Another Year Over

Almost anyway.
In my time zone, the new year will be in under 11 hours or so.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks.
More so the last few days, as one does when sick and in a hazed
stupor of cold meds and low grade fever.

I’ve been thinking about what direction I want the blog to take.
Do I continue this one?  I can’t change the domain of it, only the blog title.
Or do I start from scratch?  Choose the domain a bit more wisely than I did
when I started this one.
I was so green still about blogging.  I had wanted it to be “The Forgotten Muse”, but
that didn’t happen because I typed the wrong thing in the wrong space.  I still want that,
because that’s who I am so to speak.  But I’ve had another idea I’ve been mulling over.
Along with the whole “Vodka and Rosaries” thing.  I just haven’t figured out pulling it all
together yet.
Part of me wants to start fresh, with a new blog space.
Part of me wants to just revamp here.
It’s a minor thing, but major at the same time.  IF that makes sense.

I know a lot of my fellow bloggers and online friends are asking the same question,
Do people even read blogs anymore?  Is it worth keeping up a space?
I don’t know. Personally, I still read them.
Blogging has been a way for me to vent over the last decade and has connected me with
some pretty amazing people.
So me, I’ll keep on blogging because I enjoy it.  I enjoy the writing.

I got some wonder new art toys for Christmas.
Gesso, a jar of Liquitex Stucco which should be fun to try.
A set of Arteza metallic acrylics.  An acrylic gouache, that is completely new to me.
Two new brushes.

I was also supposed to get Black Lava by Liquitex.
But some asshole stole out of the mailbox.
Neither the seller, nor Amazon will do anything because it shows as delivered.
They said to go file a police report.  Fat lot that will do.
I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be able to play with it, but excited for the new stuff I do have.
Now…if I can just stop hacking and coughing long enough to play with it all.

Finally, I come to my word for 2020.
I pretty much decided around my birthday, I’d say, that I was going to keep SACRED for another year.  I felt like I really didn’t dive into like I had wanted to.
But I am also choosing ALIGN(MENT), as a second word.
Should be interesting I think.

Here’s to a happy, healthy, prosperous, creative New Year!!

December Reflections

I know, it’s only the 6th. Isn’t it a bit soon to be reflecting?
I dunno. Maybe. But here I am. Doing it anyway.  I’m a rebel like that lol.

I suppose when it gets to this time of year, I can’t help but look back at all the places where I “missed the mark” or “stuck the landing”.  I had a few sticks here and there, I’m sure.  But probably way more misses than I would have liked. Well, the misses are the ones that always stand out, don’t they?

Once again this year, I missed the mark on a consistent writing practice.  Again and again, I found excuses to not write.
I also missed the mark…..VERY BIG miss….on coming to the art table and making art.
It was the same with photography.
And Vodka and Rosaries.
And using up my yarn stash for crocheting things and finishing projects started long ago.
And doing the pillow projects for the littles.  I still have the material pinned for my oldest niece that I was supposed to make her 8 years ago!  She’s 16 now, she might not want it

I failed at my 50 x 50 project.
I barely got it started and before I knew it, I was behind. And then, the next thing I knew I would not make it.  So I was thinking, how can I remedy that? What can I do to make up for not doing something I had my heart set on doing?   My idea is, what if I do a 50 in 50 instead.  50 paintings for my 50th year.  All to be completed by my 51st birthday next October.  Plenty of time.  Right?  Well, I thought the same when I had 88 days to do 50 paintings.  We see how that panned out.

So how exactly do I keep missing the mark?
Well, it’s quite simple an answer actually.
I let guilt win.  And fear.  And doubt.  But I think it is mostly guilt.

You see, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I want to take time to create. Be it painting, writing, crocheting, photography, blogging.  You get the idea.  I feel so overwhelmingly guilty for wanting to do what I love, what makes me happy.  I feel guilty that I am not doing “other things”.    And then.  AND THEN!  I feel guilty because I didn’t do the thing that makes me happy.

Add in a good mix of fear of creating and a heaping dose of doubt that it will be any good.  And viola! Nothing happens.  No magic.  No painted prayers.  No written words. No capturing the moments.  No things made with love and good intentions.  Instead, I sit and wallow in the “what I should be doing that I’m not doing because I feel guilty for doing it and so I do nothing.”  It’s quite the vicious cycle.  I know some of you can relate because you have been there or you are there or perhaps you are teetering on falling into that trap.  I have found no easy solution to pull myself out  of the cycle yet.

I think another aspect of it is boundaries.  When I am in that sacred space of creating.  Especially when it comes to writing (even if it’s just a blog post) or painting (art journalling included).  I do not like to be disturbed.  Well maybe that is the wrong word. But I like to be left alone, to my own devices, uninterrupted.  I like to be in a bubble of sorts.  If I am lucky enough to find that zone, that groove, I hate (is that too strong a word?)  to be interrupted or for my bubble to be bursted.   Don’t come and say “whatcha doin’? whatcha makin’? can I see? how’s it going? maybe you should (fill in the blank)”.  If I want advice and/or suggestions, I’ll ask.  If I want it to be seen, I will show you.

I guess I am very………..protective? insecure? about what I’m doing.  I dunno, what’s the word or words?  This is why I wish I had a space that was just mine to escape to and do my thing in.  I wish I had a small studio space, be it right out in the backyard or a rented space somewhere.  But both require money that I don’t have.  To build or buy a shed to turn into a studio requires money and permits.  To rent a space, requires money.  Bottom line, I have no money.  I have no income.  I am broke AF!   So, for now, I make do with a corner of my bedroom.

I almost wish I could turn my corner in the “common room” where my computer is into an art corner instead.  Even maybe with cubicle walls, you can find those sometimes at thrift stores. But, the almost 4 year old little doesn’t understand personal space and boundaries.  She isn’t grasping the concept of “don’t touch my stuff” very well.   And so, I can’t realistically do that.

I guess what it comes down to, is I need to rethink my approach to things.  Set my boundaries and stick to them, and if someone gets upset that’s on them.

I feel like I have this conversation with myself every year or more often that I should.
But I can’t live a creative and sacred life if I don’t create and if I let guilt, fear, and doubt win all the time.  Now, to put my desires into practice.

Hello December!!!!

It’s snowing here in my neck of the woods.
I woke up to about an inch or so and it’s coming down again.
The magpies are having a good time out there.

We could maybe see up to 6 inches.  I don’t know we’ll get that much, we’ll see.
But it is coming down at a good clip right now.

 

Yesterday, went peacefully.
Food was delicious.
Even the kids were good for the most part.
Until the very end, but that was surely understandable.

I pushed really hard to finish my writing for November, on Friday.
I knew yesterday would be a busy one and that my time would be limited.
I knew by the end of the day I would be utterly exhausted.
And I was, and boy did I hurt!

But  Friday, I pushed the limits and I did it!
I ended up with a grand total of 50483 words for NaNo.
Neither story is even close to being complete and have barely just gotten
started.  But I did it!  I won!!!  My 3rd win and my 14th year of participating.

 

Today, I am going to give myself a breather.
A day to rest from the big day yesterday and enjoy leftovers.

I’m going to enjoy watching the snow and the magpies.

Until next time….
HAPPY DECEMBER!