Random Thoughts

Happy December Eve!
How the heck did we get here already?
How is there 31 days left to the year when it feels like it’s
barely started OR worse, just one long continuous loop of 2020.
UGH!! I’m not really ready, but here we are.

I’m so over holidays.
The commercialism of it all.
The incessant need (is that the right word?) to feel like one has to
spend a fortune on gifts so that the recipients aren’t disappointed.
Feeling like you have to buy piles of things for someone instead of
one gift being sufficient. I’m so over it all. I hate seeing people feel
guilty because they may not have bought enough stuff.

I’m trying to pick up the hook again.
The crochet hook that is.
Working on something that I started long before I ever moved here.
I don’t even know if I’m using the same hook size that I was. And it took
me a minute or two to figure out what stitch I was doing. But I got it now,
I think.

I’m so freaking behind on word count.
I haven’t even broken the half way mark.
But, that’s still okay. I’ve written everyday and each word is one more
that I didn’t have.
Today is the last day of NaNo. I’ve not done as well as I wanted to, hoped
to. I’m okay with it…I think.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m either not enough or I’m too much.
I’m tired of people being annoyed with me for stepping in or being pissed
off because I didn’t. It’s frustrating!!! And if I remove myself from a situation
because someone doesn’t want me to tell a child to stop raiding the snack jar
without permission, or leaving the door wide open giving inside cats a chance to
escape, or running around screaming like a lunatic, or being overly rough with
toys or other things, or insert any number of things…so if I remove myself to a
quiet space and avoid the confrontations, then I’m being anti-social or rude or just
a plain old bitch.

I’m starting to the think about my word for 2022.
The word “SOVEREIGN” came to mind, or “SOVEREIGNTY”.
Leaning towards the latter at the moment, but word choice is as always
subject to change. Or maybe I should go with “HOLY”?
What does the word sovereign bring up for you? Thoughts? Feelings?
What does it mean to you? I am still holding on to SACRED, as we aren’t
done with each other yet. This will be our third year together. This year’s
word was INTENTION(AL). I think I dropped the ball with it.

Past Word of the Year that I have had:
2011 — FREEDOM
2012 — CREATIVE ALCHEMY
2013 — DARE
2014 — EMERGE/AUTHENTIC SELF
2015 — RECLAIM
2016 — ACCEPTANCE
2017 — DREAM
2018 — SURRENDER
2019 — SACRED
2020 — SACRED
2021 — INTENTION(AL) also carried SACRED again.

In 2011, I think I achieved that one, as I left an abusive marriage. Depending
on who you talk to, other people would probably say that it was all in my head.
That I was making something out of nothing. But daily gaslighting and living with a
narcissist (after having been raised by one)… my sanity was stake. It felt like things
were escalating and I didn’t want to stick around for things to turn physical, and the signs
for that were there.
The others, even though I chose them or them me, there wasn’t a lot of follow through
with them. Though, I did do a lot of dreaming in 2017.
Sacred isn’t done with me yet. Nor I with it. I’m still seeking my path. Organized religion
isn’t it. I guess I identify mostly as a Pagan, with leanings towards being a Witch, interests
in being a Druid, and interests in the Divine Feminine mostly Celtic Goddesses and
Mary/Mary Magdalene. I’m feeling eclectically chaotic because I feel pulled in so many
directions. I can see myself being a Kitchen/Hedge/Green Witch. I felt called to walk a
different path almost 20 years ago. And here I am, still wandering in circles trying to
figure shit out.

Tomorrow is another doctor’s appointment. This one is to discuss my weight because
according to the BMI index (which is all sorts of f*cked up, but that’s another story) I am
overweight and the doc would like me to try to lose a few pounds. The practitioner I see
tomorrow specialize in metabolism, so I’ll be doing some sort of metabolic tests. I also
need to do a cortisol test because my DHEA is out of whack, DHEA has to do with your
adrenals. Anyway, it’s a too early o’clock appointment and it means no coffee or food.
I’m interested in what she might have to say. I think my weight is hormonal, curious to
see if I am right. But she is expensive and my insurance probably doesn’t cover passed
the initial visit. Hopefully I’ll learn something from the visit that is useful.

Anyway, that’s about all I got for this one. Or at least what I can remember. I’ve only had
this in my drafts for a few days lol.
Happy Tuesday! Have a great week!!

Good Bye November!

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