Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween And Other Stuff

It’s that time of year where I seem to draw inward.
I start thinking about all that I didn’t accomplish in the last year.
How I want to finish out the last two months of the year.
And what I want to attempt to accomplish and achieve in the coming year.
Sometimes I think of this day as the beginning of a new year.

Right now, I have no answers to the questions running through my head.
I’ve been riding waves of anxiety all week without knowing why or what is/was
causing it. It kind of lulled yesterday, but here it is today…back in full swing.
I feel like the rug is going to pulled out from under me at any moment.
I hate this feeling. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially the not knowing
what is causing it.

Today I found out my cousin by blood and sister of my heart has covid. I sat here
and had every expletive you could think of screaming in my head while I sat and
cried. She says it’s very mild, she has had both her shots. But that doesn’t make me
any less scared or worried. I’m trying not to lose my shit over here and it’s hard. She
is home in quarantine, resting, and watching hallmark xmas movies. Please some body
tell me it will be okay!

Do you know how hard it is to find out what Pagan ways my Polish and Ukrainian
ancestors might have practiced? I can’t find anything about what sort of tools they
would have used for divination. I can find out what gods and goddesses they might have
honored. But practices…I’m hitting a brick wall.
I really want to know, if I can, what they might have practiced. I can remember being
told, when that when I was born my Babci did some sort of candle ritual and using the
bathroom tile. It was, I think, supposed to show her if someone had cursed me? It’s been
so long since I heard the story, I can hardly remember it.
My great grandma used to tie red ribbons around her plants to ward off the evil eye from
those who might be jealous of her green thumb.

Maybe though, before I go falling down the rabbit hole is that I should actually do the
DNA test to see what all I am. Maybe there is more to me than I know of. Maybe I am
not all that I was told I am.

Tomorrow is the first day of NaNoWriMo.
I have zero prep done for it. Everything I thought I would do got sidetracked by one
thing or another. So once again, I will be attempting this by flying by the seat of my
pants and hoping for the best.
One of the things I was hoping to incorporate into this story idea was some Polish Pagan
ways. Now, maybe I’ll have to put that aspect of my idea on the back burner and work
around it. Maybe I’ll throw the question out there into a group I am in regarding Slavic
Paganism.

I can feel the anxiety wave rising again. So with that, I think I will go find something
to distract myself with until it hopefully passes.

Samhain Blessings!!
Have a safe and Happy Halloween!!

This Is 52 And Other Musings

Yesterday, was the big 5-2!
And me, in my infinite lack of wisdom went and scheduled a doctor’s appointment.
On – my – birthday!!
What was I even thinking?

Well, I thought, honestly that Bug’s Momma was off of work because Bug had a
doctor’s appointment. As it turned out, her Momma wasn’t off. And her appointment
was cancelled because she has a cold.

I got to meet with the Functional Medicine NP yesterday. We discussed my labs from
two weeks ago, going a bit over my thyroid and hormones. As per my doc and the labs,
I have entered the menopause. His words LOL. NP reconfirmed that as we discussed
what, if any symptoms I am having. We decided to run some more labs checking some
other thyroid things, vitamin levels, and other hormone levels.
She seems very nice but talks a bit fast. Reminded me a bit of being back in NY, where
everyone seems to talk fast, walk fast, just everything fast.
I follow up with her in two weeks via televisit to discuss these results.
I was thoroughly delighted that my BP in the office was a lovely 126/74!!
So it would seem, that it’s the doc himself that sets my BP soaring high.

I can’t even begin to express how relieved I am that my BP was actually normal in the office!
There was some concern there. I made sure to check it at home the night before and the morning
of, and both times it was good even with a headache.

One of the things I am waiting on is a consult with a neurologist to discuss the arm/hand weakness
and hopefully the pain and tingling in my legs/back, sometimes my arms/hands too. I’m nervous
about seeing one. I know what my friend has gone through trying to get answers. They keep trying
to tell her she’s crazy and that her symptoms are all in her head.

I made some cod and shrimp in a lemon butter dill sauce (bottled) with a box of loaded scalloped
potatoes. Some spinach and mozzarella stuffed mushrooms. A glass of Sangria and strawberry
cheese cake (store bought). I couldn’t decide what I wanted. I kind of wanted lobster tail, but didn’t
want to pay the price. I didn’t really want to go out to eat because Rona numbers are still high here.
Though, in hindsight, I thought of it…we could have gone some place I wanted to eat at and got it to
go, then find a nice spot to sit and eat in the car. Oh well, I’ll try to remember that for another time. Even
for non-birthday meals.

I’ve gotten absolutely nothing done for NaNo prep. I’m still at a loss beyond my initial idea. Every time
I think to get into the art cave and hash some thoughts out or even maybe make some art, I get side
tracked. I thought maybe I’d get in there today, but the other Little has come over and wanted to play
with the big kid toys on the floor of my cave. But I will try at some point I hope.

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind of late. And of course, I can’t think of any of them right now.
Always seems to be the way, when I sit down to write the thoughts fly out the window.

This is a birthday picture of me, after I got home from my appointment.


I’m wearing my “magic” as the Little used to call them.
And I felt like braided pigtails.
I was never allowed to have long hair growing up.
One summer, when I was about5 or 6, my hair got long enough for
two little pigtails and I was so excited. I was so happy to have them.
Then before I knew it, my mother was walking me into the hair salon
(we called it a beauty parlor back then) to get my hair cut. I was
devastated. I cried my little heart out.
It wasn’t until high school that I stood up to my mother and said I was
done with the boyish hair cuts. Then of course as an adult I could
wear my hair how I wanted. Since then, I’ve worn it varying lengths.
With the Rona, I have not been for a hair cut in over two years. I’ve
snipped the ends myself a couple of times, but that’s it.
I wore my braided pigtails yesterday in honor of my inner child and the
child I once was that was denied them.

Some Thoughts Tuesday

It’s been a few days since I posted. That wasn’t what I intended.
Time got away from me a little bit. And then the next thing I know
almost two weeks has gone by since I posted. So here’s what’s going
on in my world.

  • There’s talk of freeze warnings and some snow tonight into tomorrow.
    I don’t think any will stick though. A few flurries were flying yesterday
    much to our joy and surprise. There’s talk in the news of having a
    La Nina winter pattern, but it shouldn’t be on the Snowmaggedon of
    2016 level where we had almost 40 inches of snow fall that winter season.
    Yesterday and earlier today was wickedly windy. Making it feel a lot colder
    than it was.
  • I went in to get labs drawn for before my annual visit with the doctor. And
    as luck would have it, they had an opening that morning to see him. So I said
    let’s do it and then I realized how mentally unprepared I was for this. By the
    time I got into the room my blood pressure was 180/100. I was also fasting
    for the labs and had no caffeine so I had a headache coming on. Then it was
    oh so when was your last PAP.
    At this point I was thinking “what the fuck was I thinking?” So I’m like extremely
    nervous at this point and trying not to think about bolting in nothing but the
    fashionable not quite paper, not quite cloth snap vest and the lovely paper drape
    covering my lady bits. After my labs were drawn, they checked my pressure again
    and it was down to 164/80. So better, but not ideal. I have to monitor it twice a
    day for the next week and bring the numbers in when I see him again on Wednesday.
  • Then, even though I know going forward my insurance is working. Because we
    checked before being seen. I had no idea what the status of my year old $5000
    bill was. It has been impossible for me to reach the lady that handles the billing.
    So good news is everything from here on out is covered and is showing my
    insurance as the only one. And from the message she gave the receptionist for me
    was that she ran my bill again and it went through. Y’all I wanted to cry!!! I mean,
    I’m still worried about it. Until I see it with my own eyes ya know. And I see a zero
    balance, I am going to worry.
  • In other good news, he said I can hold off on having any surgery since my results
    from the Myosure were negative. We’re rechecking hormone levels, thyroid, and
    the rest of the things they check in an annual. I asked about the weakness and
    sometimes tingling I have been getting, but we couldn’t really discuss it in this visit.
  • US health care is so fucked up that you can’t talk about anything outside the scope
    of your annual exam. If you need to address other issues, you have to make another
    appointment. So says the health insurance industry. Basically these greedy fuckers
    would rather you make additional appointments instead of just dealing with shit in the
    one you are already at. SMDH!!!
  • I’ve gotten a couple of early birthday presents!!
    I got a FitBit yesterday. And today I got a wireless keyboard to use with my tablet.
    Word got out that I was eyeballing a chrome book. I was informed that my tablet
    was better and it was best to just get me a keyboard for it.
    I’m hoping that this will be a big nudge for me with my writing.
  • Speaking of writing…I’m so behind on Prep-tober!
    I’m not sure what if any prep I will get done. Might be another November of writing
    by the seat of my pants again. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I do this
    every year. Say I’m going to prep and then I don’t. I wonder if I did more prep, would
    I “win” more NaNos. Half the fun is in the writing, so I’m going to try not to get too
    frustrated with myself over it.
  • In an effort to focus on myself, my health, and some self care, I got myself a yoga
    mat and a knee mat. I think I need to pick up another block. I can’t really do a whole
    lot of moves. I need them to be simple and gentle. I have a couple of resistance bands
    that I saw some easy moves to do with too.
    I haven’t started yet. I’m having a hard time committing to doing it. And to just starting.

But that’s the update. Figures crossed that my pressure doesn’t go crazy and that my tests
are all good.

Hello October!

I decided to take the first off from blogging just to give myself a day.
I intended to blog yesterday, but spent it running errands and by the
time I got home I was too tired to think. By 10:30, I could barely keep
my eyes open.
This also puts me two days behind in Prep-tober. Today makes day three.
But I have a good reason for today…I spent it moving my desk into the
closet after removing the doors. That really seemed to open up the room.
I know it’s just the illusion of that after doors came off, but it is nice to
have it feel bigger.
I moved my easel into the corner by the window. For some reason that
corner seems to get more light. Now I need to solve my yarn storage.
Which I have an idea for, but I need a day or three to recuperate lol.
I have a small dresser that has decent sized drawers that I can move
into there and fill it with my yarn. Side note on yarn, I have a small-ish
stash and can you believe I don’t have the yarn I need for a project!?!??
My body is currently screaming at me for yesterday’s errand trip and
for today moving part of the art cave around. I had to empty the closet.
Remove the doors. Vacuum. Move the desk and small cabinet. Vacuum
some more. Move the easel. Reorganize where the contents of the closet
will now go. Vacuum some more.
I don’t know how I keep forgetting to take something for the pain with
my back, hips, and legs screaming at me as they are. But here I am,
doing what should be the impossible.
Sometime this week, there will be another errands run for some things.
I’m thinking I might need some storage containers.
In the next three weeks, there will be painting of one bathroom.
Repainting the living room. It has only taken us 3 years to decide on a color.
And we’ve had the paint for a couple of months but summer heat was not
good painting weather. So that’s on deck. And we will be repurposing the
coat closet into a pantry. There are tracks to install and shelves to put up.
We’re on a hunt for an over the door spice rack to hang on the closet door.
Three weeks with out Bug and we’re trying to make it productive and do
the things we’ve putting off.
Time to go find some food and take some ibuprofen.

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