42/100 What’s On My Mind

I’ve got a lot of things running through my head the last few days, weeks.  Some of it is making me feel sick to my stomach, this shows me how much I am my father’s daughter. Stress, anxiety, etc just makes me feel like I want to “toss my cookies”.  My father was the same, only the “other end”.

I’ve been thinking about how people like to change the narrative to suit their needs and victim blame.  How people, in case of abuse, will ask the victim why they stay or stayed so long.  Again, it turns into victim blaming.  Thinking about how there aren’t enough resources for victims and survivors. Definitely not enough resources for those who endure emotional and verbal abuse, if any at all.

I remember when I spoke to a lawyer about my situation.  She said we wouldn’t use the verbal, emotional, financial, psychological abuse in court because it was too hard to prove.  I’m not sure what her plan was going to be, but I didn’t have $5000 to retain her services to find out.  I just know I didn’t want to be underhanded or vindictive, I just wanted out.

I have been thinking about how people I’ve trusted and confided in turned on me. I’ve thought about how when I cried out for help, my pleas went unanswered and ignored with a “you made your bed, you lie in it” attitude.  Except for two people back then. One person, to her I will forever be grateful for being my getaway driver. The other for offering me shelter.

Once again in my life, I have lost everything. The first time I was 16 and have nothing from my childhood.  The second is when I left and was only able to take a limited number of things.  So many sentimental things left behind, things that were my grandma’s or her mother’s.  It hurts that I had to leave them behind. Some of it was just too fragile to take a chance with.

I think about how people will point the finger at the victim and make them out to be the bad guy.  And there’s almost no point to try to defend oneself.

How people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses are looked down on as lazy or crazy.  How resources are so limited and sometimes inaccessible without jumping through a bevy of hoops to more than likely be denied anyway.  Because good luck trying to find a doctor that will actually even believe you in the first place.

Sometimes I think I want to be an advocate and a voice for abuse survivors and/or people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses like M.E./C.F.S./Fibro. But how do I advocate for others when it’s so hard to just advocate for myself.

I’ve been thinking about if there will ever be a day where I can make it as an artist (writer/photographer/creator of things).  Should I think of someday buying a domain name or not?   First I would like to take back my family name.  I thought I would want something cool or fanciful.  But the more I think about it, the more I want to go back to the name my father gave me.  To do that, I’ve estimated I need roughly $300 to cover things like filing, notices, etc.  I don’t know yet if there are more fees or not, but that is what I have come to so far.  Then there is the question of where the hell am I going to find this money?

I know things will eventually work out like they are supposed to. I just  get impatient sometimes.


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