Day 9 – A Post In Which I Vent

How to make me feel like I’m not enough and too much in one go.  It’s easier than people think.  It makes me feel like I need to stuff myself in a box.  Like I shouldn’t speak or help, like ever.

It pisses me off.  It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry.  I makes me want to hide in a blanket fort and never, ever, ever come out.

Maybe I should just let people assume they are right all the time even when they are wrong and are saying the wrong thing.  Because if you’re going to get all pissed off and make me feel like shit because I quietly corrected you over something that I studied and was licensed to do for a time in my life.

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m stupid, that I don’t know anything. If I wanted to be made to feel like I’m insignificant and stupid I could have stayed where I was.

I know I am probably being too vague.  But I need to vent without going into all the details.  I’ve worked all afternoon to calm myself down.  I think I did well enough, because I didn’t cry, I didn’t get loud.  I didn’t even say anything even though I think I was well within my right to.

But fuck, I shouldn’t feel like I need to apologize for something that I didn’t cause. I shouldn’t be made to feel like I have to apologize because I know something.  I have a fucking brain.  I do know things.  I don’t know a lot of things, but this thing….this topic I do know a little something about.  I held a license (that has probably since lapsed since I never did any CE classes and no longer live in that state).

So yeah, that’s how to make me feel like I’m not enough and too much all at once. I’m too much for knowing things.  I’m too much for speaking up.  I’m too much because I corrected something with my knowledge.  I’m not enough because I don’t know how to just keep quiet. I’m not enough to have a brain in my head.  Or maybe those things also make me too much.  Maybe they all make me not enough.

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