Year Ending Post

Farewell 2018.  A year of ups and downs, a year of lessons, and for the good and the bad I thank you because there was something to be learned regardless.

This is the year I learned that not only do I have chronic pain, but I have bone spurs in my spin, neuropathy, and some early degeneration things going on. It’s the year I learned to surrender (which was my word for 2018) to my body. That I can’t always do the things I want to do.  That pushing myself physically isn’t always the wisest option. That I really need to learn to practice self-care.  I hope to find a caring doctor that is willing to listen to me.

I am, I think anyway, learning to come to terms that I am not everyone’s cup of tea.  For some, I am too much.  For others, I am not enough.  Some have decided I’m something I am not based off things others have said and don’t want to take the time to even get to know me.  Much of my life I have spent trying to fit myself into someone else’s box to fill their version of me.  I can’t keep doing that anymore, not for anyone whether friend or family.  I have to be true to myself.  This isn’t a coffee vs tea, Coke vs Pepsi kind of thing. There are times where compromise and change might be warranted, but if it means I have to give up my soul and identity for you….no more.

I am hoping to be more creative in 2019. I am a student in Tam’s Lifebook this year.  I am excited to take part in the classes being offered.  I wish I was taking Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy, and Wanderlust with Kasia.  Honestly the list of classes I want to take is endless, I just don’t have the funds to partake.  I was fortunate to win the spot in Lifebook.

I want to write more this year.  Hopefully to start by blogging more often. Then maybe a goal of 250 words a day.  Start low, build up momentum.  I am so far from the novel I dreamed of writing 14 years ago. I can’t even remember where I was going with it.  When I read my words, it seems so foreign to me.  I keep my binder of writing out where I can see it as reminder.  I have new ideas that I am jotting down as they come, but nothing that has formed into a story yet.

I hope to really learn my camera this year.  I’ve only had it for  3 years!  I think it’s time I learned the ins and outs of it by using the advanced settings.  Sure it’s easy to use the presets and just point and shoot, but I have a compact for that.  I want to learn to use the F stops and such.

Lastly, my word for 2019 is SACRED.  This word scared me when it came to me right after thanksgiving.  I wasn’t even looking for my word yet, I figured I had at least a couple of weeks before I started to give it some thought.  But it came out of the blue and I wanted to run for the hills.  Words like sacred, prayer, holy remind me of church and things that no longer ring true for me if they ever did. I think sometimes I believed because I was told I had to, and when I was old enough to know better I discovered things were just  not right.

Over a decade ago, when I started to think differently a Goddess came to me and called to me.  Now, I didn’t know anything about Goddesses and Gods really outside of Greek and Roman mythology.  The Goddess Cerridwen called to me, but I didn’t know how to  answer.  So far all the years since I have been just sort of wandering in circles, looking at different paths.  Hedgewitch, eclectic witch, Green witch, druid, and so on.  All have things that appeal to me, but again still wandering aimlessly.  I think she and Brigid have always been there, waiting patiently.  And I think she is calling to me again.  That it’s time to follow.

I still don’t know how to follow or what it will mean to follow either or both of them.  I don’t know how I will honor them or where this will lead.  Or if I will receed back into shadow and hide because I don’t know WTF I am even doing.  This time around though, I am willing to be willing.  I will try not to shy away. I will try to not let the snickers and snide comments get to me if that happens.

I don’t know where the word Sacred will care me to this coming year.  So far it has come to me that my art will be a prayer and a practice.  I have a feeling that I will learn that I am a Sacred  vessel, that my words are holy and have meaning.  I am still very drawn to Mary Magdalene and the Virgin Mary, St. Dymphna too is in there somewhere.   So maybe they will play a part in all this too.  All I can do is be open and willing.

So to my word, Sacred, to the Marys, to the Goddesses, to my Muse or Muses….I am ready, I am willing, I am open.

To all of my readers here, thank you for following along with my ramblings and thank you for reading them.  I wish you all the brightest blessings, much love, health, prosperity, and joy in the coming year.  Here’s to a wonderful 2019!



Oh HI! It’s Been Awhile.

Well it’s been a hot minute now, hasn’t it? I didn’t intend to be away so long.  But life, you know how that goes.   I kept meaning to post and then the day would  escape me.

Pain has been roller coastering for the last few months.  Besides having Chronic Pain, I have now been told I have some sort of neuropathy but I can’t recall the type.  I think some sort of early osteoarthritis, early degeneration, bone spurs in my lower spine.  And finally they are not going to rule out Fibromyalgia.  But they aren’t confirming either.  What pisses me off is that they have known for over a year about the bone spurs and failed to inform me.  After my xrays, the doctor had the nurse call me and she said everything was okay on them but I should still go for an MRI.  Now a year later, I get told all these things by the student doctor.  He is the only one that has taken the time to listen and check a few things.  I don’t want meds, so I’m learning to listen when my body wants to rest.  If it means a day in bed with Downton Abbey on, then so be it.

For the last, almost month now, I’ve been taking care of “Mom”.  She had a knee replacement end of October.  I think she is recovering a lot faster than her first one.  There’s been a few differences, but many things have been better and a few that are the same as last time.  In the almost 11 months between her two replacements, we have noticed a few differences in procedure and such.  But overall, I think things are good.

I am really hoping to be back to blogging on a more regular basis.  At least weekly, if nothing else.

Hope you all had a good thanksgiving and have a safe weekend.


Never Forget

I had thoughts of another post for today, but it can wait.

Today is a day I cannot forget.  A day I never imagined I would ever see.  The thought of something like that happening never even crossed my mind.  But 17 years ago today, the unimaginable happened.  The world changed.

It’s one of the days I most dread every year.  The day my beloved NYC was forever changed and scarred.  The day we lost so many.  And to this day, we are still losing people to that day.

I was supposed to be at the Twin Towers that day with my girls who were then 8 and 5 years old.  It was our last ‘big’ outing before we flew back to Georgia with my Grandma.  The plan was to get up early and hit the City.  We were going to go see the towers, South Street Seaport, Trinity Church and whatever else I could manage to squeeze in.  But Fate had other plans.

Late the night before, my oldest had the worst nose bleed she’d ever had. I was close to taking her to an ER, it was that bad.  So we were up most of the night, unable to sleep because she was so afraid it would start again. Morning came and we were all tired.  I figured we’d just get started a little later than I planned.

My Grandma was getting ready to go and get her hair done one last time by her beautician.  She was going to say good bye to all her friends.  We were flying out in a day or two, so she wanted to make her rounds and bid farewells.  She said she was turning on the radio to hear the weather, which by looking out the window was a beautiful sunny day. Instead of hearing the weather, we were hearing the report of smoke pouring out of one of the towers.  I knew it was good, something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

We immediately turned on the TV.  I don’t think the realization had hit that a plane was in the building. As we watched the first tower burn, we were horrified to see a plane flying towards the second tower.  I remember standing in her kitchen waving my hands trying to shew the plane away from the building yelling at it to move or turn away.  Horrified, we watched it strike the building.

We continued to watch in stunned silence as we hoped that people would be rescued and lives would be saved.  Then we watched them fall one by one.  If we looked out her kitchen window, we could see the smoke billowing up from the towers.  And we watched as the cloud crept closer to where we were across the river in Brooklyn a mere 3 miles away.

What was even more  startling, was the pure silence that fell upon us as all air traffic was brought to a halt.  Living near two major airports, three if you count Newark it was unnerving to not hear planes flying over head.  And then came the fighter jets.  By pairs they swept over the skies.

I could have walked down to the corner of her block and gotten a view of the destruct that was just brought upon the city. But I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t bring myself to go look. Seeing it on TV was bad enough and having to watch it being replayed over and over, to want to look away or turn it off but you can’t because you try to hold out hope that they would find some survivors in the rubble.

I was for once grateful to be back in Georgia, when we were finally able to fly out.  We had cable and we could finally watch something else other than the endless coverage.  Or at least the kids could, my Grandma and I were still glued to the aftermath being televised.

I can’t do that anymore.  I can’t rewatch it over and over like we did in the days and weeks that followed.  It’s difficult to even watch a few clips.

But I will never ever forget.

Today Is Hard

I’m trying to keep it together today.

I’m trying not to cry.


A year ago today, I lost my sweet fur baby. She died in my arms as we tried to rush her to the vet. We didn’t make it out of the driveway.

She chose me, I don’t know why.  I miss the joy I got when I would see how happy she was to see me first thing in the morning.  She was constantly by my side.  She was coming to me when it happened. The thing I don’t talk about. The thing that reminds me everyday why she’s not here.

She chose me from the moment she first opened her eyes.  Her  good morning mews we the sweetest thing.  I miss her snuggling on my shoulder, burying her face in my hair as she softly purred in my ear.

Today just hurts……..A LOT.  I didn’t even want to get out of bed.  I would be content to bury myself in the blankets and Netflix the day away. But I can’t.  Because you know, I am supposed to be ‘over it’.


How Is It July 31 Already?

I feel like I was just asking this question a month ago about how is it the end of June. I can’t wrap my brain around how the days just seem to fly by anymore.  What happened to when I was a kid and time went by so slowly? When summer vacations seemed to last forever.

As the days race by, I feel like I am no closer to do the things I want to do. To accomplishing my goals. To achieving my dreams.  Instead, I feel like time is slipping away into oblivion.  Which just makes FOMO (fear of missing out) all the more intense. I hate missing out on classes I want to take and seminars I want to watch.  Because sometimes, life just doesn’t let me watch when they are sent out.  And when you only have say 24 hours to watch it, but life has other ideas I feel like I have missed out on something good.

Then I think about all the opportunities I pass up to go out and take photos outside.  All because it’s been too hot and the air too thick with smoke coming in from the wildfires. I ventured out to the mailbox a bit ago and I honestly thought I was going to have to borrow his inhaler because it’s that bad out there.  You can visibly see the smoke hanging in the air. And this is just stuff coming in from California!  And maybe Nevada and Oregon. Not that we don’t have our own fires burning in Idaho, but those are all pretty much North of us and stuff is coming up from the Southwest.

We are under a heat advisory through tomorrow.  It’s supposed to be a worse day.  I don’t know if they mean heat, smoke, or both.  Either way, no matter what you do it’s pretty terrible.  We look like  we might finally be getting a break in the heat, at last!  I saw a high of 88 for Saturday.  We were joking that we’d be breaking out the long pants and shirts because it will be too cool LOL.  I doubt we will though.  68, maybe but not 88.

I’m not sure if I’m going to make my word count goal.  I ended up dropping it from my original goal. But as of right now, I am still about 1700 words short of another win.  I might not making, but then again I haven’t really pushed for it this month.  Not with all the stuff we had going on and then getting back into the house.

Maybe it’s just all the heat and smoke clouding my brain, making it hard to write.  I’m not fairing too well with the heat.  I seem to have grown my sensitive to it this year, I’ve never been like this before.  I’m just adding it to the long list of growing symptoms.  Seems like I no sooner adjust to have a new one, another pops up.  Not fun at all to say the least.

What’s Happening

Well, let’s see….It’s been twenty days since I last blogged here.  I have been doing a little be over at Blogger, but nothing consistent.  And I have barely written much fiction.  Did I even?  I don’t think so.  So I am failing at Camp NaNoWriMo this time around.  If I get my act together, put my ass in the chair I might make it to ten thousand.  Just means I need to revise my goal.

The whole no computer thing, wasn’t really too bad.  Well it was and it wasn’t.  The tablet is great and all, but it is nothing like the computer.  I can do a search on both and get a different result on each. Viewing pages on the tablet can be annoying, especially if it is something that has a lot of ads and pop ups.  I would write long hand, probably should have.  Only when I am trying to write, and I am surround by  family I just can’t do it.  Too many distractions, chit chat, questions. So I am very behind my original goal.  But I am not going to beat myself up for it. I am human and life happens.

Since getting back into the house and “moving” in, with moving stuff  back and cleaning which was supposed to be done by the company that was to fix the house. I spent the earlier part of the month working through the workshops offered in the summer session of Woman Unleashed.  SO.MUCH.GOOD.STUFF!!!  Old favorites like Tam from Willowing and Shiloh Sophia taught.  But then I learned from some new to me ladies like Lou Reed.

One them that kept coming up for me was Let Go, Let Go, LET GO!
That the time of the lone wolf was over.  This was an A-HA! moment because up until I watched this workshop I was feeling very much like the lone wolf.  No friends, no family near by.  Most of my friends are online friends, but even then…I don’t know, most that I  thought we had a kinship with haven’t pulled away or disappeared entirely.
Authenticity or Authentic Voice. This has been a big one on my radar.  I don’t feel heard or seen. I’ve struggled with being heard all my life.
Bring things into fruition.
Be Open, Try New Things, Listen To Spirit.
Release the shoulds, enter a place of freedom.

There was this one workshop with Dr. Kellee.  Which was on Mindful Health or supposed to be. It was one of those that the topic changed last minute.  It came down to How You Want To Feel vs Undesired Ways Of Being vs Desired Ways Of Being.  While she normally would use this with weight loss, I found nuggets that could apply to several situations.  For instance, I want to speak my truth, be authentic, live an intentionally creative life. But I always stop short of stepping into these things.  And one of the things that stops me is FEAR.  We all know what that feels like.  It’s not just the fear of not being good enough and all the things that go with that.  It’s also the fear of they won’t like me if I am the real me.  So I try to fit myself into everyone else’s box of who and what they want me to be, so that they will be happy.  Something I need to work on.

The big thing from Monique’s session was this “Your Presence On This Earth Is Intentional AND On Purpose.”  I mean….WOW!!!!!!!!  I don’t know why I am here, but there is a reason for it.  Maybe one day I’ll discover what it is, maybe I won’t.   But holy hell that’s a powerful statement.

And from Beth’s session, “THE MAGIC IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR”.  Wow!   So if I can get to the other side, the magic can happen.

So many nuggets.  So much wisdom, good stuff, inspiration.  My problem is though, I get all “FUCK YEAH! LET’S DO THIS!” during the sessions and a few days after when I’m still riding the high of it.  Then I crash and burn, the gremlin voices take over and all that fire fizzles out and I end up doing nothing.  I am so tired of being on that ride.  I want to keep the fires burning, I want to see what’s on the other side.  I want the magic to happen.  I want to show up and do the work.  I want to kick those gremlins square in the ass.  But how to get to that point and stick to it.  AH…the $64,000 question.

Then we come to the pain.  I have to go for a check before September.  Just routine, annually how you doing type thing.  I’ve got new stuff happening.  Some old stuff happening more frequently.  I shudder at the thought of even trying to discuss any of it with the doctor. He seems to want to just label it as chronic pain in general and leave it at that. When I last asked if it could be fibro, he shrugged it off and said maybe then changed the subject.  I don’t really have the option to change doctors.  I kind of stuck right now.  Unless I got Medicaid or we as a country went to a Universal Healthcare System, I’m pretty much stuck.  The one doctor that I think might listen is an OB/GYN and he only works for the clinic twice a month. I can only see him if I am referred!  He’s kind of a friend of the family’s and even though OB is his speciality, he does deal with women’s health.  He has a private practice, but I can’t afford the visit.  So, I am basically stuck.

It’s another triple digit day here in the Treasure Valley.  We’ve had an unusually long heat wave of triple digits.  In the seven years I’ve been here, I don’t remember having this many days in a row with no break. No relief in sight.  We haven’t had rain since a cloud sneezed in June. No take that back. It was a little over a week ago, maybe two.  There was a lot of wind, lots of dust walls.  When that finally settled, I went to gather up the little things that tried to blow away. And all we got was a handle full of drops, not even enough to get anything wet. Goodness only knows when we will get rain.   And all the fires  burning around us in California, Nevada, Oregon, and Northern Idaho makes for poor air quality and smoke riddled skies. On the really bad days, you can smell the fires.

Well, I think I’ve brought this up to speed, without boring you with the details of my new pains.  Have a great weekend and hopefully I’ll be back to blogging regular again, as long as my hands can handle it.

Weekend Round Up

Warmer today, going to be even warmer tomorrow.  This is supposed to be the week from hell temperature wise.  Even though it was warmer, at one point it felt nicer outside than it did inside.

I tried to take it easy today.  Pains are kind of getting up there.  Now I get to experience something new.  I’ve had it before, mostly happened when I was living in the South though and only during my cycle.  Yesterday was pretty much the first time that it happened that wasn’t associated with my cycle.  My feet and ankles swelled up some, there was a bit of tingling, and my ankles were light red and a little warm.  They were better by morning, but I’ve felt it trying to come on all afternoon. So I’ve been trying to either elevate my feet or walk around a bit more often.

So I spent the day trying to catch up on some art retreat classes. I also have to, want to go through the Women Unleashed sessions before they expire.  I have missed out on so much without my computer.  My tablet is only capable of so much and my Olde Faithful laptop can’t handle videos.

I want to maybe start to paint the sketch I did from one of the classes earlier, but I really don’t know how much longer I can sit here.  Between my hips, back, neck, and my new fun experience I don’t think it will be for long at all.

I’m behind right now on Camp NaNo.  Not very much, but still.  Behind is behind for me and I don’t like playing catch up.  Add that to my list of goals for the week.

Last of the rooms is almost put back together. Waiting for the rug to finish drying and weighing out where we want things to go.  Then, after that it’s just the little things. Books on shelves, nick-nacks, that sort of thing.  Once that is all complete, pain levels and weather not withstanding I hope to give my room a good going over with the vacuum. Even with doors closed, it’s amazing just how much dry wall dust gets around.

If you’re in the hot zones, do try to stay cool and hydrated.  I know I will be trying to.

Quote Of The Day

I have been mulling things around trying to think of things to blog about.  I have a thought trying to formula and put to words, but I am not there yet.

The temps are creeping up to the triple digits this week.  Yesterday wasn’t too bad, but it was hotter today and will be getting hotter through the week.  Trying to adjust to being heat sensitive is a new thing.  I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I never used to be like this.  Even last summer I wasn’t this sensitive.  I can only wonder what the cold will be like.

Pain levels are increasing. I’m trying to push through it until everything is finished up, like furniture moved and such.  I don’t know how successful I will be at pushing the limits because I really am feeling it.  I have to, I just can’t sit by not with Momma T having hurt her back a couple weeks back.  She probably shouldn’t even be doing what she is doing either.  But …. again… we have to.

There’s a lot to do around here now that the house is fixed up.  We have a room that needs repainted, there’s a story there. Did I already tell ya’ll?  Before I go and repeat myself, I’ll be sure to check. Just not right now lol.  We have a room that needs to be moved back into.  Still getting the kitchen sorted, the counters end up acting as catch all for stuff to be sorted.  The Momma T’s sewing room needs to be put back to order so she can get to sewing on her mounting project list.  Maybe it’s not a lot of stuff, just a bunch of tedious little things.

So about that quote.  It came across one of my feeds a few days ago, I don’t remember which one I saw it on.  But, it’s by Hannah Gadsby from “Nanette” that is currently available on Netflix.  It really struck me and has been on my mind since.  I hope to watch the show soon.  I found this image on Google.

hannah gadsby quote

How powerful is that??

It’s HOT!

I guess I don’t tolerate the heat very well anymore.  Even when I was in Florida, I think I handled it better than this.  Honestly, it’s awful.  Satan’s ass crack hot today and only going to get hotter.  Momma T got a nifty thermometer gadget for her birthday and at one point it said the outside temp was 114.  114! In fucking Idaho!  I called the gadget a liar!

But in all seriousness, I just  can’t handle the heat.  Seems like anything past 85 these days and I feel like I am melting.  Past 90 and I feel like a puddle.  We have all the fans running just about also the water cooler.  Did I mention we don’t have A/C?  I think back to when I was a kid and wonder how I survived the heat.  I sear it didn’t even phase me back then.

We’ve been trying to “move” back into the house.  Tough to do when it’s so hot.  There’s no relief in sight for at least the next two weeks either. So we’ll just have to  take it easy and do what we can.  To make matters worse, neither Mom or I can do a whole lot anyway.  Me with my pains and she hurt her back a couple weeks ago.  We make a fine pair.

I’m whining. I’m sorry.  I get like that when it’s this hot. Think cool thoughts!

Finally Done

Work is finally done!  Now to clean!  There is dry wall dust every where!  We thought we were supposed to have a cleaning crew and steam cleaner come do the carpets.  It’s on the break down sheet. But, it seems doubtful this company that was supposed to do the work will see it done.  All they get is the money, they don’t do any of the actual work.  It’s such bull shit.  If we had only known!  But what’s done is done. We have a roof and a ceiling.  We can start living again.

It’ll be nice to have my computer back.  Much as I love my old faithful here, it’s really slow.  I can’t use it for much more than writing, especially after August when Firefox will no longer support this version of Windows.  That part sucks, even though it is slow I have liked being on it again.

Hoping to sleep a little later tomorrow.  If not later, at least more restful.  Having to get up is one thing, but when your afraid you’ll over sleep and wake up to workers in the house….not so restful.

Supposed to be a hot one tomorrow. Today’s high was only said to be around 77, not sure what it was but tomorrow they are saying 95 or 97 depending on who you believe. Whatever it will be, it will definitely be a hot one!  I’m not a fan of hot.  Is it Fall yet?

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