And Then It Was December

Suddenly it’s the end of December.
We’re nearing the end of 2020,
The longest year EVER!

I had the best of intentions to write here more often.
But that just didn’t happen.

2020 has been hard.
I’ve also let it be my excuse to not be, not do.
To just exist.
I don’t really like this anymore. It was fun at first.
To not do or be anything, because then I didn’t feel like a fraud,
like an imposter, like I was pretending to be whatever.
But now, I feel like enough is enough.
I have to stop that nonsense.

I can’t be an artist if I don’t make art.
I can’t be a writer if I don’t write the words.
I can’t be a photographer if I don’t take the pictures.
So if I do these things and the imposter monster shows up,
so be it. We will just have to learn to live with each other
and do the dance.

I have an art space now.
A real, actual room. To fling paint and write words in.
I’m still trying to figure out the set up, even though I’ve had
things in there for a couple months or so. It doesn’t feel right yet.
I think I need to move the table and the desk to different spots.
As much I want it to work in front of the window, it just isn’t.

And there’s the creator’s guilt.
I don’t know what else to call it.
The guilt you feel when you want to or do take the time to go and create.
The “how dare you go make art? how dare take time to do what makes
you happy?” I’m sure you know the ones.

I kept thinking, 2021 is going to be different!
Once the new year hits, that’s it. I’m making art, gonna spend time as
often as I can in my art cave.
But then I came across a post/email/article? Honestly can’t remember which
or even who posted/shared it. The essence of it was this:
Why do you/I/We have to wait until XYZ date or moment? If you want to change
something, do more of or less of something, why on earth does one have to wait
until some magical date? Do it now! Today! Or at least tomorrow.

I am guilty however of still “waiting”. As I said, I have found 2020 really easy to
make some excuse or other for not doing something I want to do. I’m quite
easily falling into the other trap of: “but I don’t have XYZ supply. Or I really need
to go to the craft store and can’t so therefore………*fill in the blank*” And truthfully,
I’m tired of behaving this way too.

Do I want to change that mindset? Absolutely!
I will try hard to do so. To do better. To do the things that make me happy.

So here’s to giving it a go and trying my best!

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