And Again, And Again, and yet….AGAIN! I constantly feel like I have to start over, nothing feels right, or the inner critic tells me it’s all wrong. So I feel like I have to start over, because even if things are right they feel or are perceived to be wrong. Much of it stems from years and years of being told I wasn’t worthy and that nothing that I did was right. Even when it was right, I was told it was wrong. Wrong because it didn’t fall into what they wanted me to be or do.
So here I am, trying to start blogging (consistently, at least) again. Much of the time that there are long pauses in between my posts is because I hear those voices in my head telling me: “Your words don’t matter.” “No one will believe you.” “No one wants to hear what you have to say.” “Your writing isn’t even good enough.” “What happened to you isn’t so bad. Stop being so dramatic.” And on and on it goes.
I began this year with the greatest of intentions. My word, INTENTION(AL). And here it is April 1st and I’ve gotten next to nothing that I thought to do accomplished. Oh the plans I had thought of, the things I wanted to accomplish this year. Now where starting the fourth month of the year and I have barely even started. The inner critic isn’t helping. You know all those things I just mentioned, critic says that about everything I want to do or try to do.
Today, today feels full of anxiety. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I am waiting for something to implode or explode. Waiting for something to fall apart. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe my anxiety is just in over drive today. I can’t say it’s the full moon, because that’s passed.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve gotten inconsistent with my thyroid meds. I’m supposed to take them first thing in the morning, I can’t eat or drink anything but water for at least an hour after I take it. In the last month or so, I’ve missed taking one about eleven times now. I know this number because my refill on my other medication is needing renewed and I always get them together. I’ve got four days left on it. So I’ve been messing up major on my thyroid meds. I struggle lately to wake up to take it, then dose back off before I do, when I wake up again I don’t know if I took it or not so I don’t take it. At some point I might figure out that I didn’t actually take it and by then it’s too late to take it. I think I need to get one of those weekly pill box things to put that one in.
I feel like I am beginning to ramble here. When I first thought of what I’d write about today, this is not where I was going with it. I thought I would write about beginnings or new beginnings or starting over. But I can’t seem to stay focused. I keep losing my train of thought.
This month is also Camp NaNoWriMo. I’ve been doing the yearly writing event every November since 2005. I think I’ve joined every camp session since they were introduced. I’ve only won NaNoWriMo itself about three times, I think. My first year, I really didn’t know what to expect or how it really worked. I was writing my novel by hand. The next year, I had a shiny new laptop that I had gotten for Christmas in 2005. I was still writing by hand, then I’d type up what I had written, editing and adding as I went. It was a solid plan until it wasn’t. My grandma got sick, spent a week in the hospital, came home and died a week later on Thanksgiving day. Needless to say my writing went to shit. And I’ve pretty much struggled to get back on track with it ever since.
Some Novembers I write more than others. And as I said, I’ve only won about three of them (50,000 words in 30 days). I’m so inconsistent with my writing any more. I have so many unfinished tales. I’ve even tried taking all my partial stories and somehow weaving them all together since they are all in a similar story line idea. Camp is a little more flexible in the goals. You can chose your goal to be words, pages, and I think editing. In an effort to just get writing, I chose my theme to be “Thirty Days of Words”. My goal, lofty as it might be, is to write 25,000 words this month. So when Effy announced the April Blog Along, I thought it was perfect timing. Perfect to dust off the blog, perfect to get words down, maybe to work on a bit of story. But simply just to write.
So far warning, these posts will no doubt get a bit ramble. Perhaps even venting at times. I have debated if I wanted to write about my year of living through a pandemic. I still don’t know, but I probably will. I will probably write some about my health journey. And a smattering of things along the way. There might be photos as a get around to playing with my camera. I guess we will just have to see where this goes.
The Forgotten Muse 