Home Stretch Plans

October 6 – What are my plans for the last few months of the year?

Here we are in the last quarter of the year, the Home Stretch.  What I would like to do in these last weeks is actually something I’ve been thinking about.  I seem to be noticing a pattern too. Every year, around the end of September, I start looking towards the coming end of the year.  I think I about what I have done, but more about what I haven’t done that I wanted to do.  I try to figure out how much of it I can cram in and then think if I really want to do that.  That just feels like I’m doing something for the sake of doing. In the end, I usually end up not doing any of it and finish the year with regrets and a vow to do better the next year.

Now I can’t say with honesty that this year won’t play out the same way.  The first three quarters, while I had all the intentions of doing things not a whole lot got done.  I’ve stated in previous posts that I don’t wish to continue that pattern.

For the rest of this year, I want to continue with blogging.  I am hoping to carve out some time and set up a writer’s journal.  While I am doing that, I want to think over and come up with a story for NaNoWriMo.  This is actually “Prep-tober”, the month in which you prep for your 50,000 word marathon in November by coming up with characters, plot, scenes, settings, etc.

I am hoping to get started and work on another canvas.  I am hoping to work in my journal of my own personal journey I am calling “A Year With My Muse”.  I am going to try my damnedest to catch up with BOD!  I wish I was doing Lifebook and BOD next year, but we can’t afford either of them.  Not having money to take classes from the people I really want to learn from sucks donkey balls!!!!  I wish I could take one of Chris Zydel’s and/or Shiloh Sophia’s courses.  Some day maybe if I play the lotto and hit said lotto I can do all those things.  But in the mean time, it will have to be done in my dreams.

My hope for the rest of this year is that I will focus on my art and writing (and blogging). At least that’s the plan in my head.

 

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Would I Do It Differently?

October 5 – If I could do anything differently right now, what would it be?

Sometimes, I will sit and think “If I knew then, what I knew now I would (fill in the blank). And then I think, “no, maybe I wouldn’t because then this or that wouldn’t happen or I wouldn’t have this or that.” Then I go on to think, “well if something was really meant to happen or I really meant to encounter a particular person it would have happened anyway.”

So, honestly, I don’t know if I would do things differently.  I think though, maybe in some aspects or even in another life, I would have made different choices.  Fought harder against something, fought harder for something.  Not let certain things happen to me. Not let certain people do the shit they did in my life.  But then it goes back to maybe some of these things were meant to happen for the life lessons they were intended to teach me. Some of those I could have really done without, really could have done without some of that shit.

Things did happen and I can’t change that.  People hurt me, I can’t change that either. I made mistakes and hurt people myself, I can’t change the things I’ve done.  I can strive to do better and not make the same mistakes.

This all comes back to If I Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I feel like I’m one the fence.  As I’m sitting here, writing this post and thinking about it.  Knowing I already said I wouldn’t.  Now I think, maybe I would make different choices.  I just don’t know if I would do things differently.  Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe I haven’t learned what it is I am supposed to learn yet.  I’ve read that you tend to keep repeating things throughout each lifetime you live until you learn what needs learning from it.  I’ve heard that you will keep repeating encounters with certain people (or types of people) until you break the cycle.  Sometimes I believe in the whole past life stuff, other times I’m not so sure.

So let’s just leave it at I might.

Pride

October 4 – What am I super proud of?

Two things right now.

That I finished that 30 day blog along.  That really was a big deal for me. Not just the blogging part, but the actual writing.  It’s not NaNoWriMo numbers, but it shows me that I can write every day.  Some days the posts came near the 1000 words mark, others fell short. The amount of words wasn’t the point of the exercise last month.  By continuing to write on the blogs, I am strengthening myself not only to write on them but to also do a successful NaNo.  I know I probably shouldn’t look at a loss as a defeat, because any words I write for a story are more than I had before I started.  But I do look at it that way sometimes.  These posts are helping me so much by showing me I can commit to writing if I want it bad enough.

The other thing I am totally proud of is that I finished my first ever canvas.  Well it feels finished right now.  I just need to put the little do-dad on the back so I can hang it on the wall properly.  I’ve never finished a large to me (16×20) canvas, EVER!  Heck, I’ve never even painted on one before this.  I’ve done a couple of canvas boards, 5×7 size and I think an 8×10.  But that was the extent.  So doing this, felt really good.  I didn’t even know if I would like painting on canvas.  Honestly, I was sure I was going to hate it.  But I enjoyed it.  I’ve already got a larger blank canvas up on my easel!

my butterfly

Lighting could have been better for the photo. I kinda like it. You can’t see the shimmer paint that I put in places on it.  I’m trying to decide if I want to use it over the entire painting, or leave it as I have it. That’s probably the only thing I’d think of adding.

Gratitude

October 3 – What do I have to be grateful for?

Even when it doesn’t seem like it, there is always something to be grateful for. Sometimes, we get so bogged down in our own muck and shit and despair we might not see it. At least, not clearly.  We’ve all been there a time or two, or many, you know it.

If you knew me seven years ago, I was bogged down the muck that was my life of living with a narcissist.  I found little I could be grateful for, I found little I could be truly happy about. I didn’t think I had a way out. It was…rough to put it mildly.

I am grateful for the people I had that didn’t give up on me.  The people that helped me find my way out, that gave me a hand up and out of my  despair.  I am grateful to those people for putting a roof over my head and food in my belly.  I am grateful to ears that listen when I have to vent. I am grateful to the shoulder to cry on when I need to shed tears.

I am grateful that my daughters are healthy and hopefully happy. I am grateful for all our fur babies. I am grateful for the little things that have the ability to make one happy. I am grateful for the fall weather and the ability to wear my cozy sweatshirts.

So very grateful for so many things and people.  It really is the little things in life that bring happiness and gratitude.

(image found on Google)

gratitude-practices

 

 

Hope

October 2 – What are my hopes for the coming month?

Hopes? Well, I hope to show up daily to the blog.  I also hope to show up to the easel or the journal a bit more this month.

I am actually cracking up and reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julie Cameron. artistway

I’ve tried to do morning pages before.  I’ve tried to do them as afternoon pages.  Evening pages. And it never seems to work out.  I fall off the wagon before it actually even gets rolling.  I think part of the reason is well, I’ve never read the book.  I have had it for maybe two years now, and on the shelf it sat. So I figured now is as good a time as any to work through the book and read it. I understand it isn’t for every body.  For every person that swears by this book, there is a person who dislikes it.

I’m starting my faux-skine thing.  Well, I opened it, but I didn’t know what to do in it.  So I just wrote some words relating to what my hope for this is.  I guess I could add that to my list of hopes for this month is to start my journey in earnest to reconnect with my Muse. I’ve said it more times than I can count and each time I end up giving up.  My hope is to not give up this time.

I probably have more hopes in me.  I’m sure if I were to dig deep enough I could bring them to the surface.  Maybe I’ll have another post if I  should do that.  But I’ll leave these here for now, these are the ones that follow me and are on my mind every night.

Happy October!

October 1 – What worked for me last month? What will I carry over into this month?

First let me start off by saying HAPPY OCTOBER! It’s the time of year where it starts to really feel like Autumn.  The leaves start turning, the caterpillars start showing up.  We’ve had three in the last week!  Two in the house, one on the front step.  And now I have a baby cricket.  It’s also my birthday month.  My grandma used to say we got to celebrate the whole week.  I’ve been one to brush off my birthday, that it’s just another day.  I am going to try and change my way of thinking, maybe I should look at it as month long celebration….OF ME.

Second, thank you to all who came and read my blog over the last 30 days.  Congrats to those of you who participated, whether you had one post or 30 posts or somewhere in between.  You showed up!  And that is to be commended!

Okay, so on to the prompt.  What worked? Well, making my time at the computer something productive.  I wrote.  Some posts were short, others were long.  Many I felt I held back, some I felt I perhaps shared too much.  Those of you who commented assured me I didn’t and let me know that I wasn’t alone.  (THANK YOU!)

As someone who  has dreamed of being a writer, sitting here and writing daily for the entire month was a win.  It showed me that I can do it. But it requires me to show the fuck up.  AND…I don’t always do that.  I rarely show up.  I let things and those gremlins get the better of me and I run and hide rather than say fuck off and show up.  So by sitting here, daily; posting to 2 blogs, daily. Showed me I can do it.  I can tell them to fuck off and I can show up.  I know writing something outside of blog post is different, but it’s a start. Having daily prompts definitely helped.

What do I want to carry over?  That same determination that I had last month to write for 30 days.  I want to bring that desire into October and on into November when NaNoWriMo is happening.  In November I do plan to tackle writing 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days. I’ve only won once in 12 attempts. This will be attempt number 13! So I hope to carry that into the coming months and continue to post daily.

I also am hoping to carry that over to a daily practice as well (if not, weekly).  I had an idea to start a thing I am calling A YEAR WITH MY MUSE.  I am going to start out in a faux-skine (my word for the journal) I picked up for $1 on clearance at Walmart.  I am also going to give The Artist Way an honest go.  I picked up the book a couple years ago at a yard sale for 10 cents! And it has sat on my shelf since.

As I said in my post a couple of days ago, I’m going to 48 this year, in 27 days now. I aim to be done with waiting for this or that or the other thing to be happening or not happening.  I’m tired of putting shit off or not doing it at all for one reason or another. So here is hoping that I can carry that feeling and determination over to that too.

A BIG Thank You! to Effy Wild for the PDF of prompts for October.

Day 30 – Celebrate!!!

Today’s Nudge: Celebrate.

Hey….HEY!  I did it!!!  I blog for 30 days!!!  On two blogs, 60 posts. PHEW!!!!!!!  This has been the first challenge that I stuck with from start to finish. I’m awed that I completed it, really I am.

I am looking forward to continuing to blog next month.  Thank so much Effy for your PDF of prompts for October.

I hope that I don’t bury within myself the insights I gained through this challenge. I have a tendency to do that. I have these epiphanies, revelations.  I think about how I need to address them and what I should do to that affect.  And I end up tucking them away in a box in the corner of my mind.  I don’t want to do that again, not this time.

I loved meeting all of you through this blog along, reading your stories. I look forward to reading more from each of you.

Day 29 – Recap

 Today’s Nudge: Recap the month.

Is it day 29 already? Didn’t we just start? Tomorrow’s the last day? Boy time sure does fly!

I can’t hardly believe that I actually have blogged for almost 30 days! And on two blogs! Sometimes I’m a little more open there than I am here, because I a pen name there. There were days that I almost didn’t want to post because I was so tired.  Or I had something to do that day and it would be late in the evening before I posted.  But I’ve sat my ass in the chair at the computer and blogged every damn day!  It feels good.

I don’t know if I will keep up both blogs on a daily basis.  But I would like to see myself posting regularly.

I feel like I may have grown a little.  Some days were uncomfortable to write, others were plain hard. Yet there were those that were almost a piece of cake.  I have felt vulnerable and exposed as I opened up here.  There is so much more that has not been said.  Topics not covered.  To hear that I am not alone and that some of you have been through similar things brought me some sense of ease.  Just knowing that, makes me feel a little less crazy.  And when I start to feel otherwise, I can come back here and read the comments to remind.

I think I have discovered somethings or perhaps uncovered.  One thing I realized is that I am still living to please other people without regard to my own happiness.  I don’t do things I want to do because I think someone else won’t like it.  I won’t cook certain things because someone else won’t eat it. I hesitate to write any of my story ideas on the computer because my typing might (or does) annoy someone.  I don’t sing out loud any more, I don’t dance to my favorite song any more.

There is a quote that comes to mind, and it is this

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: “When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence? – Gabrielle Roth

And I think that perhaps this makes Effy a Shaman, a Medicine Woman among us.  She inadvertently asked us these questions very gently and quietly.  With a nudge.

See you all tomorrow to wrap up this adventure with a final post for September.

 

Day 28 – Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?

Wherefore art thou?

I don’t know.  Lost?  Maybe, Probably.  Adrift?  Possibly.  Lonely?  Yeah, sometimes.  So much of the time I feel like I am on a merry-go-round or a see-saw.  I keep getting distracted from things.  Falling off the path, wagon; falling down a rabbit hole.  Sometimes that rabbit hole leads to something, but most times it ends nowhere and I’m back at the start.

I don’t want it to be this way anymore.  But the only way it will stop, is if I make it stop. I’m torn really between fighting it and embracing it.  I know off the beaten path has its perks. But at the same time, I really want some sense of stability in my creative practice and spiritual one.  I am not well versed in either, so this will be a HUGE learning process.

I have spent way too much time waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop”. I may or may not ever get my divorce.  The purchase of the house may or may not work out.  I may or may not ever find a tribe or fit in or find my place in this small world of ours.  What I do know is that I have spent much too much time waiting.  Sitting in a place of limbo. When is enough, enough?

Exactly one month from now, I will turn 48 years old.  Two years from now, I will turn 50 years.  I want something to show for it. I want my days to have meaning to them.  There are days that the only energy I have is to get through the day. Those are the days where sitting, standing, walking, or laying hurt. But there are other days that are better and I am not utilizing those days to the fullest.  I, most days, end up waiting for the pain to kick because it almost feels inevitable.  (The only diagnosis I have so far is chronic pain with the possibility of fibromyalgia.)

The other day, a thought popped into my head.  I picked up a cheap version of a Moleskine at Walmart on clearance for $1, it’s a dotted journal. I also picked one up with lines for $4 at a different location a few days earlier. And I do have true Moleskine and what’s called a Travel Moleskine, both of which I picked up at the thrift store at 1.50 for the travel and 2.99 for the blank unlined one.  I haven’t been able to decide what to use them for.  Then the thought came….”A Year With My Muse”.  I am starting with the dotted because it was cheap and if I screw up I won’t feel so bad.  (I’m lying! I’ll feel like shit!!! LOL)  Now, it may not be an every day thing, but at best a weekly thing.  I don’t know how much of a beating the Exceed journals can take.  The plan is to write, art journal, make dream spreads, whatever it takes to reconnect with my Muse.

13062236_10209194834458280_6600567169270543402_n

The unlined Moleskine I got for 2.99 and underneath is a handmade journal with watercolor paper that was 1.99.

The Butterfly, Dragonfly, and Hummingbird have been very predominant around me this summer. The Dragonfly and Hummer more so than past summers.  I’m feeling drawn to Mary Magdalene, but can’t find a thing to show me who she might connect to in the Celtic pantheon.

I am antsy to start but at the same time want to wait until my birthday.  So I thought maybe to prep my first journal.  I’ve been looking up how to decorate or paint the cover. I wanted to use my Sakura Jelly Rolls but they look to be smudging.  So I am currently stuck.  Looks like I might be falling down the YouTube rabbit hole to hunt for ideas.

In closing this post, I think if I were to say where I was it would have to be that I am in Transition.

Day 27 – Humanity

Today’s Nudge: Share a human moment you’ve had recently.

I feel like I am an empath.  There are days, when things in the world are particularly heavy, I physically feel the weight of it all.  My heart aches, my chest hurts.  I have to step away from social media for the day because it all gets too much.

It is breaking my heart that the people of Puerto Rico and the other island territories that have been decimated by Irma and Maria are virtually being told FUCK YOU!  These people are as much as an American as I am.  We were all born here, we are all citizens. They deserve every ounce of aide and humanitarian efforts as we can.  It makes me sick to think their lives are coming down to money and politics.

You may or may not know the PNW has been burning all summer long.  Unless you live in the region, you probably don’t know that.  I’ve heard from people on the other side of the US that it has never been mentioned on the news.

We have earthquakes in Mexico.  Three in two weeks now? The death toll jumped to over 300.  They are our neighbors.  They were willing to come in and help Texas, and I believe they did not sure as not much was said about it after they offered to aide the state.  And I’m sure they need help looking for survivors and other humanitarian aide, but that Wall ya know.

FUCK IT ALL!  I hate to say it, but I’m glad my Grandma isn’t alive to see this.  This is not the country she loved so much and fought so hard to come back to with her sons. This is not the country she told them stories about, we are not a great country at all.

I’m sorry, but I have no where else to vent my pain. So about a human moment.  Okay then.  I don’t get out too much.  One car, I don’t drive anyway, gas is expensive, everything is at minimum 20ish minutes away on a good day.  But a few days ago, we were in Wal-mart at the check out.  This little old man came up behind us in line. He was in one of those motorized carts and had oxygen.  He was maybe in his 70s or so.  I glanced at him and got the impression that putting his goods on the counter was going to be a tiresome endeavor.  I almost did nothing. But I swear my Grandma nudged me to help the man.

So I turned to him and asked if he would like me to help him place his good on the counter.  I think he was shocked, if not surprised and didn’t answer right away.  I just started putting his things up for him, all the while he just watched me silently.  When I was done, he took a very deep breath and said a soft thank you.  But his eyes said it all. All it takes is one act.  One small act, to help someone, to be human.

 

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