OH HAI!! Remember Me?

Hey there, Hi there, Ho there…
Oh boy has it ever been a hot minute or what?!

I had not intended to not write for so long.
I guess I kept falling into the “I’ll do it later” and well…it’s certainly later.

I don’t really have a good reason other than I procrastinated for the last
two months I suppose. There were a few heck days in there too. But
life ya know. It does that.

So let’s see, where did I leave off?
I still feel like my cortisol is through the roof. I have some good days but
then I have days were I just feel like I’m waiting for something to go
wrong. The fight or flight is strong on those days.

The 5 pounds I gained, I lost again at my last appointment at the beginning
of March. So that was good. We talked about things I should be limiting,
if not avoiding. I’m trying to be more conscious of what things make me
feel like crap. There are things I just haven’t wanted, that before I would
have probably binged on.
I went to the eye doctor a little over a week ago. They took images of the
inside of my eyes rather than dilate them. Oh my gosh…that was the
coolest thing ever!!!! I’ve never seen the inside of my own eyes before.
He pointed out the nerves and blood vessels, my floaters. The inside of
the eye looks like a nebula and the floaters are like stars. What it did
confirm though, was that I don’t have high blood pressure and there is
no evidence of diabetes damage. I do, however, have the beginnings of a
cataract in my right eye. He said it will be 5 to 15 years before it becomes
troublesome and need to be addressed. My left is okay right now, but it
will eventually follow suit.

Also, found out that the glasses I currently have are too strong. They
overpowered my lenses and so I have been wearing the wrong prescription
for the last two years. My lenses are progressives, so they also made the
spaces in between too narrow. This was the nicest eye doctor I have ever
been to. Not only did I get an exam, but I learned things I never knew. I just
wish glasses, especially lenses weren’t so dang expensive!!

Can I vague rant for a moment?
Why is it that when you do something that was for your own mental wellbeing,
you’re viewed as (or even accused of) being the bad person? That what you did
was selfish and perhaps unnecessary in the eyes of others.
Why do you feel like awful for going no connect with someone(s) who you tried
your damnedest to stay in touch with? Only to be made to feel like you were
imposing on them or interrupting them every time you reached out. That when
you made contact and tried to have a conversation, you were practically ignored.
Again, being made to feel like the things you did for your own mental health
were selfish and that you made it all up.
Am I wrong because I stopped reaching out? Am I wrong or selfish because I
chose my mental health?
*end vague rant…for now*

I’ve fallen off the Yoga wagon. I was doing pretty good for a bit. But this month I’ve
failed miserably. I’ve been having some stronger pelvic pains and so I’ve been
hesitant to do it. I don’t want to make the pain worse.
I’m trying to make better food choices but feel guilty for it. I don’t feel like I’m
missing out for skipping the ice cream or cake or doughnut. I’ve been doing
really good limiting my soda to a half of 16-20 oz. bottle. Some days I can skip it
all together. I am managing on one cup of coffee a day. Every once in awhile, like
today, I’ll have an extra half cup.

I failed once again at the 100 Days Project. I tried, but my hand would hurt every time
I did a page. Maybe I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t decide on anything to
switch to.
Camp NaNoWriMo starts in 3 days. The beauty of Camp is you can pick your own
word count. I haven’t yet picked a goal or a project.

This war…it’s really hitting me hard. These are my people. The land of my ancestors.
I can’t even begin to put how I feel into words.

Hope you have all been well.
I will try not to stay away so long next time.

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