42/100 What’s On My Mind

I’ve got a lot of things running through my head the last few days, weeks.  Some of it is making me feel sick to my stomach, this shows me how much I am my father’s daughter. Stress, anxiety, etc just makes me feel like I want to “toss my cookies”.  My father was the same, only the “other end”.

I’ve been thinking about how people like to change the narrative to suit their needs and victim blame.  How people, in case of abuse, will ask the victim why they stay or stayed so long.  Again, it turns into victim blaming.  Thinking about how there aren’t enough resources for victims and survivors. Definitely not enough resources for those who endure emotional and verbal abuse, if any at all.

I remember when I spoke to a lawyer about my situation.  She said we wouldn’t use the verbal, emotional, financial, psychological abuse in court because it was too hard to prove.  I’m not sure what her plan was going to be, but I didn’t have $5000 to retain her services to find out.  I just know I didn’t want to be underhanded or vindictive, I just wanted out.

I have been thinking about how people I’ve trusted and confided in turned on me. I’ve thought about how when I cried out for help, my pleas went unanswered and ignored with a “you made your bed, you lie in it” attitude.  Except for two people back then. One person, to her I will forever be grateful for being my getaway driver. The other for offering me shelter.

Once again in my life, I have lost everything. The first time I was 16 and have nothing from my childhood.  The second is when I left and was only able to take a limited number of things.  So many sentimental things left behind, things that were my grandma’s or her mother’s.  It hurts that I had to leave them behind. Some of it was just too fragile to take a chance with.

I think about how people will point the finger at the victim and make them out to be the bad guy.  And there’s almost no point to try to defend oneself.

How people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses are looked down on as lazy or crazy.  How resources are so limited and sometimes inaccessible without jumping through a bevy of hoops to more than likely be denied anyway.  Because good luck trying to find a doctor that will actually even believe you in the first place.

Sometimes I think I want to be an advocate and a voice for abuse survivors and/or people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses like M.E./C.F.S./Fibro. But how do I advocate for others when it’s so hard to just advocate for myself.

I’ve been thinking about if there will ever be a day where I can make it as an artist (writer/photographer/creator of things).  Should I think of someday buying a domain name or not?   First I would like to take back my family name.  I thought I would want something cool or fanciful.  But the more I think about it, the more I want to go back to the name my father gave me.  To do that, I’ve estimated I need roughly $300 to cover things like filing, notices, etc.  I don’t know yet if there are more fees or not, but that is what I have come to so far.  Then there is the question of where the hell am I going to find this money?

I know things will eventually work out like they are supposed to. I just  get impatient sometimes.

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May 14 – 41/100 Hurty, Cuz I Need A Bubble Suit!

Very sore.
Very.Sore.

I swear I need a bubble suit lately.  LOL!

The other day, getting in the car I attempted to sidestep a twig that was aiming for my ankle and in the process whacked said leg into to the corner of the car door.  It’s now a pretty shadow of purple in that spot. BUT….I avoided the twig!

A few days before that, our Border Collie went after his ball and lost his footing.  So all 68 pounds of him bounded over my foot. I was sure something fractured in there.  It is also a lovely shade of purple.

Then last night, I bent down to put the bowl of cat food outside for the neighbor’s cat. He likes to come of a snack and say hello.  As I went to stand back up, thinking I was clear but apparently not I jammed my shoulder well and good into the wand that opens and closes the vertical shade at the back door.  Hurts like the dickens, there’s a welt under the skin, and I am sure in a day or so it too will be a lovely shade of purple.

I mean, guys…gals….I love purple but not this much LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Also hurting in other areas unrelated to but probably triggered by my clumsiness of the last week or two.  It hurts down my entire spine.

I have also been emotionally triggered.  So I’m sure it is going to get worse before I feel better.

It is what it is and all I can do is try and be gentle with myself.

 

 

May 13 – 40/100

I didn’t realize I missed a post yesterday until I had just about fallen asleep. Well, at that point, I wasn’t getting up to  write something.

It’s Mother’s Day. It wasn’t until I was grown up that it occurred to me (after hearing it in various circles) that why is it only set to one day? Should it not be a daily thing? I know, I know….money, marketing, etc.  Big business for many places.  I just can’t understand why a mother (or father come father’s day) is only super important one day a year. What about the other 364 day?

In the last few days, a week maybe two even, as today was drawing nearer I have been thinking about my Mom. We didn’t have the greatest relationship.

As I’ve mentioned before, she didn’t allow me to do the normal kid things like have or go to sleep overs, birthday parties, play dates.  I was about 12 before I was able to over a friend’s house to play. Close to 13 before I ever went to a sleep over.  I went to exactly 2 sleep overs. Same kids, once when they lived down the street and then when they moved to their new house.  That was it. I didn’t go on dates. She was always around.

After I got married, we didn’t speak for almost three years.  It wasn’t until I was expecting my first that we spoke again. We didn’t speak often, she didn’t have a phone. I probably spoke to her after I had the baby, the week I visited with said child, the week of my father’s funeral.  I honestly can’t recall actually talking to her until I found out I was pregnant with and lost my second.  Then when I was pregnant and gave birth to my youngest. The last time I probably spoke to her was when the youngest was almost three.  The last letters were probably a year later.

My mother died four years ago and it was over 15 years since we last spoke/wrote.  I’m okay with it.  I really am.

At first I was angry, not so much that she didn’t want to speak to me but because she would take every opportunity to trash talk me with lies and half-truths. I might have been a little hurt too.  But after a while, I just became numb to it I guess. I couldn’t change it or stop it.  I lived 900 miles away. People would either believe her or not.  I stopped caring either way.

I couldn’t, still don’t understand all that.  But strangely enough, I think I do understand something about her.  I don’t think she was meant for motherhood.  She had my sister, gave her up.  She had me, I think because it was expected of her because she was married.  My father swears she caused a miscarriage of the one after me.  I think he thought she might have tried to do that with me too.  I don’t think she actually wanted me, but was instead stuck with me.  I don’t think she had the skill set to be a mother.

She kept me fed and clothe and clean.  Once I hit 16, she told me she did her job taking caring of me and that it was now time for me to take care of her.  I think she actually expected me to repay her for everything.

I don’t know what it was like between her and her mother.  I only know what I was told about her father, and that was that he was strict and cruel, abusive even.  I don’t know how he was with my grandmother. I don’t know if she tried to protect them from him, or was she a willing participant. The rod wasn’t spared, the children weren’t spoiled but it seems all the kids between the oldest and youngest were wayward in some way or other.

So as I think about her, I think that she didn’t know how to be a mom in the “traditional” sense.  Not the idyllic sense of the word, the way books or TV would have us think of a mom.

And maybe I am way off  base here.  Maybe I am totally wrong in my thinking.  If she didn’t want me, she was stuck with me and I don’t think she knew what to do. So, I think that she just didn’t know how to be a mother.

May 10 – 39/100 Zoo Day

Had a lovely day at the zoo.  My first time visiting Boise Zoo.  It’s small, but fun.  While they don’t have elephants or pandas or gorillas, they did have a couple of Red Pandas and a Snow Leopard who happened to be in a playful mood rolling in the grass.

Most of the animals seemed to be in nap mode, though a few were awake and moving about.  Not all my photos came out like I hoped. I have now discovered that shooting through the enclosures with my lens is not the best since it focuses on the fence links instead of what I am trying to photograph. So my giraffe pictures and some of my wild cats didn’t come out well.  Makes me sad, but hopefully I will get to go back when the butterfly exhibit is open.

My new favorite animal is a Bear Sloth.  I did not know such a creature existed!

Here are a few of my favorites from today’s adventure.

Snow Leopard

Playful Big Kitty

Sloth Bear

Sloth Bear She says, “Is this my good side?”

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May 9 – 38/100 When It Rains, It Pours

Literally!!!!!!!!!!

If you have been reading along the last few weeks, you know we had a tree fall on the house and into the kitchen exactly thirty two days ago.  Thank the gods the tree is cut down because if it wasn’t the other half would definitely be in the house too.

We had another wind event this afternoon. I swear it was even worse than that one last month. The whole house shook and roar from the force of the wind.  Torrential down pour, lightening, thunder that just didn’t stop, hail, and then the wind.  It ripped the tarps off the roof, the plastic inside then caved in from the amount of water coming in.

It.Was.A.Mess!  Everything got covered in rain and muck from the tree pollen and leaves.

The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes, but felt like forever. The cats, ha! Bless them, pretty much could care less about what happened. The dogs however, were all shaking and crying.  It was all we could do to huddle them together and love on them, assuring them it was going to be okay.

When all was said and done, the kitchen was again a disaster. Got the insurance company called ASAP. They in turn called the restoration people to get their asses out here and fix the tarps.  They were out here quick enough and had us bandaged in about an hour.

All we can do is hope these trusses are built and ready soon, then we need three consecutive dry days for them to be installed and the rest of the construction repairs to be done.

We have more rain coming in Friday and Saturday. Possible wind too.  This all can’t be finished soon enough.

May 8 – 37/100

This came across the web waves to me several days ago.  I’ve walked on eggshells all my life. Still do, all the time. Even when I don’t have to, I do it.  I hope I can get to a day where I can stomp the eggshells and crush that shit to bits.  The pain will be enormous and probably most likely unbearable.  Maybe one day I will get there.  Maybe one day I will finally feel like I am enough.crush the eggshells quote

May 7 – 36/100

Last month I told you about my sister reaching out to learn more about her birth family.  She asked for family tree information and pictures, if I was willing to share.  I obliged after giving it some thought.  I figured if she wanted to know her roots, I should share the information I have.  I was hoping this would be an avenue for us to maybe connect, even if only as two people tracing the same family line.  I emailed some additional photos from my scrapbook album, and the little I know about the towns our maternal grandparents came from.  I’m sad that I have not heard back from her again.  I did after the first email of pictures and info, but not this second set. I realize she might be busy with grandkids and work. If this is the extent of things, then that’s it I guess. That makes me a little sad, but I suppose that’s just how things go sometimes.

Sleeping wasn’t fun with how sore I was.  Still am.  I opted to hold off on the last section I was going to tackle and held off on the closet too.  I’d rather not over do it.

I was reading an article yesterday on some symptoms that seem unusual that can be fibro related.  What was fascinating to me was that I had a majority of them, and have had them for awhile now.  The more I read, the more dots I connect, the more it seems that I do have fibro.  I know, there are other things that it could be as well like something with the thyroid. So far the most the doctor is willing to say is that I have chronic pain, I got a “Maybe” on fibro.  My choices of doctors is limited, so I can’t just go to any one I please.  There is one we’d like me to see, but without insurance or a couple hundred dollars, that’s not happening.

All I can try to do is be gentle with myself, rest if I need to even though I hate it.

May 6 – Day 35/100

I think I’ll mark it that way so I can at least keep track of where I am in the 100 Days project.  It should be day 36, but I missed that one a couple of days ago.

Decided to ignore the pain that seems to keep pushing to a full body ache for me.  I’m gonna really feel it in the morning, but for the most part it was worth it. Got 3/4 of the bedroom dusted and rediscovered.  By that I mean I cleared off the art table and found the surface again.  But in my defense I was hiding it on purpose….because cats!  I rearranged it some, moved some things off it and to the re-purposed for art supplies dresser.

Rearranged and reorganized my entire bookshelf!  That in itself was a project!  Tried to put most of my series/authors in groups.  One shelf alone is Game of Thrones and Outlander! Another consists of my Lord of the Rings and related books.  Which are sharing a shelf with my P.C. Cast books, my Stonewylde series (though I am still missing books 4 & 5). There’s another shelf that is housing my herbal books and my pagan books.  PHEW!  I am mostly happy with the way I have it right now, though I would rather not have two stacks per shelf on a couple because then I have to move a stack to see what’s behind it.

I moved all my nick-nacks and statues, things that sort of made up my attempt at an inconspicuous altar to my dresser. I can’t decide if I am pleased with it or not.  I think I like it enough, but then ……cats.  They do stupid shit.  They make jumping from the bed to the dresser a grand event. Like it’s the Grand Canyon, when in reality it’s maybe 18 inches, 24 inches max!

I still have a 1/4 of the room to address and I would like to maybe tackle the closet again. I need to.  If I don’t, I’m afraid that one of these times I open shit’s gonna attack me.  But that all depends on just how much pain I am actually in tomorrow.

I already feel it.  My back is really letting me know it hates me. Thank goodness for my heating pad.  It doesn’t actually help all that much, but the heat is comforting and sort of let’s me relax.  Speaking of, I think I’m going to go do just that.  Maybe it will loosen me up a little bit.

May 5

I’m still at a loss for words.  I’ve been trying to cope with some shit here lately and it’s triggering all sorts of fun (NOT!) stuff.  I originally was thinking it was my accident prone day, but now I’m realizing it’s that plus some other stuff.

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I will just leave it at this.  I’ll save the other quote for another day.  But this about sums it up for me, Only I am stuck in the loop of  relieving my mistakes.  And Holy FUCK! have I made a lot of them.  I have used some not so sound judgement all too often.  To the point of asking myself what the fuck were you even thinking when you did that.

Some of the shit is more on repeat than others, but the vicious loop just keeps going round and round, reminding me just how much I have screwed shit up.  I can’t find my way to the let it go and move on part.  But maybe some day.

May 4 – Day 33 (34)

My words have escaped me once again.

My brain won’t focus and bring them back to me.

I feel like I got hit by a truck, my body hurts and I did nothing to make it hurt.

Sometimes I just want to go back and hide behind my walls. Where the darkness felt almost safe.

 

 

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