Day 3 – Surrender

I think….I THINK I was going to talk about my word of the year.  Something I was doing, posting in a group earlier brought the word to the edge of my mind. Which in turn began to seem a bit familiar.  Almost an AHA! Found it! type feeling.

Surrender.

I feel like I haven’t been surrendering to what I wanted to.  I had envisioned surrendering to my Muse.  Letting Her/It have their way with me. I thought by now, I would have many of my partially filled journals filled up, my stack of canvases painted, maybe even some writing done.

Instead, it feels more like I have surrendered to fear, doubt, and mostly pain.  Right now I want to surrender to sleep or a huge cauldron of coffee.  It’s the middle of the afternoon, barely even 2:30 and I just want to sleep.  BUT…I know if I do that, then I will have a hell of a time sleeping tonight.

This is not how I had planned on my word of the year going.  I know, we are just a hair into the fourth month. That there is still time.  I’m just super frustrated. I see all these ladies I admire doing their thing, making art, writing, living authentically, speaking their truth. And I’m over here wanting to do all those things, but let all the THINGS (waves hands) get in my way.

By gods I feel like a broken record.  Somebody stop the god damned merry go round because I want off.

ACK!  Damn thought….come back here!  WTF was I just gonna say?!

I dunno, I think it’s gone.  Maybe it will come back to me later.  That’s what I get for pausing, for talking to the dog instead of writing out my thought.  But that’s how it goes. Just that quick and the thought flies away.

So I guess my question is just HOW DO I SURRENDER?  How do I get to that place where I create every or almost every day?  How do I give myself over to the Muse?  How do I let go of the lies I’ve been told about myself? How do I let go of the fear and doubt? How do I stop giving in to them and start surrendering to the Muse?  I won’t address the pain, it is just a part of what is.  Chronic pain is part of my normal now, I just have to learn to live with it but not surrender so easily to it.

For this moment though, I really think I need to lie down.  Not nap, but just rest.  Maybe it will help.  I  don’t think sugar or caffeine is the answer.  Not when after you get the energy spike, you come crashing back down and then you feel worse than before you ate or drank the sugar/caffeine.

So I think I will go make friends with the couch for a little bit.  Hopefully it will make me feel better or at least less like a zombie.

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