Random Thoughts

Happy December Eve!
How the heck did we get here already?
How is there 31 days left to the year when it feels like it’s
barely started OR worse, just one long continuous loop of 2020.
UGH!! I’m not really ready, but here we are.

I’m so over holidays.
The commercialism of it all.
The incessant need (is that the right word?) to feel like one has to
spend a fortune on gifts so that the recipients aren’t disappointed.
Feeling like you have to buy piles of things for someone instead of
one gift being sufficient. I’m so over it all. I hate seeing people feel
guilty because they may not have bought enough stuff.

I’m trying to pick up the hook again.
The crochet hook that is.
Working on something that I started long before I ever moved here.
I don’t even know if I’m using the same hook size that I was. And it took
me a minute or two to figure out what stitch I was doing. But I got it now,
I think.

I’m so freaking behind on word count.
I haven’t even broken the half way mark.
But, that’s still okay. I’ve written everyday and each word is one more
that I didn’t have.
Today is the last day of NaNo. I’ve not done as well as I wanted to, hoped
to. I’m okay with it…I think.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m either not enough or I’m too much.
I’m tired of people being annoyed with me for stepping in or being pissed
off because I didn’t. It’s frustrating!!! And if I remove myself from a situation
because someone doesn’t want me to tell a child to stop raiding the snack jar
without permission, or leaving the door wide open giving inside cats a chance to
escape, or running around screaming like a lunatic, or being overly rough with
toys or other things, or insert any number of things…so if I remove myself to a
quiet space and avoid the confrontations, then I’m being anti-social or rude or just
a plain old bitch.

I’m starting to the think about my word for 2022.
The word “SOVEREIGN” came to mind, or “SOVEREIGNTY”.
Leaning towards the latter at the moment, but word choice is as always
subject to change. Or maybe I should go with “HOLY”?
What does the word sovereign bring up for you? Thoughts? Feelings?
What does it mean to you? I am still holding on to SACRED, as we aren’t
done with each other yet. This will be our third year together. This year’s
word was INTENTION(AL). I think I dropped the ball with it.

Past Word of the Year that I have had:
2011 — FREEDOM
2012 — CREATIVE ALCHEMY
2013 — DARE
2014 — EMERGE/AUTHENTIC SELF
2015 — RECLAIM
2016 — ACCEPTANCE
2017 — DREAM
2018 — SURRENDER
2019 — SACRED
2020 — SACRED
2021 — INTENTION(AL) also carried SACRED again.

In 2011, I think I achieved that one, as I left an abusive marriage. Depending
on who you talk to, other people would probably say that it was all in my head.
That I was making something out of nothing. But daily gaslighting and living with a
narcissist (after having been raised by one)… my sanity was stake. It felt like things
were escalating and I didn’t want to stick around for things to turn physical, and the signs
for that were there.
The others, even though I chose them or them me, there wasn’t a lot of follow through
with them. Though, I did do a lot of dreaming in 2017.
Sacred isn’t done with me yet. Nor I with it. I’m still seeking my path. Organized religion
isn’t it. I guess I identify mostly as a Pagan, with leanings towards being a Witch, interests
in being a Druid, and interests in the Divine Feminine mostly Celtic Goddesses and
Mary/Mary Magdalene. I’m feeling eclectically chaotic because I feel pulled in so many
directions. I can see myself being a Kitchen/Hedge/Green Witch. I felt called to walk a
different path almost 20 years ago. And here I am, still wandering in circles trying to
figure shit out.

Tomorrow is another doctor’s appointment. This one is to discuss my weight because
according to the BMI index (which is all sorts of f*cked up, but that’s another story) I am
overweight and the doc would like me to try to lose a few pounds. The practitioner I see
tomorrow specialize in metabolism, so I’ll be doing some sort of metabolic tests. I also
need to do a cortisol test because my DHEA is out of whack, DHEA has to do with your
adrenals. Anyway, it’s a too early o’clock appointment and it means no coffee or food.
I’m interested in what she might have to say. I think my weight is hormonal, curious to
see if I am right. But she is expensive and my insurance probably doesn’t cover passed
the initial visit. Hopefully I’ll learn something from the visit that is useful.

Anyway, that’s about all I got for this one. Or at least what I can remember. I’ve only had
this in my drafts for a few days lol.
Happy Tuesday! Have a great week!!

Good Bye November!

Hump Day In A Different Way

This week is…….
Well, it’s easy in the normal way of things.
Bug comes over, we watch her. She plays. We feed her, we change her, we put her
to nap, we wake her, we take her to Daddy. And then, rinse and repeat the routine
for what ever week days her Mama works.
Normal in the sense of gathering the foods we will be making for tomorrow,
Thanksgiving here in the states. I’ve been disenchanted with the whole holiday.
One of a handful of days out of the year where (in some not all cases) families gather
to eat a big meal that costs a small fortune and are somewhat civil to one another. It
repeats again in roughly thirty days at Christmas and then you mostly don’t exist until
then next holiday or you’re needed for something. I know this is not the case with all
families, but for a lot of them this is quite normal.

This is hard too. Yesterday, the 23rd, was 15 years since my Babci (my dad’s mom) died.
Tomorrow, is the day it will always be for me regardless of what number the day she left me.
She died on Thanksgiving day 15 years ago. So no matter what number is on the calendar that
day, it will always be that day. And today just happens to be the hump day, the in between day
of the date and the day.
I’m torn. I’m relieved that she is no longer in pain. And she was in some god awful pain. I don’t
think the meds touched it. But I’m angry, too. Angry that she left me. She was my voice of reason
when my ex told me I was worthless or useless or that a meal that made was wrong in some way
even when it wasn’t. She would be the voice that told me I wasn’t any of those things or that the
meal was fine.
I’m angry that the person who said she loved me unconditionally, didn’t believe me when I told
things that happened to me. Saying things like “he wouldn’t do that, he’s your dad and he loves you.”
She would sometimes say she wished she hadn’t moved to live with me because what she didn’t see
and hear didn’t hurt her. But if she didn’t see and hear it, she wouldn’t have believed it. This much
I knew. And he knew that if my people, my family didn’t believe it then it was “all in my head” and that
“I was crazy or being dramatic” or whatever other phrase he’d toss out there.

Thanksgiving has never been the same for me, since that’s the day she died. Christmas hasn’t been the
same since my Dad died on Christmas Eve almost 27 years ago. I guess we can just leave it at I’m angry
at them both on some level.

The following quote was in an email newsletter I get every night:
“This practice of inner hospitality means welcoming in whatever it is we are experiencing as having the possibility of wisdom for us. The Orphan [archetype] knows the power of tenderness and vulnerability and just wants to be seen, rather than fixed.” 

— Christine Valters Paintner, PhD,Illuminating the Way: Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics

Even though I wasn’t an orphan this quote kind of speaks to me. I was unseen, unheard, not believed.
I have never wanted someone to “fix” me. I want to tell my inner child that I see her, hear her, believe her. But it’s hard to do when no one else did. It’s hard to do because when your adult self tries to talk
about it with those who could have or should have had your back, didn’t or don’t believe you. When
appearances indicate they believe the side of the narcissist.

I think some of this muck is the stuff I’m supposed to be letting go of.
None of it, playing it over in my head or holding on to it, is serving me in any way except to keep me
stuck in the thick of the muck. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the roles anyone
played in what happened. I can’t make people believe me.
I’m done trying to fit in to space that isn’t for me. All my life, I’ve tried to fit in and be a part of space
that wasn’t for me. I’ve tried to be what I was told to be, what others wanted me to be. I’d done it
for so long, I had completely forgotten who I am. Over the last few years, I’ve been untangling myself
from their stories and lies. I don’t know if I am any closer to figuring shit out and I don’t know how
far I’ve come in the untangling. I just know I don’t want to be the square peg trying to fit herself into
the round hole because it’s what others want or expect.

This ended up a little heavier than I expected it to be. But I guess I had to get things out.
I guess I should turn my focus to putting together Szarlotka (Polish Apple Crumble) before the apples are
unusable. And I want to get some things out of the way for tomorrow, like pre chopping celery and onions, putting most of the green bean casserole together, and the candied yams. Going to peel and
chop the potatoes too. If we can get the prep mess out of the way, then that’s less clean up tomorrow.
Going to try making Instant Pot Mashed Potatoes for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it turns out good. Never made them this way before.

If you are gathering tomorrow I wish you a lovely and peaceful day.

Self-Care, Health, And Letting Go

Is that quite the mix?
I can see where they would all go together and yet at the same time seem to be
so far from each other as to make my head spin.

First I want to give a shout out to Effy for being real and keeping it real.
Thank you for your realness and your authenticity!!
Her last two posts, I did a lot of nodding and a-ha, yes girl!!

On Letting Go…
It seems like that time of year where everywhere I look, that phrase is coming up.
I hear it in my head all the time. But I never seem to know what it means. I don’t
know what it is I am supposed to be letting go of.
Well…maybe now, I know a little bit? I’m not sure.

You see, at a young age I learned to be “invisible”. To be “seen but not heard”, so I had
no voice. If I cried I was told to stop or I’d be given something to cry for. If my cousin hit
me I was not allowed to defend myself because I was older and knew better. So I got in
trouble and they didn’t.
If I tried to talk about traumatic things, I was told they weren’t true. That the person who did
it would never do that.
When I got older, if I tried to have my needs met or express myself…if I tried to disclose
abuse or…well I think you get the idea. I was told I was “being dramatic”, “over reacting”, “all
in my head.” So I kept getting silenced. I was afraid to shine, to be seen, to be heard.
I think that maybe this is one of the things, the whole lot, that I need to work on letting go of.
Let go of that narrative. To let go of the notion that self-care is selfish. Yeah, there’s that too.

Health:
I got my additional labs back. I need to have my cortisol tested, which I will be doing next week
when I meet with the nutrition/metabolic specialist about losing a few pounds. The functional
medicine NP thinks my extra weight is hormonal/thyroid related. She’s adding an additional
thyroid medication to my regimen. My Vitamin D is very low, so I have to take that as well. My DHEA
is too high, which is why I need the cortisol test. This might be stress or anxiety related. And since
I have been feeling my anxiety intensely at times, this makes some sense. I told her that I was also
a DV survivor and though I haven’t been officially diagnosed, it is highly likely that I have PTSD. The
DHEA also regulates our fight or flight response. And mine feels like I want to run far far away. I just
wish I knew what was triggering me so hard. It’s so much easier to deal with when I know what the
thing that set it off is.
I also have to add Ashwagandha and Magnesium to my daily supplements.
I am looking at some options to changing my eating habits. Eating better. I’m pretty sure my current
soda and 3 Musketeers addiction is not doing me any favors. I’m thinking of looking at the
Mediterranean diet again as well as maybe Whole 30/Paleo type and/or AIP. Only this time, instead of
just looking at them that I actually put them into practice.
Next week’s appointment is supposed to show me how my body metabolizes things. But counting
calories and measuring portions/weighing my food is not my cuppa.

Self-care:
What is that? How do I do that?
How do I do it without feeling selfish? Or even being told that I’m selfish. I don’t know that the latter
will be the case, but it has happened in the past.
It’s becoming clear(er) to me, especially based on some of what I wrote that I need to learn how to
put myself, my health, and my wellbeing first. Most of my life I have not been allowed to do that. Now,
it is beginning to feel like I must do that. It might be that my life depends on it.
This whole self-care journey will be a struggle for me as I come to grips with the fact that this is what I
need. I can already feel the whole “you are being selfish” narrative looming over me. I can already hear
the crack shots about what I am doing or eating, and I haven’t even started anything yet.
My sister of my heart (cousin by blood) is suggesting I try some meditation along with adding movement
like walking or yoga or simple stretches, in addition to making the dietary changes I might need. I was telling
her how I can’t clear my mind enough to meditate, I can’t quiet myself enough. She was telling me how she
uses a candle flame to focus on along with repeating a song or phrase for a set period of time. I told her
how I was told that focusing on a flame was a dangerous practice and could end up hypnotizing me. She told me
that should not happen so long as I set a timer for myself.

I am beginning to realize how much denying myself a creative practice is hurting me. All these real or perceived
excuses for not getting into my art cave is not good for me. How procrastinating on having a creative practice,
setting up different journals like a health bullet journal and a brain dump notebook for stuff like quotes and such…
not doing these things is hurting me and I don’t think I have realized just how much until now.

You don’t know how many times I sit down to write a post and think … no body wants to read this, no body cares,
all you’re doing is whining and no body wants to hear that.
But there is another voice that is barely above a whisper that says to me… your story is your story. It happened. You
went through it. You came out on the other side of it. If people don’t like it they should have treated you better, acted
better, did more to help you.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the people you thought were supposed to help you that you counted
on to do so, sided with your abuser or just flat out didn’t believe you.
And because of them, every time I tell a portion of my story I feel this deep in my bones that no one will believe me.
This is a very hard thing to deal with. And it has caused me to have trust issues.

I have my wounds and my scars even if you can’t see them.
I’ve been through things and survived. I’ve come out on the other side.
Rebuilding my life, making a life that I want is not easy.
Self care is hard. Letting go is hard. But I think I am worth it. Now if I can just put things into practice.

Can I Get A Do Over Today?

  • It is cloudy and breezy today.
    We are supposed to have rain coming at some point.
    We still have not dried out from the last round of rain.
    At least it was not foggy out today.
    So that is a plus, right?
  • My anxiety is still revved up and I have no clue why.
    I just cannot seem to shake it. I am not used to it lasting this long.
    It has been a good long while since the last time it happened.
    Even trying to distract myself with different things has is not
    helping. I have idea what triggered it. Well, maybe I do. Maybe
    it has all started since I went to the doctor and I am just afraid
    this whole crap with bills and insurance is going to start up again.
    Even though, as of Sunday things are still being paid.
  • I got told I was useless today because I was busy getting the dogs
    medicines together for their morning doses instead of helping with Bug.
    She was in the other room with another adult. But she was in her “I only
    want Grandma” mood. But Grandma was on the phone with the cell
    company trying to get her mobile data issue fixed. I thought Bug was
    being handled by the other person, but I guess she was just getting mad at
    them. And rather than just ask me to come help or take her, I get accused
    of being more worried about coffee, which I was not even making.
    We have one dog with an ear infection and another that just had 14 teeth
    pulled. I am kind of the designated medicine giver and was setting things
    up to for to give to the dogs. I am pretty OCD about it and have to check
    myself several times before I give it to them. I make sure I am giving the
    right meds to the right dog and in the right dose. And then you know, I
    have a schedule I need to stick to for them. So yeah…sigh.
  • It seems my bill has been partially paid. It is now showing a balance of $350
    rather than the $5000 it was. BUT that same thing is on the bill again that
    the claim is denied for some unknown reason. The billing lady is only in
    the office Monday – Wednesday. So I can’t call her to find out if I need to start
    calling the insurance again. I know she was still adjudicating bills from last
    year to be paid, so maybe that is what is going on. And that statement is just
    a “common” thing while it is going through the process because it has not
    gone through yet.
    None of my new charges are showing up yet. But that does not mean they will
    not if things go to shit again. SIGH!!! Does this shit ever end?!?!?!
  • Had to have my booby smash yesterday. I was okay with the one way, but when
    they had to take the side view…UGH! Stupid machine, the corner of the plate
    stabbed me under the arm. And you can’t not have it do that because of how they
    have to take the image. Hours later, when I was changing my clothes the same
    spot under both arms was still red. I would not be surprised if I end up with
    bruises. But it is done! So that is a plus!!
  • Then I went to do some laundry today. There was a small load to be washed in
    the machine already, so I got it started. Ten minutes into the cycle, the machine
    stops washing and makes a weird buzzing noise for like two minutes. Then the
    noise stopped, but the cycle would not start again. I was about to panic and all
    that good stuff, then after about another three minutes it started going again.
    It has not done that before, so hence me about to freak out. Let’s hope I can get
    through my three loads without incident.
  • Maybe, just maybe all of this I am feeling is because the New Moon is in Scorpio.
    And I am a Scorpio. Could that be it? Could all of this *waves hands* be what
    is making feel like the world is about to fall apart?
    I think this might be how Chicken Little feels when he runs around yelling, “The
    sky is falling!” It certainly feels that way, even though I do not have a clue as to
    why. I really just want to go somewhere and scream until I can’t anymore.
  • My first day of writing for NaNo went really well. I ended the day with a few
    hundred words over the minimum count for the day. I knew the next day would be
    a bit of a bear to write with the pupper going to the vet for dental work. But by
    the time I got home and fed myself, I barely got a couple hundred words down.
    Yesterday did not fair much better, only around 300 words. So here I sit on day four
    of NaNo with a 3643 word deficit. I am not terribly worried about catching up, yet I
    am at the same time. If I put my mind to it, not let myself get sidetracked or
    distracted, I know I can catch up or even exceed what I need.
    I know I should probably work on consistency of writing, rather than how many
    words I have or need for a particular day. Anything I write in one day or one session
    is way more than I had. And definitely more than if I did not write at all. But I see that
    50,000 goal and all that rationality flies out the window and I feel like I am failing and
    will “lose” another NaNo.
    I already know that I am writing too conservatively. I am not flourishing or embellishing
    what I am writing. I am not writing great detail or descriptively. I am losing valuable
    words but doing that. I should be pouring it all out on the page and then worrying later
    if it needs to come out. Instead of limiting my words in a way and then have to figure out
    how to add it in later. It will probably never be publishable, and I am okay with that. I just
    want to be able to say that I wrote at least one story from start to finish.
    I know I probably will not finish said story in thirty days. That is expected, the goal is to
    write 50,000 words. They are not supposed to be good words, they are not supposed to be
    perfect words. This is not supposed to be all polished up and ready to print. This is
    supposed to be a challenge to get that novel written, it is meant (I think) to get us started.
    But this is where I am at. And I have to be okay with that…for now.
  • Or maybe, I should just take my apparently “useless” ass off to go play video games and
    not give a shit about anything. Shush, let me have my brief pity party LOL.
  • New Moon Blessings Y’all!!

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