Year Ending Post

Farewell 2018.  A year of ups and downs, a year of lessons, and for the good and the bad I thank you because there was something to be learned regardless.

This is the year I learned that not only do I have chronic pain, but I have bone spurs in my spin, neuropathy, and some early degeneration things going on. It’s the year I learned to surrender (which was my word for 2018) to my body. That I can’t always do the things I want to do.  That pushing myself physically isn’t always the wisest option. That I really need to learn to practice self-care.  I hope to find a caring doctor that is willing to listen to me.

I am, I think anyway, learning to come to terms that I am not everyone’s cup of tea.  For some, I am too much.  For others, I am not enough.  Some have decided I’m something I am not based off things others have said and don’t want to take the time to even get to know me.  Much of my life I have spent trying to fit myself into someone else’s box to fill their version of me.  I can’t keep doing that anymore, not for anyone whether friend or family.  I have to be true to myself.  This isn’t a coffee vs tea, Coke vs Pepsi kind of thing. There are times where compromise and change might be warranted, but if it means I have to give up my soul and identity for you….no more.

I am hoping to be more creative in 2019. I am a student in Tam’s Lifebook this year.  I am excited to take part in the classes being offered.  I wish I was taking Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy, and Wanderlust with Kasia.  Honestly the list of classes I want to take is endless, I just don’t have the funds to partake.  I was fortunate to win the spot in Lifebook.

I want to write more this year.  Hopefully to start by blogging more often. Then maybe a goal of 250 words a day.  Start low, build up momentum.  I am so far from the novel I dreamed of writing 14 years ago. I can’t even remember where I was going with it.  When I read my words, it seems so foreign to me.  I keep my binder of writing out where I can see it as reminder.  I have new ideas that I am jotting down as they come, but nothing that has formed into a story yet.

I hope to really learn my camera this year.  I’ve only had it for  3 years!  I think it’s time I learned the ins and outs of it by using the advanced settings.  Sure it’s easy to use the presets and just point and shoot, but I have a compact for that.  I want to learn to use the F stops and such.

Lastly, my word for 2019 is SACRED.  This word scared me when it came to me right after thanksgiving.  I wasn’t even looking for my word yet, I figured I had at least a couple of weeks before I started to give it some thought.  But it came out of the blue and I wanted to run for the hills.  Words like sacred, prayer, holy remind me of church and things that no longer ring true for me if they ever did. I think sometimes I believed because I was told I had to, and when I was old enough to know better I discovered things were just  not right.

Over a decade ago, when I started to think differently a Goddess came to me and called to me.  Now, I didn’t know anything about Goddesses and Gods really outside of Greek and Roman mythology.  The Goddess Cerridwen called to me, but I didn’t know how to  answer.  So far all the years since I have been just sort of wandering in circles, looking at different paths.  Hedgewitch, eclectic witch, Green witch, druid, and so on.  All have things that appeal to me, but again still wandering aimlessly.  I think she and Brigid have always been there, waiting patiently.  And I think she is calling to me again.  That it’s time to follow.

I still don’t know how to follow or what it will mean to follow either or both of them.  I don’t know how I will honor them or where this will lead.  Or if I will receed back into shadow and hide because I don’t know WTF I am even doing.  This time around though, I am willing to be willing.  I will try not to shy away. I will try to not let the snickers and snide comments get to me if that happens.

I don’t know where the word Sacred will care me to this coming year.  So far it has come to me that my art will be a prayer and a practice.  I have a feeling that I will learn that I am a Sacred  vessel, that my words are holy and have meaning.  I am still very drawn to Mary Magdalene and the Virgin Mary, St. Dymphna too is in there somewhere.   So maybe they will play a part in all this too.  All I can do is be open and willing.

So to my word, Sacred, to the Marys, to the Goddesses, to my Muse or Muses….I am ready, I am willing, I am open.

To all of my readers here, thank you for following along with my ramblings and thank you for reading them.  I wish you all the brightest blessings, much love, health, prosperity, and joy in the coming year.  Here’s to a wonderful 2019!

 

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