Day 5 – Contemplation

I was going to  write about this yesterday, but went off on that other trail about adoption.

This year I am turning 49. Next month will be 29 years since my uncle passed away at the age of 49. I didn’t realize it until I was looking through some papers and I came across a copy of his death certificate.  My grandmother, turned 49 just a few days after I was born.

I’m sure if I dig deep enough and hard enough, I will find other things.  Like, my mother was 49 when I graduated high school.  My father was 49 the year I moved to Florida.

I don’t know why, but it is just giving me some pause to think.  I think of all the events that happened, the one that seems to be hitting me the most is that I will be the same age as my uncle when he died.  It’s a little bit scary.  Granted, his death was alcohol related and he died in his sleep.  It still a little surreal.  Is that the right word?

Maybe it’s because he was one of my favorite uncles, even though I didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with him.  When I was very little, we’d go over to his apartment sometimes.  I have vague memories of us at my grandmother’s during a holiday. He and his wife and my cousins didn’t spend very many with my grandparents. It used to make me sad.  Mostly because I didn’t understand why no one ever spent holidays with my grandparents or invite them to the in-laws side of the family’s get together.

There is something else about him that I have wondered on occasion.  I was talking about it not to long ago with one of my cousins. She doesn’t want me to dwell on it, and I don’t. Not really.  It’s just a thought that lingers at the very edges of my thoughts, comes forward every once in awhile.  It wouldn’t change things if it were true.  Especially now.  Then I might have gotten upset, but then maybe…probably not.   I know I am being extremely vague.  But it’s something I don’t really want to put out there, especially when you never know who might read a particular post.

All of it is just  giving me pause to think, to contemplate just how short life can be.  Next year I will turn 50.  An age my uncle never got to see.  I guess that means I should probably think about making my 49th a hell of  year, no?

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