This Moves Me

Here is a video I came across some months back. I struggle to find my path, to find my roots, to find my authentic self, to find my voice. This video came across my feed again today, and it was moving me to tears. Obviously something I needed to hear today.  By the translation it is a song of the water. I think this particular song is sung in Polish, I know the group themselves are from Poland. Probably why their music moves me so.

 

Translation:
“At the sea, blue sea
There was a floating flock of white swans
And where did the gray-white eagle come from?
It dispersed the flock around the blue sea
White down rose to heaven,
Gray feathers fell on a green meadow
And who will collect these feathers?
– A beautiful girl”

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Mercury And The Full Moon

It did not even occur to me when I was writing my post last night, that today begins Mercury Retrograde. I mean I had been hearing about, I knew it was coming. But for some reason or other, I totally spaced that it was starting today.

After I had gone off to bed, I was scrolling through Instagram as I usually do and I came across a post by C. Ara Campbell (you can view her feed here and her facebook).

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Look at those first ones, would ya! Introspection – something I tend to do this time of year, especially with the Solstice coming and the year ending. Think outside the box – That is something I tend to struggle with, my mind has difficulty with that. It might be hours or days later where I might have that light bulb moment. But usually it is too late for anything by that point. Look at things in a new light – another that I have trouble with but am working on. Changing my perspective. Finding a different approach. Not looking at a brick wall as an obstacle but an opportunity.  I mean this whole thing is some good stuff!

Then there is the Full Moon! And it is supposed to be a super moon at that. It is the last one of 2017. Some moons I feel very strongly, others are just “normal”. Here’s what Ara has to say about the Full Moon in Gemini.

 

gemini moon

It’s a time to plan, reimagine the future, letting go. Where are you still hiding? How’s that for a powerful question? My answer, is probably everywhere and in all the things. Stepping out into my true self, allowing my authentic self to shine bright, to step out of my comfort zone—-they have all be extremely difficult for me. I think of how I want to be, but then my introverted self steps up and tells me to sit my ass back down.

So how can I come out of hiding and still be introverted? I don’t think I will ever truly come out of my shell. When I try to come out of hiding, it often feels like others stuff me back in the box wanting me to be only seen (and not always) but not heard. Maybe that is just my fears talking. But it’s hard not to think that way when you try to speak and you are ignored.  It’s even more frustrating when you are speaking to someone, you are looking right at them, and they don’t even acknowledge it. Then it is one of two things, the Oh were you talking to me? in that surprised tone or someone points out to the person you are speaking to them and then it’s the shock or surprise. The awkward apology and then you have to repeat everything you just said (and hope that they even hear you the second time and you are secretly crying inside.)

All that was to say, that I guess without even realizing it I was right on target to think about planning. It also has me thinking about my planned project “A Year With My Muse” which still hasn’t gotten started. Looks like I have some planning to do and ideas to jot down.

Full Moon Blessings!

No Writing Day (again)

I had plans to write some today. But I just never got there. It’s okay. I could use another day to recoup from the marathon month and think about where or what my story is actually about.

Today was  also filled with anticipation about the dinner tonight. It ended up going pretty well. Everyone went to the parade afterwards, but I stayed home. It was expected that we would have some rain and it was cold. Seeing as I am just getting over a cold, it was thought best that I don’t go. Which was probably a good decisions. I’m really not feeling 100% either. I should probably restart taking the Echinacea for a few more days. I definitely don’t need a relapse with cookie baking weekend coming up. Plus we just plain can’t afford me to be sick, or any of us for that matter.

I might even take off from writing tomorrow. I had actually planned on it anyway. I do feel guilty for not writing though.

I think I might spend tomorrow working on my planner. It is time to start thinking about goals for next year, word of the year, intentions, that sort of thing. It might even be a bit early to do that, so maybe I’ll just do a scribble session to jot down thoughts so I don’t forget them later in the month.

Day Off

Took a day off from the writing today. Just to breathe and let my brain cells recoup as I scrambled them for words for the whole month of November. Ended up going out for the first time in a week. Just to Wal-mart for a few things. It felt good to be out again.

It was decided we are doing Ugly Sweater Christmas. So while we were at Wal-mart we were looking at some of their premade ones. Some were just too cute to be called ugly!

But we are going to put our craft skills to good use and make our own. A trip to the thrift store for a sweater(s) and maybe some Christmas-y baubles if we can find some there. I think we can find a bunch of mini ornaments and thin garland strands at Dollar Tree. Then it is just a matter of designing and assembling. Crap I should have bought that grey plain sweater on clearance for 2 bucks! Blank canvas and I did not even think about it!!!! Funny thing is, we were talking about making the sweaters when I was looking at that one on the clearance rack.

I fail like that sometimes. Like the Pitt Pen in copper that was on clearance for like a 1.74 or something. And I decided not to get it. When I went back a week later, it was gone. My loss was someone else’s gain. Oh well. I still got 3 others. I probably should have snagged the grey one too, but I didn’t. And it was also gone.

Now here’s to hoping I don’t relapse with this cold or anything. The plan is to have a memorial get together at on of Granny’s favorite burger joints and then to see a holiday night light parade. If I’m sick or coughing my brains out (or probably just coughing) I can’t go. Don’t want to get any of the littles sick. I am actually torn about going though. I do, but I don’t. Part of me feels like it should be just the family, even though I know other partners will be there. I still feel like I would be intruding. I’m weird like that.

SO, I DID A THING!

 

I wish I could shout it from the roof tops! No not really. One, it is too cold. And two, I do not do heights well.

I was going to take the day off, but decided no there is one day left to National Novel Writing Month and I am going to finish it off with some writing. There are still a few ideas and thoughts for this story that I need to get out of my head, so that if I should end up editing it and adding to it then it will make more sense. I think as I was writing, I might have inadvertantly altered a few things. Then new ideas popped up and I added those in, so if you read it now it would be confusing.

I am going to need to print it out so I can make my notes about who, what, and where. Then I can hopefully flesh out the characters and plot. I definitely need to do a lot more showing. Of course I could end up just adding this to my pile of unfinished tales too. Especially if I jump onto the family stories idea. Part of me feels like that should really take priority, and another part of me wants to outline and plan it but save it for Camp NaNoWriMO. But that first does not happen until what? April? June? That is a long wait.

I will definitely take tomorrow off, I think. Maybe. LOL!  I will most likely have a blog post though. Need to keep the writing habit going, right? That is at least what I want to do. To keep on writing.

To my cheerleaders this month, I thank you!
To my fellow participants, I am proud of you! And congratulations!
To my readers, thank you for sticking with my ramblings!

As another National Novel Writing Month comes to a close, I breathe a sigh of relief and joy, because I won. Hopefully, it will not be another four years before I win again.

Until Next Time…………….

Crossing The Finish Line

finishline
(image found via Google search)

I am so close. So very close. Less than one thousand two hundred words close. I am so tempted on one hand to say, you did good today leave the rest for tomorrow. And then the other part of me is saying “no keep going! you are almost there.”  I will of course, more than likely keep going. It does not seem logical to stop now.

This will be my second win in thirteen attempts. My last win was three years ago. I did not Rebel that one, it was all new words for a fiction story that I had in my head. Which now sits unfinished on my computer. Unedited and incomplete. That is how all my stories end up.

It is like I get to the end of November, or what I deem the end of my attempt and suddenly the idea just fades to black. One day, I would like to go back to them and finish them. But I would need to print them out, make notes, and then go from them. That means I need a jump drive and a trip to Staples.

This year, if you have been following along, you know I was a Rebel. My writing was a mixture of blog posts (non fiction) and of course fiction. I have written more non fiction I think, but not by much. I think the margin of difference is about a couple thousand words between.

Sure I could stop right this minute and say I am a winner because of all the words I have written. Which aside from September, is the most words I have written in a very long time. But then I would not be an “official” winner. There is something about that piece of paper I can print out soon validating my efforts this month. That I just have to go for the finish line and break that ribbon.

I think I might actually have a sort plot coming together and a story line. I still do not really know where it is going. And in my desperation I feel like my words are just a jumbled mess with no rhyme or reason. I know that is what editing is for, but I do not usually make it to that point. I am starting to feel like I am rambling and grasping at words to get my thoughts out of my head.

I kind of want to commit to getting what I can of this story out of head through the month of December, but at the same time I want to get to work on my family history stories. I suppose I could split my time between them, but I would really prefer (I think) to stick to one project. Then I was thinking that maybe I could turn them into blog posts, my family stories. I do not know if I can add a page – tab on a free account. (note to self: look into that) Or maybe I can do that on another blog? Adding too many choices for a project I have not even started yet.

Best to stick to the goal at hand and that is to wrap up National Novel Writing Month with a win.

Congrats to all who participated this year. Whether you wrote five hundred, five thousand, hit fifty thousand, or even surpassed that goal, YOU WIN!

 

Brick Walls

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(image found via Google search)

The proverbial Brick Wall(s). We all have faced them at some point in our lives. Some more than others. Sometimes it feels like we never, ever get over them. Or around them. Or through them. Am I right? Or, how about you just about over come one and there is another looming in your sights? And all you can think is AW FUCK! Here we go again!

Sometimes. Sometimes they are there for a reason. Sometimes it is because things are not yet as they need to be. And so this wall pops up and makes us wait, which can sometimes feel like a REALLY. LONG. TIME. Other times, it is people trying to stop us from reaching our goals. Maybe they intend to do it, maybe they do not.

Sometimes it is the Universe telling us to STOP! do not go that way. Or NOT YET! And that can piss us off, especially in an instant gratification society that we live in. Everything is: I want it now. Give it to me now. People do not want to work hard. To pour their hearts and souls into a thing. To bleed life into a thing.

I am just as guilty as the next person. There are times I can be like that. You know, add water, zap three minutes in the microwave, and bam! instant food. Then there is the disappointment that follows because you did not take the time and care to prepare something from scratch. Because it takes too long, it is too much work, it is time consuming. But OH the satisfaction of taking the time to do a thing right. There is something about taking your time and doing something the way it is meant to be done and it coming out exactly as intended.

Slow and steady as they say. Right? I mean, I am trying to look at the bright side of things and not be all doom and gloom, oh woe is me. All those brick walls I face. Some of them are true tests of how badly do I want something. Trying to discern which are to keep the nay sayers out. There are some things I want so badly I can almost taste it. And of course there are other things that I just THINK I want, kind of like oh well all the cool kids have it or are doing it.

Take for instance this whole thing with the name, how I feel like it is holding me back. But is it really? Yes and no. I am not currently in a position to set up and online business or sell art or what have you. Honestly, I should be spending time creating, practicing, honing my potential skills. When the time comes, if it should come, the name thing is a brick wall that can be overcome. But in the mean time, there are many things I need to be doing that do not have anything to do with a name.

There are many days where I feel like I am enclosed on all sides by brick walls. Fear. Judgement. Doubt. Guilt. Lies I have been told. I feel boxed in. I do not see a way out. But if one looks close enough, you can see the cracks in the mortar where you can begin to chisel away at all the negative brick walls that are there, trying to hold you back. And when you find them, that is when you start to chisel away at them bit by bit and then YOU build a new wall keep all that shit at bay while you chase after that thing you want.

To say this quote that I heard today while watching a Boho Berry video was a light bulb moment for me would be an understatement.  I am tired of letting the brick walls defeat me. I am tired of letting them hold me back from going after my dreams.

The work is going to be hard. Setting boundaries so I can do the work is going to be even harder. But the question is do I want things badly enough to do what needs doing? Yes! I do want them badly enough. I might end up stepping on toes. I might end up hurting feelings. And if I do, I am sorry. I will try to be a gentle as I can, but I need to do what I need to do for me. For my happiness. For my sanity. For my well being. To follow my dreams.

We have just a little over a month left to this year. As I look back, I do not feel I have done nearly enough (if anything) to pursue my desires and dreams. I do not want to repeat the same thing again in the new year. I want to start conquering these brick walls and make my dreams real.

Determination

Yesterday, I was somewhat determined to get words written.  I was not really feeling it. All I wanted to do really was stay in bed or veg on the couch with Netflix or binge watching Downton Abbey on Amazon. But then I looked at what I needed to make this year a win and sat at my computer, writing on and off throughout the day. Somewhere along the way, I ended up writing something a little over thirty nine hundred words. I seriously do not know where they came from, but I am grateful that they did.

According to the stat page, I need to write 11,199 words to win. Or 2800 words a day between now and Thursday. Will I make it? I honestly do not know. It would not be for lack of trying, if I do not make it. This month has been a series of good days and bad days for writing. I am going to assume that happens even to the best writers in the world.

Why do I want to score a win so badly? I think one reason is because I do not consistently finish things. I am good about setting a goal, but terrible about reaching said goal. I am horribly inconsistent! I have unfinished projects every where I look. Then I start more that I do not finish to add to the madness of incompletes. It seems a vicious cycle that all seems to lead back to those voices that tell me how bad I am and how much I suck at everything.

I was reading an article (or several) yesterday about writing. They each had something in them that jumped out at me, like light bulb moments. There was one in particular that had something in that I thought I would touch on in a post today. BUT! Dontcha know, I can’t find the damn thing! I knew I should have jotted it down yesterday, but I figured I would either remember it or I would find the link (or maybe shared it), but nope seems I did not do either.

Maybe it was just the title of a post about Susan Sontag on being a  writer. Part of the title was “You Have To Be Obsessed”. Those five words kind hit me like…you know what, you are not obsessed yet. You are not so consumed by the desire for that thing you want to do, that it becomes like breathing air or eating food or drinking water. It has not yet become the thing(s) I need to survive, to live, to be. So I ask myself, what is holding you back? There is no good, legitimate answer. Lots of lame ones like: Fear, Doubt, Procrastination.

So I ask myself, when and where do I let determination and desire take over? When do I stop this ridiculous dance and grab my dreams by the horns and make them a reality? When do I find the courage to tell someone not now, I am in my zone and do what I need to do? When do I stop letting fear of them getting angry or jealous of the thing get in my way?

There was a quote that also came up yesterday that was also and A-HA! moment.  6692a7769cade449b2f183cc9cd5359d
(found on Facebook and also Google search)
I know this does not apply to everyone. Some people can write and write and write, then take a long or short break only to return to it like they never missed a beat. Others, it becomes just as the image says. THIS! This is the cycle I am trying to break. Where I go from dreamer to doer. From dreamer to creator. Because for me it is true, I can say to myself I am going to skip today, or I will do it later. Then later comes or tomorrow comes and I repeat the cycle until days become weeks and weeks become months.

Maybe that should be my word for 2018, yeah? Determination? My word this year has been DREAM. And I have been doing quite a bit of dreaming, but not a whole lot of doing. At least, not as much as I would like to be doing anyway. I was thinking I would keep the same word for the new year because I rather like it very much and I have a bunch of dreams. I do not usually find my word, my word usually finds me. It is something I start thinking about in December. So this thought just kind of fell into my lap here.

I think though, the one thing I really need to stop doing is feeling like I have failed if I do not make the 50,000 words. Yesterday was the most words I wrote all month long. I believe that at my current word count, I have written more words this month than I have all year. These are feats that I should be rejoicing, rather than looking at the finish line and noticing how short I might be falling. The month is not over yet!!!!!!!!! There is still a chance to pull it out. I have not tried verifying yet, I am a bit scared to. What if my count is less than what I have according to the “official” validater? I know, but what if it is more? Or even a match? I am afraid to find out.

Either way, no matter how this month ends, I am determined to give it my best and write what I can. It is all I can do, is try.

 

Trying To Catch Up (plus Ramblings)

I do not think I am going to make it, sad but true and I have to face that. Unless I can miraculously pull a shit ton of words out of thin air in the next five days. Okay, according to the stat page on the website I need three thousand and twenty-six words a day for the next five days? six days? Something like that. Right now, I am sitting with something short of nine hundred words.

I am still nursing this cold. I am running out of liquid DayQuil. I feel like I have been bathing myself in Vick’s Vapor Rub. I use the stuff even when I do not have a cold because one – I love the smell of it, two – it helps me sleep, three – I have allergies that give me a night-time cough sometimes and this helps. So Vicks is my friend! I thought the steam from the shower would help, but all that does is make me feel worse. It makes my chest feel heavier. It feels weird to have the shower make me feel worse, when once upon a time it would help clear me up even if briefly.

I have been doing a lot of thinking after writing some of my posts on here. I am coming to the realization that I really need to sit and write out memories of my life so I can work through things that happened to me. I think it would also help me come to terms with why I feel the way I do about some thing and some people. Like why can I forgive and miss one person, but no another?

Sometimes it feels like my memories are like Swiss cheese. There are gaps I can’t seem to fill in. There are entire events I can’t even recall. I can remember when I was on one of my visits to New York to see my family. And we were talking about days gone by and a topic came up that I had no recollection of, but was apparently at. I see some photos that I am in and have no memory of the day. But clearly I was there, I have a picture or several to prove it. I have on occasion stared at a particular picture and no matter how hard I try, I cannot conjure up a single memory of that event I am photographed in. I wonder why that is. Was it not memorable enough? Did something happen to me during the event or that day, that has caused me to repress the memories of it?

Then there are a handful of memories that I do have that I can’t get confirmation of ever having and there are NO photos of it. There is no one to ask, that I can think of.

So what does all this have to do with catching up on my word count? I have no idea and probably not a damn thing. Well, maybe not entirely true. No I guess it is true as I do not see me starting on a new thing this late in the game. But it will at least serve as a reminder to myself of what I am thinking of doing at some point. The only thing I can say with certainty is that my life’s memoir will not be anything print worthy. My life has not been very interesting and I do not see anyone gaining any insights from it.

I do wish my Babci, well both of them really were still alive. Oh the questions I would ask them. The stories they could tell!!! I wish my mother’s mother was still alive so that I can ask her what it was like being a single mother in the mid to late 1920s. Or how did she meet my grandfather? I would love to know what she could tell me about growing up in her area of Poland. I wish I had been able to meet my Grandfathers. One was a coal miner in Mount Carmel, Pennsylvania for a time before being called up to serve in World War I. As far as I can tell, he also traveled to America on a ship by himself at the tender age of just eleven years old.  Can you imagine? The other was a carpenter by trade and taught teenage boys to be carpenters, then he was called up to serve in World War II. I do not know if my coal miner grandfather would have shared any stories though, from what I heard about him he did not seem to be the sharing type. I wish I could record and tell their stories though. I wish I had a time machine so that I can go back and witness their lives.

Can you tell that I love history? I wish my mother’s eldest sister did not have her memories taken by dementia or maybe Alzheimer’s.  I am not totally sure what her diagnosis ended up being. She turned ninety-three yesterday. I am assuming she is still with us, I have not been told other wise at least. I would have loved to have been able to ask her about what she remembers. These days now, I sit and kick myself for not thinking of or caring about this stuff back when I could ask all my questions to those that were still here and living. The old “if I only knew then, what I know now” feeling. Oh and “hind sight is twenty-twenty”.  Those are probably my biggest regrets. But can they really be regrets, if I was too young to give it consideration.

All I can do now, I write down as much as I can remember from all the stories I have been told. I can maybe ask my mother’s youngest sister somethings if I need to. How sad is it that the oldest and the youngest are the last of the siblings? All the others in between are gone. It does not seem right. But at the same time, I think of how my father’s mother out lived her parents, two husbands, and her three children.

I know, again…what does this have to do with catching up? Nothing and everything. It all goes together with my desire to write and has nothing to do with it at all. Maybe I should stop trying to write fiction and switch to non-fiction for this purpose of my desire to write. I think about the Little House books, about how they were fiction yet were still about Laura’s life. I have no clue how I could spin my family stories into a work of fiction, I do not have a clue on how to embellish and fill in, expand on the parts that I know and do not know. It is something I would like to try and do though, whether as a fictional tale with real life events or as a family history story.

I have so much on my mind right now about writing, about life, about things in general. I probably need to spend a day and just make lists of things and jot down notes of what I do know. Maybe once I am over this cold and my thoughts are clearer instead of being interrupted by coughing every few seconds, I can focus on something like that.

Hopefully those of you who are doing National Novel Writing Month are reaching your word goals. I wish y’all the best!

I Had Plans

I  did! I was going to write today. I was going to work on catching up because I need to do about 2300 words over the next few days to win. But yeah, that did not happen. This stupid cold is kicking my ass.

It is a crazy one where I am not stuffy, but my nose decides it is going to run. Then there is the dry cough and the tickle in my throat that no amount of fluid I drink will stop. All the coughing makes me feel all hurty and like my cat (who is like twenty odd pounds!) is sitting on my chest. You can see her in all her glory right below 😀

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I do not think that picture does her size justice. But she is a beauty.  My Itty Bitty ❤

So, because I still feel like crap, I have basically vegged all day and played games, watched music videos, anything but what I had planned to do which was of course write. But when your feeling like crap and feel like you are going to cough up a lung or two, writing just does not seem like a good idea. I just can’t concentrate when I am sick or under the weather. I would not really say I am sick “sick”. I just feel like shit LOL.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. For now it is going to be a NyQuil and Vicks Rub, date with my pillows and blanket rest of my evening. Hopefully that will include some sleep.

 

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