Day 9 – A Post In Which I Vent

How to make me feel like I’m not enough and too much in one go.  It’s easier than people think.  It makes me feel like I need to stuff myself in a box.  Like I shouldn’t speak or help, like ever.

It pisses me off.  It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry.  I makes me want to hide in a blanket fort and never, ever, ever come out.

Maybe I should just let people assume they are right all the time even when they are wrong and are saying the wrong thing.  Because if you’re going to get all pissed off and make me feel like shit because I quietly corrected you over something that I studied and was licensed to do for a time in my life.

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m stupid, that I don’t know anything. If I wanted to be made to feel like I’m insignificant and stupid I could have stayed where I was.

I know I am probably being too vague.  But I need to vent without going into all the details.  I’ve worked all afternoon to calm myself down.  I think I did well enough, because I didn’t cry, I didn’t get loud.  I didn’t even say anything even though I think I was well within my right to.

But fuck, I shouldn’t feel like I need to apologize for something that I didn’t cause. I shouldn’t be made to feel like I have to apologize because I know something.  I have a fucking brain.  I do know things.  I don’t know a lot of things, but this thing….this topic I do know a little something about.  I held a license (that has probably since lapsed since I never did any CE classes and no longer live in that state).

So yeah, that’s how to make me feel like I’m not enough and too much all at once. I’m too much for knowing things.  I’m too much for speaking up.  I’m too much because I corrected something with my knowledge.  I’m not enough because I don’t know how to just keep quiet. I’m not enough to have a brain in my head.  Or maybe those things also make me too much.  Maybe they all make me not enough.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. angelsloveyou
    Apr 09, 2018 @ 20:24:39

    Sending you Hugs. Glad you felt safe enough to vent.

    Reply

  2. TheForgottenMuse
    Apr 09, 2018 @ 21:07:43

    Thank you. ❤

    Reply

  3. Karen Harwell
    Apr 09, 2018 @ 22:36:22

    Venting is good! We should all do more of it. That’s my personal opinion. Also, I’m working on not letting other people dictate to me what I think of myself. It’s hard but a must must do. x

    Reply

  4. Karen Harwell
    Apr 09, 2018 @ 22:36:22

    Venting is good! We should all do more of it. That’s my personal opinion. Also, I’m working on not letting other people dictate to me what I think of myself. It’s hard but a must must do. x

    Reply

    • TheForgottenMuse
      Apr 10, 2018 @ 17:09:53

      Yes Karen, ti is hard to not let someone else dictate your feelings. This is my vent space. I don’t really have a “Person” (like Meredith and Christina on Grey’s Anatomy) I can vent to. I just feel like everyone I think of going to would be judgemental in some way or other. Or they’d choose sides 😦
      This might not be the best place to vent, but here I am. And yes, venting is good if you can do it.

      Reply

  5. janasteyn
    Apr 09, 2018 @ 22:55:05

    Glad you could vent and get some of it out. Sending you hugs ❤️

    Reply

  6. Kat
    Apr 10, 2018 @ 07:15:32

    I am right here with you ❤ It's frustrating for sure, i've been there. I'm glad that you felt safe enough with us to vent about this, doesn't matter how vague you are being. *hugs*

    Reply

  7. simplyaubreyelaine
    Apr 10, 2018 @ 09:13:29

    Yay for venting.. get it out!! Oh how I feel this, ‘How to make me feel like I’m not enough and too much in one go. It’s easier than people think. It makes me feel like I need to stuff myself in a box. Like I shouldn’t speak or help, like ever.’ I’ve written about this a lot these past few months. It’s always bewildered me how we can allow people to make us feel ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ all at once. Big hugs!! Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

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