Another Year Over

Almost anyway.
In my time zone, the new year will be in under 11 hours or so.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks.
More so the last few days, as one does when sick and in a hazed
stupor of cold meds and low grade fever.

I’ve been thinking about what direction I want the blog to take.
Do I continue this one?  I can’t change the domain of it, only the blog title.
Or do I start from scratch?  Choose the domain a bit more wisely than I did
when I started this one.
I was so green still about blogging.  I had wanted it to be “The Forgotten Muse”, but
that didn’t happen because I typed the wrong thing in the wrong space.  I still want that,
because that’s who I am so to speak.  But I’ve had another idea I’ve been mulling over.
Along with the whole “Vodka and Rosaries” thing.  I just haven’t figured out pulling it all
together yet.
Part of me wants to start fresh, with a new blog space.
Part of me wants to just revamp here.
It’s a minor thing, but major at the same time.  IF that makes sense.

I know a lot of my fellow bloggers and online friends are asking the same question,
Do people even read blogs anymore?  Is it worth keeping up a space?
I don’t know. Personally, I still read them.
Blogging has been a way for me to vent over the last decade and has connected me with
some pretty amazing people.
So me, I’ll keep on blogging because I enjoy it.  I enjoy the writing.

I got some wonder new art toys for Christmas.
Gesso, a jar of Liquitex Stucco which should be fun to try.
A set of Arteza metallic acrylics.  An acrylic gouache, that is completely new to me.
Two new brushes.

I was also supposed to get Black Lava by Liquitex.
But some asshole stole out of the mailbox.
Neither the seller, nor Amazon will do anything because it shows as delivered.
They said to go file a police report.  Fat lot that will do.
I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be able to play with it, but excited for the new stuff I do have.
Now…if I can just stop hacking and coughing long enough to play with it all.

Finally, I come to my word for 2020.
I pretty much decided around my birthday, I’d say, that I was going to keep SACRED for another year.  I felt like I really didn’t dive into like I had wanted to.
But I am also choosing ALIGN(MENT), as a second word.
Should be interesting I think.

Here’s to a happy, healthy, prosperous, creative New Year!!

December Reflections

I know, it’s only the 6th. Isn’t it a bit soon to be reflecting?
I dunno. Maybe. But here I am. Doing it anyway.  I’m a rebel like that lol.

I suppose when it gets to this time of year, I can’t help but look back at all the places where I “missed the mark” or “stuck the landing”.  I had a few sticks here and there, I’m sure.  But probably way more misses than I would have liked. Well, the misses are the ones that always stand out, don’t they?

Once again this year, I missed the mark on a consistent writing practice.  Again and again, I found excuses to not write.
I also missed the mark…..VERY BIG miss….on coming to the art table and making art.
It was the same with photography.
And Vodka and Rosaries.
And using up my yarn stash for crocheting things and finishing projects started long ago.
And doing the pillow projects for the littles.  I still have the material pinned for my oldest niece that I was supposed to make her 8 years ago!  She’s 16 now, she might not want it :/

I failed at my 50 x 50 project.
I barely got it started and before I knew it, I was behind. And then, the next thing I knew I would not make it.  So I was thinking, how can I remedy that? What can I do to make up for not doing something I had my heart set on doing?   My idea is, what if I do a 50 in 50 instead.  50 paintings for my 50th year.  All to be completed by my 51st birthday next October.  Plenty of time.  Right?  Well, I thought the same when I had 88 days to do 50 paintings.  We see how that panned out.

So how exactly do I keep missing the mark?
Well, it’s quite simple an answer actually.
I let guilt win.  And fear.  And doubt.  But I think it is mostly guilt.

You see, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I want to take time to create. Be it painting, writing, crocheting, photography, blogging.  You get the idea.  I feel so overwhelmingly guilty for wanting to do what I love, what makes me happy.  I feel guilty that I am not doing “other things”.    And then.  AND THEN!  I feel guilty because I didn’t do the thing that makes me happy.

Add in a good mix of fear of creating and a heaping dose of doubt that it will be any good.  And viola! Nothing happens.  No magic.  No painted prayers.  No written words. No capturing the moments.  No things made with love and good intentions.  Instead, I sit and wallow in the “what I should be doing that I’m not doing because I feel guilty for doing it and so I do nothing.”  It’s quite the vicious cycle.  I know some of you can relate because you have been there or you are there or perhaps you are teetering on falling into that trap.  I have found no easy solution to pull myself out  of the cycle yet.

I think another aspect of it is boundaries.  When I am in that sacred space of creating.  Especially when it comes to writing (even if it’s just a blog post) or painting (art journalling included).  I do not like to be disturbed.  Well maybe that is the wrong word. But I like to be left alone, to my own devices, uninterrupted.  I like to be in a bubble of sorts.  If I am lucky enough to find that zone, that groove, I hate (is that too strong a word?)  to be interrupted or for my bubble to be bursted.   Don’t come and say “whatcha doin’? whatcha makin’? can I see? how’s it going? maybe you should (fill in the blank)”.  If I want advice and/or suggestions, I’ll ask.  If I want it to be seen, I will show you.

I guess I am very………..protective? insecure? about what I’m doing.  I dunno, what’s the word or words?  This is why I wish I had a space that was just mine to escape to and do my thing in.  I wish I had a small studio space, be it right out in the backyard or a rented space somewhere.  But both require money that I don’t have.  To build or buy a shed to turn into a studio requires money and permits.  To rent a space, requires money.  Bottom line, I have no money.  I have no income.  I am broke AF!   So, for now, I make do with a corner of my bedroom.

I almost wish I could turn my corner in the “common room” where my computer is into an art corner instead.  Even maybe with cubicle walls, you can find those sometimes at thrift stores. But, the almost 4 year old little doesn’t understand personal space and boundaries.  She isn’t grasping the concept of “don’t touch my stuff” very well.   And so, I can’t realistically do that.

I guess what it comes down to, is I need to rethink my approach to things.  Set my boundaries and stick to them, and if someone gets upset that’s on them.

I feel like I have this conversation with myself every year or more often that I should.
But I can’t live a creative and sacred life if I don’t create and if I let guilt, fear, and doubt win all the time.  Now, to put my desires into practice.

Hello December!!!!

It’s snowing here in my neck of the woods.
I woke up to about an inch or so and it’s coming down again.
The magpies are having a good time out there.

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We could maybe see up to 6 inches.  I don’t know we’ll get that much, we’ll see.
But it is coming down at a good clip right now.

 

Yesterday, went peacefully.
Food was delicious.
Even the kids were good for the most part.
Until the very end, but that was surely understandable.

I pushed really hard to finish my writing for November, on Friday.
I knew yesterday would be a busy one and that my time would be limited.
I knew by the end of the day I would be utterly exhausted.
And I was, and boy did I hurt!

But  Friday, I pushed the limits and I did it!
I ended up with a grand total of 50483 words for NaNo.
Neither story is even close to being complete and have barely just gotten
started.  But I did it!  I won!!!  My 3rd win and my 14th year of participating.

 

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Today, I am going to give myself a breather.
A day to rest from the big day yesterday and enjoy leftovers.

I’m going to enjoy watching the snow and the magpies.

Until next time….
HAPPY DECEMBER!

So Very Close To The Finish Line

So close I can taste it.

The win for this year’s NaNo is within reach.
I only need 4822 words total or try for 2411 over the next two days.

Part of me wants to split it up over the two days.
But another part of me wants to push as much as I can out of today.
Because tomorrow will be filled with turkey, trimmings, pies, and
socializing.  The latter being my least favorite part when tensions
are running thick and hot.  Not surprisingly, it seems to be that way every
holiday, no matter which one it is.

So I think I will push for as many words as I can muster  up today.
I think I could even pull it off and do all 4822, if I gave it good hard
try.  There is no good reason why I could not make it, when I have had
a few two thousand plus days, and even a couple of three thousand plus ones.
So I know I can do it if I really try.

Today will be interspersed with food prep interruptions for tomorrow’s
feast.  There are still a couple of sides and salads to be made.

Right now though, I am writing this post and watching the snow flakes
fall and magpies nibble at the apple cores we put out.  It looks to be
barely sticking yet.  But if it does, we could possibly see two to five
inches of fluffy goodness.  We have dodged the bullet these last two
storms that came through this week.  We were buffeted by the
Owyhee Mountains, so because of how the storms came over them it
gave us barely a dusting each time.  This one is coming from a different
direction, so our chance to actually get something is better, I think.

Well, it has taken me an hour to get this far in this post and the snow which
has been falling for about as long, is still not sticking.  DAMN IT!  I want it
to stick!!!

There are so many things I want to write about, I just do not know how to
find the words to say the things I want to say.  I know I would like to do a post
a day in December, but I am not sure if I can be consistent with the holidays
and other stuff going on.  If I can post at least weekly, I would be extremely
happy.  I  think I want to start off the new year with writing more blog posts.
And develop a new one with my new idea.  But that is just a thought, the new
space, for now.

That is about it for now, I think.
Time for some food and to focus on getting in my words today.
Got to cross that finish line!

Just Another Day

First, Happy  Thanksgiving from my corner of the universe to yours.
Due to work schedules of some of our participants, we will not be having our
festivities until Saturday.  So today is just a normal day here.  Still waiting for the snow to arrive.  We have had two of three back to back storms and so far barely got a dusting.  Let’s see if the third one brings us anything good.  Then we get a small storm break before we have the potential for more coming in starting Sunday I think.  But who knows if we will get any at all.

Still plugging away with the  writing.  These last few days have been a real struggle to  get the words out, even if a couple of the days I managed over two thousand.  I need about 8560 to win.  I feel like I am grasping at straws.  The memoir one is really getting hard, trying to remember things I have buried.  And the things I am remembering, have me asking what the fuck was my mother thinking.

It is a really hard nut to swallow when you realize that some of the situations you ended up it was because she led you there or did nothing to pull you out of it.  It is also hard to swallow and understand why so many either did not believe or sat by and did nothing.  There is a lot of head shaking going on when I am writing lately. I can tell you that much.

I am trying to do this as a means of healing old wounds.  Right now, in some ways it feels like I ripping out stitches. I keep thinking, maybe I do not want to do this.  But I know if I do not unbury it all, face it, process it, and heal it, then one day it will just come to a head a burst in a bad way.  I would probably explode and yell at the people that did not deserve it because they had nothing to do with it.

I am still trying to figure out my “Vodka and Rosaries” idea.  But now, I have another idea swirling in my head.  They might be able to be done together, or side by side at least.  I am not sure yet what I am going to do or how I want to approach it.  For the “Vodka and Rosaries” I am slowly collecting Mary statues, well more like busts.  I need to gather more rosaries than what I have.  I will soon have another vodka bottle to add to the collection.  That will be the slower part of my project as we do not drink much by way of alcohol.  Well that and finding more rosaries.  I can make do with the few that I have, but I would like more.  I found some kits to make them at the local Wally world.  They run about eight bucks a piece, so not terrible.  But we shall see.

It is so hard to believe that in just three short days, we will be entering into the last month of the year.  Like when did that happen?  I feel like we were just ushering in the new year and now we are about the exit the year and soon usher in a new one.  Time is flying by way too fast for me.

I have already been thinking about my word for 2020.  I have been leaning towards keeping my word for this year on into the new year.  I might also choose a secondary word that feels right for me.  I will probably right more on that next month.

I will back in a couple of days to post how my NaNo ended up.  Until then…………………..

On Writing, And Other Things

I am still sitting here plugging away at my writing.
The word count is currently not going quite as planned.
I am still trying to make up lost words.
As it sits today, I need about 2800 words a day for the next five days.

I know I can do it.
I have had a few 2k+ and 3k+ days already.
It is just a matter of sitting my ass in the chair and getting it done.

Day time is often difficult to write. Too many distractions.
Dogs. Cats. Little Bug.  She is doing well. We care for her here most week days.
She is rolling and just about ready to figure out crawling. She turned
eight months yesterday.  So when she is here, doing anything like writing is almost
always a no go.

That is quite okay though. I found a good many years back that I write best a night.
When the house is quiet and everyone has gone off to bed, when the animals are settled
for the night. That is when I write my best.

I started out this NaNo writing a fiction piece.  But I had some plot holes and bunnies pop up that I was finding difficult to write myself out of without doing research. So  I switched gears and started to tackle this thing I am calling for now “The Stories I Am
Not Supposed To Tell.”  It is a piece that I am exploring starting back with my earliest of memories, where I am trying to make sense of things. The hope is that I will find healing with it.  Right now though, I am finding that I have more and more questions that I will never in this life time have answers to.  I have to be at peace with that possibility.  I can and will draw my own conclusions I am sure.

I recently discovered that the ex that did the most damage to me physically is on that book of  faces thing.  Seeing his picture nearly took all the wind out of me.  Seeing his face, nearly put me in a tail spin.  I had to constantly tell myself that I was safe. That he was far away. That he could not hurt me.  It has been a few weeks since I found out he was on there.  And still I have my days where I have to tell myself this.  I doubt I will ever “get over” the things he has done and put me through.

I got my eyes checked last week. For the first  time in ten years!  The good news is my eyes and vessels are very healthy!!! The bad news, if you can call it that, was I needed progressive lenses.  They felt a bit weird when I got them yesterday, but I think I was adapting. Today, they are just weird. I know I need them tweaked a hair because the one ear is pinching and that same side of the frame is up too high on my face. So maybe that is all it is.  They are also the first pair I did not get anti glare on in a long time, so I am really starting to notice that today.  I will give it a few more days.  With thanksgiving in a couple of days, I am not touching Wally world with a ten foot pole!  It will have to wait until the beginning of the week at least.

I will be getting to check a thing off my bucket list in April!!!
I am so freaking excited!!!
I am going to get to see the Queen…..CHER!
She will be here in concert next year and we have tickets.
I can’t wait.

I am struggling with sitting by and staying silent while I witness a loved one’s boundaries
being violated left and right.  I am struggling while this person feels powerless to set their boundaries and keep them sacred.  I am struggling not to lash out and yell at those taking advantage and laying guilt  trips for their own means, pleasure, and satisfaction. I  struggle with setting and keeping my own boundaries, I am often told that I am not allowed to have boundaries.  I have been made to feel guilty for wanting and for setting them. And how dare I get upset if they are not  respected!  So, to see someone I feel is stronger than me in so many ways having their boundaries disrespected and violated, it is rough.  This person is expected to give and give until they have nothing left and then give some more.  This is really hard to do, sit back and not step into battle for them.  It is funny that I could step up for some one else, but not for myself.

It is still one of the things I am trying to work on for myself.
Boundaries.
My yes and my no being Holy.
That I am a sacred being and worthy of having my boundaries respected.

Tap, Tap, Tap Goes The Keyboard

Still going, still writing.
Some moments it is extremely slow, like slogging through mud.
Other times, it is like “butter me up baby, I am on a roll” and the words
flow like a river.
But I am writing and that is what counts the most.

As of yesterday, I was less than three hundred words short of the word count goal.
I had such plans to catch up and get way ahead this weekend. But alas, that was not
what happened.  I did catch up with word count, I also decided I needed some down time
and caught up on some of my favorite shows.  And played some  World of Warcraft. Because, it is anniversary time and there are mounts to be had.  The plus side to having dual screens is that I can log into the game, queue for the battle grounds where I can get one of the mounts I am after and still have my writing up on the other screen and get words written in between “dying and waiting for the Spirit Healer to resurrect my character”

While writing fiction has its own set of struggles. You know getting the characters from point A to point B. Have a flowing story line, engaging characters both good and bad. And all that fun stuff in between.  Right now, I am trying to figure out just how my current “project” is the possible beginnings of or the prequel to my original idea from forever ago.

But there is another story that I am struggling with and that is what is My Story. Anytime I try to tell a part of it, there are those  who say that is not what happened. Or you remember it wrong. Or you are over exaggerating it. Or the infamous, It was not that bad. Let us not forget the other aspects of just flat out not being believed or being accused of looking for attention. There are those who probably think I would be airing out dirty laundry.

For me, it is where I am trying to make sense of things. Where I am trying to heal from shit that happened to me or around me. It is where I am trying to understand things that happened, and figure out why adults allowed things to happen.  Why when I came to someone for help, I was told oh that is not what really happened or you are just over reacting. Or the favorite, they would not do that because they love you.  When I assured them that yes this or that happened, I was told I was probably remembering it wrong.  But how could they know if they were not there? And if I am asking for help, why did they not believe me?

I know I will never have my answers in this life time.  But perhaps if I can write my story as I remember it, and even though it will be triggering to remember what I have forgotten, maybe just maybe I can find some healing.

Why do people not like it when you tell your story?  Even if they did not play and active part in it.  I will never understand why others do not want someone to speak their truths and seek healing.

I am tired of hiding it, burying it, locking it away in some dark closet, or sweeping it under a rug. I am tried of having to pretend these things did not happen.  I am tired of pretending that the ones that did the Things are or were innocent.  None of them are alive to account for their actions.  I will never get apologies. I will never get closure. But maybe I can get healing.

Childhood  trauma is a bitch!
Domestic Violence in any form is a bitch!
Alcoholism is a bitch!
PTSD and C-PTSD is a bitch!

I might never publish my stories, fact or fiction. But if writing my experiences can help someone else survive, escape, and-or heal, then why should I not tell it?  If writing about my experiences helps me heal, then why is that wrong?

Writing For NaNo – The Struggle Is Real

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I don’t know if I can truly call it struggling. But it has at times felt like I am climbing up hill in knee deep snow.

The first couple, maybe three days started out great! I was actually ahead of the word count. Then came the plot twists. Well, those sort started day one but I just made note of them and tried to keep going. Over the next couple of days, more twists and things showed while I was writing. Things I did not expect. Things I had not thought of or planned on. Made note of those too. But, I can’t keep going without knowing how these things play into my story, who these new characters are, and how it all works.

I have also been trying to figure out how to explore it all without getting lost. Last night it occurred to me to explore each new element as a “chapter”.  That way, I can flesh out and explore the character or element or twist without losing the Main Character and the story I started with. And then these new things will not get lost either.  Each will have its own document that can come and go to as I please whenever a new idea for that comes to mind.  I think it will be easier to put it all together later on too.

I have read a few novels that have chapters that focus on specific things or characters. Which is why I think this idea would work.

So as of yesterday, I have written for seven days straight.  I broke ten thousand words.  Even with a couple of  days being under a thousand. That is where I know I fell behind. But only by about fourteen hundred words.  I do not like being behind.  I am always afraid that I will not be able to catch up otherwise.  Then that makes me think I will fall farther behind, which will then make me frustrated, and then that leads to me giving up all together.

Honestly, it feels good to be writing a story. It is not my original story.  Even though I have hard copies of those early efforts. And even a critique of my first chapter from forever ago. I think that initial idea is lost.  It seems like it is evolving into something bigger and morphing into something slightly different every time I try to approach it. From where I am now, I might eventually get to where I started so many years ago. But I really just don’t know anymore.

The other part I am struggling with right now is I am not overly thrilled with my original character names any more.  And with writing a fantasy novel, names like “Jim”, “Joe”, “Sally” or “Sue” just don’t cut it and fall some what flat.  At the same time, I don’t want my names so fantastical that even I can’t pronounce them.  I had thought to maybe find simple but old variants of modern names, or choose something that would describe the character and find a word in maybe Gaelic or Polish or some other language that I could morph into a name.

I am what is known as a “Pantser” in the NaNo world.  I always want to call it “panster” or “pantster”.  The gist of the word is to mean “Some one who writes by the seat of their pants with little or no plotting or planning”  I guess I could technically be a “Plantser”, which is one who does some planning and plotting, but still writes by the seat of their pants.  Like I will sometimes flesh out a character or sketch out an idea or setting.  But as far as mapping out everything there is in the story and how I am getting from Point A to Point B…..NOPE!  I don’t think my brain works that way.  I have tried a few times and all I end up doing is writing parts of a story.   For me, I usually have an idea come up and start to run with it. Sometimes it simmers on the back burner indefinitely where I will stir it sometimes. And other times, it fizzles out.

This novel, if it gets that far, will probably never see the light of day.  I don’t think it will ever be publish worthy.   And I have come to be a peace with possibly never publishing. That is not my main goal right now, not any more.  For me, right now, it is about getting the words out of my head and written. It is about them making some sort of sense and telling a story. It is about quieting the voices of my characters and my ideas.

The funny thing is, last night I realized that my best time to write has not changed at all in fifteen years.  When I started writing back then, I found it best to write at night usually late, when the house was relatively quiet and no one to divide my attention.  Even now, though I can manage to eek out a few words here and there throughout the day. I am still finding it better and a little easier to write at night. But I find myself holding back, even if I am on something of a roll.  I pull myself back and stop myself from writing. I find I will cut myself off and about 11:30.  Like I am afraid to let myself get lost in the words and let myself lose track of time.

I really don’t know what it is I am afraid of.  I don’t have ‘littles’ that I  have to take care of or get off to school. I don’t have a job.  Sure I help out with taking care of the Little Bug when she is her if I need to.  But that is not it either.  If I am going to be honest…I think I am afraid of being good at this. Or I am afraid of pouring all of myself into it and being bad at it. Or both.

I should  work on getting over that fear and just let it be what ever it wants to be.

Diving Into NaNoWriMo

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“So it begins,” Theoden (King of Rohan, The Two Towers movie)

That’s how I feel every November.
Like I am standing on the wall at Helm’s Deep.
Staring out into the night at the army of Isengard on my doorstep.

The story I want to write, is a story that has been in my mind for almost fifteen years.
It started oh so long ago, after watching “Lord of the Rings”.
I think, it was a sort of mash up of Harry Potter and LotR.
Then a couple of years later, I discovered World of  Warcraft and felt I could try to bring my MC to life (sort of) in game.

Yesterday, like some many others participating, I started writing my novel yet again.
I’ve tried my hand at other stories that also want to be told.
But time and again I come back to this one.
I suspect it will plague me until I get the words out of my head and on paper.
Shitty draft or not so shitty, but I’ll go with shitty lol……it will gnaw at me until it is written in some semblance of story form.

But does it have to throw me curve balls?
I mean, yeah, I have had this story brewing for a number of years.
And no, once again, I didn’t prep worth a darn.
BUT holy curve balls!

I have three new things that I have come into play that I wasn’t even aware they existed.
I need figure out the following:

  • Who is the faceless woman from the MC’s dream? What it her purpose? Her name? Is she good or evil?
  • The magical and somewhat holy manuscript that appeared in the possession of the faceless woman.  The book was thought to be lost, until now. This much I now know: It is a sort of history book. I think it tells the complete history of the maze, its magic, its keepers, and its guardians. I think it also contains the enchantments and incantations to make it appear and disappear.
  • Third, who are The Order? What are they called? What is their purpose? Are they good, evil, neutral, all of the above?

I think I have more questions than answers at the moment.  Hopefully the answers will come so I can tell the story.  I think the story might want to be more than one book, but I haven’t even gotten passed the first book.  Let alone the first few chapters.  I keep starting over because the ideas keep evolving.

I don’t know how far I will get with this. Will it only be a few thousand words? Or will I make it to the end?  I try not to have any realistic expectations when it comes to November and writing.  Other than I know I will be interrupted… A LOT.  These are the times I wish I could lock myself in a room or go somewhere outside of the house to do my writing.  But I can’t so I have to make do and hope for the best.

I used to dream of publishing.  Of making some “pocket change” off my writing.  But these days, I’d be happy and satisfied just to write the story and get it out of my head.
Then maybe I won’t have to keep putting off the other characters that speak to me and want their stories to be told.

 

End Of An Era….Perhaps

Today is my birthday eve.
It is the last day of being 49.
It is the last day of my 40’s.
It is also the New Moon in Scorpio.  My sign!

As a kid, like most I’m sure, I thought being 50 was “old”.
I don’t remember what I thought life would be like when I
turned 50.  But here I am, and I am pretty sure it is nothing
what I thought it might be.
As a kid, I probably thought…oh hell, I don’t know what I thought.
I just know it was THIS *waves hands around dramatically*.

The week was hectic.
Friday was a day filled with feeling like things were about to
unravel at the seams. I was snappy and irritated AF!  By the
end of the afternoon I was more or less out of patience.  It was
all I could do to remember to breathe.

Today, I’ve been just spending quietly thinking.
Catching up on the shows I watch.
Writing thoughts in my journal.
I took a shower to wash away “stuff and things”.
Then I felt called to anoint myself with some oil that was
gifted to me a couple of years ago.

I had planned to spend this past year with my Muse.
Time and again we missed each other.
I had planned to do 50 paintings by my 50th birthday.
I barely made it out of the gate.

Part of my problem is the lies I tell myself.
That my art isn’t good enough. That I’m being selfish by hiding
away in my art corner.  That I have no business taking time
to be creative.  Part of the problem is that I let people make me
feel these things as well.  All it takes is some off handed comment
to make me spiral with guilt and abandon my easel or art table.
Another part of the problem is the lies I had been told throughout
my life.
It stops HERE!! *stomping my foot in defiance*.  Or at least that
is my intention.

Tomorrow, I turn 50.
I feel like it is a new chapter.
I am entering a new decade, after all.
Something feels like it is shifting.

All my life, I believed the lies I was told about who I am.
I did what was expected of me.
Followed the protocol of the norm.
But it all felt like a lie, like a life I didn’t belong in. It didn’t fit.

Now, it’s time to turn the page.
Time to write a new chapter.
Time to change the narrative.
Time to live a life I love.

I will no longer try to fit in someone else’s box that they think
I belong in.  I will no longer feel guilty for saving myself, my
sanity, and my soul.  I refuse to feel guilty for wanting a sacred
and creative life.  If you don’t want to hear my truth, don’t ask me
things you won’t like the answers to. I’m tired of burying myself
and my voice for the comfort of others.

I don’t know what 50 is supposed to look like or feel like.
I know it will be filled with me trying to live my life and hopefully
lots of art.  I’ve got classes to catch up on and I’ve got BOD2020 to
look forward to.  I hope too, that it will be filled with writing and
photography.  That “Vodka and Rosaries” will become an active
site with poetry and musings and photos.

I can’t put into words what I am feeling right now.
With the New Moon today, my birthday tomorrow, Samhain…things
feel charged and a little exciting. Exciting? Is that the right word? I
can’t quite put my finger on how it feels. If this is what 50 feels like,
I’ll take it.

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