End Of An Era….Perhaps

Today is my birthday eve.
It is the last day of being 49.
It is the last day of my 40’s.
It is also the New Moon in Scorpio.  My sign!

As a kid, like most I’m sure, I thought being 50 was “old”.
I don’t remember what I thought life would be like when I
turned 50.  But here I am, and I am pretty sure it is nothing
what I thought it might be.
As a kid, I probably thought…oh hell, I don’t know what I thought.
I just know it was THIS *waves hands around dramatically*.

The week was hectic.
Friday was a day filled with feeling like things were about to
unravel at the seams. I was snappy and irritated AF!  By the
end of the afternoon I was more or less out of patience.  It was
all I could do to remember to breathe.

Today, I’ve been just spending quietly thinking.
Catching up on the shows I watch.
Writing thoughts in my journal.
I took a shower to wash away “stuff and things”.
Then I felt called to anoint myself with some oil that was
gifted to me a couple of years ago.

I had planned to spend this past year with my Muse.
Time and again we missed each other.
I had planned to do 50 paintings by my 50th birthday.
I barely made it out of the gate.

Part of my problem is the lies I tell myself.
That my art isn’t good enough. That I’m being selfish by hiding
away in my art corner.  That I have no business taking time
to be creative.  Part of the problem is that I let people make me
feel these things as well.  All it takes is some off handed comment
to make me spiral with guilt and abandon my easel or art table.
Another part of the problem is the lies I had been told throughout
my life.
It stops HERE!! *stomping my foot in defiance*.  Or at least that
is my intention.

Tomorrow, I turn 50.
I feel like it is a new chapter.
I am entering a new decade, after all.
Something feels like it is shifting.

All my life, I believed the lies I was told about who I am.
I did what was expected of me.
Followed the protocol of the norm.
But it all felt like a lie, like a life I didn’t belong in. It didn’t fit.

Now, it’s time to turn the page.
Time to write a new chapter.
Time to change the narrative.
Time to live a life I love.

I will no longer try to fit in someone else’s box that they think
I belong in.  I will no longer feel guilty for saving myself, my
sanity, and my soul.  I refuse to feel guilty for wanting a sacred
and creative life.  If you don’t want to hear my truth, don’t ask me
things you won’t like the answers to. I’m tired of burying myself
and my voice for the comfort of others.

I don’t know what 50 is supposed to look like or feel like.
I know it will be filled with me trying to live my life and hopefully
lots of art.  I’ve got classes to catch up on and I’ve got BOD2020 to
look forward to.  I hope too, that it will be filled with writing and
photography.  That “Vodka and Rosaries” will become an active
site with poetry and musings and photos.

I can’t put into words what I am feeling right now.
With the New Moon today, my birthday tomorrow, Samhain…things
feel charged and a little exciting. Exciting? Is that the right word? I
can’t quite put my finger on how it feels. If this is what 50 feels like,
I’ll take it.

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