That is pretty much how I feel wanting to do all the things but can’t do them because I can’t focus on any one thing. I know part of the lack of focus I have felt the last few days has been due to a flare up with anxiety. My writing has been suffering since Tuesday, which is about when I started to feel it coming on. I have slacked off on word count for the fiction project, struggled with even writing a back story for a character I play, even blogging has taken a hit.
Things looked up a little bit yesterday when I was actually able to add word counts to every thing I have in the works, as far as new projects go. As of this moment, I am about 3,000 words behind total. I guess we shall see where I am after this post but it will probably be about 2,000 plus behind. I am finding it hard to write during the day this last week or so. I have been trying to get some writing in before bed, but then I just feel too tired to write.
I am leery about next week though. Thursday is going to hit me hard. I just know it is. Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the States. But for me, it is not the same anymore. It has not been for some time now. I can tell you when it changed for me, exactly. It was Thanksgiving day, November 23, 2006 at precisely Noon. This Thursday it will be eleven years to the day that I lost my rock and biggest cheerleader.
It is going to be hard for me. I may not get any writing in at all that day. It is supposed to be our day of feasting here at the house. But I do not know how well it is going to go. I expect it will be a pretty emotional day since this will be the first Thanksgiving without Granny here for my S.O. and his family. It will be just a bit over a month that she will have been gone.
And then there is just so much shit going on in general. They are still trying to close on the house. Every time they fax stuff in, they turn around and ask for more and more stuff. Then they fax those in, and guess what….they want MORE stuff. Christmas is coming, the new year is coming. It feels like we are in a holding pattern and a waiting for the other shoe to drop scenario. Which of course adds to everyone’s stress levels.
It does not feel good, but some things are just out of our control and just have to take their course. We do not have to like, but we do have to ride it all out I suppose.
So the question remains will I be able to make up word count and hit the 50,000 by November 30th? I truly have no idea. I can hope I do and try my damnedest to make it. But I will not make myself sick in the process. Where ever I end up in the race for words, it will be more than I have written in a long time, and in my book that is a win for me. I have managed to added over a thousand words to the fiction piece and about four hundred to the character piece in the last couple of days. So that is a good sign. Maybe something I need to do while I am trying to figure out where the story is supposed to be going is write out character pieces. Tell about who the players are so far, maybe they will open up some to me and tell me about themselves. If they do that, then maybe I can move the story forward.
All good ideas, in theory, at least. But I as I said, not going stress or panic. Just going to do what I can and hope for the best. It might sound as if I am giving myself an out and an excuse to give up. But I am not, I promise you. I am just going easy on myself.
The Forgotten Muse 