What’s Happening

Well, let’s see….It’s been twenty days since I last blogged here.  I have been doing a little be over at Blogger, but nothing consistent.  And I have barely written much fiction.  Did I even?  I don’t think so.  So I am failing at Camp NaNoWriMo this time around.  If I get my act together, put my ass in the chair I might make it to ten thousand.  Just means I need to revise my goal.

The whole no computer thing, wasn’t really too bad.  Well it was and it wasn’t.  The tablet is great and all, but it is nothing like the computer.  I can do a search on both and get a different result on each. Viewing pages on the tablet can be annoying, especially if it is something that has a lot of ads and pop ups.  I would write long hand, probably should have.  Only when I am trying to write, and I am surround by  family I just can’t do it.  Too many distractions, chit chat, questions. So I am very behind my original goal.  But I am not going to beat myself up for it. I am human and life happens.

Since getting back into the house and “moving” in, with moving stuff  back and cleaning which was supposed to be done by the company that was to fix the house. I spent the earlier part of the month working through the workshops offered in the summer session of Woman Unleashed.  SO.MUCH.GOOD.STUFF!!!  Old favorites like Tam from Willowing and Shiloh Sophia taught.  But then I learned from some new to me ladies like Lou Reed.

One them that kept coming up for me was Let Go, Let Go, LET GO!
That the time of the lone wolf was over.  This was an A-HA! moment because up until I watched this workshop I was feeling very much like the lone wolf.  No friends, no family near by.  Most of my friends are online friends, but even then…I don’t know, most that I  thought we had a kinship with haven’t pulled away or disappeared entirely.
Authenticity or Authentic Voice. This has been a big one on my radar.  I don’t feel heard or seen. I’ve struggled with being heard all my life.
Bring things into fruition.
Be Open, Try New Things, Listen To Spirit.
Release the shoulds, enter a place of freedom.

There was this one workshop with Dr. Kellee.  Which was on Mindful Health or supposed to be. It was one of those that the topic changed last minute.  It came down to How You Want To Feel vs Undesired Ways Of Being vs Desired Ways Of Being.  While she normally would use this with weight loss, I found nuggets that could apply to several situations.  For instance, I want to speak my truth, be authentic, live an intentionally creative life. But I always stop short of stepping into these things.  And one of the things that stops me is FEAR.  We all know what that feels like.  It’s not just the fear of not being good enough and all the things that go with that.  It’s also the fear of they won’t like me if I am the real me.  So I try to fit myself into everyone else’s box of who and what they want me to be, so that they will be happy.  Something I need to work on.

The big thing from Monique’s session was this “Your Presence On This Earth Is Intentional AND On Purpose.”  I mean….WOW!!!!!!!!  I don’t know why I am here, but there is a reason for it.  Maybe one day I’ll discover what it is, maybe I won’t.   But holy hell that’s a powerful statement.

And from Beth’s session, “THE MAGIC IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR”.  Wow!   So if I can get to the other side, the magic can happen.

So many nuggets.  So much wisdom, good stuff, inspiration.  My problem is though, I get all “FUCK YEAH! LET’S DO THIS!” during the sessions and a few days after when I’m still riding the high of it.  Then I crash and burn, the gremlin voices take over and all that fire fizzles out and I end up doing nothing.  I am so tired of being on that ride.  I want to keep the fires burning, I want to see what’s on the other side.  I want the magic to happen.  I want to show up and do the work.  I want to kick those gremlins square in the ass.  But how to get to that point and stick to it.  AH…the $64,000 question.

Then we come to the pain.  I have to go for a check before September.  Just routine, annually how you doing type thing.  I’ve got new stuff happening.  Some old stuff happening more frequently.  I shudder at the thought of even trying to discuss any of it with the doctor. He seems to want to just label it as chronic pain in general and leave it at that. When I last asked if it could be fibro, he shrugged it off and said maybe then changed the subject.  I don’t really have the option to change doctors.  I kind of stuck right now.  Unless I got Medicaid or we as a country went to a Universal Healthcare System, I’m pretty much stuck.  The one doctor that I think might listen is an OB/GYN and he only works for the clinic twice a month. I can only see him if I am referred!  He’s kind of a friend of the family’s and even though OB is his speciality, he does deal with women’s health.  He has a private practice, but I can’t afford the visit.  So, I am basically stuck.

It’s another triple digit day here in the Treasure Valley.  We’ve had an unusually long heat wave of triple digits.  In the seven years I’ve been here, I don’t remember having this many days in a row with no break. No relief in sight.  We haven’t had rain since a cloud sneezed in June. No take that back. It was a little over a week ago, maybe two.  There was a lot of wind, lots of dust walls.  When that finally settled, I went to gather up the little things that tried to blow away. And all we got was a handle full of drops, not even enough to get anything wet. Goodness only knows when we will get rain.   And all the fires  burning around us in California, Nevada, Oregon, and Northern Idaho makes for poor air quality and smoke riddled skies. On the really bad days, you can smell the fires.

Well, I think I’ve brought this up to speed, without boring you with the details of my new pains.  Have a great weekend and hopefully I’ll be back to blogging regular again, as long as my hands can handle it.


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