Day 4 – When The Past Comes Calling

I’ve been thinking on things lately.  It happens every once in awhile LOL

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue I get a message on FB from someone I never expected to hear from.  My sister.  Well half sister.  Is she still just a half because we have different fathers?  Or is she full because we share the same mother?  Some told me once that we were sisters because we came from from the same mother.  We’d only be half sisters if we shared the same father, but had different mothers.  Talk about confusing me!

I first found out about her when I was 12-ish (around 1982).  We found each other in 1998.  We communicated some via email and instant messenger, exchanged xmas cards for a few years. Then she told me she didn’t want a relationship because her adoptive parents didn’t want her to.  I suggested we could just be friends but even that seemed too much for them. Outside of xmas cards, we pretty much stopped communicating.  When we first started talking, she wanted to know health history of the family.  Understandable.  Our mom, was pissed that I was looking for her, and livid that we even found each other.

When I left my Ex, I stopped sending her cards.  I didn’t tell her anything.  When our mom died four years ago, I didn’t feel obligated to disclose it to her. So imagine my surprise when I get a message from her saying she wants to research the family tree.  I struggled with this for a few days.  And she wants pictures if I have any I’d be willing to share.

On the one hand, I was thinking “Oh so now you know me”.  “Why now?”  “What’s her angle?” and all the other questions that go with that.  I mean there’s no money to be had, if that’s what she’s after. Then the other part me was thinking, well it is her family too and she knows nothing about any of it.  But still I struggled. In the end, I gave in and responded. I also had to tell her that our mother was dead.  If she was hoping and I don’t know she was, but any thing she might have hoped to have answered by our mom was long gone.  But at the same time, even if our mom was alive, and she did get to meet her….she would NEVER have gotten the truth out of her.  NEVER!

I haven’t sent/emailed any pictures yet.  I don’t have many on the computer.  I guess she has a right to see what her/our mom looked like.  In the one and only picture she sent me of herself, I thought she looked a little like our mom with long hair.  I did email her the immediate family tree today. Our mom’s parents, siblings, grandparents.  I didn’t break down everyone’s spouses and all our cousins.

Genealogy is a passion of mine, I’m only a hobbyist.  I wish I could afford a DNA test kit and a sub to Ancestry. I wish I could go to Poland and dig through church records and get more information.   I get to my maternal grandparents and I hit a brick wall. It’s frustrating.  One man did tell me that the name of my maternal grandfather is pinpointed to want specific town.  And that anyone with that name, all trace back to people from that town. So if someone has that name, in all likelihood we are related.

I just found that email where I was told that, and it blew me away. I had completely forgotten about it.  But it seems our communications abruptly ended, though he does travel extensively so that could be why.

I am apprehensive about where all this will lead with my sister.  I was so hopeful when we found each other twenty years ago.  I was so disappointed when she said she had to honor her adoptive family’s wishes and not have any sort of relationship.  I refuse to get my hopes up again.  I am pretty much expecting that once she has what she wants, I won’t hear from her again.

That seems to be the pattern with siblings that have not been a part of the family.  My cousin has a half sibling as well.  They or their mother reached out for primarily health information.  Once they got it, that was it.  I understand the need for it, I do.  But it is so painful to not know the person asking.

I was so hopeful that when my mother first told me she had something to tell me, that I was the one who was adopted.  I was so disappointed when she said no.  But when I found out I had a sister, I would fantasize about meeting her someday and having a great relationship with her.  I was even a bit jealous that she was the adopted one and not me. If it was me, then I had a reason to why I always felt like an outcast.

For now, I sit and wait to see if she has anything to say or ask.  And I have to decide which photos to share with her.  If I’m up to it, maybe I will do that today.



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