Challenge Complete

Here we are, the last day of April. Last day of the blog along.
I have enjoyed it. Writing daily, reading others over morning coffee.
So many of us experiencing similar emotions, thoughts, feelings, experiences.

Doing this has brought up some things I had forgotten or pushed into the deep
corners of my brain. This isn’t a bad thing. It makes me remember and let’s me know
that I’m not crazy. That it wasn’t “all in my head”. Well I guess in a way it was, just
that it was buried.

Also speaking of challenges.
This happened!

I’m trying to come up with daily titles for going forward on the days I write here.
Like “Monday Musings” “Tuesday Thoughts” and so on. Not as easy as I thought.
And that would be only if I didn’t have a title for the post or if there were several
things I was rambling, I mean writing about.

My days all seem to run together anymore. I think more so in the last year. I didn’t understand
why I was seeing all these posts about Beltane. Then my cousin messaged me with blessings and
then it hit me.

I was on Hellkitten duty today. Thankfully she was good and didn’t have any tantrums. 2 year olds ya know.
She was fine until she woke from her nap. It was quite warm today, around the low 80s somewhere.
Well, she got overheated poor baby. And wasn’t feeling the greatest. Her momma got her home and got
her cooled down. She seems better now. We don’t have air condition, so hot days are not fun. We worked out a
system with fans and “swamp” coolers that seemed to do okay. Hopefully we can remember what we did
for this summer.

I’ve got some pictures that I took yesterday to share with you. But I’m not done compiling them. Hopefully,
I will have them ready tomorrow.

Thank you all for stopping by and reading my posts and for all of your comments.

Thursday’s Thoughts

So we went off on a camel hunt yesterday. Because isn’t that what one does when you find out you have a camel living about a mile from your house? We had a good idea where it was, but apparently missed it. But missing it turned out to be a good thing. When we turned around, we stopped by a tree that had a nest. Rescue Mom wanted to see if it was still there. And sure enough! There was a baby owl and its momma in the nest.

There I am, standing on the yellow line in the middle of a two lane country road. Hoping a tractor or some other piece of farm equipment doesn’t come rambling down the road. I wanted to get closer. And maybe could have. I just didn’t want to take the chance of scaring either of them. So I did the best I could while standing on said line.

On the way back, we took care to seek out the details we were given in a texted photo. At first we thought it was near a shed, but it turned out to be two live stock trailers. So we slowed down a bit and it was right where we should have turned. We were extremely delighted to see said camel standing there. With two humps! The fact that it was “hump day” wasn’t lost on me, mind you LOL.

I could not get any closer than the edge of the road. There were no trespassing signs up. And I’m a good girl and didn’t go where I wasn’t allowed. This also makes it not the greatest photo because I only have an 18-55 lens. All I needed was a lens with a little bit more reach. Soon, hopefully, I will find one.

I missed getting photos of the five ducks in the canal. But I did get one of the tabby cat that was lounging there on the other side. As well as one of 2 young quail crossing the road. On the last stretch to home, I asked her to slow the car so we could found the gnawed on tree. And we finally found it. Looks like we have a beaver around us too.

Without further ado, for your viewing pleasure. I hope you like them.

Two hump Camel.
Baby owl with Momma behind it.
Beaver been busy? Sure looks that way.
Two Young Quail
The Killdeer with 4 eggs under her. Photo taken at the Idaho State Penitentiary May 13, 2015

Wednesday’s Words

  • It’s a bright sunny day. Might make it up to 80 degrees. And here I had to go and sleep wrong I guess. Woke up with a crick in my neck and minor headache. I think I was trying to avoid the paw in my face as my tuxedo cat likes to sleep on my pillows just above my head, if not on my head. Lately he’s taken to curling his claws into my hair and tugging it in my sleep. So I’m always like “dude! I’m trying to sleep here!” All he does is stretch out and start purring.
    But you can’t get mad or stay mad at him. I mean look at that face! I can’t even believe he’s going to 10 this summer!!!
KC in Feb. 2014
  • Apparently we now have a camel living down the street! I haven’t seen it yet. Only just heard about it today.
    A camel!! Must get picture!! Yes, it is legal to own a camel as a pet in Idaho.
  • It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven’t even gotten dressed. I’ve thought about it. Just haven’t been motivated to follow through and do it. Sometimes I feel like well if I’m not going anywhere, then why do I even have to put “real clothes” on. Kind of like my take on why should I make the bed if I’m only going to mess it up again that night.
  • That moment when you go to put away your new art stash. And you’re all excited for your new Posca pen. Only to find out you already had that color. And you should have known you had that color because you just used it not but two or three days before buying the new pen. Also the earlier moment you had where you’re kicking yourself for not buying the pack for $16 at Walmart because the same pack is $30 at Michael’s. But you didn’t get it because you thought it was too much and wouldn’t use all the other colors. (Also you felt you didn’t deserve it. Which is one of the reasons you didn’t buy the canvas too. And And And…)
  • I’m having that moment where I have some funds. But am afraid to spend said funds because I’m afraid I’ll have to give it back. Even though it’s mine and I should have gotten it in the first place without having to ask for it. And I feel like I should ask for and get the other money that is mine that the person had no right to keep. But feel like it would be a battle I can’t win. I feel like I’d be pushing my luck and it feels a little miraculous that I was even given this. I feel like I should just take the win and leave it at that. But at the same time, I want what is rightfully mine. And I feel like I can’t win. *sigh*
  • Why is it that I can speak up and advocate for someone else and sometimes be brilliant at it, but when it comes to doing it for myself I shrink and become invisible? Why doesn’t someone speak up for and advocate for me in the same way? Why do I sometimes get told that it’s not worth the effort or the battle for me to fight for something for myself? Am I just not worth it? Is it a lost cause and I don’t see it? I just have to wonder sometimes why someone won’t fight for or advocate for me in the same way they do for someone else. And yet I will keep on doing it for others because it’s what I do.
  • Sometimes I wonder if I missed it. Was I maybe called to be an advocate for people. I don’t know if I could be a social worker. But now, I do think I could have been a patient advocate or victim’s advocate. It’s when I think about stuff like that, that makes me wish I had finished college. Or had even gone back. Even if I went back now and did it. I couldn’t travel to a place to work because I don’t drive.
  • Yes! I am going to be 52 years old and I do not drive. I didn’t learn when I was younger because living in the NYC area I didn’t need to. I could walk, take a bus or train or if need be a taxi to where ever I wanted or needed to go. When I lived in Florida, there was one area I lived where I could once again walk or take a bus places. I wasn’t as fortunate when I lived in Georgia, but I could at least walk to the convenience store. And found a “flat rate” cab service to use on occasion. I did learn though. I was almost 30 or so. I think I did well enough. I just needed to practice parking and pulling out of the spot.
    But my ex would criticize my driving. I wasn’t going fast enough, even though I was doing the speed limit. He’d say other drivers were going to get mad that I was going too slow even though no other cars were around. Then one day, driving home, he just kept complaining and criticizing and wouldn’t stop. So I pulled into the first parking lot I could. I was so mad I hit the gas instead of the brakes and almost drove into a small drainage canal. I said that’s it! I’m done!! Got out of the car and told him to drive. And I have not driven since that day.
    I have thought about it here on occasion to try. To maybe get my license. But then I see all the crazy drivers. And think NOPE! not happening. I just don’t think my nervous system and mental health can handle it.
  • Sometimes I wish I lived where I could walk everywhere I wanted. Sometimes I miss it. But then that would mean people. Lots of people. And I don’t do so well with lots of people anymore. Especially with all that’s happened in the last year.
  • I am thinking of starting a “Remembrance Book” with the subtitle of “the good the bad the ugly”. Just a place where I can write down memories as they come up. Some of the posts I’ve written this month have made me remember somethings that I either buried or forgot or only half remembered. Some good, some bad. But can I truly heal from the bad if I can’t remember it or all of it?
  • Another thing I am thinking of starting is something called a “Commonplace Notebook”. There are lots of YouTube videos about it. It’s basically a notebook or journal where you jot down things like quotes or lyrics that you want to remember, that have struck a cord or have meaning to you. Without realizing it, I have more or less done this on and off for years. I used to fill up notebooks with lyrics to my favorite songs. Especially those that had some meaning to me. I’d sit with headphones and stop and rewind and play the cassette tapes over and over until I had the whole song written out.
    There are so many quotes out there that really hit home. And I will often forgot how it goes or who said it. So now I have little slips of paper tucked all over the place. I was thinking of it too as a kind of remembrance book, just a different kind. Though if you Google “commonplace notebook” you will find that they have a history and go back quite a ways.
    And you can decorate your pages with doodles or stickers or what ever you like. Some videos I watched they really got into it. I guess in some ways, it’s almost no different than say bullet journaling. Some people use theirs almost like a diary of sorts.
  • So one more project to add to my list of things or several depending on how you look it. Or, just say nah and keep doing what I’ve been doing and have random papers everywhere? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just one more idea I come up with, think about (obsess about), but then never follow through with only to be forgotten. I’m good at that lol.
  • I am supposed to be sorting through my fat quarters so I can remember which ones are for which child. I had decided that I would make each of Rescue Mom’s grand babes a pillow of their own. There’s been three born in the last five years and none have gotten done. But I’ve been buying the fat quarters for them. I need to get busy on that. I was thinking too of putting some lavender in them, but I have to grow some first. Which means I need to plant some. These seeds aren’t going to grow in the package.
  • And just like that I’ve added to my ever growing list of projects! I guess I better get to getting busy!

Tuesday’s Thoughts

  • I posted a photo to the 52 Frames challenge for I think the first time this year. I jumped into sometime last year. Did the occasional posting. But definitely not 52. One photo per week is uploaded to the website. There is a weekly theme, as well as an extra credit element. You can request no critique, regular, or lemme have it with double barrels. Challenges begin on Monday and then you have the week to complete it by uploading your one picture before midnight Sunday. This week’s theme is Fabric, I think. I will need to double check and then see the tips and ideas for it.
  • I also reduced my word count goal by 5,000 because it’s camp and I can. I still need a bit over 2000 to even reach the new goal. I need to remember that the point of me doing this at all is just to get back into the habit of writing. One of the things I need to maybe do too, is pull out all my novel stuff again. Sort through, make notes, re-evaluate it to see where I’m at, maybe connect the dots with my other writings. I should probably do that with all of my scraps of half written ideas.
  • Spent a bit of time earlier making a list of what seeds we have on hand and what do we want/need still. We picked up 10 early girl plants and 4 Cherry 100 plants yesterday. Our one surviving asparagus stalk is going to seed, which is what we wanted it to do. 1 out of 6 made it. I have a packet of seeds still, but we’re also considering picking up another started plant. Once they take root and survive, they can last decades. I’ve read some will last and produce a good 30 years! Did a little bit of brainstorming as to which things will be planted where. I think we’ve pretty much got things figured out. So all we need to do now is buy seeds or seedlings, and companions flowers/herbs. Also planning on a bed of wildflowers or scattering the seeds on the hill out front or both. That’s still being toyed with.
  • Spent part of my morning and lunch reading blogs, commenting. Reading all your posts have made see how I’m not alone in so many things. Some of us are going through the same or similar situations and experiences. Some of us have been through the same pains and hurts. I see you and I hear you, all of you.
  • Still waiting on the thing. I feel like I’m being so very vague. But as much as I want to write about it, I want to wait until it’s done and official.
  • When I popped into Michael’s yesterday, I was looking at the canvas because BOGO ya know. I asked one of the associate’s if that included the level one canvases as well. She double checked the sign and said it did. I told her how I was on the fence, that the bigger canvases scared me. That some of the teachers I admire paint on the 36×48 or 30×36. And that was so afraid and intimidated by those sizes. She stood there right in the middle of the aisle and started clapping and cheering me on. Telling me I could do it. That I knew what to do and to over come my fear of the big canvas. I never had any one do that before. It felt good to be honest. I mean she didn’t know me from the next person. So I will either go back before the sale is over or wait for the next one to pick them up.
  • And now my Tuesday really feels like Monday. It’s at least sunny today. Rains have passed through and gone. But it’s muddy and there are dog paw prints every time they come back in the house. It can’t be helped. That’s just part of rural life.
  • I hear a Killdeer singing outside. It’s out in the field somewhere I think. I wish I could see it and get some pictures of it. They aren’t the brightest birds. They will lay their eggs ANYWHERE! Including but not limited to the middle of the road. If they happen to lay in a safer place and you approach their eggs, they will run out a flop over feigning injury to lure you away from their potential offspring.
  • If you would have told me when I was younger that I’d be living in the country, surround by farms and so much nature, I would have said you were crazy. Not this city girl, despite how much I wanted to be like Laura Ingalls. I was as green as they come and didn’t think I could live outside the city. Let alone ever grow my own garden for food or tend chickens and collect eggs. Yet here I am.

Monday Musings

I had to people today. Errands to run. And I need shoes. I didn’t realize how worn mine are until I tried on a new pair.
But ever the bargain hunter that I am, I held off buying the ones I liked until I checked out another place. I’m really looking for some lightweight hiking boots for walking trails or just the dirt roads around us. The ones I was interested in were not even at the store. And nothing on the website said online only. *SIGH*

Had chance to pop into Michael’s for the first time in over a year. Lots of empty shelves. Lots of clearance that was already gone. Upside, they had Ecoline markers on sale and their version of Tombows on sale. Only grabbed one Ecoline because they didn’t have a lot left to pick from. I was tempted to go big on some canvas as it was buy one, get one free. But couldn’t recall what my largest one at home was, so I held off. They had their brand of gloss gel medium on clearance, so I snagged the last tube.

Finally picked out and bought the paint to redo the living and dining rooms. And can for the bathroom, since I finally picked a color. Until I got to the store. Then the color I had picked was from a different store, Home Depot had nothing even close to that and I didn’t want to color match. So I checked out swatches and ended up picking a color very different. It’s blue and it’s called Magic Wand. How could I not pick it!?! Hope it turns out well. Grabbed us some tomato plants too. Still need to make up my seed list of needs/wants.

Came home and made a pot pie for dinner. Mainly because it was quick and easy. Now all I want to do is take a shower and flop in bed.

No full moon viewing for me tonight. Still covered by rain clouds. From my desk I can look West and watch the sky change colors as the sun sets even though we didn’t have sunshine today. There looks to be a rather dark and ominous cloud hanging over us. I hate it when I miss seeing the full moon, especially the super moons. But goodness knows I can sure feel. Maybe that’s where all my anxiety has been coming from. Just the build up of energy from this full moon and it being in my sign of Scorpio. Makes sense, right?

Full Moon Blessings! β€πŸŒ›πŸŒ•πŸŒœβ€

A Glimpse Of My Cave

I wasn’t sure I was going to post today.

It’s still very much cloudy and chilly, with sprinkles on and off. The sun reflecting off
the storm clouds was hitting our back door just right and triggered an aura migraine.
Thankful it started without pain, and was able to take some OTC pain reliever to hopefully
nip it in the bud. I think I did, fingers crossed.

I tried to take a couple of photos of my art room. I didn’t realize how unsteady my hands
were until I transferred them to my computer. It’s a bit of a mess as I’ve been looking for
some of my supplies that I can’t remember where I put them. I will try to get some better
photos in the near future.

Anyway, here is my cave πŸ˜€

Painting table and my easel. Comfy chair to veg in and my baby boy in the window.
Another view of my mesk lol
Other corner of that wall.

I think I need to rearrange or reorganize things. Maybe make a “map” of where certain supplies are. I so easily forget where I’ve put something unless I leave it out under my nose.

Stickers, the studio cat before he became the studio cat. He’s only got one eye now.

I share my art cave with this handsome boy. The first time he showed up he was covered in foxtails and thus he was named Stickers. He was a stray that one of our other cats brought home for dinner. He disappeared for about a year. When he turned back up, he had a foxtail in his eye. But by the time he came back to us, it was in there pretty good and as a result he lost the use of his eye. We had to keep him indoors and give him meds. He was skinny. Our other cats didn’t take to him nor he to them. So we play musical rooms to keep them separated and everyone happy. He sleeps in the art cave at night. And he’s gained weight! He is a solid and muscled boy. And is just the sweetest, when he’s not being ornery. I read somewhere that his coloring makes him a Marmalade cat. All I know know is he’s adorable, even with his one eye.

When I get better pictures and perhaps some intentional organizing I can give you a proper tour of the cave.


Another Saturday Summary

How is it Saturday already? I mean, seriously! Didn’t we just have one? I hate it when the days race by and blend together so I don’t know one from the next.

Y’all are gonna make a girl cry, I tell ya!! All of you reading and commenting, witnessing and seeing me. Validating me and my words. Hold space for me to feel the things. Thank you Thank You THANK YOU!

So we had a nocturnal visitor yesterday morning. I wasn’t yet up to see it. Rescue mom was letting the dogs out and she saw something in the “cat house” outside the door. It was a Raccoon!!! She managed to get a picture of it. Cute little bugger. Guess it’s the one that has been eating the fruit I’ve left for the birds lately. Maybe? Not sure if it lives around here or if it was just passing through. She did wait until it left to let the dogs out, both for the safety of the raccoon and the dogs.

I’m just loving all the birds we’ve got around us. It’s the loveliest sound to wake up to in the morning. We have a rather good sized Round of Robins. A decent sized Scourge of Starlings. At least a dozen or more Eurasian Mourning Doves, they have a ringed collar around their necks. One lone mourning dove, no collar. There is about 8 or so pigeons that live in the barn. There’s a couple of the Starlings that are trying to build a nest in the fifth wheel’s hitch. We’ve got more Magpies than I can count! More little birds than you can shake a stick at, Juncos, Sparrows, and probably some titmice. And hawks!!

Just one of many. Taken Feb. 12, 2021

This morning I woke up to the sounds of bird chatter outside my bedroom window and the tap tapping of one of the local woodpeckers. I had to fill up our bird feeders and the red wings were “yelling” at me. I don’t know if it was “thank you” or “hurry up” or both LOL.

It’s a breezy day and chilly at that. And it’s rainy too. The rain wasn’t supposed to be here until between 3 and 4 this afternoon, but here it is a few hours earlier. It’s welcomed though, even if it is putting a damper on working outside.

Here comes the rain.
These two photos were taken with an old cell phone. Minor edits made in Snapseed. I love the frame on this one.

How can I not want to photograph this? The trees and old barn against the cloudy sky and freshly plowed field. Or the dead trees against the same sky backdrop? It makes me just want to go out and take all the photos! Another reason I need a new SD card for my camera, it’s almost full I think. Using the old cell phone though, makes it easy to tuck in my pocket should the sky let loose on me. It’s not perfect, but the Snapseed app certainly helps me bring out the details when I take pictures on a mobile device.

I need to find a program and learn how to watermark my photos.

Still waiting on the thing. Waiting is hard. Especially on this. I’ve waited so long for it. And being this close…and still having to wait is difficult. Patience is definitely not my virtue!!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend. Thank you for reading!

What’s In A Name?

I spent the better part of the day trying to think of what to write about. I was going to
try to keep it on the lighter side today. Hopefully this isn’t or doesn’t turn into a heavy post.

Just a bit ago, I was reading another blog post about their daughter and her birth name.
And I thought, you know I never felt like mine fit me. I couldn’t have a cute nickname from it.
There is no real way to shorten it.

My dad wanted to name me after his late sister, Diane. But my mom was having none of that.
She was a big, HUGE Elvis fan. She decided she was naming me after his daughter, Lisa Marie.
But a few days or so before I was born, her friend had her baby and named her that. My mom
wasn’t happy about that but she couldn’t name me that now, so she changed the middle name.
I hated my middle name, still not a fan.

In first grade, I had a friend named Mary Anne. And I wanted to add the “E” to my middle name.
That of course pissed off my mother. I was told in no uncertain terms “NO!” Then when I was about
12 or so, being obsessed with “Little House” I decided I want to be Elizabeth. My logic was that
Lisa came from Elizabeth and it was Laura’s middle name. Then I could have a cool nickname too.
There was Lizzy, or Beth, or Libby, or Betsy. You can guess what happened when I brought it up.

I didn’t like being called “Lees” which they pronounced “lease”. In high school, a few friends took
to calling me “Lee” which I didn’t mind so much. But I still wasn’t feeling it.

As I got older, I wanted to escape my surname. Everyone that knew my father and my uncle, knew they
were alcoholics. Everyone that knew my mother, automatically assumed I was just like her. My
mother was one to burn bridges and take advantage at every opportunity. So when I got married, I
jumped at the chance to change my last name at least.

I felt like I could be a new person. At first it was fun to have a new name. But then something changed.
It felt different. I no longer felt like me. And I couldn’t assimilate into what he/they wanted me to be.
At some point, he (my ex) suggested that maybe I should change it back or maybe hyphenate my last name.
But that was as far as we got. Just some discussions.

But ever since that suggestion, I’ve thought about it on and off over the years. First though, I needed to try to
feel a connection with my maiden name. The first things I came to realize is that my parents and my uncle
are all gone. Then, I am NOT my mother, despite what people that knew her might think. Next, I am so far away
from where I grew up, that no one here knows her or them. Out here, I’m just ME.

I don’t know that I am completely at peace with my name at birth. But it feels like it is what it should be, my
last name at leas. As for the name my mother gave me, I still don’t feel like it fits.
The thing is, I don’t know what does. I don’t feel like Diane is my name either.

Maybe someday I will have a light bulb moment and I will find my name.

Stuck In A Box

Is it time for some unpacking? More than likely it’s way overdue!

I was looking for something earlier and I came across a couple of journals I was writing in. One was from 2011, that only had a few pages written. The other was from 2015 and had entries up to 2017. As much as I love to keep a written journal, it falls by the wayside often. Partly because I don’t make the time and partly because I’m afraid others my read it. Sometimes, when I am angry, I don’t give a flipping F*ck. But most times, I do and so I don’t get the muck out of my head.

What I noticed though in all of my entries is a common theme or thread. You will probably notice it too if you read through some of my posts on either of my blogs.

The common themes are: feeling invisible, unheard, unimportant. Unworthy. That I don’t matter. Silenced. Voiceless. An inconvenience. That I’m not worth being seen or heard. Outsider. Outcast. Black sheep. Weirdo. Witch. Hippie, nerd, one of those all natural people. Unwanted, unlovable, never good enough. Lost. Stuck. Did I mention crazy? I’ve been told that I am more times than I can count.

Another common thread was the feeling the need to let go of things that no longer serve me. I thought I had done that, over and over again. Yet it keeps coming up over and over again.
That the muse has gone silent, abandoned me. That my inspiration is lost.

It’s like there is a repeating pattern of Release, Let Go, Authenticity, Rebuild, Destiny, Life Path. I keep asking the same questions over and over, but not getting any answers. What’s my path? What’s my purpose? What does my authentic self look like? What does my truth and my authentic voice sound like?

Ever since I was a child, I was made to feel, no more like told “that I should be seen and not heard”. To be silent. I wasn’t a loud child, so I didn’t understand this. When I tried to be seen, I was diminished. I was told I was an accident. I was even told that I shouldn’t have ever been born. I was made to feel like I was an inconvenience and if my presence meant they couldn’t have a life then I couldn’t have one either. No birthday parties with friends, no sleep overs, no play dates. When I was little, my cousin would dig her nails into my skin or bite me, even hit me. She’s younger than me. I was not allowed to defend myself. I was told I had to tell a grown up, but the grown ups didn’t do much to stop the aggression. I was told I’m older and should know better. WTF did that have to do with things? Did it mean I should know better than to defend myself? Eventually she grew out of the behavior and it stopped, but it still sticks in my memories.

I’ve been in my share of abusive relationships. One went so far as to say the “if I can’t have you, no one will” line. He had assorted means to try to get me to stay. It wasn’t until he went to jail that I finally felt I could breathe a little and not have to always look over my shoulder.

My not yet ex’s family never accepted me as part of the family. I was always referred to as “just the wife” The nieces and nephews never called me “aunt”, they didn’t even have their children call me “aunt”. I was “just the wife”. Once my girls tried to correct their cousins and say they were supposed to call me aunt, but the cousins said they didn’t have to because I wasn’t. Even when my girls explained that I was married to their uncle, they still didn’t feel that made me their aunt by marriage. His sister was great at making me feel like an outsider. She was the biggest promoter of the “just the wife” comments.

He would tell me how in other cultures the man always walked on the outside or curbside, and the woman on the inside. And how in some the woman was expected to walk a couple of paces behind. Because she was considered less than or property. I was always less than. Never good enough. No matter how hard I tried, bent over backwards, or jumped through the proverbial hoops. No matter what I did, it was never enough.

Looking at my journal from five years ago. There was a debate as to who say the new born family member more. I told them I had them all beat because baby and momma were staying with us during momma’s recovery. I was promptly told that “didn’t count because I wasn’t anything.” A week prior, momma and rescue mom were going to town and it was asked if I was going too. The response from momma was “no because this is a mother/daughter outing and she’s not allowed.” Do you have any idea how much that hurt on both counts? And every time it’s all “oh it’s a joke.”

I’m always feeling like I have to work my ass of to fit in. To be a part of things. And that I have to diminish myself, make myself small, not be “too much”, not be “too loud.” I still find myself talking loud. I used to brush it off as a New York thing. But I have always done this, it’s the only way I can remotely feel like I am heard. Even still, I will get cut off by people mid sentence or ignored completely like I never opened my mouth. How can I be seen and heard, if I’m invisible? If no one even WANTS to see or hear me.

I don’t even know what my truth is. I don’t know who my authentic self is. I don’t know what my voice sounds like. But fuck it shouldn’t be this hard. Should it?

How do I let this shit go? How do I step into my authentic self? How do I lean into my intuition? Into my Muse? How do I unpack the box I’ve been stuffed into and tossed into the darkest attic corner to be forgotten? Because that’s what if feels like sometimes. I don’t want to just break out of the box, I want to burn so I can’t ever be put back in it.

So many questions. Too few answers. Maybe tomorrow I can write a lighter post. One with less muck.

This song is on repeat today. There’s a photo-sensitivity warning on the video, so watch with caution. I love Evanescence. Really loving the new music.

Frustrated

  • I am frustrated! I was reading an article on photography today. It was addressing “clichΓ©” types of photography and the author of it said we should ditch them and not do them. On his list, flower photography and animal photography. There were several others, but these two really jumped out at me. Why? Well, because I enjoy taking pictures of flowers, blossoms, budding tree leaves, pine needles and cones, bees harvesting pollen on flowers and blossoms. And yes I like take photos of our animals, when they will let me and cooperate. I also like taking pictures of the neighbors cows. When we had our ducks and chickens, they were my subjects too. And of course, I like taking pictures of the quail and red wings and even the magpies. Hawks when they are close enough.
    I know, I shouldn’t let it bug me. And shouldn’t feel discouraged by what I read, but I do. I felt like it was telling people to not do what they love and what makes them happy. I mean I will do it anyway. I’m purely an amateur. I don’t know if my photos will ever be good enough to sell or enter competitions with. Funny thing too is, the photography groups I am in are full of flower and animal photography. I don’t know exactly when the article was written, I didn’t see a date but there were comments dated back to 2011. Yet I got in a newsletter from the author yesterday.
  • It’s like when I asked about lenses for my Canon. And explained that I have a very limited budget and that I’m just a hobbyist. And all the elitists came out. Saying how the lenses I mentioned are pure shit and that those lenses are a waste of money. That if I can’t get what I want, I should save up and get the more expensive stuff even if I’m just a hobbyist. I don’t need a $2000 or $5000 lens. Honestly I don’t need a $600 one either. I just want something with a little more reach with image stabilizing.
  • I guess it’s no different than some of the stories you hear about artists criticizing others for using a lesser grade of paint or what have you. I’ve seen some videos of people creating beautiful work with 50 cent bottles of craft paint. I find it fascinating that they can do that. And someone will criticize them for using cheap paint.
  • Or the writer who wants to write about elves and dragons, witches and wizards and then being told it’s all be done to death and that they need to find a new subject. I myself, was told by someone that I shouldn’t write a fantasy novel that I should instead be writing about a mob boss and family and some sort of crime with the setting in Brooklyn. I told them that wasn’t my thing and I wasn’t interested in that as a writer. If they wanted that then they should do it themselves.
  • I’m frustrated because I’m always told to make a decision about whatever. And then when my decision isn’t what they wanted to hear, they get mad at me. Why? Why do I have eat or drink something I don’t want or wear something I’m not comfortable in?
  • I’m frustrated at watching someone get taken advantage of. When their boundaries aren’t respected. When they try to set some and other people push back because they don’t like it. When the person bends over backwards to accommodate others and gets no respect or thanks in return.
  • Frustrated with my tummy which has been wonky today. I think it’s a mix of a minor case of acid reflux which being aggravated by my sinus (thanks allergy season). And then upped a notch by motion sickness. I haven’t been doing well riding in the back seat again. The last couple of times that I had to, I ended up feeling queasy. I’m sipping some “Count Me In” (picked up a local dessert shop, it’s Sprite mixed with blueberry and pomegranate syrups. Like fancy limeade without lime :D) I don’t know if it’s making it better or worse. I probably didn’t help matters by having leftover spaghetti for lunch even though it sounded good. I think the next couple of days I’ll be watching what I eat, try to avoid spicy and/or acidic foods.
  • I’m frustrated that the thing I’m waiting for still hasn’t resolved. Still waiting. I know if I waited this long, what’s a little while longer. But it’s everything and nothing at the same time. It will happen when it happens, but at the same time I feel like everything is on hold, on pause, like a record that skips.
  • I’m frustrated by a thing that I can’t talk about. Yet. I think. I don’t know. I don’t know all the details. And that’s part of the problem. I feel like there is a lot of telling what’s going to happen and no asking.


    Maybe I’m just being too sensitive. Maybe I’m letting things get to me too much. Maybe I just need to hide away in my art room. Maybe I’m just being too much of everything.

    On the upside, I did spend a bit of time in my art room. Didn’t get a whole lot done, but that’s okay. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow.

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