Still Not Finished

The good news is that only 1 truss was broken.  The bad news is the trusses order were the wrong fucking size!  How do you screw it up after measuring twice on two separate occasions is beyond me. AND…no one ever actually got in the attic to even check shit out!!

The company we went with to do the work…doesn’t actually even do the work!  They sub it all out.  FFS!  Thankfully, we have a seemingly great contractor working on things.  He and his team made the truss work even though it was cut and built wrong.  He said this company that did that is notorious for it.  Now we are waiting on an electrician for the wires to be moved above the truss.  Half the roof is shingled.  The other half should be done on Friday.  There is dry wall up covering as much as possible until the wiring is addressed. Then it should be on to mudding, texturing, painting, etc.

All in all, we could be looking at another two weeks before all is said and done.  The company doing the actual work has a slew of other jobs they are doing as well so we are being worked into the schedule.

They are calling for rain, thunder, and wind this evening.  Possible hail.  All we can do is hope nothing goes crazy and that the wind doesn’t decide to blow away anything.

I am still technically offline.  But I managed to get my ancient laptop working enough to access the blogs and email. I think this thing is still running off XP!!!!!!!!!  But all I had to do was update my browser and I can actually view stuff and of course hop on the blog.  This makes me a bit happy.

So that’s where we are at for now.  Just gotta keep hoping for fair weather.

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At Last!

ROOF UPDATE:

The trusses have finally arrived!
Work begins first thing in the morning.
Hopefully we have a repaired house by next week!

 

Hoping for calm and dry weather while the work is being done.
Rain means no roof work.  So rain, rain stay away for the next few days
until the roof is all purty again.

Seven Years

I meant to write yesterday. I truly did. I wrote on my original blog. But I never got around to writing here.  Probably should have started here first!

Yesterday, marked seven years that I left my narcissist. I can breathe without being afraid. Without walking on eggshells. Without waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.

I never said it out loud.  I never wanted to think on it.  But somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered how long before it turned violent.  To the day I left, he never laid a hand on me.  It was all verbal, emotional, psychological. But somewhere, nagging, in the deep recesses I wondered.

Then I overheard a conversation by someone familiar with my situation.  I heard them say, that they fully believed it was only a matter of time before it would turn physical if I hadn’t left when I did.  I stopped in my tracks.  It was out there. I never said a word about it. But it was out there, I wasn’t crazy.

Yet for all the shit he did and said.  All the mind games.  I’m labeled as the toxic one.  I’m the bad one.  It takes victim blaming to a whole new level for me.

I’m still learning how to move forward.  How to live and breathe without feeling like I am crazy.  I’m still trying to figure out who I am and not who I was told I am. I don’t think that journey will ever end.

Recovery is still recovery, no matter what the situation.  So one day at a time.  Sometimes it has to be one minute at a time, and that’s okay.  I will get there.

 

House Update:
The engineer was out to remeasure/confirm measurements on the trusses.  Something about ordering extra ones because of unseen/unknown damage to others.  They won’t know for sure just how many until they tear it apart.  He said they should be ready in a few days.  That was Wednesday.
He was going to notify the contractor, then depending on their work schedule he was sure we have work started in a few days as well. As soon as the trusses are ready, they can begin.
We thought we would have heard from the contractor.  But alas, still nothing.  Fingers crossed that this coming week, is the week.  Life has been on hold since this mess began. Yesterday was two months since the tree fell.  We are all ready for life to resume.

Unscheduled Hiatus and Update

Sorry that I disappeared unexpectedly for a couple of weeks!  I was abruptly put on hiatus by the damage from the tree.  We are STILL waiting on repairs with no solid ETA on when it will happen!!

About two weeks ago, we had some additional rain which has caused leaking in several of the weak spots in the ceiling.  And since all we have is tarp over the hole outside and a length of plastic over the hole inside, we’ve been having loads of fun stuff happen.

About three weeks ago now, there was another major wind event with hail, 60+ mph wind, rain, thunder that wouldn’t quit. In the wind event, it ripped the tarps up, but not off. This caused all the rain collected on said tarps to come down the hole in the roof and the plastic inside couldn’t hold it so it gave way. Thus make another lovely mess in the kitchen.

After that, we had more rains about a week later.  All the additional rains and “flash flood” through the hole has now been causing cracks in the ceiling, sagging of the ceiling in a few places, as well as leaking in new spots.

Where the new leaks are, is quite close to my computer desk.  So we went into emergency shut down and move them to safety mode.  We were under the assumption that work would be starting a couple days after that.  But we were either misled or we misunderstood, I’m going with the latter.

I’m temporarily set up in another  room.  But we are hoping that work will begin soon, especially since it looks like we will have a much drier two weeks ahead.  FINGERS CROSSED!

In the mean time, I thought I would  try firing up my ancient laptop.  It’s almost 13 years old!!!! Still works, slow as molasses though. Runs Windows 98 still!!!  Most I can get it to do is check email and run my writing software.  I was all excited to maybe do so writing, but as per normal all I could do was stare at the blinking cursor.  I think it’s more that I don’t want to get involved with a project only to have to shut down and/or relocate.

I’m supposed to be doing JuNoWriMo right now.  It’s like NaNoWriMo, except it’s held in June  by an unrelated site.  Next month is Camp again, I’ve set a goal for that at 15,000 for now.

Trying to work off my tablet is driving me bonkers, so I’m grateful for the reprieve to use my PC for a bit.

So that’s what is happening.  Hoping work starts soon. Hoping that while we wait the weather stays dry and calm. And hoping that the ceiling doesn’t come crashing down before hand.

42/100 What’s On My Mind

I’ve got a lot of things running through my head the last few days, weeks.  Some of it is making me feel sick to my stomach, this shows me how much I am my father’s daughter. Stress, anxiety, etc just makes me feel like I want to “toss my cookies”.  My father was the same, only the “other end”.

I’ve been thinking about how people like to change the narrative to suit their needs and victim blame.  How people, in case of abuse, will ask the victim why they stay or stayed so long.  Again, it turns into victim blaming.  Thinking about how there aren’t enough resources for victims and survivors. Definitely not enough resources for those who endure emotional and verbal abuse, if any at all.

I remember when I spoke to a lawyer about my situation.  She said we wouldn’t use the verbal, emotional, financial, psychological abuse in court because it was too hard to prove.  I’m not sure what her plan was going to be, but I didn’t have $5000 to retain her services to find out.  I just know I didn’t want to be underhanded or vindictive, I just wanted out.

I have been thinking about how people I’ve trusted and confided in turned on me. I’ve thought about how when I cried out for help, my pleas went unanswered and ignored with a “you made your bed, you lie in it” attitude.  Except for two people back then. One person, to her I will forever be grateful for being my getaway driver. The other for offering me shelter.

Once again in my life, I have lost everything. The first time I was 16 and have nothing from my childhood.  The second is when I left and was only able to take a limited number of things.  So many sentimental things left behind, things that were my grandma’s or her mother’s.  It hurts that I had to leave them behind. Some of it was just too fragile to take a chance with.

I think about how people will point the finger at the victim and make them out to be the bad guy.  And there’s almost no point to try to defend oneself.

How people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses are looked down on as lazy or crazy.  How resources are so limited and sometimes inaccessible without jumping through a bevy of hoops to more than likely be denied anyway.  Because good luck trying to find a doctor that will actually even believe you in the first place.

Sometimes I think I want to be an advocate and a voice for abuse survivors and/or people with chronic pain and other invisible illnesses like M.E./C.F.S./Fibro. But how do I advocate for others when it’s so hard to just advocate for myself.

I’ve been thinking about if there will ever be a day where I can make it as an artist (writer/photographer/creator of things).  Should I think of someday buying a domain name or not?   First I would like to take back my family name.  I thought I would want something cool or fanciful.  But the more I think about it, the more I want to go back to the name my father gave me.  To do that, I’ve estimated I need roughly $300 to cover things like filing, notices, etc.  I don’t know yet if there are more fees or not, but that is what I have come to so far.  Then there is the question of where the hell am I going to find this money?

I know things will eventually work out like they are supposed to. I just  get impatient sometimes.

May 14 – 41/100 Hurty, Cuz I Need A Bubble Suit!

Very sore.
Very.Sore.

I swear I need a bubble suit lately.  LOL!

The other day, getting in the car I attempted to sidestep a twig that was aiming for my ankle and in the process whacked said leg into to the corner of the car door.  It’s now a pretty shadow of purple in that spot. BUT….I avoided the twig!

A few days before that, our Border Collie went after his ball and lost his footing.  So all 68 pounds of him bounded over my foot. I was sure something fractured in there.  It is also a lovely shade of purple.

Then last night, I bent down to put the bowl of cat food outside for the neighbor’s cat. He likes to come of a snack and say hello.  As I went to stand back up, thinking I was clear but apparently not I jammed my shoulder well and good into the wand that opens and closes the vertical shade at the back door.  Hurts like the dickens, there’s a welt under the skin, and I am sure in a day or so it too will be a lovely shade of purple.

I mean, guys…gals….I love purple but not this much LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Also hurting in other areas unrelated to but probably triggered by my clumsiness of the last week or two.  It hurts down my entire spine.

I have also been emotionally triggered.  So I’m sure it is going to get worse before I feel better.

It is what it is and all I can do is try and be gentle with myself.

 

 

May 13 – 40/100

I didn’t realize I missed a post yesterday until I had just about fallen asleep. Well, at that point, I wasn’t getting up to  write something.

It’s Mother’s Day. It wasn’t until I was grown up that it occurred to me (after hearing it in various circles) that why is it only set to one day? Should it not be a daily thing? I know, I know….money, marketing, etc.  Big business for many places.  I just can’t understand why a mother (or father come father’s day) is only super important one day a year. What about the other 364 day?

In the last few days, a week maybe two even, as today was drawing nearer I have been thinking about my Mom. We didn’t have the greatest relationship.

As I’ve mentioned before, she didn’t allow me to do the normal kid things like have or go to sleep overs, birthday parties, play dates.  I was about 12 before I was able to over a friend’s house to play. Close to 13 before I ever went to a sleep over.  I went to exactly 2 sleep overs. Same kids, once when they lived down the street and then when they moved to their new house.  That was it. I didn’t go on dates. She was always around.

After I got married, we didn’t speak for almost three years.  It wasn’t until I was expecting my first that we spoke again. We didn’t speak often, she didn’t have a phone. I probably spoke to her after I had the baby, the week I visited with said child, the week of my father’s funeral.  I honestly can’t recall actually talking to her until I found out I was pregnant with and lost my second.  Then when I was pregnant and gave birth to my youngest. The last time I probably spoke to her was when the youngest was almost three.  The last letters were probably a year later.

My mother died four years ago and it was over 15 years since we last spoke/wrote.  I’m okay with it.  I really am.

At first I was angry, not so much that she didn’t want to speak to me but because she would take every opportunity to trash talk me with lies and half-truths. I might have been a little hurt too.  But after a while, I just became numb to it I guess. I couldn’t change it or stop it.  I lived 900 miles away. People would either believe her or not.  I stopped caring either way.

I couldn’t, still don’t understand all that.  But strangely enough, I think I do understand something about her.  I don’t think she was meant for motherhood.  She had my sister, gave her up.  She had me, I think because it was expected of her because she was married.  My father swears she caused a miscarriage of the one after me.  I think he thought she might have tried to do that with me too.  I don’t think she actually wanted me, but was instead stuck with me.  I don’t think she had the skill set to be a mother.

She kept me fed and clothe and clean.  Once I hit 16, she told me she did her job taking caring of me and that it was now time for me to take care of her.  I think she actually expected me to repay her for everything.

I don’t know what it was like between her and her mother.  I only know what I was told about her father, and that was that he was strict and cruel, abusive even.  I don’t know how he was with my grandmother. I don’t know if she tried to protect them from him, or was she a willing participant. The rod wasn’t spared, the children weren’t spoiled but it seems all the kids between the oldest and youngest were wayward in some way or other.

So as I think about her, I think that she didn’t know how to be a mom in the “traditional” sense.  Not the idyllic sense of the word, the way books or TV would have us think of a mom.

And maybe I am way off  base here.  Maybe I am totally wrong in my thinking.  If she didn’t want me, she was stuck with me and I don’t think she knew what to do. So, I think that she just didn’t know how to be a mother.

May 10 – 39/100 Zoo Day

Had a lovely day at the zoo.  My first time visiting Boise Zoo.  It’s small, but fun.  While they don’t have elephants or pandas or gorillas, they did have a couple of Red Pandas and a Snow Leopard who happened to be in a playful mood rolling in the grass.

Most of the animals seemed to be in nap mode, though a few were awake and moving about.  Not all my photos came out like I hoped. I have now discovered that shooting through the enclosures with my lens is not the best since it focuses on the fence links instead of what I am trying to photograph. So my giraffe pictures and some of my wild cats didn’t come out well.  Makes me sad, but hopefully I will get to go back when the butterfly exhibit is open.

My new favorite animal is a Bear Sloth.  I did not know such a creature existed!

Here are a few of my favorites from today’s adventure.

Snow Leopard

Playful Big Kitty

Sloth Bear

Sloth Bear She says, “Is this my good side?”

IMG_6953.JPG

IMG_6982.JPG

May 9 – 38/100 When It Rains, It Pours

Literally!!!!!!!!!!

If you have been reading along the last few weeks, you know we had a tree fall on the house and into the kitchen exactly thirty two days ago.  Thank the gods the tree is cut down because if it wasn’t the other half would definitely be in the house too.

We had another wind event this afternoon. I swear it was even worse than that one last month. The whole house shook and roar from the force of the wind.  Torrential down pour, lightening, thunder that just didn’t stop, hail, and then the wind.  It ripped the tarps off the roof, the plastic inside then caved in from the amount of water coming in.

It.Was.A.Mess!  Everything got covered in rain and muck from the tree pollen and leaves.

The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes, but felt like forever. The cats, ha! Bless them, pretty much could care less about what happened. The dogs however, were all shaking and crying.  It was all we could do to huddle them together and love on them, assuring them it was going to be okay.

When all was said and done, the kitchen was again a disaster. Got the insurance company called ASAP. They in turn called the restoration people to get their asses out here and fix the tarps.  They were out here quick enough and had us bandaged in about an hour.

All we can do is hope these trusses are built and ready soon, then we need three consecutive dry days for them to be installed and the rest of the construction repairs to be done.

We have more rain coming in Friday and Saturday. Possible wind too.  This all can’t be finished soon enough.

May 8 – 37/100

This came across the web waves to me several days ago.  I’ve walked on eggshells all my life. Still do, all the time. Even when I don’t have to, I do it.  I hope I can get to a day where I can stomp the eggshells and crush that shit to bits.  The pain will be enormous and probably most likely unbearable.  Maybe one day I will get there.  Maybe one day I will finally feel like I am enough.crush the eggshells quote

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