Is It Friday?

It is, right? I have lost track of the days. All day I thought YESTERDAY was Friday!
Every time I just about had it sorted in my little head, whoosh there it went out of my
mind and I thought it was Friday again. Now it actually is Friday and it doesn’t even
feel like it. Though, I don’t know what it feels like.

Yesterday, though, was actually 2 weeks since I got the jab!! That makes me officially
vaccinated! WOOHOO! I will say I didn’t (THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY!!) get any
side effects. No feeling sick, no severe aches and pains, no flu-like symptoms. I was a little
bit more tired the day after than normal, but it could have also been because I was so
wound up the day of my shot. Getting the name change stuff going and then trying to find
a location with the shot I wanted to get. I was sort sleepy but not take a nap sleepy. Other
than that, the only other thing I experienced was an odd sensation in the area where the shot
was given. It wasn’t exactly a numb feeling but it was. It felt dull and slightly numb on the
inside, but if I touched the area I did have feeling. So maybe that was my “side effect” lol.

Monday we had a Dust Storm. Holy Shit was that scary!! We had wind gusts some where between
54 and 62 MPH. We had prepared for the wind earlier in the day but tucking things and
putting flyable things away. It’s a scary thing to watch a wall of dust come at you!!!
It was like that scene from The Mummy when he raises the sandstorm. The wind
was howling, I swear the house was shaking. I know I was visibly shaking.
You could feel the electricity in the air with the accompanying thunder storm.
We lost power in the midst of it. And didn’t get it back until
4:30 in the morning. There was such wide spread outage, that we couldn’t even even report it
or get an update because their lines were overloaded with calls. Over all, I think we faired better
than most. We only had a few small branches come down. Not too far from our house a big tree
came down.

I took the plunge last week and took advantage of Michael’s sale. I haven’t spent that much in that
store in ages. But it was buy 1 get 2 free on all canvases, then buy 1 get 1 free on art journals and
pads. Plus I had a % off coupon. I got over $150 of supplies for $87!!! I got 3 big to me canvases.
And 2 of the Canson watercolor pads. A few Ecoline and Artist Loft markers, another color of ink.
3 tubes of level 3 Artist Loft paint. Can someone explain to me why Green-Gold is so dang expensive?!

This week I had more % off coupons and a $10 voucher, so I did what one does with free money. I
went to Michael’s and bought more stuff! I finally got a can of workable fixative. Grabbed more of the
Artist Loft markers as they were only $1. The ones I’ve been getting are their version of Tombows.

Both trips, I did the hem and haw over whether I should or shouldn’t. If I deserved to make such a
purchase. All the feelings of unworthiness and that I was throwing money away on frivolities came
bubbling up.

I haven’t had a chance to dive into any of it yet. I’ve been busy making table centerpieces and other
things for a wedding next week. I was on such a roll and then ran out of one of the flowers I was
using. I tried “make do” with what I had left. But its amazing how one flower can make or break an
arrangement. And then we ran out of another flower for the bouquets. Hence the trip to craft stores
yesterday.

Speaking of next week…Y’all pray for us!!! Starting this weekend, we are under severe heat warnings.
From the 26th to July 6th we will be having 100+ days. I mean they’re talking 110, 115, even 120 in
some places in the Pacific NorthWest. The last time Oregon saw something like this was 123 years ago!!
With us being very close to Ontario, Oregon, there is a good possibility we could see 115 at our
humble abode, which what their high for Wednesday is looking like right now. And Wednesday is the
wedding. And we have no air conditioning in our house. Only fans and “swamp” coolers. I am worried!!
For our dogs. And the cats. Our elderly neighbors. For Rescue Mom. For me. I don’t do well once the
temps start going above 95. 90 is pushing if for me, 95 and I can feel it wearing me down. Since Rescue
Mom and I are “supervising” the wedding, I guess you could call it…I’m worried for us. We have all the
decorations, the favors, the bridal party clothes. We are the ones setting up and probably breaking down
the event. (It’s her eldest daughter’s affair.) We don’t feel comfortable letting someone else break it
down, because we’re afraid they will just throw everything out. And we don’t want that to happen
because that would be throwing money away.
Anyway…if you could please send some good vibes for a smooth event and some cool temps that would
be just awesome.

And I have my admission form printed out for one fair. The other I enter online, but drop off my submission.
I haven’t totally decided………YET. I’m not even sure which pictures or maybe I’ll get some good ones in the next
couple of weeks. I was thinking if I decide to enter and I can’t narrow down my selections that I would post
them here and maybe you all could help me choose. I will keep you posted.

Thank you all for the encouraging comments. You had me in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💖

When Imposter Syndrome Strikes

It is happening. Again.
And I’m sure that it will happen again in the future.
Does it ever really stop?
How do you combat it?
How do you push passed the voices in your head that say you’re not good enough?
That say, Who do you think you are?

It’s that time of year when the summer county fairs are getting ready to start. There
are two locally that happen. Maybe more, but two are the ones I am familiar with.
These fairs have all sorts of competitions. 4-H and FFA for the kids.
For the grown-ups there’s quilting, gardening, baking, canning, and so on. There is
also one for art, with categories for painting, woodwork, etc. And then there is the
photography one. Which I have wanted to enter since the first time I went to the
fair and found out such a thing existed.

When I first got here, I just had a Kodak digital camera. It was my very first digital that cost me
around 100 dollars. It was my “upgrade” from my film camera.
It wasn’t great, but it was good for capturing family moments. Then,
a dear friend gifted me her Nikon Cool Pix. Had a little more oomph than the Kodak. I’ve
gotten some rather lovely (I think anyway) photos with it. I still use it from time to time,
especially when I’m just running down to the mailbox, I can tuck it in my pocket for those
just in case I see something moments.

Then a few years ago, I got a “big girl” camera for my birthday. This is probably when I seriously
started thinking that maybe I could enter one of these annual competitions. But I’ve seen the
photos that get entered, even at the armature level. I have to wonder if I can even compete.
This is when those voices rear their ugliness and say how inadequate I am. That I only have a kit
lens. Who do I think I am? How I’m not good enough. Skilled enough.
Instead of wondering if I could win, all I can hear in my head is how it would just be a complete
and utter failure.

Entering doesn’t cost anything at the armature level. Except maybe my pride. On the other hand
though, it might give self-doubt a good swift kick in the ass just for doing it! One of the other reasons
I didn’t enter in previous years was because I wanted to do it with my name, not my old name. Now,
I don’t have that excuse.

I think I always had an interest in photography. I can remember wanting to use my mom’s 110 camera
with the cube flash bulb that would turn every time it went off. One of the first things I bought when I had
a “real job” was a pink Fuji 35mm camera. It was one of those manual crank the film ones to wind it back into the
canister at the end of the roll. Some time later, I upgraded that to another 35 mm, that was automatic. No
more cranking for these fingers. Then I upgraded to a Kodak digital camera. Very basic.

The thing was, I was never encouraged by anyone to pursue my interests. No matter what it was. I don’t even
know if I knew it was allowed. To have interests, passions, hobbies. When I decided I wanted to try and
write a book, my ex bought me a laptop for Christmas as “encouragement”, but then it was that he wanted
me to write a book that he wanted about mobsters and crime. I told him I had no interest in such a book,
that I had my own idea that I wanted to pursue. He didn’t much like that at all. But he’d always sarcastically
ask me if it was done yet.

When it comes to making art, I don’t feel like “a real artist” because I don’t sell. I feel like I’m not that good at it.
I feel like I don’t have the right to call myself an artist because I don’t spend hours painting. Just like I feel like I
can’t call myself a writer, because I’m not published and I don’t spend hours and hours writing. And thinking about
doing either doesn’t count LOL. Then comes photography. And I think how can I even call myself a
photographer. Or any of the things for that matter. This syndrome just really sucks!!!

Do you know how hard it is for me to even pick up my camera and take it outside? I feel like I should hide it under
my shirt and smuggle it out the door so no one in the house sees me. Posting the pictures I have taken and sharing
them either on here, or facebook, or instagram….is so hard for me. I feel so exposed.

Sometimes I wonder if I should give it all up.
But then I wonder what if I try.

Moving Right Along

To recap, I got my papers back from social security.
A couple of days later, I got my letter from them stating they got my stuff and were
returning my papers to me. UM…guys…I think you goofed, but it’s okay. I got them, even
if the letter was supposed to be in with my papers. It’s whatever…! A few days later, on
Monday, I got my new social security card. Now I can get down to business.

Yesterday was run around day. Stop at DMV to update my State ID card, which I changed to
a STAR card. This buys me a bit of time with my passport card. Not that I’m crossing borders
any time soon, but still. Then it was off to deal with my insurance to update that stuff and ask
questions about my bill that isn’t being paid. Next was pick up my prescription which they
attempted to run my insurance on, but it is still asking for the other non existent insurance.
Well Bullocks!!

At least though, things are moving in the right direction to getting my name changed over.
It feels good. I actually got to use it proper for the first time yesterday. Besides changing it in
those two places.

I did the thing!!! I got Jabbed!! I did the one and done shot. Mostly because I don’t do
needles and the thought of having to do it twice was too much for me. And I got to use my
name. And the gal that stabbed me actually pronounced it correctly on the first try. It may have been
a slightly stupid reason, but I held off on getting it done a couple of weeks ago because I wanted
MY name on the card, not my old name. But that’s done, and the jab is done.

It’s been just over 24 hours now since getting stabbed and so far *knocks on wood*, things are okay.
My arm is not sore (thank the gods) because I tend to sleep on that side. Tummy is fine, so far.
I have some mild achy feeling between my shoulders, but I get that normally so I don’t know if it is
connected. Plus my other shoulder has been giving me grief for about 4 or 5 days now, so the achy
feeling could be part of that. Over all, I’d say I just feel a bit more tired today than normal, but not
omg I need a nap sleepy.

This weekend, if things are still plugging along well and I’m not out for the count, I will be putting
together wedding decorations for Rescue Mom’s oldest. We are decor duty for tables, putting
together thank you favors, making up the bouquets and boutonnieres, just to name a few things.
Mom has some alterations to make to the bridesmaids and maid of honor’s dresses. Just some
minor stuff, thankfully. I may have thrown myself into the fray in order to help Mom with the
decorations. I felt bad that she would be doing it all alone. I have apologized for just jumping in to
help without being asked, because I really feel like I might be butting in. She said I fine but you know
how the brain works and I just can’t help feeling the way I do. Stupid brain weasels!

Yesterday I was in jeans and long sleeves because it was chilly. Today, I decided was jammie day and I’m
still wearing my fuzzy robe. By next week though, Monday I think, we’ll be heading back into the 90s and
possibly even 100s!!! Send cool thoughts!

The garden is thriving. YAY!! I still have a couple things to plant. But we need about 4 more bags of soil
to fill out the beds where these last seedlings will go.

My one monitor is on the fritz. I don’t feel like dropping almost 200 on a monitor, but it’s my good one that
is acting up. The one I do my photo editing on. GRRRRRRRRRRR! I’m hoping it’s maybe a retrograde thing.
HAHA! I need to replace both. My working monitor is older, it’s dull, and the imagining is fuzzy. So I’m not
exactly doing a jig that it’s my good one that is acting up. Still though, either way the thought of paying that
for a PC monitor. *shudders*

And finally as promised, here’s a few photos from June Camera Play.

AA lone bee on milkweed
Busy bees on milkweed
Found treasure?
Bug on a Pine Needle
Red Rose
Pine Branch

Hello June

It doesn’t even feel like it should be June, yet here we are.
And what a start to this month! Boy Howdy!!

We started off with a heat wave, which is ending today. Thank the gods!
Yesterday was a record breaker, topping out at 103.
And then the storms arrived. The trifecta of thunder, lightening, and wind.
Dontcha know, I ended up out in it.

Rescue Mom needed help keeping some scrap wood from coming crashing
through a back window. All we heard was I need help! We run outside and
can’t find her. I swear I thought she was trapped because she sounded so
far away with the wind roaring so loudly. But she was okay, except trying to keep
the stuff from flying through a window while trying not to get beaned by flying
branches and crap herself. She got help with that, but I got as far as the 5th wheel
and couldn’t go anywhere.

Yep! There I was in the middle of it. Pressed up against the side of the 5th wheel that
was rocking so bad I thought it was going to flip on top of me. I thought about going in
it, but then had visions of it blowing down the hill with me in it. So I decided against that.
Branches were flying like crazy. The rose trellis got pulled out of the side wall of the house,
nails and all. No damage to the house, thank the gods!!

But there I am, trying not to panic because OMG DOOM WINDS! of over 60+ MPH. It felt
close to being like winds of a Category 1 Hurricane. It probably wasn’t that high, but when
you’re in the middle of it, I might as well had been in the middle of the Wizard of Oz scene.
There was no help for it, I said a prayer to the Blessed Mother (because my Babci swore by
her aide and said she never failed her), gathered my hair in one hand because I didn’t have it
braided, and made a run for the front side of the house.

When all was said and done not even 5 minutes later, we were without power (for 6 hours after
it we lost it). Small branches scattered around the yard. A missing but found trash can. Three
giant empty spools from wire that got blown down our hill. Our neighbor’s trash can at the road
got blow down said road and into a ditch, but another neighbor saw and pulled it out. And then we
heard the sirens and could see the emergency lights from our front yard. There was an accident
on the interstate at our exit. The wind flipped a semi. I hope the driver is okay. I swear I heard
the heavy rescue equipment being used.

I prefer my days a little less eventful. Ya know what I mean? And yes I know I was pretty stupid for
getting myself stuck out in the wind. I think I panicked and froze. It seemed like a long time but
it was really only a few minutes. But in that moment though…..yeah.
Today is the last of the hot days for a few. It’s breezy on and off.
There is a snake out in our patch of trees somewhere. I didn’t get to see it though. Not for lack of
trying, mind you. Hopefully it has moved on.
My garden is sprouting like crazy. The lima beans are finally coming up, as are the tri-color beans.
The peas, bush beans, and pea pods too. Looks like my carrots are trying to as well.

Oh and best news, I got my letter from social security that my request is in process!!!
I got my documents and ID back a couple of days prior to that.
So I am really on my way to changing my name in all the places. FINALLY!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

This coming week, hopefully I get to some of the in person places to get those changes done.
Project wise, I have some table decorations and favor boxes to put together for someone’s wedding.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find plastic mason jars that don’t cost a fortune?????

Well that’s my start to June.
How is yours? Hopefully not as eventful!!

Pictures coming in the next post. Until then….have a safe and wonderful weekend!

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