Black Moon Blessings

Well.

Here we are.
The last day of July!
It’s also the Black Moon.
Which means it’s the second New Moon
in the same month.
I can’t say I remember ever having one.
But then, it’s only the last year or so that
I’ve been paying attention to anything besides
the Full Moons.

It’s also the end of Mercury’s Rx.
The end of the eclipse cycle.

New beginnings.
New Beginnings!
At least I hope so!

So, this morning, I was checking my email as I always do over my morning coffee.
And I had a newsletter email from Kristal Norton.
About mid way  through it she says this:

“The yearning we feel to create, is our Creative Soul calling us back home.

That. Right there. ‘Your Creative Soul is calling you back home.’ (Big breath.) – ”

Holy moly!!

That was like a light bulb moment this morning.
My Soul is calling me home.
And what do I do 99% of the time?
Ignore it or brush it off or tell it later, not now.

I really suck at listening to my soul calling.
I really suck at following my heart to do more of what makes me happy.
I am trying to get better about it.
Trying to listen to what my soul wants.
Trying to do more of what makes me happy.

It’s basically like having to reprogram myself.
To unlearn all the things I was told not to do.
To learn to do the things I want to do. And that it’s okay.

Okay to be creative.
Okay to want things.
Okay to have the things I want.
Okay to do more of what makes me happy.

So here’s to new beginnings on this Black Moon.

Oh, That Old Familiar Feeling

I can feel it.
Feel it tugging at me.
The one that urges me to  stop.

To stop creating.
To stop writing.
To stop painting.

To just stop because maybe I’m
just not good enough.

But then, there’s this other part of me.
There’s this part that wants to rebel and
say, “NO! Fuck off with those lies!”

I may not be the best.
I may not be good.
But damn it all it brings me such joy.

My hands are being rebellious and hurting.
They don’t want to cooperate.
Gripping is painful right now.
So, I’m trying to let them rest, but I need to
write this.  To get it out of my system.

This is the struggle I go through trying to live a
creative life.
My heart wants to do all the things. It skips
beats and gets excited.
Then my brain says no, you can’t because
you’re not good enough. You’re a failure.

My heart tries to tell it that it’s full of shit and
a liar. So my brain tries to get my body on board
with its nonsense by making it all hurt-y and
stiff and cramp-y.  So then I have to force myself
to rest because my heart wants to do all the things.

Then the weather joins in and says oh hell no you.
It’s too fucking hot to function.
My body, not being tolerant of the heat wants to go
all melt-y like and be uncooperative.

So there I am in a vicious cycle of wanting and not
doing for one reason or another.  Pain and heat,
being the victors these last couple of days.

But they won’t win for ever.  The heat will break.
The pain will ease. Then at last I will come out on top.
And I will be in creative mode once again.

After all, I have five brand new canvases that I was
gifted that need painted.
And I have a few from my one craft store trip that need
painted too.
My easel is crying to be used.
So are my set of paints from Christmas.
My oh my those colors are so juicy.

Maybe I should just say fuck the heat.
Fuck the pain. Fuck it all and just dive in.
Dive into that juicy delicious paint and blank
canvas screaming for color. Dive in and create and overcome.

Maybe I should do that!

Astrology And Me

This is so much deeper than I ever imagined.

I always thought that astrology was the sign you were born in.
Like I was born a Scorpio.  So that was it.  Period.
Then about eight years or so ago, I got a card reading.

This lady was so spot on.  It was the first one I got that was accurate.
She was legit.  Didn’t ask me for more money. Didn’t even ask me
questions.  Just read the cards.  Okay the only thing she did ask me
was my birthday, maybe the time too.  And that was the first ever I
heard of a Moon sign.  Mine happens to be Gemini.

Some where along the way, I discovered my Rising/Ascendant sign
was Capricorn.  I hated that because my mother’s birth sign was that.
I wanted nothing to do with it.  But, it is what it is and when I read
horoscopes for it sometimes, it’s pretty spot on.

I’ve heard of birth numbers and mine is a 9.  Then there is the year
your in number. I’m either in a 4 or a 5 year depending on which
birthday I use. Last year’s or the one coming.  Either way, it seems
to be more or less accurate.

But now I’ve learned about something called a Stellium?  Mine
happens to be Libra and it totally explains why I second guess
myself and my decisions and choices.  It explains why I always feel
like I’m essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Though, I was
informed that this type also relates to learning, philosophy, relationships,
communication.  I love learning, I love deep conversations, I suck at
communicating because I never feel heard.

My Gemini Moon explains why I feel this deep need to find security and
safety.  Why I often feel restless and unsettled.  Why I feel like I am
being pulled in too many directions.  Why I need to feel free to be creative!

My Scorpio Sun explains why I absolutely need to get to the bottom of
things, the why I need answers feeling.  I explains my deep passion for
authenticity and truth.  Why I feel like I need to distinguish myself again
with philosophy and education, but also with faith and travel.

My Ascendant Capricorn explains why I’m viewed as conservative or
serious. I’ve been called a prude on more than one occasion.

But there is so much more, isn’t there?
Like, I have several houses (?) that are empty. No signs or planets in them.
Though, someone said a house is never really empty. Like my 11th house
on my chart is blank. Nobody home.  But it’s ruled by Sagittarius.  This is
actually confusing me a bit. And the Google isn’t being very helpful.
The same with the stuff about the Stellium. Google isn’t helpful there either.

But I’ll keep trying different ways of asking what I’m looking for.
I am going to try and dive into some YouTube videos this weekend, maybe
they can shed some light.

Another inquiry came up in the group I’m in.  About are you an
Indigo, Starseed, Lightworker, Rainbow, Fae, or Crystal?  Outside of the
Fae, most of the others seem to be similar in traits or at least what I have
seen online.  Someone in the group said you can only be one of them.
But what if your traits line up with more than one? I seem to have the
most traits with being an Indigo. But it is yet another thing I know very
little about.  It’s interesting though.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly so curious and interested.  I’ve always,
I suppose, been fascinated by astrology and numerology. It just seems that
learning it now would be so daunting and most definitely overwhelming.
I don’t think I want to do charts for people or anything like that.  I think
it’s more that I want to get more insight into myself.

On a side note, I took one of those online quizzes and it told me I was
something called a Pleiadian starseed.  Just another thing to dive into
when I want to fall down a rabbit hole.

You Do You….Or Do You?

I get that a lot.

You do you.
What ever you decide.
What ever floats your boat.

Do you get that as well?
People telling you to do what’s right for you.
To be yourself.
To make your own decisions.

I do, quite often.
But when I do…do me….
Then it pisses people off.
And well that’s not what I meant.
And you made the wrong decision…wrong choice.

So basically what I’m being told is
You do you, BUT only if it’s in line with my idea of
what you should be doing.

It seems to me, in other words, that me being my
authentic self, speaking MY truth, setting boundaries,
trying to be me (whoever that is, still figuring it out),
doing my thing, me doing me…..if it doesn’t line up with
how some think I should be or act or do or say…then, I’m
wrong and need fixing. That I need to make better choices
in line with someone else’s ideas.

So I have to fit myself into a box that isn’t meant for me.
I’m supposed to fit myself into a box of someone else’s
designs.

I’ve done that ALL my fucking life.
Trying to please my mother.
Trying to please my grandmother.
Trying to please friends.
Trying to please lovers.
Trying to please employers.
Trying to please a spouse and his family.

And I never ever ever fucking fit.
No matter how hard I tried, I was always wrong.
Maybe not so much with my grandmother, supposedly.
But I know I didn’t want to disappoint her, and I’m
sure I did….many times.

I wanna stop this merry-go-round.
I wanna get off.

When do I get to do me?
When do I get to do what makes ME happy?
When do I get to be my authentic self?
True, I need to figure out and find her first. But still.
When do I get to have my boundaries respected?
When do I get my voice heard?

Every day, I struggle to be heard on the most basic of things.
Most days, I just give up.
It’s hard to try to speak to only be ignored and treated like
you’re not even there.  Or like what you’re saying doesn’t matter
or is just plain wrong.  Or when they try to prove you wrong
like you don’t know shit.

It’s a bitch when people don’t ask you what you want.
They just assume and make decisions based on there assumptions.
Then get pissed that you don’t  do a fucking jig because of what
they did.
It’s like assuming I want the same pizza topping every time.

I understand there is a time for compromise and what not.
But when you’re the only one expected to compromise who you
are, your  values, your beliefs, your dreams, your desires, your
authenticity, your voice……….shit gets old. And I get pissy and
rebellious.  Some might say I get stubborn. Or that I am being
childish. Call it what ever the fuck you want.  It’s time I found
myself and my voice.

Maybe it’s all this astrological stuff going on. The eclipses, the
two dark/new moons, the retrogrades.
Or maybe I am finally waking up and ready to say enough, it’s
my time.
I don’t know.
But it will be interesting to see where it all goes.

Points To Ponder

So the other day was the Feast Day of Mary Magdalene.
And the book “Mary Magdalene – Revealed” was on sale for Kindle.
So of course I grabbed it.  I checked out the “look inside” preview
before I bought it.
And think what intrigued me from the preview is A) the first few pages
of her Gospel are lost, B) there are a few more internal pages that are
lost, and C) when the author quotes from chapter 3 of Peter asking about
what is the sin of the world and Christ answered that there is no sin.

Wait….WHAT?
Then why are we taught that we are all sinners?
Why do we have to even be baptized to cleanse the stain of Original Sin?
Why do we need to go to confession?
Yes, I know some of these are questions for a specific faith.
But then also why do we need to repent it gain access to heaven,
if there is no sin?

I haven’t dove into the book yet, so I don’t know if these questions
might be answered. I do recall though, that this book and the others
which make up the Gnostic Gospels are not considered to be part of
most bibles.  Now, I wish I had read my small book of them that I bought
years ago when I first heard about Gnosticism.  I’ll have to maybe try to find
another one.  Or maybe even a digital copy would be fine.

Switching gears now……..

I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure out my mother.
What made her tick.  What made her so possessive of me, but yet
despise me at the same time.  I don’t think I will ever truly understand,
let alone figure it out.  The one person left who might have some answers
has severe dementia/Alzheimer’s and doesn’t even recognize her own
grands as far as I was last told.  And the other person who could, doesn’t
seem to know any more than I do, we’re both at a loss.

However, I think I may have come to a conclusion of sorts.  As the story goes,
my mother was forced to give up her first born by  her own mother. I don’t
think she necessarily wanted to have a baby with my father.  The story I’ve been
told is that I was an accident.  My father, as I understand it, believed she tried to
get rid of me by doing heavy lifting and by falling off a ladder.  For whatever
reason(s), I am here despite whatever she might have done to prevent it.

So I think that perhaps she was so controlling and overbearing because of having
to give up her first born. And since she couldn’t get rid of me (if she did in fact
try to), then she was going to do her damnedest to control my life. So I believe
that she may have resented me for living, but no one else was going to have a
say in how I turned out.  I guess in the end I was truly a disappointment
because I didn’t turn out the way she tried to mold me.

I don’t know if I am ever remotely close to being right. But it does make a bit
of sense and seems plausible.  I think she was maybe trying to control as much
of the outcome as she could.  And when she failed to make me into a bitter and
hateful person, she disowned me and never spoke to me again.  Really though,
she just started acting like I didn’t exist.  She didn’t call. She stopped writing or
responding to my letters.  If someone inquired about me to her, she would say
“who?”. When she took sick and was diagnosed with diabetes, when she had a stroke,
when she was in the hospital…..she never once reached out to tell me any of it.
Even if she were still alive today, I wouldn’t get any answers from her. So all
I can do is guess and draw my own conclusions.

Yesterday was zoo day.  It was my second visit to this zoo.  It’s small, so you can see
everything in a few hours. This time the butterfly house was open and boy was I
ever in my happy place.  I adore butterflies….so just being in there brought me
so much joy.  I took over 200 photos at the zoo, the majority being in the butterfly
house.  A few I deleted once I pulled them from the camera because they didn’t
come out right.  Too much focus on the wrong thing and you couldn’t see the animal.
The other place I took a butt load of photos was the goats.  This part also makes me
extremely happy.  The sloths were sleeping…AGAIN.  The new animals were still
getting acclimated to their new home so we didn’t get to see all of them. Several were
recuperating from things…even a snake had surgery and you could see it’s staples.
It was still a good day though!

 

Monday’s Musings

I’m still in recoup mode.
Grateful that it is not as hot as they originally forecasted.
I’ve got tomorrow’s dinner in the crockpot.  It is/was
supposed to be chicken cacciatori, but I think it is more of
a chicken veggie stew in a tomato sauce.  Still tastes yummy.
Carrots aren’t done yet, so good thing it’s for tomorrow.

Tonight is chicken fettuccine Alfredo. Homemade sauce!
Not my doings, I have a hard time with creamy cheesy sauces.

Wanted salad, but refuse to pay 3 bucks for a small bag of lettuce
or 2 bucks for a head of iceberg!  So we’ll wait. For now any way.

It’s the feast day of Mary Magdalene.
I have no idea how to honor that.
The book “Mary Magdalene – Revealed” is on sale on Amazon for
the Kindle today.  I  still had some gift card money sitting there so
I bought it.  It has rave reviews. And it’s only 1.99!!!

Tomorrow is going to be a Zoo Day!
I will finally get to see the butterfly exhibit.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Yep, I am the crazy lady that gets excited about the butterfly house.
I hope tomorrow I can get a better view of the sloths.
There’s also a new exhibit that opened up last week that we’ll see.
Hoping to be there right after they open so we can beat the heat.
Not that it will take a whole lot to make me look like I’ve been boiled.

I’m a bit behind on word count.
Don’t know if I’m going to make it.
I can if need be adjust it, but we’ll see.
There’s still ten days to go.

Almost dinner time.

May the blessings of the Magdalene be upon you and yours.

Totally Worth It!!!

Last night was AMAZING!

DSCN5277.JPG

I never in a million years thought I would get to see Garth Brooks live.
But last night I did!!!
Three hours of amazing music.

I’m sore.
I’m exhausted.
My throat hurts.
I have a splitting headache.
But it was totally fucking worth it!

I’m so tired, I’m barely functioning.
I don’t even know how I’m awake.
We got home at about 3 AM.

I regret nothing!

Friday’s Thoughts

If I keep skipping days, I’m not going to make my writing goal for the month.
I need to get my shit together damn it!

But I’m so damn tired!
Even today….I could literally fall asleep right now.
I have no idea why I am feeling like this.
I don’t like it.

OH and now my throat is a little sore.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gone overboard with drinking soda.
Or if I’m catching Bug’s cold.
Or if this crazy weather is taking it’s toll on me.
Whatever it is….I don’t like it either.

One more sleep to Garth Brooks!
YAY!!!

Last night was nice.
Had dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack.
I haven’t been to one in over 20 years!
Fuck it’s expensive!!!
I had the lobster tails.  Yeah, I know. I went to a crab place and had lobster.
I was expecting some other steam pots on the menu that I saw in Google.
But apparently it was completely different menu and half of what was on it
wasn’t on the one at the restaurant.
It was still good.

We had a nice spot by the window with a view of the river.
I managed to snap a few pictures while we waited for our dinner.
I think this is my favorite.

DSCN5238.JPG

We took the surface streets back instead of the interstate.
Figured there might still be a lot of traffic on there.
There’s a question I’ve been asking myself almost all year.
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
It was something that came to me sometime last year and I constantly
ask it of myself.  But I still don’t have the answer.
We were passing a crossfit place and I saw this painted on the side of the
building:

DSCN5249 (2).JPG

Secret message?
Synchronicity?
Is it meant for me?
I have had a lot of thoughts going through my head.
Including this the last few days.  I think it was perfect timing and a perfect reminder.

 

Wednesday’s Words

Still pondering those ideas.
Having some trouble putting it to words.
Not unusual though.
I think it’s just that this moon is draining me.

We’ve got dangerous heat coming in next week.
By next weekend, we’re looking at triple digits!!!
I’m not looking forward to that at all.
Is it Fall yet? I’m so ready, been ready for that matter.

So I had a thought about my art space.
I brought up the suggestion that maybe we can find an
old fifth wheel camper and do some remodeling. It might
work out to be less expensive.  It can be moved if needed.
It would have a sink and a bathroom and ELECTRICITY!
Which means, no need for wiring a shed.  The downside,
is I wouldn’t have wall space to work very big on.  Upside,
no permit would be needed.  So there are some pros to
that idea.  Something to consider for sure.

Looking outside, it looks very weird.
Like someone took a sepia filter and dropped it over the sun.
It looks rather cool though.

Apparently, I got a pack of new blank canvas to paint on off the
Prime Day sale.  I wasn’t expecting it, so it was a nice surprise.
Bug was over and brought them to me after they were unpacked.
I asked her what are they for. She thinks a moment and says
“PAINTING!”  Then she says, “I think I wanna paint…..A HORSE!”
After which she turned to her mom and says she needs some
paint.  But her mom said not today, since Bug is still under the
weather and that we’d have to do it another time.  It was super
cute.  I’ll have to see if I have a small canvas for her to use so
the big space won’t overwhelm her.

Tuesday’s Thoughts

I skipped a couple of days.
I’ve just been so tired, I couldn’t put words together.
I think it’s the full moon and eclipse and the rest of the
stuff astrologically this month. It’s been draining!

I’ve had some thoughts that I’m trying to keep at the
forefront of my mind while I try to put them into words.

One of them being on how people telling you to be yourself.
You do you thing. And then, when you do and be yourself,
they get all pissy.

Another topic is on my mother.
I had a thought as to why she may have been so
smothering and overprotective.  Not that it excuses any of the
shit she did.  But it might explain that one aspect.

I peopled today!  A lot!
Thrift stores….
Got some cool finds, some that I passed up.
But I found a practically new book of poems by the late
Mary Oliver!  Only $1.49!!! SCORE!!!!!!!!!
Found a small washi tape container.
A couple of Mother Mary busts, and a cool dragon one.
I’m wore out!!

Tomorrow is vet day for Stickers.
Really hoping they won’t have to take is eye. 😦

FOUR MORE DAYS TO GARTH BROOKS!
yes I’m yelling!!  I’m so excited!!!!

 

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