The NaNo That Didn’t Among Other Things

I started off November thinking I would fully participate in NaNo.  The intent was strongly there.  I got 600 words in.  The ideas were there, but the thoughts didn’t want to flow together.  Sure I could have just typed out drivel after drivel of jumbled words and maybe I should have.  But after seeing how many people were freaking out over word counts, meeting or not meeting word counts, people writing all 50,000 words or more in one day….I began to think.  Why are all these people stressing and/or doing ridiculous things for something that is (in my opinion) supposed to be a fun challenge.  I decided about half way through and still sitting at my puny 600 words that I didn’t want to be a part of the pack.  I have enough stress in life without adding to it even if through osmosis of reading other peoples posts.  Maybe I should avoid reading posts in NaNo groups next time.  But I have also decided (just now actually) that If or When I write my novel(s) it will be on my terms, and not because I get a certificate and discounts for completing a word goal.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do love the concept of NaNo.  I just don’t like the way some people have turned into what can seem like an unwinable competition.  (okay, stepping of the soap box for now)

Art…..I did make a couple of pieces.  That in itself is a huge achievement!  Especially considering how much I haven’t created.  I find that my art supplies seem to intimidate me.  Add into that mix the fact that I think I can’t be creative enough or what I make might not be good enough. So what happens is I end up staring at my art supplies and blank canvases rather than creating.

My newest hobby is taking Instagram photos with my tablet.  A challenge since it doesn’t have the greatest camera on it.  I wish I had a DSLR camera, preferably something wi-fi ready so that I can take better pictures and upload them.

Also have gotten back in to crocheting a bit.  I’ve been requested to make some boot cuffs as a Christmas gift.  There’s a new baby on the way in the family and I’ve been tossing about the idea of making a blanket for the baby.  And I’ve yet to finish my “Outlander” inspired “Claire Cowl”. Not to mention some of the other things I want to try and make.

This is going to be such a busy month.  Tomorrow is hopefully my last doctor’s appointment, hoping for good news.  Christmas tree needs to be bought and decorated.  Other busyness that comes with a major holiday month.  The brother and his wife that I haven’t met yet will be arriving in less than two weeks and staying for a week.  Sister #3 will be having her baby sometime this month.  Holiday dinners, a sleigh ride weather permitting. Just busy, Busy, BUSY!

If I don’t get around to another post, I wish you all a Blessed Yule and Happy Holidays.  Happy New Year too.

NaNoWriMo 2015 and Other Musings

At midnight, NaNoWriMo began and so far I got nuthin’.  Panster that I am, I typically just wing it but at least have some sort of idea of what I want to write about. Even if I don’t know where it’s going.  I’m not worried, yet.  It’s only the first day and I still have 7 hours of writing time to get something going.  I just figured in the mean time while I’m trying to figure that out, I’d post something to the blog since it’s been awhile.

I also plan on doing NaNoJouMo.  Art journaling a day, every day for November.  Also the Doodle-A-Day project.  I figured I can do the journaling and doodling simultaneously, knocking out two birds with one stone.  Hoping that this will give me the kick in the pants I need to get me making art again.  21 days to make a habit, right?

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctor because I was/am having some “lady issues” that aren’t normal for me.  After examining me…words like Cancer, surgery, radiation were being tossed around.  I panicked and freaked out.  I cried for few days.  So far tests results are negative, thankfully!  I still have to follow up with a gyno to completely rule things out.  But I’ll take this as a win.

The 100 Days Project and Camp NaNoWriMo

I have been truly and thoroughly slacking in all things creative.  Writing, painting, drawing, you name it…it hasn’t been happening.  I started doing 100 Mandalas a couple of months back and got up to 4.  I don’t do well doing my art with people around me.  I’m still at the my creating art is private stage.  I don’t mind so much sharing when I’m done with it, but while I’m making something I prefer to be alone.  When I started the mandala project, the house was FULL of people included a very rambunctious 3 year old.  The house is now settled for the most part, the guests have gone.  Too many times I say this though, it is time to get off my arse and start creating.  It really is and I really need to do something about it.  Not just say it, but do it.  Part of my problem…the voices in my head that tell me nothing I’ll make is going to be any good.  Another problem, I don’t know what my person style is.  Oh and I’m having trouble getting in touch with my intuitive side.  I tend to over think…everything too.

I keep getting myself into a rut where I end up sitting on Facebook for hours or hopping around on different sites reading things or watching programs but nothing regarding what I should be doing.  With that being said, I came across a post on a site regarding something called The 100 Days Project.  You can find out more and/or sign up for it here .  For me, personally, I have decided not to pick a specific project but more a topic. My chosen topic is creativity.  This means for me, what ever the mood strikes that day is what I’ll do. Be it photography, doodling, painting, writing.  I can’t say that I will complete the 100 days, but once again I will try.  If nothing more, maybe I’ll discover something about myself or about my creativity.

Camp NaNo round 1 started on April 1st.  I still haven’t gotten around to starting it yet.  I set a goal of 10,000 words.  I don’t know if my project will net me that many words, maybe I’m over projecting for it.  My plan is to write down what I can remember of the stories my Grandma used to tell me about her life.  I’m hesitant.  To start, to finish, to open my mind and let the words come, that I won’t remember things correctly or at all.  I can’t ask her since she is no longer with us.  I’m afraid I won’t do it justice.  This isn’t a project for publishing really, it’s more personal for me.  Something I want to leave for my children so they don’t forget her, perhaps for my someday grandchildren that they might know her.  My Grandmother was a tough, strong woman.  She’d been to hell and back.  Buried a husband, an infant daughter, and an uncle in a 2-3 month span of time.  Before the age of 25 she was a widow with two small boys.  She then lost her home and wandered from town to town before a friend took her and the boys in.  She knew what it was to have loved and lost and to have found love again.  But because I miss her so terribly much, I’m finding this hard to approach.  Yet I know I need to get these words written down.

With that thought, I will end this post and share my first 100 days photo.  Today I chose photography and here is today’s discovery:

DSCN3099

Happy 2015! And My Word For The Year

I was originally going to start out this post with bitching and complaining.  But I will spare you all of the whine-fest it would have been.  I had my melt down, sobbed my heart out, everyone hates me tirade the other day in the midst of loved ones so I’ll just leave it lie there.

Instead I will tell you that I’m sorry for neglecting this space.  That I haven’t posted, read posts, or commented much if at all.  I was no better with my original blog over on blogger.  I stopped posting there in August, stopped reading blogs I followed somewhere around September I think.

I was really starting to feel invisible and as the year approached its end, I let myself fall into the well of sadness of lost loved ones and the feeling being insignificant to my children.  I looked back at this year and realized I didn’t even know what my word or words for 2014 were.  At this I knew, I didn’t fulfill them not even close and I was WAY off track of where I want to be in my life.

While reading a friend’s Facebook post about her word for 2015 and how things culminated for her in 2014, a word popped in my head for me.  I wasn’t quite ready for it, so I pushed it to the back burner.  But since that day I’ve had a number of things come across me that pointed back to that word.  I going to assume the Universe is trying to tell me something, so therefore even if reluctantly at first I am giving into this word.

The word is RECLAIM.

  • I RECLAIM MYSELF
  • I RECLAIM MY DREAMS
  • I RECLAIM MY DESIRES
  • I RECLAIM MY LIFE
  • I RECLAIM MY DESTINY
  • I RECLAIM WHAT IS MINE
  • I RECLAIM WHAT IS LOST

And I reclaim my blog space.  I hope that in the coming year I will post more regularly.  I plan to keep up better with the blogs I follow.

My song for 2015 is “TRY” by P!nk.  Because all I can do is try to be a better person, try to be healthier, try to live my word.

I wish you all a Happy and Safe New Year! I wish you all peace, love, joy, happiness, prosperity, and good health!

See the exclusive music video for ‘The Hobbit’s ‘Last Goodbye,’ with Billy Boyd and goosebumps aplenty

It’s June Already?! And I’ve Got Nothing To Show For It

Boy time sure flies when you’re busy doing nothing.  Half a year is almost gone and what’s to show for it?  Not a whole hell of a lot, that’s for shit sure.

My plans to paint the year away haven’t lived up.  Same with writing.  I totally flopped and failed for April’s Camp NaNoWriMo.  I don’t even know what my biggest struggle is.  I can’t seem to find the motivation.  I can’t get into a daily practice.  I really struggle with it.  I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with developing a daily practice of art and writing.  I want to do them, but I feel held back.  Maybe it’s those voices that tell me whatever I create will be shitty.  I dunno.  But it’s annoying and it’s getting old.

So today, being the first day of a new month am deciding more or less enough is enough.  But be warned I’ve said this before and feel right back quite easily into the non-creative rut.  As I was saying, I decided to take on a challenge called 100 Happy Days.  There is a website by that name if you want to sign up and take the challenge.  Which in itself is rather simple in its concept.  Take one photograph of something that makes you happy and post it online with the hashtag of 100 happy days.  Simple right?  Sounds easy enough.  But the challenge is going to be A) remembering to take said photo, B) remembering to post said photo.  The thing I dread is what if I don’t have or find something to photograph.  I did take my first picture though and it’s already posted.  Because well…Llamas!

I also signed up for a free challenge at The Sketchbook Project.  (Oh did I mention the above mentioned challenge is free too?  Well, it is!)  For this, I have one week, well until June 6th to find and photograph a face in an unusual place.  I tend to over think things…A LOT!  So I am finding this a real challenge.  If you want to participate, there are still spots available…you can sign up here: http://www.sketchbookproject.com/projects/challenge

And finally there is another Camp NaNoWriMo starting July 1st.  I’ve already signed up with a goal of 10,000 words.  That’s approximately 323 words a day.  So we’ll see where I get with this one.

To say that I have nothing to show for half a year isn’t entirely true.  I have made a few journal pages.  And I’ve worked some on a big painting I have hang up, it’s not done yet.  The face is giving me a grief.  I have a hard time with faces, and I’m trying to figure out what works for me.

Another thing, I want to delve into is to study Druidry.  I’ve found a couple of places where I can do so online for free.  I just don’t know I’ll start that. 

So there it is. I’m struggling and I’m tired of it.  I just don’t know how to get off this merry-go-round that isn’t so merry.

 

CampNaNo Starts Tomorrow!

ImageTomorrow, or in my case T -7.5 hours Camp NaNoWriMo starts.  I actually forgot about it until I saw a blog post about it.  For the last week or so, I’ve been on the fence about whether or not I wanted to do it.  Then I found out we can set our own word count goal again, so I thought what the heck why not!

That’s pretty much when I realized I have not written since November.  Not counting blog posts of course.  I’ve not worked on any of my ideas or continued with my November project at all.  I guess part of me just wasn’t feeling it, the other part of me was…is just being lazy.  So perhaps camp is just what I need.

I’m setting a lowly goal of only 10,000 words.  I plan to flesh out a story idea that popped into my head almost two months ago.  If that doesn’t go well, then I’ll switch gears and try adding to my NaNo work from November.  I know 10k isn’t much.  It’s just over 300 words a day.  But for me that’s doable right now since my mind is kind of all over the place. 

Life Happens, So Does Death

Back in January I got an email from my aunt letting me know my mother was in the hospital again.  Things didn’t look good.  She had jaundice, dehydration, a blockage near her liver, and a few other things going on.  They said she wouldn’t survive dialysis if she needed it.  Then things started to clear up and improve for the most part, but there was still things wrong.  Tests and scans were ordered.  Other than a passing mention of my mother saying she was going to be starting chemo for stomach pain, as she put it.  There was no actual diagnosis issued that I was aware of.

Oh yeah, did I mention we’ve been estranged for the last 15 almost 16 years?  She decided one day for reasons only known to her that she didn’t want me or my girls in her life.  With that decision, I didn’t hear from her for 5 years.  Until she needed some papers on my father.  She was entitled to some money you see.  Well of course she knew me then!  After I sent her what she needed, I never heard from her again.  During that time, I went through my grieving and angry period. 

Okay so she’s showing signs of improvement and the hospital decides she is well enough to be moved to a nursing home for rehab and physical therapy from a stroke she had last year.  It seems like when she was there is when she was told finally that she had pancreatic cancer.  But they never said what stage she was in.  About a week and half later, I get an early morning (like 5 AM early) call from the ER.  She’s dehydrated again and she has respiratory issues.  They are asking for my permission on things.  WOAH!  What? Wait!  I’ve not seen or heard from her in 15 years and you want me to do what?

I did not like being in this position.  In fact I hated it.  This was not my call, not my place to make these decisions.  I wanted to tell do what ever the hell you want.  Yes, I’m her daughter.  But she left me 15 years ago.  She doesn’t get to have me make those choices.  I kept asking if there was a proxy or could she assign one.  They said she was in no condition to and they didn’t have one.  Did I know of one?  NO!  I did not know if she had one!  Given her history and track record, I was inclined to say no she didn’t.

A couple of hours later, I have the admitting doctor asking me if I want to list her as DNR.  W..T..F??  I’m not her god damned proxy!  This is NOT my fucking decision!  Hell I couldn’t even understand half of what the doctor was saying with her thick accent and fast talking.  I told her what I told the ER doctor, we’ve been estranged.  I don’t know of a proxy.  I don’t know what she wants.  In the end, I told them to list her as DNR.  Bottom line was she was dying.  Pancreatic cancer, based on what symptoms I knew her to have, she was end stage and the survivability rate is zero to none that late in the game.

The next day I heard nothing.  I was hoping she’d come around enough to tell them what she wants.  The day after, well, that was a different story.  Got another call, she’s declining.  They want to remove the BYPAP mask.  Do I consent.  Yes, she end stage in her cancer (finally an actually confirmation). Suddenly the doctor, I mean nurse practitioner, says I’m sorry I can’t discuss this with you but I will take your wishes into consideration.  HUH???  She found a health proxy in my mother’s file.  WHY THE FUCK did it take so long to find???  She said she was going to call the named party and hung up.  Two hours or so later, she passed away.

Now I’m just angry.  Angry that she didn’t care enough to think of these things that are important.  Like what should be done if she was in this kind of situation, who would be responsible, things like that.  Angry that she cared more about gambling then anyone or anything.  If it had value, it got hocked so she could gamble some more.  Gambling was more important then having a relationship with her granddaughters. 

But I/we weren’t the only ones she cut out of her life.  Over the years, she managed to burn bridges and lose friends time and time again.  In the end, the only person that actually talked to her or visited her in the hospital and nursing home was my aunt.  She used predict that for others, I wonder if she ever saw it happening to herself.  But it was all by her choices and actions.

It’s been three weeks now since she passed and I cannot grieve.  I cannot cry.  This has opened old wounds I thought long healed.  And they were, until this.  I had made my peace and come to terms.  I did my grieving years ago when she decided I no longer existed.  I grieved for my daughters not having a grandmother.  I am slowly letting go of the anger, slowly healing again.  But I am not grieving.  Maybe one day, I will be able to weep for her.  But it is not now, it is not today.

 

I Am Still Here! And I Survived NaNoWriMo!

Sorry it’s been a long time between posts and updates.  But I’m still here!

NaNoWriMo:  I rebelled it!   I survived it!  And….(DRUMROLL) I won!  For the first time in 8 attempts!  My story isn’t finished.  It still has a long way to go, and then of course the editing and/or rewriting.  But I did it and damn it felt good!  For so long I believed that it was just a pipe dream, that I couldn’t do it.  I didn’t expect the words to keep coming, yet they did.  I haven’t touched it since November, but I know I’m not done with it.  I am no where near done.  I have a “chapter” that is WAY too long and needs to be broken up into other chapters.  I was on a roll and didn’t want to fuss with the making a new chapter crap in the program I use.  So it just kept going and going and going.  I have a few that are too short and need stuff added to it.

A couple of weeks ago, a new idea popped into my head just as I was falling asleep.  I had the fleeting thought that I should write it down.  But I was too lazy to turn on a light and then go in search of my notebook and pen.  I don’t have a smart phone (or any phone right now) nor do I have a tablet or anything with an app to fill in the need.  I was convinced I would remember it come morning.  HA!  Fat chance.  I vaguely remembered some hit of a story idea.  It took all day and nearly all evening before my Muse was kind enough to remind me of what the idea was.  I’m sure my Muse had a grand ole time at my expense.

I’m not creating art as much as I should be.  I should be painting and making art in my art journal.  But those gremlin voices, they keep me well enough distracted and convinced that I have no business having a paint brush in my hand.  So instead of doing, I sit and imagine I’m doing it.  I daydream about how spectacular my art turns out and that everyone wants to buy it.  But the gremlins keep reminding me that they think my art is utter crap and needs to be buried in the back of the closet never to be seen again.  A such is an artist’s life I suppose.

 

 

 

NaNoWriMo – I’m Really Doing It!

It is now day 10 of NaNoWriMo.  To keep on the 50k track I needed to break 15k yesterday.  I was a little bit behind (about 4,000 words behind).  I slacked off the two previous days, not for because I didn’t want to write.  But because I pulled a muscle in my lower back and the pain was pretty distracting.  It was stupid, I should have been more careful….hell I should have asked my tall and handsome better half to reach it for me.  Inside I pulled a toddler moment of ” I do it!” and oh I did it alright. 

Thankfully I am feeling a bit better.  Yesterday I was determined to catch up.  So I did what anyone that many words behind does.  I procrastinated.All.Day.Long!  Finally sometime around 7 PM, I had enough of this dragging my feet bullshit.  I poured myself a glass of wine, got a pillow to put behind my back to ease the pain, and found a LotR trilogy soundtrack on You-Tube (Pandora just wasn’t cutting it last night).  The sound track was 3 hours and 30 some odd minutes long. 

I opened up my Liquid Story Binder and went to work.  At about the 3 hour and 20 minute mark according to the ‘video’ playing, I was officially at 15,601 words.  Not only did I meet the goal, I passed it.  I had started at about 11,880 words roughly. 

I cannot believe I am actually doing this.  In some ways it kind of feels like a dream.  I’ve written on and off for just over eight years.  This is my 8th attempt at NaNoWriMO.  I have never ever finished any writing attempt or NaNo.  HELL!  I have never written this many words.  I don’t think I have ever even written daily like this.

I gotta say….IT FEELS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!  Even on the days where I just wasn’t feeling it as much, or these couple of pain filled days where I thought “eh I can skip right?”  I didn’t.  I wrote something, added to my story.  Even if it was just a few hundred words. 

Today, then it means to stay on track for word count I need just a hair over a 1000 words.  I can do that. 

Honestly I wanted to update on progress here sooner, but I was afraid I’d jinx it.  I’m still afraid that something will break and I won’t finish.  But a part of me really feels like I can win this time.

Hope you are all having a successful NaNo too.

Previous Older Entries

Blog Stats

  • 188 hits

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 15 other followers

As The Phoenix Rises

A walk in this Witch's shoes

Annika Perry's Writing Blog

Join me as I edit my first novel and aim for publication

hecatedemeter

Undermining the Patriarchy Every Chance I Get. And I Get a Lot of Chances (Copyright Preserved)

The Sword and the Keyboard

Bookish Blogging & More by Lee Ann Kostempski

Witches Of The Craft®

"Witchcraft for the 21st Century"

WoodsPriestess

Exploring the intersection between Nature, the Goddess, art, and poetry as well as the practical work of priestessing.

john pavlovitz

Stuff That Needs To Be Said

Writingalife's Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

BeingRena

figuring it out as I go

bujo bear

For all things bujo, book and beyond...

Shar Inspired Planning

Planning . School . Organization . Planning Life

A Kiss At Midnight Reviews

Reviews written by sweet girls who could make a sailor blush

Trendovy

Inspire Creativity Daily! Art Journaling, Creative Notebooks, Jewelry Making, And All things artsy!

Lamus Dworski

Uncovering Poland: folklore, customs, mythology, legends, history, and more.

 Stanczyk - Internet Muse™

... A Muse — ing                                                

Loving myself well

slowly...gently...kindly.... Shena Meadowcroft ~ SoulSpeak Studio

Kathryn Magendie

Welcome to The Lonely Woman's Guide to Our Galaxy