Hump Day In A Different Way

This week is…….
Well, it’s easy in the normal way of things.
Bug comes over, we watch her. She plays. We feed her, we change her, we put her
to nap, we wake her, we take her to Daddy. And then, rinse and repeat the routine
for what ever week days her Mama works.
Normal in the sense of gathering the foods we will be making for tomorrow,
Thanksgiving here in the states. I’ve been disenchanted with the whole holiday.
One of a handful of days out of the year where (in some not all cases) families gather
to eat a big meal that costs a small fortune and are somewhat civil to one another. It
repeats again in roughly thirty days at Christmas and then you mostly don’t exist until
then next holiday or you’re needed for something. I know this is not the case with all
families, but for a lot of them this is quite normal.

This is hard too. Yesterday, the 23rd, was 15 years since my Babci (my dad’s mom) died.
Tomorrow, is the day it will always be for me regardless of what number the day she left me.
She died on Thanksgiving day 15 years ago. So no matter what number is on the calendar that
day, it will always be that day. And today just happens to be the hump day, the in between day
of the date and the day.
I’m torn. I’m relieved that she is no longer in pain. And she was in some god awful pain. I don’t
think the meds touched it. But I’m angry, too. Angry that she left me. She was my voice of reason
when my ex told me I was worthless or useless or that a meal that made was wrong in some way
even when it wasn’t. She would be the voice that told me I wasn’t any of those things or that the
meal was fine.
I’m angry that the person who said she loved me unconditionally, didn’t believe me when I told
things that happened to me. Saying things like “he wouldn’t do that, he’s your dad and he loves you.”
She would sometimes say she wished she hadn’t moved to live with me because what she didn’t see
and hear didn’t hurt her. But if she didn’t see and hear it, she wouldn’t have believed it. This much
I knew. And he knew that if my people, my family didn’t believe it then it was “all in my head” and that
“I was crazy or being dramatic” or whatever other phrase he’d toss out there.

Thanksgiving has never been the same for me, since that’s the day she died. Christmas hasn’t been the
same since my Dad died on Christmas Eve almost 27 years ago. I guess we can just leave it at I’m angry
at them both on some level.

The following quote was in an email newsletter I get every night:
“This practice of inner hospitality means welcoming in whatever it is we are experiencing as having the possibility of wisdom for us. The Orphan [archetype] knows the power of tenderness and vulnerability and just wants to be seen, rather than fixed.” 

— Christine Valters Paintner, PhD,Illuminating the Way: Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics

Even though I wasn’t an orphan this quote kind of speaks to me. I was unseen, unheard, not believed.
I have never wanted someone to “fix” me. I want to tell my inner child that I see her, hear her, believe her. But it’s hard to do when no one else did. It’s hard to do because when your adult self tries to talk
about it with those who could have or should have had your back, didn’t or don’t believe you. When
appearances indicate they believe the side of the narcissist.

I think some of this muck is the stuff I’m supposed to be letting go of.
None of it, playing it over in my head or holding on to it, is serving me in any way except to keep me
stuck in the thick of the muck. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the roles anyone
played in what happened. I can’t make people believe me.
I’m done trying to fit in to space that isn’t for me. All my life, I’ve tried to fit in and be a part of space
that wasn’t for me. I’ve tried to be what I was told to be, what others wanted me to be. I’d done it
for so long, I had completely forgotten who I am. Over the last few years, I’ve been untangling myself
from their stories and lies. I don’t know if I am any closer to figuring shit out and I don’t know how
far I’ve come in the untangling. I just know I don’t want to be the square peg trying to fit herself into
the round hole because it’s what others want or expect.

This ended up a little heavier than I expected it to be. But I guess I had to get things out.
I guess I should turn my focus to putting together Szarlotka (Polish Apple Crumble) before the apples are
unusable. And I want to get some things out of the way for tomorrow, like pre chopping celery and onions, putting most of the green bean casserole together, and the candied yams. Going to peel and
chop the potatoes too. If we can get the prep mess out of the way, then that’s less clean up tomorrow.
Going to try making Instant Pot Mashed Potatoes for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it turns out good. Never made them this way before.

If you are gathering tomorrow I wish you a lovely and peaceful day.

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