How Do You Turn Your Thoughts Into Things?

I’ve been talking a lot lately about how I think about doing this or that. Like I think about writing. I think about art journaling. I think about painting on one or the seven blank canvases next to my easel. I think some more about writing. I think about how I want a functioning art corner in my room but at the same time have a little working space at my computer desk. I think of all the unfinished (and unstarted) crochet projects I have.  I think a lot about how I don’t get any of the shit done that I wanna do.

I think a lot about how I want to learn herbalism, tarot, herbal healing, druidry. Or how I want to learn the ins and outs of my camera and use it regularly.  I want to learn hand lettering styles. A new language or two.

I think about how I want to travel. To Scotland, Ireland, England. Explore where my ancestors came from in Poland and Ukraine.  I wouldn’t mind a holiday adventure in Italy and/or Spain.  Take more trips to the Pacific Coast in Oregon and Washington. See San Francisco. I would love to see more of the state I live in. I want to go back East to New York and revisit old favorites, see how my old neighborhood has changed.  Maybe do some traveling up the East Coast check out Salem and Cape Cod, visit Maine. There are so many places that I never got to see when I lived on the East Coast that are on my wish list.

So much of what I want to do takes money, money, money. Money that I don’t have. Money that I might not ever have.  But let’s take money and all the things that require gobs of it out of the equation, okay. Looking at all the things I can do, with what I already have. Writing, art, photography.  I have journals and pens. I have art journals, canvases, paints, pastels.  I have a camera. I have yarn and an assortment of hooks.

How do I get from thinking about doing those things to actually doing them? How do I get passed the fears that seem to paralyze me so often? How do I silence the voices of the past that constantly echo in my mind telling me what I can’t do, what I shouldn’t do?

Everytime I think I have made some strides in get passed them, they seem to scream at me louder and louder.  Then there are those who are in my life now, who are supportive. But yet there’s that dark voice that whispers to me that they aren’t and that they are judging me, even though it isn’t true. (I don’t think, I hope not).

It sometimes feels like I am on a merry go round, going round and round. The dark monsters that say those things about how I’m not good enough, on the other side seemingly chasing after me, but not able to catch me. Or is it me chasing them away, unsuccessfully?  Round and round and round we go, it never stops. The voices of the past haunt me.

So how do I get passed all of that? Make my thoughts into things. Make my dreams into reality.  I think I am going to try a different approach this year. Even thought I have probably said or tried it all before. But I want to try this year to do at least one creative thing a day. Whether it turns out magnificent or turns out like shit, I want to try. And if I can do more than one thing in a day, that would be amazing. But the goal is to be creative and to live a creative life. I have to start some where, any where.

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Welcome To 2018

Well first….HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I managed to make it long enough to watch the Potato Drop. That’s what they do in Idaho.  Soon after I fell asleep.

I ended the year with thoughts and hopes of what I want for the new year. I saw a post a couple of weeks ago that suggested writing a letter to yourself that you would read at the end of the year.  So I did that. I might write myself another and put them together when I’m not in pain and I can focus better on what I want to say to myself. I was starting to feel a little better earlier this afternoon, but the pain is starting to flair up again so I don’t think I will be sitting here at the computer much longer.

I had planned to get some writing done today, but it looks like all I get done is the blog post.  Jeff Goins has a challenge to write 500 words a day. And of course there was the 85k90 that I talked about in the previous post that is just short of 1,000 words a day. I still have not decided on what I want to write about though.  So any writing I do is a good thing, especially when the pain is so bad that sitting actually hurts.

I think I discovered one of the things that triggers me into not living a creative life. I overwhelm myself with ALL THE THINGS. Okay for instance, I wanted to write and I wanted to work on creating my Wish-Intention-Dream Box, I wanted to go out and do some camera play (but cold + pain = hell no), then I wanted to start on 100ish today by learning to finally make a Granny Square.  And so many other things I wanted to cram into the day.  Because you know….DO ALL THE THINGS! And then I froze, I didn’t know where to start, what do I do first, I can’t possibly do everything I want to do.

That’s when it hit me, the overwhelming sense of I would be a failure if I don’t make all the things and do all the things and write all the things. So then I am quick to just throw in the towel before I ever get started because I already feel like I failed.

So I decided to work on the box first. I chose some colors and put a coat on the top. While waiting for that to dry and thinking if I want to make the bottom the same color or not, I went to look up how to make a Granny Square. You see there is a year long project by the lovely Jeanette House. You make one square a day for the whole year. Easy peasy, right? Wrong!

You see, the Granny Square has been my crochet nemesis since I first learned to crochet when I was 11 years old. SO…for 37 years this thing has tormented me. Because anytime I would try to make one, my square quickly turned into a ball which then became the cats toy. I tried on and off for years to master it without any luck. So to the Google I went. Most things I found were so complicated and detailed. I finally found (or so I thought) an easy to follow tutorial.  I got the base and the first round done, but the second and third rounds started making my square into a bowl. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out where my mistake was. I reread the instructions, examined the photos closely but I was still lost.

I unraveled my now bowl and started again, thinking my error was in my starting chain. As I went into my second round, the same problem occurred. I took a picture, posted to the group, but it was hard to tell where I might have messed up. Jeanette pointed me in the direction of YT and vlogger who has some beginner videos up. With that I found where my mistake was. I wasn’t completely understanding the written directions of the one I originally found. But by watching Bella Coco’s video, I only had to unravel to the first round and start from there. At the end of the video I finally completed my very first ever Granny Square!

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My Very First Granny Square #100ish #mydailygranny

I have since watched another video of hers for a different beginner square and I have successfully crocheted it too. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me!!  So I can look behind me at the basket of yarn and think of all the squares I can make. Or I can finally finish making boot cuffs that I was supposed to make 2 Christmases ago. Or I can finally finish my daughter’s Slytherin style scarf that I have only started maybe 9 years ago. Now, of course they don’t all take Granny Squares but these are projects that have been sitting in a basket or tote and not getting done. Before I buy anymore yarn, I want to try and use up what I do have. I have enough to fill a good size Rubbermaid tote!

I now have a couple of my smaller journals, Stabilo markers, and my Portfolio pastels sitting by my computer desk to work in when inspiration strikes.  So at least I have started the year off creatively. Let’s hope I can keep it that way.

Tomorrow’s plan: Make another Granny Square or two, search Google for the Luna Lovegood scarf pattern (I think I lost the one I had, if I find it maybe I can finish it too), look for my HP scarf pattern so I can get the rows done right, get some pages set up in my bullet journal. And if I can decide, maybe even get some writing in.

I Think I Have My Word

I think I have it, I hope I have it.  I know it isn’t set in stone and if I got it wrong I can always change it. Or even have more than one word!  I thought it was going to be ENOUGH. I was all set to settle on it. But then somewhere along the way, yesterday I suppose it was….and SELF came to mind. I am trying to remember exactly how it came about, but for the life of me the brain fog won’t let me recall right now.

So back to the word.  I had been thinking quite a bit about how I don’t feel like I am Enough. Why I feel the way I do about things and people. That sort of thing. Then the last couple of days, just about every astrological forecast type thing for the coming year says that this year (2018) is my year. That things will fall into place, the thing or things that have been weighing me down will finally let me go.  And I’m all YES YES YES, finally Yes!

Some are saying that part of the beginning I am feeling the need to go inward. This is true. I have been feeling like that for a few days actually.  Much of what I have been reading has been spot on. But what am I going to do with it? I don’t want another year of sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing. Or only getting a bits done and then kicking myself in the ass because of whatever held me back in that moment.

So SELF…..Self-care, Self-love, Self-acceptance. All things I need to work on.  2018 might be a SELF-ish year for me. I keep saying I am going to focus on what I want, what makes me happy…but then I don’t. I could give reasons or excuses, but in the end it doesn’t really matter the why.  I don’t think I have a symbol or theme yet for the new year, but if I do or will I am sure they will come to me.

I promised I would share my Yule surprise in this post too. But first a little story. I am one of the youngest of the cousins in my family. So some were about 8 by the time I came along, therefore we weren’t close. But age isn’t the reason for it. For reasons unknown, even though we all grew up in the same neighborhood and attended the same school the only time most of spent any time together was Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Age, divorce, moving, kept some of us apart as the years went on.

About two years ago or so, one of my older cousins reached out to me wanting to reconnect. At first I was hesitant, skeptical even.  But I was also curious. We started communicating, catching up. It was probably one of the best things to ever happen. She has witchy tendencies like me. We found we share a fondness for things herbs, the moon, magic, the Goddess. She makes candles and the like and has sent me some.  This year she sent me a box of goodies.

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She sent a wooden box for me to paint and decorate and to turn into an intention box. She included incense and resin, 2 bayberry candles, a couple of gemstones, 2 English coins for luck, a good witch/bad witch wine stopper, and a lovely necklace. Her note that she included brought me to tears. Her words were exactly what I had been thinking here lately.  I believe that we though we are cousins by blood, we are sisters at heart.

I haven’t started working on my box yet. It was something I was thinking about maybe doing today. If not tomorrow, start the year off creatively.

Well…here is to a better year for all of us.  Wishing you all a safe, happy, healthy, prosperous New Year filled with love and grace.  Let’s make 2018 a good one!

But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For….

To quote Bono/U2 in my post title. One of my favorite songs by them, I might add.

I realized it has been a bit since I posted. That was unintentional. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is or can be an emotional roller coaster for me. Thanksgiving being 11 years since my Babci died. The first here without Gramma Alice. Then Christmas Eve was 23 years since my Daddy died. Then I realized it was 4 months since I lost my precious Sylvie.

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But we are now facing a new year, so I am trying to look forward to that.  As I have done since 2011, I am trying to choose a word for the new year. Some years my word was spot on, others I think I may have missed the mark. Or else I just did not see it come about. Last year, my word was DREAM. I feel like I did more dreaming about my dreams that doing something about my dreams. A part of me wants to bring it forward into the new year, but another part of me wants to have a new word. Usually I have one by the Winter Solstice, but so far it seems to elude me.

I have a list of several words that I have been pondering, but not are screaming “Pick me, pick me!” There is a word that I have been toying with, mulling over. And that word is ENOUGH. I am tired of feeling not enough, not good enough, not this enough or that enough. Part of me wants this to be a selfish year. A year in which I focus on me. On learning to accept myself, love myself, learn how to be ENOUGH with myself. I wouldn’t mind finding a way to incorporate the two words either. But then, maybe neither of them are my word(s). I know it/they will come in due time.

I am beyond frustrated that I can’t take any of the art classes I want to take.  I had hoped to maybe take Moonshine with Effy this year, but we don’t have the extra funds for me to do that. So I’ll be missing out on that and BOD. I’ll be missing LifeBook again. And so many other great classes. I’ll be scouring the Google for free classes and challenges to do in the new year.

I found one for writing just today. Well it was mentioned in a FB group I am in. It is to write 85,000 words in 90 days. Finish up any loose ends throughout April. Take May and June to edit, wrap that up in July.  Then August and September and on is going towards getting published. The entire process as laid out on the website is for the whole year. Well I don’t have a publisher, so my that part may take more polishing/editing or maybe use that time for submitting to publishers. I don’t know yet, so I will cross that bridge if/when I get there.  It so far seems less chaotic than NaNoWriMo.  Right now though, I am exploring the website and will decide in a few days if I will participate or not.

It might be good for me if I do participate. I have taken more time off from writing than I had intended. I was only going to do the weekend after NaNo. But that turned into a week, which led to two weeks, and now here we are with New Year’s just a few days away. Maybe, I can use this challenge to work on writing MY STORY. Something to consider at least.

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks. About a lot of different things. My father, my mother. Myself. Life. Why do I feel the way I do towards certain people or events? What shit am I still carrying that I need to just let go of? What no longer serves me? And so much more.

It frustrates me to no end that I can’t take those art classes. It frustrates me that I can’t take a writing course. Or an herbalism course. It frustrates me that I am laughed at for some of the things I am interested in and want to learn more about. I wish I had the courage to stand up for what I want and what I believe in.  Do you see why I need a year to be selfish?

I know this post ended up being a bit rambly and maybe even venty. But that’s what my space if for, right? To vent and ramble if I need to.

So, if you have a word for 2018 what did you chose? I would love to hear. In my next post, I hope to tell you what my word is and I will also share what my cousin sent me for Yule.

This Moves Me

Here is a video I came across some months back. I struggle to find my path, to find my roots, to find my authentic self, to find my voice. This video came across my feed again today, and it was moving me to tears. Obviously something I needed to hear today.  By the translation it is a song of the water. I think this particular song is sung in Polish, I know the group themselves are from Poland. Probably why their music moves me so.

 

Translation:
“At the sea, blue sea
There was a floating flock of white swans
And where did the gray-white eagle come from?
It dispersed the flock around the blue sea
White down rose to heaven,
Gray feathers fell on a green meadow
And who will collect these feathers?
– A beautiful girl”

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Mercury And The Full Moon

It did not even occur to me when I was writing my post last night, that today begins Mercury Retrograde. I mean I had been hearing about, I knew it was coming. But for some reason or other, I totally spaced that it was starting today.

After I had gone off to bed, I was scrolling through Instagram as I usually do and I came across a post by C. Ara Campbell (you can view her feed here and her facebook).

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Look at those first ones, would ya! Introspection – something I tend to do this time of year, especially with the Solstice coming and the year ending. Think outside the box – That is something I tend to struggle with, my mind has difficulty with that. It might be hours or days later where I might have that light bulb moment. But usually it is too late for anything by that point. Look at things in a new light – another that I have trouble with but am working on. Changing my perspective. Finding a different approach. Not looking at a brick wall as an obstacle but an opportunity.  I mean this whole thing is some good stuff!

Then there is the Full Moon! And it is supposed to be a super moon at that. It is the last one of 2017. Some moons I feel very strongly, others are just “normal”. Here’s what Ara has to say about the Full Moon in Gemini.

 

gemini moon

It’s a time to plan, reimagine the future, letting go. Where are you still hiding? How’s that for a powerful question? My answer, is probably everywhere and in all the things. Stepping out into my true self, allowing my authentic self to shine bright, to step out of my comfort zone—-they have all be extremely difficult for me. I think of how I want to be, but then my introverted self steps up and tells me to sit my ass back down.

So how can I come out of hiding and still be introverted? I don’t think I will ever truly come out of my shell. When I try to come out of hiding, it often feels like others stuff me back in the box wanting me to be only seen (and not always) but not heard. Maybe that is just my fears talking. But it’s hard not to think that way when you try to speak and you are ignored.  It’s even more frustrating when you are speaking to someone, you are looking right at them, and they don’t even acknowledge it. Then it is one of two things, the Oh were you talking to me? in that surprised tone or someone points out to the person you are speaking to them and then it’s the shock or surprise. The awkward apology and then you have to repeat everything you just said (and hope that they even hear you the second time and you are secretly crying inside.)

All that was to say, that I guess without even realizing it I was right on target to think about planning. It also has me thinking about my planned project “A Year With My Muse” which still hasn’t gotten started. Looks like I have some planning to do and ideas to jot down.

Full Moon Blessings!

No Writing Day (again)

I had plans to write some today. But I just never got there. It’s okay. I could use another day to recoup from the marathon month and think about where or what my story is actually about.

Today was  also filled with anticipation about the dinner tonight. It ended up going pretty well. Everyone went to the parade afterwards, but I stayed home. It was expected that we would have some rain and it was cold. Seeing as I am just getting over a cold, it was thought best that I don’t go. Which was probably a good decisions. I’m really not feeling 100% either. I should probably restart taking the Echinacea for a few more days. I definitely don’t need a relapse with cookie baking weekend coming up. Plus we just plain can’t afford me to be sick, or any of us for that matter.

I might even take off from writing tomorrow. I had actually planned on it anyway. I do feel guilty for not writing though.

I think I might spend tomorrow working on my planner. It is time to start thinking about goals for next year, word of the year, intentions, that sort of thing. It might even be a bit early to do that, so maybe I’ll just do a scribble session to jot down thoughts so I don’t forget them later in the month.

Day Off

Took a day off from the writing today. Just to breathe and let my brain cells recoup as I scrambled them for words for the whole month of November. Ended up going out for the first time in a week. Just to Wal-mart for a few things. It felt good to be out again.

It was decided we are doing Ugly Sweater Christmas. So while we were at Wal-mart we were looking at some of their premade ones. Some were just too cute to be called ugly!

But we are going to put our craft skills to good use and make our own. A trip to the thrift store for a sweater(s) and maybe some Christmas-y baubles if we can find some there. I think we can find a bunch of mini ornaments and thin garland strands at Dollar Tree. Then it is just a matter of designing and assembling. Crap I should have bought that grey plain sweater on clearance for 2 bucks! Blank canvas and I did not even think about it!!!! Funny thing is, we were talking about making the sweaters when I was looking at that one on the clearance rack.

I fail like that sometimes. Like the Pitt Pen in copper that was on clearance for like a 1.74 or something. And I decided not to get it. When I went back a week later, it was gone. My loss was someone else’s gain. Oh well. I still got 3 others. I probably should have snagged the grey one too, but I didn’t. And it was also gone.

Now here’s to hoping I don’t relapse with this cold or anything. The plan is to have a memorial get together at on of Granny’s favorite burger joints and then to see a holiday night light parade. If I’m sick or coughing my brains out (or probably just coughing) I can’t go. Don’t want to get any of the littles sick. I am actually torn about going though. I do, but I don’t. Part of me feels like it should be just the family, even though I know other partners will be there. I still feel like I would be intruding. I’m weird like that.

SO, I DID A THING!

 

I wish I could shout it from the roof tops! No not really. One, it is too cold. And two, I do not do heights well.

I was going to take the day off, but decided no there is one day left to National Novel Writing Month and I am going to finish it off with some writing. There are still a few ideas and thoughts for this story that I need to get out of my head, so that if I should end up editing it and adding to it then it will make more sense. I think as I was writing, I might have inadvertantly altered a few things. Then new ideas popped up and I added those in, so if you read it now it would be confusing.

I am going to need to print it out so I can make my notes about who, what, and where. Then I can hopefully flesh out the characters and plot. I definitely need to do a lot more showing. Of course I could end up just adding this to my pile of unfinished tales too. Especially if I jump onto the family stories idea. Part of me feels like that should really take priority, and another part of me wants to outline and plan it but save it for Camp NaNoWriMO. But that first does not happen until what? April? June? That is a long wait.

I will definitely take tomorrow off, I think. Maybe. LOL!  I will most likely have a blog post though. Need to keep the writing habit going, right? That is at least what I want to do. To keep on writing.

To my cheerleaders this month, I thank you!
To my fellow participants, I am proud of you! And congratulations!
To my readers, thank you for sticking with my ramblings!

As another National Novel Writing Month comes to a close, I breathe a sigh of relief and joy, because I won. Hopefully, it will not be another four years before I win again.

Until Next Time…………….

Crossing The Finish Line

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(image found via Google search)

I am so close. So very close. Less than one thousand two hundred words close. I am so tempted on one hand to say, you did good today leave the rest for tomorrow. And then the other part of me is saying “no keep going! you are almost there.”  I will of course, more than likely keep going. It does not seem logical to stop now.

This will be my second win in thirteen attempts. My last win was three years ago. I did not Rebel that one, it was all new words for a fiction story that I had in my head. Which now sits unfinished on my computer. Unedited and incomplete. That is how all my stories end up.

It is like I get to the end of November, or what I deem the end of my attempt and suddenly the idea just fades to black. One day, I would like to go back to them and finish them. But I would need to print them out, make notes, and then go from them. That means I need a jump drive and a trip to Staples.

This year, if you have been following along, you know I was a Rebel. My writing was a mixture of blog posts (non fiction) and of course fiction. I have written more non fiction I think, but not by much. I think the margin of difference is about a couple thousand words between.

Sure I could stop right this minute and say I am a winner because of all the words I have written. Which aside from September, is the most words I have written in a very long time. But then I would not be an “official” winner. There is something about that piece of paper I can print out soon validating my efforts this month. That I just have to go for the finish line and break that ribbon.

I think I might actually have a sort plot coming together and a story line. I still do not really know where it is going. And in my desperation I feel like my words are just a jumbled mess with no rhyme or reason. I know that is what editing is for, but I do not usually make it to that point. I am starting to feel like I am rambling and grasping at words to get my thoughts out of my head.

I kind of want to commit to getting what I can of this story out of head through the month of December, but at the same time I want to get to work on my family history stories. I suppose I could split my time between them, but I would really prefer (I think) to stick to one project. Then I was thinking that maybe I could turn them into blog posts, my family stories. I do not know if I can add a page – tab on a free account. (note to self: look into that) Or maybe I can do that on another blog? Adding too many choices for a project I have not even started yet.

Best to stick to the goal at hand and that is to wrap up National Novel Writing Month with a win.

Congrats to all who participated this year. Whether you wrote five hundred, five thousand, hit fifty thousand, or even surpassed that goal, YOU WIN!

 

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