to (if we want to) “GULP!” dress up.  UH……….  I have dress options, but shoes…I don’t own dress shoes.  Weird eh?!  I have a pair of sneakers and a pair of wedge type sandals that I wore to a wedding 3 years ago.  I want flats, I’ve been looking. But everything I have tried is either, too big-too small-too tight-too loose-or so flat I might as well be barefoot.

We potentially have some weather coming in. And I am feeling it.  My hips have been giving me grief that has been increasing over the last few days. Now it’s creeping into my thighs and knees.  It’s only a matter of time before I’m sore from waist to toes. I’ve already indulged in an Advil, but only to combat the angry ninjas in my uterus.  I should be on the down slope there and hopefully by event time the ninjas will be on there way to their next victim.  Pain relievers don’t touch the other pains I have, not even a scratch. So if I end up wearing these sandals tonight, it should be interesting.

Hmmm….the weather. We’ve already got some wind going on.  Nothing too crazy yet, thankfully. Other wise it’s all sunshine and blue sky right now.  If this is all we get for wind, I will be okay with that.

I can’t believe we’re almost to the end of the blog along already.  Since I am using the blog for my 100 Days Project as well, the plan is to continue daily well into July or is it August.   I am thinking that maybe I could Google for inspirational quotes to share for the remainder of the project starting in May.  A quote a day?  It’s a thought.

I suppose I really should rummage through my things and pick something to wear.  I kind of want to wear my long skirt so I don’t have to shave my legs LOL.  I hate shaving them……I don’t like the stubbly feel when the hair grows back.  Or I could just wear the dress I wore to the wedding because it’s pretty.  BUT…..if it’s going to be stormy then I want my long skirt because then I could at least wear my not quite combat boots.  I don’t know what they call them really.  Prairie style?  They come up to maybe a quarter way up my calf, (don’t make me math LOL) and lace up over hooks at the top.  Better for if it rains. But then I have to pick a top as well.  *SIGH*  Can you tell I don’t dress up often?

Well best get too it, I won’t decide sitting here.  Have a wonderful Friday!

Day 26 – Spring Is In Swing

Ho Boy, spring has officially sprung. At least for the next couple of days, then temps drop into the 50s again for a few days. But right now, allergies are kicking my ass. I think I inhaled a little too much saw dust yesterday, woke up with a sore-ish throat today.  So it’s a tea kind of day. And I’ve been best buds with my allergy meds too.

Tomorrow they are talking 80s for temps.  Then there’s rumor of thunderstorms, up to 1″ hail, and ………….60+ mph wind gusts!  FML!  Upside, the tree isn’t a threat anymore. Downside, if it gets bad will the tarps pull off the roof?  We have no way of knowing or preventing it.  So we prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Buckets at the ready.

Since the pollen is wearing me down today, I’ve discovered Howard’s End on Amazon Prime.  Well I knew it was coming to it or airing thanks to Willow & Thatch on Facebook. I never saw the movie years ago and thought I’d give this a go. I’ve only watched the first episode and have enjoyed it so far.  But it also makes me want to watch the movie at some point.  Because Helena Bonham Carter!  Also Prime has all three Lord of the Rings movies!!!!!!!  I can do a marathon and not have to change discs!!!  Even if it’s not the extended versions, I don’t care.  Cuz Hobbits and Elves!

 

And last but not least for today, I have a quote for you.  I will probably reshare this in the near future as a feel a post about letting go/letting be coming to mine. But for now….

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Day 25 – Farewell Tree

The tree is now down, in pieces, in a pile. On top of what was already removed two weeks ago. The workers were delayed in getting here by about two hours.  It took almost an hour and a half to bring it down!

The “cherry picker” truck was having a bit a trouble when they got here.  We held our breath a bit as he got the truck into place. We thought he was going to either run into the pump house or hit the RV. OR WORSE!  Both!  But thankfully neither happened.  Come to find out, on the way to the house he had a driver in an RV pull across all the lanes on the Boulevard and in front of him.  He said he put on the brakes and tried to put into one gear, but ended up in another thus blowing out first gear all together. THEN…when he got here, he discovered he also could NOT go in reverse!!! WOW!

It was quite a spectical watching him maneuver this basket/crane into the various positions to cut it down in sections.  Such a marvel to watch.  Hearing the wood/limbs crack as they were cut and felled away from the truck.  The thud of each heavy piece as it hit the ground. I may have held my breath a beat or two when he was testing one limb and the enter tree shook down to the base.  But limb by limb, section by section it was dismantled.  At one point the trunk and severed limbs looked like a giant sling shot!  Now we have an at least 100 year old tree pile out there.

We still don’t know what we are going to do with all the wood.  We don’t have a fire place or a fire pit.  We are still thinking of maybe some creative things to do.

All in all it ended up being a rather beautiful day with temperatures in the 70s and sunshine.  They say we could see 80s this weekend!  TOO SOON!  I don’t do heat too well, nor extreme cold.  Fall is my season of choice.

Now it’s time to relax and get ready to watch the season premiere of Code Black.

Day 23 – Voices

I miss my Babci (Polish for Grandma) something terrible.   She was just my rock, my cheerleader, my confidant, my everything.  I have not heard her voice in almost 12 years.  My Gods does it hurt.

I grabbed a couple of CDs that I have looking for something specific.  I though I had burned some old picture files to one that had some genealogy stuff I could share with my sister.  In the pile, was a CD that I didn’t know what it was.  Not realizing it was a video my ex had made of some of our Florida trips with the kids.

At the very end, was a birthday for my youngest.  And oh GODS there she was.  My Babci.  And I could hear her voice.  My heart broke open, and I am sitting here in a puddle of tears.  The video is crappy, it’s like 14 years old.  I don’t know how old the disc is or how I even have it.  But her voice, is clear as a bell. She was singing Sto Lat to my little one.

I don’t think anything could have prepared me to hear her again, even if I knew what was on it.  I don’t know how I can preserve the CD, but especially those last 3 – 5 minutes. They mean the world to me.

Oh my heart, how it is overjoyed and breaking at the same time right now.

Sorry no inspiring quotes today.

Tomorrow the other part of the tree comes down.  I’m sad about that.  I have a thing for trees.  This one had “eyes” on it.  It’s an Eastern Silver Leaf Poplar.  I always felt like maybe it was watching over us.  We’ll be looking at Pintrest and Google for ideas of what we can do with some of the wood.

Now I’m going to go console myself with a cup of Chamomile tea and watch a little TV I think.

Day 23 – Quote For Today

It’s a Monday.  Definitely has that UGH vibe going on.  Nothing happened, it just feels that way.  I feel it in my body, certain spots just flaring up today.  Like today my purse felt like it weighed a million pounds.  No matter how I carried it, it felt super heavy and hurt.  Everything just feels heavy.

I think this will be a short post with a quote from my archives.  This came across the interwebs to me awhile ago.  Probably a share on Facebook.14333627_1557550904349837_6525962021129221375_n

Day 22

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This is another one of those quotes I come back to time and again.  Not really sure where I found this one, probably came up for on Facebook at some point.

I was pondering what to post today.  Feeling completely drained.  Feeling like the last couple of days are just doing me in.  I’m really trying to not let things get to me and bother me.  I don’t have enough chocolate in my stash drawer or enough wine in the fridge to  get me through the next week (If you get my meaning). As a water sign, I am highly sensitive and can be extremely emotional. I’m just gonna be thankful right now that the Full Moon isn’t for another week!!!

So I was looking through my folder of saved images and this one came up first.  And I had a thought………..I keep looking and digging and searching for myself, who I am, etc. But all I keep finding is ALL those things other people told me I was. What if instead of digging through all that crap, I create the person I want to be?

What if, I say FUCK IT ALL?! Wipe the slate. Throw out all that shit, all those lies, and start from scratch.

Start with the base of I’m still a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, mother, (ex)wife, friend.  Those things don’t change.  Those are truths, they are part of who I am.

Build up from there.  What/who do I want to be?

  • Artist
  • Creatrix
  • Writer
  • Herbalist
  • Photographer (or how about a Photographista?)
  • Healer
  • Witch
  • Pagan
  • Druid
  • Foodie

The list is endless really. I could go on and on.  I don’t want to be famous or rich. I wouldn’t mind having enough money to take all the classes I want to take from my favorite art teachers. Or take courses in herbalism, photography, naturopathy.   Maybe enough to travel to the places I want to go.

I know it’s not just that simple.  There is no waving a magic wand, or uttering a magic spell, or snapping my fingers, or twitching my nose.  I mean, if only! A girl can dream, right?

Nope, what ever I do, will take work.  Lots and lots of work. And soul searching.  And soul cleaning.  Is that a thing?  You know, like house cleaning, but for the soul?

Day 21 – Sorry, Not Sorry

amypoehler quote

I saw the first line of this quote on an image yesterday in a group I am. When I Googled it for an image, I found this one with the second line of it.  Discovering it was timely.

You see, I saw something that was written about me that I was probably not intended to see. And yes, I am 100% sure it is about me.  I knew the words were untrue, but nevertheless, guilt and shame and anger warred as I mulled the words over and over in my mind.  So much so, I couldn’t sleep that night. The wind was gusty and I could hear it blowing, every time it would gust up the air pressure in my room would change. It felt like things were contracting and expanding with the gusts.  So that didn’t help matters.

It was well past 2 AM when I finally dosed off into what was a very restless 6 hours of sleep.  I woke up, still simmering over the words that were said about me. I was sharing with no one.  I needed to try to hash this out with myself in my own way.  But my someone saw it and asked me about it. I said yes I’d seen it.  And even though my people here did not know me at that time, they were supportive and were sure there must be a mistake there somewhere.

I know this is all very vague.  And while I think sharing details my be helpful, I never know who might see or read this.

Now here’s what I’ve concluded so far. I am human.  I make mistakes.  And Goddess knows I’ve made a hell of a lot of them!!!  I am quite confident I will make many more in my lifetime.  Hopefully I will learn from them, and hopefully I won’t repeat ones I have made already.  I know I have hurt people with words and in deeds. I cannot change what I’ve said or done, but I can apologize.  I can’t fix it, I can’t change it.  If I did it and if I remember doing it then I will pull up my big girl panties and acknowledge what I did or said.  If I have no memory of it, then all I can do is apologize anyway.  I’m not the Doctor, I don’t have a time machine.  I can’t go back into the past and undo my mistakes.  All I can do is say I’m sorry and hope we can all move forward.

But what if it’s something I have been taught to be sorry for? I don’t know.  Am I supposed to be sorry for being human?  Am I supposed to be sorry for being an emotional being? Sorry for caring too much, loving too deeply?  Sorry because I cry when I’m angry, frustrated, happy, or sad?  Sorry for being a woman? Sorry for wanting boundaries and have them respected?

I don’t know if I will ever find my voice and own it.  I just know that have to learn to stop feeling guilty for the things that were not my fault.  I cannot be sorry for things that I am accused of that I did not do.

There are people out there that want to change the narrative. To make themselves look better, to make themselves look like the victim. To make me look like I’m crazy, that I’m depressed and delusional.  Would I be too bold to say that I am victim, turned survivor, turning into a warrior?  Because I am fighting like hell to own myself and figure out who the fuck I am.  Sure as shit I’m not who they told me I was.

They are still out there, trying to write my story when it’s not theirs to write.  Maybe that makes me a little uh, how should I say…ugh can’t find the word.  But my mother spent over 15 years spinning a tale about me to anyone who would listen about what a terrible daughter I was.  About how I abandoned her to get married and left her broke and eventually homeless. (because she didn’t want to be an adult.  she wanted to spend all her money and then my money too on bingo and lotto and Atlantic City.)  (PS: when she got evicted, she lived with friends until she wore out her welcome and moved on to the next friend.  she eventually found another place to live, after she burned all her bridges though. but that was my fault too dontcha know!)  So when you have lived your whole life with people writing your story and telling lies, while you sit by and think WTF is happening.  You can’t help but automatically think and even believe it’s still happening, just the author has changed.

That all sounds a little mad, doesn’t it?  But as the Cheshire Cat says, “We’re all a little mad here.”

Alright……….So……………all that was to say this…..I’m sorry for the shit that I did, for the mistakes I made.  But I’m not sorry for the shit you say I did or you think I did, that I most certainly did NOT do.  This is a slow lesson, but I will learn it well.

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