Somethings On Saturday

Somethings this Saturday……A List:

  • It’s going to be another hot one today. 98 with a feel of 101.
    That’s down from the original forecast of 101 with a feel of 103,
    I think it was.  HOT IS HOT!  In the extended forecast there is
    prediction of 104!!!  UGH….I’m gonna melt lol!
  • Checked a few things off the “TO DO” list.  Stopped by the court
    house and picked up my papers for the name change as well as
    a petition to have the court fee waived.  While I was there, I also
    got my passport renewal form.  I learned a few things.  When your
    passport expires, you have five years to renew it at the renewal fee.
    If your name changes after you renew your passport (assume it’s the
    same for first application), you have one year to change it free of charge.
    So that gives me a bit of breathing room and less of feeling OMG I gotta
    do this now!  Think I’m going to go ahead with the renewal since I have
    the money for it now and might not have it if I wait.
  • We have to worm ALL the cats.  Seven of them!!! YUCK! Someone puked
    and there was a worm in it.  Almost all the cats are insiders so there is
    only one really that it is possibly but since they share a box it’s best to
    do them all.  We’ve already done the liquid round, but now we have to
    pill all of them.  That won’t be fun.
  • I haven’t made art in a couple of days and I am missing it.  I just haven’t
    been able to sit long enough to do anything.  It’s been a go go go kinda
    week.  Next week doesn’t look much less hectic.  But I will have to try and
    make some time to do something.
  • Outside of blogging, I haven’t written much again.  Back to the time and
    busy-ness of things lately. I know, that’s not really an excuse but it’s the
    best I have.  Shitty or not, that’s my story lol.

 

Think I’m going to leave it there today.  Have a great weekend.

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Five Things Friday

I’ve been doing a lot of pondering on random stuff lately.
Somethings came to mind when I was reading a newsletter in
my email.  It was one of things that was in the back of my mind
but I didn’t realize it until then.

I thought I might try doing lists on Friday.  Different topics.
Random thoughts.  I know…I’m always or mostly random lol.
I was thinking that today could be “Five Things Friday”, or some
thing like that.  Let’s try it out, shall we?

  1. As I was reading that newsletter, I realized how much I missed bluejays and cardinals.  I have not seen either in 8 years!!! That’s how long it’s been since I
    have been back East or in the South.  I used to get cardinals and bluejays
    in the back yard all the time when I lived in the South.
  2. Whippoorwills!  Oh how I miss their song!!  Again, this was when I was living
    in the South.  I never heard one until then.  They’d start their song near
    sundown or dusk.  It’s been far too long, I can’t remember without looking it
    up. But they’d sing and sing into the late evening.  You could hear them as they
    made their way around the cul-de-sac. It was really fascinating to listen to.
  3. Knishes and New York hot dogs.  You know the ones they cook in the cart in
    what they call “dirty water”.  Knishes are a mashed potato square wrapped in
    a light dough.  I loved mine topped with spicy brown and a slice of cheese.  My
    hot dog had to always have spicy brown and this amazing red onion sauce.
    OH.SO.GOOD!!!
  4. Mercury is kicking my ass.  I sleep, but wake up exhausted.  No amount of
    caffeine is helping.  I’ve been chugging soda daily against my desires to kick the
    habit.  I even caved to a Mtn. Dew yesterday.  I’m ready to pass out after  ten, yet
    my eyes want to spring open at too early o’clock.  I feel restless in between hours
    and sometimes just feel like I’m not getting restful sleep at all.  I’m feeling all sorts
    of edgy and out of sync.  Electronics are SLOW AF!   SIGH!!!!
  5. Our tomato experiment looks like it might be a success.  At least so far.  The plants
    are looking great and there’s about a dozen tomato fruit already.  Can’t wait to taste one!!!!

Okay, so there it is.  I kinda like this idea. Maybe I’ll play with it a bit and see how it feels.

Stay cool if you’re temps are soaring.
If you’re in the quake areas, the fire areas, or the flood/storm areas….please stay safe.

My 100 Days – The End

I did it!!!
I really, REALLY did it!!!

Yesterday was the official 100 Days Project end day.
Today, is mine because I missed one day.

But I did it.
I blogged 100 posts in 100  (and 1) days.
It still bugs me a bit that I missed that one silly day.
Can’t be changed though, it happened.

This is the first I’ve consecutively done something for
this long.
Along the way, I’ve gained some insights.
Had a few A-ha! moments.
Did a good deal of venting at times.

The biggest take away though….
Is that YES! I can do it.
I can write every single day.
Sure this blog isn’t for my book or stories.
But it has been a good way to form a habit
of writing every day.

I think, I will keep going too.
For as long as and as often as I can.
Honestly, I don’t know if I could stop writing
every day now. Not unless something really
came up and kept me from it.

Hats off to everyone that participated in the
#100DaysProject.  And Kudos to everyone
that has reached their goal.  For those still
playing catch up….YOU GOT THIS!  Keep Going!!

Wednesday’s Words

Oh dear!

Up at way too early o’clock for no reason.

It’s already warm-ish and it’s barely 9:30.
71 but feels like 77.

Did you know Accuweather has a mosquito forecast?
It’s at a 6 for my area. I guess it’s on a 1-10 scale.

Waiting on the repair guy to tell us if our dryer is
going to cost a fortune to fix or not.
It’s been squeeking for some time now, but lately
it’s gotten really bad.
Some Googling indicates it’s now a fire hazard. And
so we haven’t been able to do laundry because we don’t
have outside lines and don’t feel safe using the dryer.
Luckily,  it’s only a basket full for me.

Picked up a new blank journal (on clearance) at
Michael’s, along with a couple of Gelatos also on
clearance and their version of a Tombow to try.
Forgot my list at home, so I forgot a few things.
And some I just couldn’t find that I did remember.

This morning I gave myself a heart attack because
I couldn’t find my important papers.
They weren’t were I thought I put them, but found
them where I forgot they were.
But at least I know now and have what I hopefully need.

Need to stop at the court house for two fold reasons.
If there is time today anyway.
If not, then it will have to be next week sometime.

So many things on my list!!
Don’t know what I’ll get to tackle today.
But hopefully something.

Tuesday’s Thoughts

A late, but short post.

I peopled today.
Peopling required tomorrow and
again on Thursday.

No sign of the rattlesnake I heard.
I swear that was what it was,
even if no one believes me!

Mercury is causing some
havoc with the Netflix and Prime.
Lag and buffering …. sigh.

100 days project is almost done.
Only a few more days to go.
I would have skipped today’s post.
But then, I’d be 2 behind and I didn’t
like the thought of skipping. So,
here I am.

And now, off to bed.

Monday’s Musings

I feel wiped out today.
But yet I “flipped” an almost 5-6 foot log over,
with the help of a hand cart/dolly. Still though, getting
it just right and then getting the log to roll and flip.
I might feel it later though.  I don’t know.

Then…I swear…like 90% sure…I heard a rattlesnake in
our weeds.  I went to go see the spot one of dogs ran to
earlier.  And as I came around the other side of the rose
bush I heard something in the bush. I think it was a bird
diving in deeper. I tried to peek but couldn’t see. And when
I stood up, I heard a rattle like sound. I froze and listened.
A minute later, I heard it again and looked around.
I didn’t see anything, but I though oh maybe the Cicada. But
it didn’t sound right for that and besides, I know there’s one
of those up in the trees.  Then I heard it a couple of more times
and almost positive it was a rattlesnake.

We do have them in the state, but the neighbor says he’s never
known them to be around by us here.  Usually the mountainous
areas.  Said he’s never seen one in our fields here.  Still….I know
what I heard.  Needless to say, I cancelled my daily walk for the
day.

I did some more art today.  Got a lesson started, but time ran out
on the videos and I couldn’t finish watching the session.  But I think
I got enough of the gist of it from what I did get to watch.

Mercury is showing off already by messing with Netflix and Prime.
Lag and  buffering, making watching stuff difficult.

I had a bit of toddler duty today.
I got sucked into watching the Baby Shark video.
AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tomorrow is a busy one.
Early drop off for one of Doxies.
He’s having tooth problems and we can’t wait till August
which is there next earliest to schedule an appointment.
Then we’ve got to hit the craft stores for a storage cart.
Which is my excuse to hunt for new toys 🙂
We need to pop over to Home Depot and look for another
cooler/fan dealio.  It’s supposed to be 101 on Saturday!
While I’m there, I plan to check out the sheds again.
Take some notes and such.
Mom has PT in there too.

Better get some rest so I have the energy for tomorrow.

Sunday Round Up

I don’t know what wrong with me this morning.
Up at 6:30, Thanks DOGS!  (NOT!!)  But, okay it’s expected.
There’s five and someone needed to go out. At that point,
they can all just go and do their thing.

Now….I’ve got a breakfast experiment in the oven. I mixed up
some Potatoes O’Brien, fresh mushrooms, diced onion and red
bell pepper, some sausage links with some Olive Oil , garlic salt,
and paprika. Made a well and dropped an egg in it.  We’ll see.
Now, I’m fixing to put a batch of brownies in the oven!!
Cleaned up my dirty dishes. And it’s barely 9:30 and only one
cup of coffee!!!

But there is a beautiful breeze right now, some sun and some
clouds. There’s a grasshopper hanging out on the backdoor
screen.  I’ve heard the woodpecker and the magpies this morning.

Yesterday, for the first time in at least months I picked up the brush
and my art journal to do a class from Art Is Magic – Online.  It’s the free
preview weekend I guess you can call it. The one that called to me to do
was Denise Daffara’s “Priestess on My Page”.  I didn’t go hunting for
imagery.  I used what Denise was using and more or less “copied”  the
“tile work” border.

I almost messed up the face.  And thought I did for a moment.  I was
having issues with the face color and thought I made mud. Then, I sort
made the cheeks too dark but I couldn’t do more because the paper was
starting to do that “too wet” thing.  I need to change the background around
her from the yellow. It was too bright. So I accidentally thinned out some
brick red enough that it ended up looking like a wash.  I skipped the finer
details of decorating her veil and robe for now as I can’t seem to find the right
pens.  I thought I had a silver and gold, but if I did I can’t find them.  Still, I’m
pleased enough with the page.  Definitely was fun enough to want to try another.

I tried to do the Earth Guardian session, but I’m not pleased with how my
pastel owl is coming out.  So I put it aside for now.  And I wanted to do Whitney
Freya’s session, but I don’t have pigmented water color powder/crystals.  And
I didn’t want to try to do it with my cheap watercolor set.  At least, not yesterday.
Today, I think I will dive in to the  Ancient Symbols segment.

I felt good to paint again.  I think maybe I have a  temporary set up to work by
my computer and watch class videos.  The table could be a little longer, so I’m
not spilling over onto my desk.  But I can make due for the moment.  Now, I can
catch up stuff I’ve missed because I didn’t have a workable set up.

We may have ruffled some feathers because we couldn’t go to a birthday party
we didn’t know was happening until the evening before.

Verdict on the breakfast experiment….
Not bad.  It’s no Denny’s skillet, but it’ll make do.
I could have let the veggies back a hair longer, but then I think my egg would
have been over cooked.  Onions are a tad too crunchy. But the rest is fine.
Maybe I could have used a larger dish so it could have spread more evenly?
Either way, I think it’s a decent attempt.

Enjoy your Sunday.

On Detached And Disconnected

This is the post I’ve been trying to put into words for a couple of months now.
I still don’t feel like I have the right words for it.

It’s almost a clear sky morning.  There’s an ever so light breeze, and the sun is
shining.  It’s supposed to be 94 today.  Right now it is 69.

I am grateful to the dogs that they let me “sleep” until 6:45.  I didn’t sleep well
though, so even though they didn’t get me up at o-dark-thirty it feels like I did.
Jumbled dreams, keeping an ear out for the dogs, things in general just feeling
unsettled.  Maybe it’s the earthquakes.  Even though I don’t feel them here in
Idaho, maybe it’s the energy of them?

I was watching Suzi Blu’s video this morning that she posted to FB a couple days ago.
In it she mentioned a few things that were a bit of a light bulb moment for me.

If you’ve followed along, you know that I am the child of an alcoholic father.  I now
wonder if my mother wasn’t a closet alcoholic. I know she was unstable at best a lot
of the time. Whether it was pure narcissism or some undiagnosed condition, I don’t know.

All my life, I always felt disconnected. Like I was on the outside looking in. Always having to watch, but not being able to participate even if in the midst of things.  I have always felt invisible and like I had no voice, that I couldn’t be seen or heard.

I believe at some point, I think, my mother told me not to get attached to people or things.  That I shouldn’t trust or be open.

Some where along the way, I think I got broken.  I feel like sometimes  it no longer matters if people are no longer in my life or something happens.  I call it “feeling numb”.

I can remember as a little girl, wondering why my daddy got drunk and yelled all the time.  I can’t say with certainty that things were non-violent then, but I don’t think they were.  His rage, his yelling was always directed at my mother.  It was a rare occasion if he turned it on me. Because he would always yell in Polish, I never knew what he was going on about.  I used to think it was because I wasn’t allowed to learn the language, but now I think it might be because I learned to tune it out.  To detach, to disconnect.

I used wonder what could I do differently to make him not want to drink and get drunk. I remember what a different person he was after his job mandated him to go to AA.  It lasted about three months.

In high school, on the advice of a school counselor, I was told to try Al-a-teen. The adult leader of the group would tell us it wasn’t our fault that our loved one was an alcoholic. That it was a disease.  But that we should detach ourselves from the situation because it wasn’t our problem, it wasn’t our fault.  Little did I know, I had learned to do that from a young age. Only now, I had “permission”.

I went through a series of abusive relationships of one form or another. One being with an alcoholic and possible drug addict. I thought I could fix him even though I knew what he did to a former friend.  I think it was then, that I learned to disconnect from my body to cope with the physical abuse and the sexual assault from him.  I learned to numb myself from the physical pain.

Because of this learned behavior, I didn’t recognize that I was even in an abusive marriage for several years. Since it wasn’t physical, I didn’t know the signs.  Plus, I relied on old behavior patterns to protect myself without knowing it.  I just knew something wasn’t right, that there must be something I could do to fix it.  But, no matter how hard I tried or what I did nothing was ever good enough.  And so again, I began to detach and disconnect.

I failed over and over again to see or feel the toll it was taking physically.  I didn’t recognize or acknowledge the pain I was feeling. It was always chalked up to that I was weak, that I was out of shape, that I was just a pansy.  Or as I jokingly say now, ” a delicate flower”.

This learned behavior has made me numb and indifferent to so many things.  And when I do feel an emotion, I then feel guilty for feeling it.  I feel guilty if I shed tears.  I feel guilty if I get angry.  I feel guilty if I feel happy.  I feel like I deserve the bad stuff that happened or will/might happen. I feel unworthy of happiness of any form.  I feel like I am always, Always, ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I realized that whether I know it or not, I am constantly if fight or flight mode.  I’m always waiting for the next bad thing.  I am constantly braced for impact.  And then I wonder, why does my body hurt.  But I think, sometimes, I don’t feel the full brunt of the physical pain because I stay too on guard.

I fully believe I have trauma induced fibro.  Is that a thing?  If not, I am making it a thing. It’s my thing.  I fully believe I have C-PTSD.  I have just learned to cope, I think.  It is a bit scary to think what would happen and how would I feel if I let myself feel safe, to let myself relax, to let my guard down.  To just be.  To just feel all the feels and all the things.

I don’t know how to break this behavior of being detached and disconnected. It has become my shield for so long.  My walls as I have called them in the past. I think though, that it is part of the reason I am so stuck.  Why I have trouble writing or making art or practicing photography.  I think if I let myself do these things without abandon, that I will feel things I am unprepared to feel.  I am afraid I might find happiness and success that I feel like I am not allowed to have.  I am afraid to find out what it would be like if I allowed myself to heal fully.

I think, all I can do is try to disassemble it one brick at a time no matter how long it takes.

Friday Round Up

It was a warm one today.
Supposed to be worse tomorrow.
Then, it will be cooler for a couple days.
I think that’s how it said to be anyway.
Things change lately at the drop of a hat.
What you see forecast today, might not be
that tomorrow.  Weather is just crazy and
all over the place.

Dome of heat over Alaska, who is looking at 90’s!
Earthquake and after shocks in California.
Tornado in China!
Crazy shit!!

Grateful that the noise was minimal yesterday.
All at a distance and nothing to upset the puppers.
All quiet by about 11:30.

The cows came home today!!!
YAY!!!
I’m always happy when they come home.
They weren’t far, but too far for me to see everyday.

I’ve been trying to walk to the mailbox everyday, and back.
My “exercise” I guess you could call it.  My few minutes
alone.  Sometimes I take Fred with me, especially
when he’s having a rough day and feeling down.  He
walks so good on a leash.
The last couple of days, there’s a bird that flies up to the power line
and peeps at me.  I have started peeping back at it and now
I think we’re having a sort of conversation.
Tonight as I approached the spot, I peeped first and it flew up
from out of the weeds in the field when I did. It then sat on the
line and peeped at me the whole time.
I’m thinking of bring some birdseed down after we get some more.

The writing is getting a little unfocused at the moment.
So I feel like I am struggling a bit.
I think it is because I am not working in my usual manner.
When I go to write fiction, I am not one to sit at the key board and
write straight away.
I have to write long hand, get the words down on paper. Then go
to the keyboard and fill in the gaps as I type it up.  My brain
just seems to work better that way.
I think I am going to skip the story writing tonight, so I can think
some things through. Then tomorrow spend some time hand
writing things out.  Give my brain a bit of a break in that sense.

Hope you all had a good Friday!!

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July

It’s not one of my favorite days.
I don’t do well with fireworks if I am near them or they near me.
I’m fine at a distance, like a good bit a way.  But if you are doing
them next to me, yeah I’m out.

My mother in her infinite wisdom thought it was hilarious to throw
lit packs of  firecrackers at my feet when I was around 4 or 5 years old.
A few years later, we were walking home from the local supermarket
parking lot where we just watched the Macy’s display on the river when
some people were out with their kids on the street shooting some off.
One kid had one of candle things that shoot balls of color, Roman Candle? I
think and was aiming it at people. Another kid was shooting bottle rockets
at people.  My mother got hit twice by these kids. Had burn holes in her
shirt. These kids, nor the adults “supervising” apologized.  They laughed
and thought it was hilarious.

Years later, my daughter burned the bottom of her foot after unwittingly
stepping on an ember from a spent firework.

So I am not particularly fond of these things. And our Bassett hates the loud
booms. He’s not a fan of thunderstorms or hunters either.  Hopefully it won’t
be bad and we won’t have to pill him tonight.

Add in all the atrocities happening in this country.
It’s hard to feel any pride or patriotism.

So, I will just stay in.
Stay quiet.
And wait for the day to pass.
Stay safe.

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