I Need To Slow Down

Another windy day. A little chillier than yesterday. Needed more than just a sweater to step outside. But I had to feed the birds. Some bread, some fruit. I will have to go around and fill up the feeders. Should this wind ever come down a few notches.

While I was out, I took my camera. YAY! I played. But did I? I had time. There was no rush. And yet…
When I got back inside and sat down to upload to my computer, I realized that I in a word Rushed. I didn’t take the time to adjust F-stops or ISO. I focused and clicked the shutter. Focused, clicked. Focus, clicked. Yes it is breezy. Yes that makes focusing difficult. But I had time. I didn’t have to hurry.

That is one of my biggest problems. I don’t take the time. If I race through the process of taking a photo, how am I supposed to learn my camera? I might as well just take a cell phone or a point and shoot. I can’t hone my skills if I’m rushing every time I take a picture.

But as I’m typing this, I realize I do this with art too. I don’t take time to do a spread. I don’t take time to have a conversation with the canvas and brush. I always feel like I have to rush through the process. Not taking the time to listen, to learn. Why? Who am I racing against? Is it because I feel like if I don’t do it right then, I won’t get done? Is it because I’m afraid that if I get too involved in creating I will get interrupted and not find my groove again?

Sometimes I wonder why I even try to write. I’m discouraged from getting up early. I’m discouraged from stay up later. I feel like I write best with no distractions. When the house is quiet. And yet, I am discouraged from taking advantage of those times. I’m a grown woman. I should be allowed to make my own choices. I should be able to try to be productive with writing when it’s best for me.

When I try to write in the in-between times, I’m interrupted by life. Or being asked silly questions like “what are you doing? what are you writing? why are you doing that?” It’s annoying LOL.

For today though, I will take the victory of playing with my camera. Here is some photos I took today.

After I pulled these and a few more off my camera, I checked the news. And saw that the jury was back.

This afternoon felt like we were holding a collective breath. The verdict was in. As news switched to the courtroom, I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I was starting to shake as the judge read the counts and the jury’s decisions. Then I began to cry.
Justice!

Oh Monday, We Meet Again

How is it Monday again already? I mean, didn’t we just have one? Honestly, my days sometimes run together so much I don’t know up from down. I lose track of time and days easily. I didn’t used to be like this. It seems like it all started with the brain fog and then just is enhanced with this pandemic. The time change isn’t helping either. It’s been what three? four? weeks now? And I, we here still can’t get on track with it. Talking to the neighbor some yesterday and they are feeling the same with this time change. I don’t know why this one feels so different and why it’s taking so long to find the rhythm.

We’ve got wind today. Not like this at all. NOPE! We’ll be in this weather pattern until at least Thursday. Today and tomorrow I think it is said will be the worst of it. I think April is trying to compete with March on who’s windier.

It’s windy enough that I had to take down two of the four bird feeders. The birds are not happy with me about that. So in between gusts, I went out and scattered some on the ground for them. The red wings will “yell” at me from their perches in the trees when I’m slow to getting food out. And they really let me have it when we run out.

One of my favorite sounds when I lived in the South was the night call of the Whippoorwill. They would start at dusk and go until dawn as they are nocturnal birds. I never saw them, but could hear them call as the made their way around the cul-de-sac. We don’t have them out here in Idaho. But I’ve been hearing a bird that sounds similar, except during the day. Yesterday, I was told that it’s the Western Quail. Quail are so fun to watch. But their call brings a smile to my face to hear, even if it’s not quite the same.

Then we have the Rooster pheasant that goes around calling his hens. Which he has two that I know of. He’s a pretty bird, so much color. I wish I could get a picture of him, but boy is he fast!

On today’s menu we will be having spaghetti with homemade meat sauce. Rescue dad is home for a few days and this is what sounds good to him. He drives truck, so he’s only home a few days a month. And when he’s home, we try our best to make the things he wants. Usually through out the month too, we try to make extra of certain meals to freeze for him to take when he goes back on the road. The pandemic has been hard on truck drivers too. They can’t just pull into a drive thru to order. And many places don’t allow them to walk up either. Even with some places allowing sit down dining, he’s avoided it as much as possible. I think he’s only dined in maybe twice since places have allowed it. He got his second dose of the vaccine today, so we all feel better knowing that.

That’s about all I can think of today. Brain is a little foggy, can’t keep my thoughts in order. Until tomorrow then…

Tell Me A Story

May be an image of one or more people and text that says 'ONE DAY yoU WiLL TELL YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU OVERCAME WHAT yoU WENT THROUGH AND iT WiLL BE SOMEONE ELSE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE'
(image found on Facebook. originator unknown.)

I have been getting little snippets like this image on and off for a loooooooooooong time now. But more so in the last few days after the post about other people trying to define my story and them trying to define my truth.
I have had arguments in my head about this very sort of thing. That my story isn’t important. That my story doesn’t matter. Than no one will ever want to hear it or even believe it. That it wouldn’t be helpful to anyone. That it could have been worse and maybe just stop telling my story.

I feel like I have to do a lot of justifying to others about what I’ve been through. What my responses were. Why did I stay so long. Why didn’t I divorce sooner. Was it really that bad. Then comes the you just need to get over it. And the, You can’t change the past so just move on.

I also don’t like having to justify why I’m reading a particular book, or blog, or article. Or why I’m writing what ever it is I might be writing. And why do I paint what I do. (when I do paint that is) I’ve been told that my girls have a creepy look in their eyes. But I don’t see it. So I tried to do some with closed eyes. But how can I improve my eye drawing skills if I can’t do them because someone doesn’t like them.

Once upon a time, I was very much a jeans, t-shirt, and/or sweatshirt kind of girl. It’s what I was comfortable in. I got told that I was stuck in the 80’s and need to do something about my wardrobe. I said I liked the 80’s for the most part so I’m good with being stuck there. Besides, he wouldn’t have let me spend the money to remake my wardrobe anyway. Not that I wanted to. I didn’t see the need to wear “church clothes” to go to the grocery store or to Target. I’m not a fancy person.

I am still a bit like that, but a lot of my jeans don’t fit right now. And I’m trying to find a style that is truly me. I love smock dresses and boots, leggings and long shirts, what I wouldn’t give for a pair of overalls that fit right. I need me some boots, short above the ankle kind and some mid-calf kind. I want a pair of hiking boots or shoes to walk some of the back road here and for if I ever get on a trail again.

I looked at my post’s title again. You know, I never asked anyone to tell me a story. Or to read me a story. It wasn’t something we did. I wonder if that’s why it took me so long to get into reading for pleasure. Before that it was always for school assignments and that was it. I think I started reading some Judy Blume books in fourth grade because I’m pretty sure it was the subject of a book report I had to do. In sixth grade, I discover the “Little House” books and Laura Ingalls Wilder. I wanted to be Laura. I’ve probably seen every episode of the show a dozen times or more, read the books more times than I can remember too. I read every book I could find about Laura at the time. I wanted to be a writer just like her. I wanted to have a remembrance book like she talked about she wished she had to write about their arrival at Plum Creek. I wanted cows, chickens, horses, a garden to grow my own veggies. I’ve had the chickens (and ducks), There was a pig when I arrived here. I’ve a several gardens.

I wonder why I was never read to as a child or told stories. At least not the stories like fairy tales or the like. I was told only what I wasn’t and what I would never or could never be. I was told how lazy or stubborn I was. I was even told I was an accident. And that I shouldn’t have been born. But that’s a post for another time.

But why? Why do people do this? Why do people find such pleasure in make someone feel unworthy? Why do they find such joy in convincing another person they are worthless?

Why do we constantly have to prove and justify who we are and what we do in our art, writing, photography, reading, etc.? Why do people feel the need to judge and criticize us for our style, for who we are?

Why? Why? Why?

Saturday Summary

  • Did manage to get out for errands that needed doing today. Y’all….It was damn people-y out there! Like way, way, way too many damn people. And cars. It was like the flood gates opened.
  • Had to hit up the Home Depot. We were looking to get paint, but holy crap the prices per gallon went up. And we couldn’t find a match to the colors we wanted because they were from a different place and brand. Color matching doesn’t always do it well. So we held off on that.
  • Being Saturday, HD was packed. And it was all we could do to avoid people as best we could to get what we needed and leave. About a 1/4 of the shoppers were without masks. People are stupid! It pisses me off that people won’t do a simple thing.
  • Stopped in a couple of pawn shops. I got so excited at the first one because I had lenses close to what I wanted. BUT… they were for Nikons. DAMN IT! Got excited again at the second place. A Tamron, still in the box. Zoom I was looking for. But I stopped looking when I noticed it said for Nikon. So, I’m still hunting. Just not today.
  • You know the pollen is high when your allergy meds aren’t working at 100%. It’s in the high range again, trees are popping everywhere. We have trees in the catkin family out back and in front. But it’s the back one that is dropping its stuff everywhere. Come fall, it will do it again except then it will look like it’s snowing cotton fluff.
  • We looked at some trees today. Cherry, Weeping Cherry, Magnolia, Peach. They had a good variety. And some were just loaded with blossoms. But we didn’t get any since we didn’t have the pick-up. And we’re still looking and pricing. Definitely want a Cherry. Maybe a Peach and a Plum. A weeping something too.
  • Oh! Did you know that the different colors of heart emojis have different meanings???? I sure didn’t!! And depending on what article you read, you will get different meanings. I think it’s silly. Why can’t the heart just be that regardless of what color you chose?! Some days I’m in a blue mood so I pick blue hearts. Other times it’s purple ones. Does everything have to code for some secret message? Makes a person not want to use any emojis, period!
  • The Venetian pork chops came out pretty good. I don’t know if I did it right or not. My vinegar didn’t completely evaporate. But it was still very tasty. I also made oven roasted zucchini spears with garlic and parmesan. The rice dish I chose for the side probably wasn’t the best choice. It was one of those microwave bags of flavored things. It was meh to me. I would definitely make this again. But make a different rice dish. Or maybe roasted potatoes.
  • Tomorrow I’ll toss a pot roast in the old trusty crock pot. YUMMY YUMMY!

Hope you’ve had an enjoyable Saturday!

Friday

I’d like to start by saying welcome to my new followers.
And thank you to everyone who has been reading and leaving comments.

It’s a lovely day outside. Still a bit chilly, but so nice in the sun. The plan was to hit up Home Depot today to pick up paint to redo the living room tomorrow. But that was thwarted. And for good reason. Rescue Mom has been suffering from plantar fasciitis. At her follow up earlier this week, there wasn’t much change and so she had to get cortisone shots in her foot. The order was to take it easy for three days after to give the stuff a chance to work its way and do its thing. She takes care of her two year old grandbabe while the parents work. Do you know how hard it is to take it easy with a toddler? I help out if and when needed, but there are days where Bug wants nothing to do with me and it’s all about the Gramma. This week was one of those weeks. So today being an off day, Mom’s son ordered her to rest. That whatever was planned can wait a day.

In this time I was hoping to pop into a couple of pawn shops to check out if they had lenses and what they might be asking for them. Looks like that’s waiting a day too. But if it means her foot heals, it’s worth waiting for.

I then thought that I might go out and play with the camera instead. Well dontcha know there’s a skunk close by. Because suddenly the living room was filled eau du le pepe le pew. Now whether the critter was waddling around some place close by and let loose or it was hit by a car, I have no idea. I certain don’t want to meet said skunk. It’s been a couple of hours now or more, the air has cleared. So maybe I will after all, just maybe not where I was thinking of walking.

Tonight I will be attempting to make Venetian pork chops. I’ve never done it before. Someone shared the recipe with us that made who said it was really good. The recipe comes from an episode of “Somebody Feed Phil” on Netflix. If you like food programs this one is pretty good. Phil is the creator, writer, and executive producer of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. We love to watch Phil’s food and travel program, but since we’re all caught up we have to wait for new episodes hopefully.

Today is a quiet day. Even if my mind is running rampant with memories of different events from my childhood. Things that I still don’t understand nor can I make sense of. Perhaps I’ll write about some of them this weekend.

Thursday This & That

  • I want to get a new lens for my camera. I have a Canon Rebel T5 that came with the 18-55mm kit lens. It was a gift for my birthday a few years ago. I have yet to truly learn the ins and outs of it. I’m intimidated by all the different settings. I haven’t “graduated” to full Manual Mode, but I have gotten myself out of autopilot. I play around in Av mode which gives me some wiggle room and gives me Aperture priority. I ventured into Tv mode a time or two, that gives me Shutter priority. There is actually a “Landscape” option and a “Close-Up” option. But since I’ve switched over to Av, I kind of forgotten about those settings. The goal is to eventually move into Manual some day. And to shoot RAW. My current SD card doesn’t have the space to shoot RAW right now, so I don’t. I suppose I am in the market for one of those as well.
  • I’d like to get an all around lens, so I’m not lugging a lot of stuff and having to switch lenses. As with any hobby or profession, there are purists out there. I asked about a couple of particular lenses in a Canon camera group and boy oh boy. It didn’t matter that I said I was on a limited budget or that I’m a hobbyist/amateur. I don’t have an income to just “save up” for something “better”. I got a few it’s an okay lens, and more it’s a shit lens don’t bother with it. I did expect it though. I just think part of me had hoped they would keep what I stated in mind when commenting. Something like “well it isn’t the best lens, but for your skill set and price range it’s good” or ya know something in that vein. I did ask in another local photography group and they were kinder and offered other options to look into in the price range I can manage.
  • All my talking about my camera is making me want to go outside with it. But my hip and knee are still bugging me. It’s sunny but chilly and there’s a slight wind. It’s more the wind and chilliness that is making me hesitate about going out and about the property.
  • Some lenses I am considering are:
    Canon EF 75-300 f/4
    Canon EF 55-250 f/4
    Canon EF 70-300 *supposed to be better than the first one I listed because I believe this on has the image stabilizer (IS)* (might be out of my budget range)
    Tamron 18-200 IS EF f/3.5-6.3 Di II VC
    ***OUT OF BUDGET***but can dream of:
    Canon 18-135 f/3.5-5.6 IS STM
    Sigma 18-200 f/3.5-6.3 DC Macro OS HSM ‘C’
    Tamron 18-400 f/3.5-6.3 Di II VC HLD
  • So yes, still pained. Taking OTC stuff isn’t doing much for it and I pretty much told my doctor I don’t want strong meds. I’ve read about too many bad side effects. I’ve gained enough weight on my thyroid meds as it is. I’m going to jump in the shower here in a bit when I’m done with this post. But, even that doesn’t help much. I’ve actually had my hip/leg/foot go tingly and have that “falling asleep” feeling while standing in the shower.
  • Pained but functioning. And that’s what counts. I am still functioning, even if I’m not at 100%.
  • Tomorrow is Friday and we’ll be getting some wall paint to redo the living room. At least that is the current plan anyway. Pick up paint tomorrow, paint Saturday since it’s supposed to be in the 70s. As always, this is subject to change based on how I and rescue Mom feel.
  • I think it’s time to hop in the shower. Watch the latest episode of “New Amsterdam” when I get out, then more camera research and video reviews for what I’m interested in.

Thanks for reading about my camera babble today.

Wednesday Woo-Woo & Stuff

  • I get Ethony’s weekly email where she includes a weekly card pull. You pick a card or pile intuitively for a weekly message. This week I chose 2 and 3. And don’t ya know….. Both were spot on for what I’ve pretty much been writing about the last few days. #2 talks about letting go of the past and moving forward. And about letting go of the stories we tell ourselves that limit our growth. #3 talks about getting out of the cycle your are stuck in, that it’s time to break the cycle and step out of your comfort zone.
  • Wow! I mean if that isn’t a kick in the ass. I don’t know what is. But I can think about it. I can make plans to try and move forward, to let things go, to step out. My trouble is with the actual doing and taking action. I get frozen, paralyzed by the fear of the “what ifs”, of the unknown, of the “what if I’m making the wrong choice or the wrong step”.
  • I keep seeing things come up about truth. Living your truth. Speaking your truth. Being your true self. “The truth will set you free”. It’s a hard thing to speak your truth. Hard to live it when you don’t quite know exactly what that looks like.
    I’ve questioned and doubted my truth and my story because I’ve been told so many times that it isn’t or wasn’t how it happened. That I am/was over reacting. That I am/was making more out of it than needed to be. That I remember it wrong or that it never happened. That I am/was just being dramatic, seeking attention, or whatever other label was put on it.
    It’s really hard when you’ve been told that your story isn’t your story. Or that you need to just forget it and move on because if it did happen you can’t change it.
    I think there will be more truth seeking in my days. If nothing more than to confirm to myself what I know and that I’m not crazy like some would have had me believe.

  • The thing that I’m waiting for to happen. I’m still waiting. But it’s one step closer. Just waiting for it to be made official. It was so hard not to look and see. But I got an email this afternoon notifying me where things were at in the process. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Anxiously, nervously, impatiently waiting. No doubt will be holding my breath in the process while I wait.

  • Had to take our old Doxy to the vet today. He had a growth removed from his foot two weeks ago. It was impeding his walking. He’d catch it on the step and it would bleed. And he was starting to mess with it. So we had him checked out first to see if it was even possible to remove. We got the go ahead and had it done. Today was stitch removal. Vet said he did well, the site looks really good. And his pre-op labs more or less confirm our suspicion of him having Cushings. The actual labs for that are around $450!!!! But since he needed labs done before the surgery, there were markers they could look at. And he checked all the boxes in that regard. The medicine is about $80 a month and the treatment isn’t guaranteed to work. Some dogs it’s a success, other dogs it does nothing for them. At his age, the vet doesn’t think it is worth doing. Outside of a grade 3-4 heart murmur, he’s as good as it gets for 12 years old. Vet said “what ever you are doing is working so keep it up.” We are honestly surprised he has even made it this long. He belonged to my rescue Mom’s mother. And she passed away almost 5 years ago. He was her companion since he was a pup and he took losing her very hard. We honestly expected he would go shortly after she did. But he’s a stubborn little bastard LOL.
  • Pollen is through the roof again today. I feel it even with allergy meds on board. Still feels like the barometric pressure is still wonky too because I feel it. Tomorrow’s pollen outlook isn’t going to be much better than today’s. CRAP!
  • I feel like I haven’t slept enough, even though I have slept. I’m in that cycle where the amount of sleep I do get just never feels like it’s enough. I feel like I need an IV of coffee to function well enough. I hate this feeling. It’s so frustrating. Then I feel like I don’t have energy or the attention span to be or do anything other than being a couch potato.
  • I missed my thyroid pill this morning because I woke up “too late” to take it. I try to take it by 6 AM or 630 AM at most. That gives me time to doze a little more if I can. And it gives me time to even just lay there for the next hour or so before I can have coffee. What I wouldn’t do to be able to take it with my coffee!!! But that I have to take it on an empty stomach and then wait at least an hour….just sucks!!! Then I have to 4 hours before I can take a vitamin or other supplement, even an antacid. Thank goodness I don’t have to take that very often *knock on wood*. Missing it this morning means though I have an extra day now while I wait for my refill request to go through. Every time I put a request in I pray they don’t want to have me come in just yet because of the insurance fiasco.
  • That fiasco may or may not be coming to an end soon. But just because one part is tackled doesn’t mean there won’t be more hurdles to jump. It’s just another thing I will just have to wait and see how it plays out. I have no say in how the one part of this mess plays out. And it being out of my control is extremely frustrating!!

My Wednesday has been uneventfully eventful. And let’s hope all is moving in the right direction.

Tuesday’s Thoughts

  • I feel cruddy today. Fairly sure it’s just allergies. No fever, so that’s a plus. Just feel blah like either the pollen is kicking my butt or I’m trying to catch a Spring cold. Either way…bleh!
  • And my hip and knee hurt. UGH! It’s bad enough when it’s one or the other, but both together just makes me whiny. I have taken some Advil to help with it, but it doesn’t always work. Especially if it’s Fibro related then I’m just more or less done for and will have to wait for it to pass.
  • I got on the scale last night. FUCK that was a mistake. A big mistake. I should have stayed in the dark. Well probably not really but ya know. Back in September I went to my new doctor. He ran a full lab panel. Vampires took 8 vails of blood!!!! But it was discovered that I am hypothyroid and estrogen dominant. I was placed on medications for both. Now, since then, I’ve gained roughly 10 pounds. It fluctuations by a couple pounds, between 172 and 175. I don’t like it. I’ve had to go to the thrift store to find pants. I’ve opted for leggings and got lucky and found LuLaRoe leggings. Most I’ve paid for a pair was 5.99 I think. I found a pair of jeans. That don’t hurt to wear. Which is why I have opted for the leggings, they don’t have buttons to press on my tender spots around my inside lady parts. I have adenomyosis and probably endometriosis. Some days are pretty uncomfortable and/or down right painful.
  • Making “Lazy Stuffed Peppers” for dinner tonight. The peppers aren’t big enough for stuffing so I will be making them the lazy way. Usually we reserve this method for summer time when it’s too hot for oven cooking. Every thing is done in a large frying pan on the stove top. Dice up the peppers, brown the meat, all in the same pan. Drain if necessary. Add in your other ingredients. I prefer to use Minute Rice for this. (Okay, I use Minute Rice for almost everything! that calls for rice). Add in your liquids and let simmer until rice is done. Top with cheese if you like and enjoy. I do the same method with zucchini squash.
  • I want a nap. Or at least to lay down. But day naps mess me up for the night and I have trouble going to sleep. As a person with sleep issues as it is, I don’t need to add to it. I feel like I have taken a benadryl, but I didn’t.
  • Maybe I’ll just go snuggle the heating pad for my hip at least. I can zone out on something on Hulu or Prime. Waiting for season 4 of “Unforgotten” to be on Prime. It just finished it’s UK television run. I miss having Starz. I won’t have it again until “Outlander” is up for season 6. I can always just go watch “Downton Abbey”. I’m in the middle of season 2, I think. For the third time. I still haven’t seen the movie! *pouts*.
  • I’m trying not to look to see if the thing is done. I haven’t been notified yet, so I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to look and then be disappointed.
  • Not having a dishwasher sucks. Ours died a few months ago. And our stove is trying to die to. We’re down one burner. Another works when it wants to. Both the big ones of course. We don’t have luck with the burners on our stoves. This is why we had it replaced the last time, when we were still renting the house. I wish we had a gas stove, then maybe this wouldn’t be an issue.
  • Huh! Just got a slap on the wrist for a post on the social media site most of us use. I had come across a post made by one of out local news reporters about a baby calf who was rejected by its momma. The family brought the calf indoors and is bottle feeding it. Y’all….It has a binky!! A pacifier! Which is more or less what the original post said. That the baby had a binky. I shared said photo with a friend with a link to the original post. Said social media friend is under the weather so it seemed like a cute animal photo would cheer her up. And this happens!! So stupid. It’s not spam. It’s not abusive. It’s not a lie or fake news. It’s a cute animal picture FFS! *sigh*

Hope your Tuesday is going well.

Today

Allergies are bugging me and making me feel like crud. Yes, I took an allergy pill. But I still feel meh. Mostly in my eyes, which is annoying. At least they don’t itch. It’s mostly tree pollen and it’s in the Medium to High range at I think it was something like 8.4. Forecast shows it will be even higher tomorrow, something this gal doesn’t want to hear! But what can you do but take a pill and hope for the best.

I think my eyes are bugging me some too because we have more gusty winds headed our way for tomorrow and Wednesday. I’m not a fan of wind. Not for the gusts we can get here in the valley. And especially after the tree branch fell through our kitchen ceiling three years ago. What A MESS!!! It took just over two months to get fixed. So ever since then, we all sort of hold our breath when we get windy and especially have high winds.

Today is day 31. I think. Of a thing. That I can’t talk about yet. But I’m holding my breath on this one too. Maybe it happened today. Maybe it will be in the next 14 days. Or even in the next 29. I have no way of knowing. I just have to wait.

As of just before I started writing this post, I calculated my necessary word count to meet my current goal. I need roughly 940 words a day for the next 18 days. I know I can hit that number and more. But some days, ya know. You just don’t feel it and you write barely anything. Other times you can not be feeling it and yet still crank out way more than you hoped. Then there’s the glorious days where you are on a roll. Those are the best days. Sometimes. I think it’s days that I’m not feeling it but then find a groove and hit the numbers I didn’t expect to reach. Those days feel pretty amazing!!

I don’t think I’m going to make it to 940 words with this post. And that’s okay. What matters is that I am writing.

I was reading one of the blog posts from yesterday about lost stories. I really felt that one deeply. I look at my heritage albums that I made back when I was into scrapbooking. And the box of photos that are almost 80 years old. Oh no, correction…I just calculated and there are some that are almost 85 years old!!! Some I know who is the pictures, many I don’t. There are some in the album that I noted who people were and others that I didn’t. Now I’ve forgotten who they were and there is no one for me to ask. I’ve hit many road blocks researching my family tree because so many of the records are either in Poland or Ukraine. They either haven’t been archived yet or they could even be lost. I regret not having recorded conversations with my Babci about those days when she was living in Poland, during the war. I regret not having written down things she told me while they were fresh in my mind.

I always thought I would have more time. I think I sometimes thought she would live forever. But I always thought I’d have time. Some stories she told me many times over. Others not so much. I wish I had done more to learn to speak, read, and write Polish. I could have when I was in elementary school. They had Polish school on Saturdays for a few hours in the morning. I wanted to learn. My dad wanted me to go too. But because it was what he wanted, my mother refused. When I said I’d like to go, she said why when your in school all week already and you hate it. Why go on Saturday too, enjoy your weekends. She did it all out of spite. It was same with Polish dance classes. I wanted to learn, my father wanted me to learn. So she said no. Do you see a pattern here?

All I can do now is write the things I do remember and hope for the best. I can try to learn the language now, but it will be harder I know.

Take the time. Listen to the old ones. The stories are important. The stories matter.

New Moon In Aries

New Moon Blessings!!!

I was reading a e-news letter that I got this morning that was saying something to the effect that this is the “true new year” in the astrological sense because Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac. How much truth is there in that? No clue, since I can’t find anything in that regard. Every combination of words that I think of all goes back to Chinese New Year which was a couple of months ago. So to say I’m a bit confused is an understatement.

I’m a Scorpio, Capricorn rising, Gemini moon. I have a Libra Stellium. Do I understand what all of that means? Nope, not really. Other than I’m a Scorpio. 😀 Only in the last year or so have I come to understand that it is beneficial to also read your rising sign when reading your horoscope. At this point this is all I really know about my astrological chart.

Back to the New Moon. It’s a good time to plant seeds and set intentions. Or so I am told. In Theresa Reed’s (aka The Tarot Lady) forecast for Scorpio says that “A new direction opens up. Adventure awaits! See where the path takes you.” And she drew the Eight of Cups for that. She also says that “the new moon in Aries favors fresh starts”. Lots of good stuff in her post. Here is another really good post about this New Moon and it’s “Let’s do it!!!” energy.

I’m taking this new moon’s energy as a sign for me about the new beginnings. I’m thinking about what direction I want things to take as far as my creative life. I want an intentional creative practice that is including all aspects of the ways in which I want to and love to create. In painting, mixed media, art journaling, writing, photography, crochet. I like to envision sometimes possibly being good enough in photography to maybe sell a few prints. Or maybe one day my art will be good enough to sell to someone. Perhaps one day, I will get a book out of my head and on paper and it will be a good thing, maybe even good enough to print and publish.

I really feel like my life has been stuck on pause, on hold for the last several years. I have felt like I couldn’t move forward because I have not been feeling authentically me. Even though I don’t yet know what that looks like. All I know is that THIS (waves hands) isn’t it.

I don’t know what an intentional creative life looks like. But I do know it doesn’t look like me do nothing and going in circles wondering where to start or being afraid to make the first brush stroke. Or to go out with my camera and screw what people think of me take pictures. There’s the fear again. What a pest!!! So another intention: to be intentionally brave. Shit that’s huge isn’t it?! Maybe more than I can chew? Should I take it back? Hmm, no because that means staying in fear. But do I have what it takes to be brave. To be intentional. Even though Intention(al) is my word for this year. Along with Sacred. I forgot to mention that when I talked about my word in another post. I’m carrying Sacred for the third year because we aren’t done with each other yet.

So I’m going to go and figure out what my new moon intentions are. Many blessings to you.

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