OH HAI!! Remember Me?

Hey there, Hi there, Ho there…
Oh boy has it ever been a hot minute or what?!

I had not intended to not write for so long.
I guess I kept falling into the “I’ll do it later” and well…it’s certainly later.

I don’t really have a good reason other than I procrastinated for the last
two months I suppose. There were a few heck days in there too. But
life ya know. It does that.

So let’s see, where did I leave off?
I still feel like my cortisol is through the roof. I have some good days but
then I have days were I just feel like I’m waiting for something to go
wrong. The fight or flight is strong on those days.

The 5 pounds I gained, I lost again at my last appointment at the beginning
of March. So that was good. We talked about things I should be limiting,
if not avoiding. I’m trying to be more conscious of what things make me
feel like crap. There are things I just haven’t wanted, that before I would
have probably binged on.
I went to the eye doctor a little over a week ago. They took images of the
inside of my eyes rather than dilate them. Oh my gosh…that was the
coolest thing ever!!!! I’ve never seen the inside of my own eyes before.
He pointed out the nerves and blood vessels, my floaters. The inside of
the eye looks like a nebula and the floaters are like stars. What it did
confirm though, was that I don’t have high blood pressure and there is
no evidence of diabetes damage. I do, however, have the beginnings of a
cataract in my right eye. He said it will be 5 to 15 years before it becomes
troublesome and need to be addressed. My left is okay right now, but it
will eventually follow suit.

Also, found out that the glasses I currently have are too strong. They
overpowered my lenses and so I have been wearing the wrong prescription
for the last two years. My lenses are progressives, so they also made the
spaces in between too narrow. This was the nicest eye doctor I have ever
been to. Not only did I get an exam, but I learned things I never knew. I just
wish glasses, especially lenses weren’t so dang expensive!!

Can I vague rant for a moment?
Why is it that when you do something that was for your own mental wellbeing,
you’re viewed as (or even accused of) being the bad person? That what you did
was selfish and perhaps unnecessary in the eyes of others.
Why do you feel like awful for going no connect with someone(s) who you tried
your damnedest to stay in touch with? Only to be made to feel like you were
imposing on them or interrupting them every time you reached out. That when
you made contact and tried to have a conversation, you were practically ignored.
Again, being made to feel like the things you did for your own mental health
were selfish and that you made it all up.
Am I wrong because I stopped reaching out? Am I wrong or selfish because I
chose my mental health?
*end vague rant…for now*

I’ve fallen off the Yoga wagon. I was doing pretty good for a bit. But this month I’ve
failed miserably. I’ve been having some stronger pelvic pains and so I’ve been
hesitant to do it. I don’t want to make the pain worse.
I’m trying to make better food choices but feel guilty for it. I don’t feel like I’m
missing out for skipping the ice cream or cake or doughnut. I’ve been doing
really good limiting my soda to a half of 16-20 oz. bottle. Some days I can skip it
all together. I am managing on one cup of coffee a day. Every once in awhile, like
today, I’ll have an extra half cup.

I failed once again at the 100 Days Project. I tried, but my hand would hurt every time
I did a page. Maybe I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t decide on anything to
switch to.
Camp NaNoWriMo starts in 3 days. The beauty of Camp is you can pick your own
word count. I haven’t yet picked a goal or a project.

This war…it’s really hitting me hard. These are my people. The land of my ancestors.
I can’t even begin to put how I feel into words.

Hope you have all been well.
I will try not to stay away so long next time.


Checking In – I’m A Mess, Sort Of

Sorry to have been MIA for the last 18 days.
Just been trying to sort everything out and deal with things.

So, we’re 18 days in to the year and I’ve already had four doctor appointments.
One was with my nutritionist. I somehow managed to lose 5 lbs. despite or in spite
of the holidays. Even though some of it was water weight, which we don’t want
she said 5 lbs. is 5 lbs. We talked about committing to some sort exercise/movement.
I may have mentioned that I had bought a yoga mat and block. So at that point, I sealed
my own fate lol. I committed to one day a week to start and a time, basically setting a
date with myself. By the third week, she wanted to see me add a second day to my
self-date. And if I am able, she wanted me to try to split my routine by doing some in
the morning and some in the evening. The later being a type of chair yoga while watching
TV or something.
Towards the end of my session with her, I mentioned that I hadn’t heard back about my
cortisol test even though the patient portal showed they were in. I learned that after it’s
tested, it has to be graphed. I didn’t know that. Anyway though, she got my results and
gave me a WTF look and then said “What happened? What’s going on with you? This is the
worst levels I have ever seen. I’ve never seen anyone so high.” She then turned the paper to
me and my graph was practically off the paper. I was then scheduled immediately for a follow
up with my functional med practitioner first thing the next day.
Next morning, phone visit….bam! Same things asked. You could hear the “WTF Girl?” in her voice.
She asked me about any recent losses, stress, etc. I briefly touched on my past, my history, all the
way back to childhood. Abusive exes, narcissistic ex, narcissistic mom, mom had known “issues”,
alcoholic dad. She asked if I had gotten divorced first, I said yes but I waited over 10 years for it.
So it was a good thing. Then she asked what about before that, hence the list.
Right now, it is looking like I am stuck in “Fight or Flight” mode. Which explains a bit why I’ve been
feeling these waves of anxiety and like I am expecting the other shoe to drop as they say. I’ve been
in this mode for so long (childhood) that my body doesn’t know, it seems, how to get unstuck. She
has added a few more supplements to my daily regime. And hopefully the yoga practice will help some.
I made a point to make sure my nutritionist understood that I have fibro and chronic pain, that I just can’t
go into intense moves. She actually listened and looked up what would be good for me. It pointed to
Hatha and/or Yin Yoga. She told me which moves I was absolutely not to do. And a couple that I could do so long as I modified them.

Then…I had let them know that I had had some bleeding while taking one of the hormone medications.
That was a red flag and was immediately scheduled for the first ultra sound appointment they could get me, with a follow up to discuss the results a couple of days later. The good news is that I don’t have PCOS and there weren’t any visible fibroids or tumors. I still have adenomyosis, and I’m assuming it is still active. I mean it won’t go away, but it should stop being an issue when in menopause. Which I am
supposed to be in, but there is a question now since I bled twice in one month. So more labs have been added to my draw in a couple of weeks. But y’all….I’m turning into a fossil!! It’s my attempt at a joke about it. I have scarring and calcifications. She said it’s like having kidney stones, but in your uterus. It might explain my constant pain. During the follow up discussion, surgery was put back on the table.

But here’s the kicker, the hospital is at this time only allowing 2 surgeries per day. Period! They offered to refer me out if either of the other two hospitals were allowing more. I said unless I am emergent, which I am don’t believe I am, I’d like to wait for my doctor to do it. I told her I’m willing to wait a bit long (already waited over a year now) because I wouldn’t want to take a surgical spot away from someone who was in more dire straits.

Now as far as my cortisol goes, there are other reasons for it to be so high and I will be asking about them when I go in to see my functional med doctor next month. I will also know more hopefully about where I am hormonally. I’ll probably get a bit more info on how soon they would really like to have the surgery. Thinking about this surgery is not helping my stress levels and I know it’s not helping them get lowered.
In addition to the yoga, I am hoping that art journaling will help too.
What ways do you use art journaling to help with stress and anxiety, healing your traumas? How does one go about that?

In other wonderfully good news…the last bit of my past medical bill was finally paid off!!! WOOHOO!!

New Year’s Eve…Eve

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, if I will get around to posting so here’s my final post for 2021.

What a year, eh?
I don’t think I can even wrap my head around it all.
It’s all too much and too overwhelming.

It’s snowing in my corner of the world. Second day in a row. I think we’ve got some where between
6 and 8 inches so far. As I understand it, there is more to come. And we are under a Winter Storm Warning until later today. Here’s a peak at what we got so far:

I got boosted a couple of days ago. I was extra tired later that day. Yesterday and today my arm is just really sore. The injection site is red and warm, and to day it is a bit itchy. I’ve been told it is normal, so I’m trying not to freak out about it.

Last month I met with the nutritionist at my doctor’s office. She has apparently decided that I am insulin resistant and had me put on metformin. I also had to do a cortisol test, not fun by the way. It looks like my numbers are high, but I don’t know what it means. She wants me to limit my caloric intake to 1200, and to exercise (10k steps, resistance bands, etc.). She doesn’t seem to understand that fibro limits how much I can do. But it’s only been one visit with her, so we’ll see. And from what I’ve found out on my own is that 1200 calories and being insulin resistant is not a good combo. So I’m aiming to keep my intake to about 1400/1450.
In October, my doc said my labs showed me to be in menopause and prescribed an estrogen medication which has caused me to have bleeding twice in one month, both a week long (and two weeks apart). I’m dreading having to tell him/them about it. I’m afraid when I tell him, he’s going to want me to have the surgery after all.

My Word of the Year:
As I mentioned in a previous post, SOVEREIGN/TY started coming up as my potential word. I really was not sure about it. It seems like such an odd choice in some ways. Yet the more I tried to find a different word, the more SOVEREIGN keeps showing up. Oh and the phrase “SACRED SOVEREIGNTY”. Seriously?! These two words are showing up everywhere, without me even looking for them. So I’m sitting here thinking okay Universe, I get it…these are my words.

I’m so looking forward to Book of Days starting in a couple of days.
I wish I could do Moonshine too. There are so many classes I wish I could be taking. But I think if I took them all, I would need to clone myself to do them all lol.

I am going to do my best to focus on my art and photography in 2022.
I realized that I had really slacked off with photography these last few months.
Writing, well…I’m not giving up on that. I just don’t know what I want to do with it. I think I want to do more blogging, I slacked of with that a bit too. Maybe aim for weekly posts at the very least.

I watched some very random tarot readings for Scorpio on YouTube a couple of days ago. Just to see
what they were about. I don’t usually do that, I don’t normally watch tarot readings on there at all. But
each one that I watched there seemed to be a running theme.
Let go of the past.
Let go of what doesn’t serve you.
Live your dream(s).
Healing pain from the past.
References to the butterfly and phoenix, rebirth, renewal, transformation, change.
Connect with your inner child.

I haven’t done my own reading yet. I often don’t feel confident enough to do my own readings. I don’t know the cards well enough and I don’t know how to read them intuitively. I know, I can’t learn if I don’t do it. I guess maybe part of my problem is that while I like the decks that I have, I don’t feel particularly attached or connected to any of them. I’m fascinated with how people can do a reading with both tarot and oracle cards together.

Anyway…If by chance I don’t have an opportunity to post tomorrow
I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous New Year.
May it be filled with Magic and Love and All Good Things.
Blessings to you and yours.

Random Thoughts

Happy December Eve!
How the heck did we get here already?
How is there 31 days left to the year when it feels like it’s
barely started OR worse, just one long continuous loop of 2020.
UGH!! I’m not really ready, but here we are.

I’m so over holidays.
The commercialism of it all.
The incessant need (is that the right word?) to feel like one has to
spend a fortune on gifts so that the recipients aren’t disappointed.
Feeling like you have to buy piles of things for someone instead of
one gift being sufficient. I’m so over it all. I hate seeing people feel
guilty because they may not have bought enough stuff.

I’m trying to pick up the hook again.
The crochet hook that is.
Working on something that I started long before I ever moved here.
I don’t even know if I’m using the same hook size that I was. And it took
me a minute or two to figure out what stitch I was doing. But I got it now,
I think.

I’m so freaking behind on word count.
I haven’t even broken the half way mark.
But, that’s still okay. I’ve written everyday and each word is one more
that I didn’t have.
Today is the last day of NaNo. I’ve not done as well as I wanted to, hoped
to. I’m okay with it…I think.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m either not enough or I’m too much.
I’m tired of people being annoyed with me for stepping in or being pissed
off because I didn’t. It’s frustrating!!! And if I remove myself from a situation
because someone doesn’t want me to tell a child to stop raiding the snack jar
without permission, or leaving the door wide open giving inside cats a chance to
escape, or running around screaming like a lunatic, or being overly rough with
toys or other things, or insert any number of things…so if I remove myself to a
quiet space and avoid the confrontations, then I’m being anti-social or rude or just
a plain old bitch.

I’m starting to the think about my word for 2022.
The word “SOVEREIGN” came to mind, or “SOVEREIGNTY”.
Leaning towards the latter at the moment, but word choice is as always
subject to change. Or maybe I should go with “HOLY”?
What does the word sovereign bring up for you? Thoughts? Feelings?
What does it mean to you? I am still holding on to SACRED, as we aren’t
done with each other yet. This will be our third year together. This year’s
word was INTENTION(AL). I think I dropped the ball with it.

Past Word of the Year that I have had:
2011 — FREEDOM
2013 — DARE
2015 — RECLAIM
2017 — DREAM
2019 — SACRED
2020 — SACRED
2021 — INTENTION(AL) also carried SACRED again.

In 2011, I think I achieved that one, as I left an abusive marriage. Depending
on who you talk to, other people would probably say that it was all in my head.
That I was making something out of nothing. But daily gaslighting and living with a
narcissist (after having been raised by one)… my sanity was stake. It felt like things
were escalating and I didn’t want to stick around for things to turn physical, and the signs
for that were there.
The others, even though I chose them or them me, there wasn’t a lot of follow through
with them. Though, I did do a lot of dreaming in 2017.
Sacred isn’t done with me yet. Nor I with it. I’m still seeking my path. Organized religion
isn’t it. I guess I identify mostly as a Pagan, with leanings towards being a Witch, interests
in being a Druid, and interests in the Divine Feminine mostly Celtic Goddesses and
Mary/Mary Magdalene. I’m feeling eclectically chaotic because I feel pulled in so many
directions. I can see myself being a Kitchen/Hedge/Green Witch. I felt called to walk a
different path almost 20 years ago. And here I am, still wandering in circles trying to
figure shit out.

Tomorrow is another doctor’s appointment. This one is to discuss my weight because
according to the BMI index (which is all sorts of f*cked up, but that’s another story) I am
overweight and the doc would like me to try to lose a few pounds. The practitioner I see
tomorrow specialize in metabolism, so I’ll be doing some sort of metabolic tests. I also
need to do a cortisol test because my DHEA is out of whack, DHEA has to do with your
adrenals. Anyway, it’s a too early o’clock appointment and it means no coffee or food.
I’m interested in what she might have to say. I think my weight is hormonal, curious to
see if I am right. But she is expensive and my insurance probably doesn’t cover passed
the initial visit. Hopefully I’ll learn something from the visit that is useful.

Anyway, that’s about all I got for this one. Or at least what I can remember. I’ve only had
this in my drafts for a few days lol.
Happy Tuesday! Have a great week!!

Good Bye November!

Hump Day In A Different Way

This week is…….
Well, it’s easy in the normal way of things.
Bug comes over, we watch her. She plays. We feed her, we change her, we put her
to nap, we wake her, we take her to Daddy. And then, rinse and repeat the routine
for what ever week days her Mama works.
Normal in the sense of gathering the foods we will be making for tomorrow,
Thanksgiving here in the states. I’ve been disenchanted with the whole holiday.
One of a handful of days out of the year where (in some not all cases) families gather
to eat a big meal that costs a small fortune and are somewhat civil to one another. It
repeats again in roughly thirty days at Christmas and then you mostly don’t exist until
then next holiday or you’re needed for something. I know this is not the case with all
families, but for a lot of them this is quite normal.

This is hard too. Yesterday, the 23rd, was 15 years since my Babci (my dad’s mom) died.
Tomorrow, is the day it will always be for me regardless of what number the day she left me.
She died on Thanksgiving day 15 years ago. So no matter what number is on the calendar that
day, it will always be that day. And today just happens to be the hump day, the in between day
of the date and the day.
I’m torn. I’m relieved that she is no longer in pain. And she was in some god awful pain. I don’t
think the meds touched it. But I’m angry, too. Angry that she left me. She was my voice of reason
when my ex told me I was worthless or useless or that a meal that made was wrong in some way
even when it wasn’t. She would be the voice that told me I wasn’t any of those things or that the
meal was fine.
I’m angry that the person who said she loved me unconditionally, didn’t believe me when I told
things that happened to me. Saying things like “he wouldn’t do that, he’s your dad and he loves you.”
She would sometimes say she wished she hadn’t moved to live with me because what she didn’t see
and hear didn’t hurt her. But if she didn’t see and hear it, she wouldn’t have believed it. This much
I knew. And he knew that if my people, my family didn’t believe it then it was “all in my head” and that
“I was crazy or being dramatic” or whatever other phrase he’d toss out there.

Thanksgiving has never been the same for me, since that’s the day she died. Christmas hasn’t been the
same since my Dad died on Christmas Eve almost 27 years ago. I guess we can just leave it at I’m angry
at them both on some level.

The following quote was in an email newsletter I get every night:
“This practice of inner hospitality means welcoming in whatever it is we are experiencing as having the possibility of wisdom for us. The Orphan [archetype] knows the power of tenderness and vulnerability and just wants to be seen, rather than fixed.” 

— Christine Valters Paintner, PhD,Illuminating the Way: Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics

Even though I wasn’t an orphan this quote kind of speaks to me. I was unseen, unheard, not believed.
I have never wanted someone to “fix” me. I want to tell my inner child that I see her, hear her, believe her. But it’s hard to do when no one else did. It’s hard to do because when your adult self tries to talk
about it with those who could have or should have had your back, didn’t or don’t believe you. When
appearances indicate they believe the side of the narcissist.

I think some of this muck is the stuff I’m supposed to be letting go of.
None of it, playing it over in my head or holding on to it, is serving me in any way except to keep me
stuck in the thick of the muck. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the roles anyone
played in what happened. I can’t make people believe me.
I’m done trying to fit in to space that isn’t for me. All my life, I’ve tried to fit in and be a part of space
that wasn’t for me. I’ve tried to be what I was told to be, what others wanted me to be. I’d done it
for so long, I had completely forgotten who I am. Over the last few years, I’ve been untangling myself
from their stories and lies. I don’t know if I am any closer to figuring shit out and I don’t know how
far I’ve come in the untangling. I just know I don’t want to be the square peg trying to fit herself into
the round hole because it’s what others want or expect.

This ended up a little heavier than I expected it to be. But I guess I had to get things out.
I guess I should turn my focus to putting together Szarlotka (Polish Apple Crumble) before the apples are
unusable. And I want to get some things out of the way for tomorrow, like pre chopping celery and onions, putting most of the green bean casserole together, and the candied yams. Going to peel and
chop the potatoes too. If we can get the prep mess out of the way, then that’s less clean up tomorrow.
Going to try making Instant Pot Mashed Potatoes for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it turns out good. Never made them this way before.

If you are gathering tomorrow I wish you a lovely and peaceful day.

Self-Care, Health, And Letting Go

Is that quite the mix?
I can see where they would all go together and yet at the same time seem to be
so far from each other as to make my head spin.

First I want to give a shout out to Effy for being real and keeping it real.
Thank you for your realness and your authenticity!!
Her last two posts, I did a lot of nodding and a-ha, yes girl!!

On Letting Go…
It seems like that time of year where everywhere I look, that phrase is coming up.
I hear it in my head all the time. But I never seem to know what it means. I don’t
know what it is I am supposed to be letting go of.
Well…maybe now, I know a little bit? I’m not sure.

You see, at a young age I learned to be “invisible”. To be “seen but not heard”, so I had
no voice. If I cried I was told to stop or I’d be given something to cry for. If my cousin hit
me I was not allowed to defend myself because I was older and knew better. So I got in
trouble and they didn’t.
If I tried to talk about traumatic things, I was told they weren’t true. That the person who did
it would never do that.
When I got older, if I tried to have my needs met or express myself…if I tried to disclose
abuse or…well I think you get the idea. I was told I was “being dramatic”, “over reacting”, “all
in my head.” So I kept getting silenced. I was afraid to shine, to be seen, to be heard.
I think that maybe this is one of the things, the whole lot, that I need to work on letting go of.
Let go of that narrative. To let go of the notion that self-care is selfish. Yeah, there’s that too.

I got my additional labs back. I need to have my cortisol tested, which I will be doing next week
when I meet with the nutrition/metabolic specialist about losing a few pounds. The functional
medicine NP thinks my extra weight is hormonal/thyroid related. She’s adding an additional
thyroid medication to my regimen. My Vitamin D is very low, so I have to take that as well. My DHEA
is too high, which is why I need the cortisol test. This might be stress or anxiety related. And since
I have been feeling my anxiety intensely at times, this makes some sense. I told her that I was also
a DV survivor and though I haven’t been officially diagnosed, it is highly likely that I have PTSD. The
DHEA also regulates our fight or flight response. And mine feels like I want to run far far away. I just
wish I knew what was triggering me so hard. It’s so much easier to deal with when I know what the
thing that set it off is.
I also have to add Ashwagandha and Magnesium to my daily supplements.
I am looking at some options to changing my eating habits. Eating better. I’m pretty sure my current
soda and 3 Musketeers addiction is not doing me any favors. I’m thinking of looking at the
Mediterranean diet again as well as maybe Whole 30/Paleo type and/or AIP. Only this time, instead of
just looking at them that I actually put them into practice.
Next week’s appointment is supposed to show me how my body metabolizes things. But counting
calories and measuring portions/weighing my food is not my cuppa.

What is that? How do I do that?
How do I do it without feeling selfish? Or even being told that I’m selfish. I don’t know that the latter
will be the case, but it has happened in the past.
It’s becoming clear(er) to me, especially based on some of what I wrote that I need to learn how to
put myself, my health, and my wellbeing first. Most of my life I have not been allowed to do that. Now,
it is beginning to feel like I must do that. It might be that my life depends on it.
This whole self-care journey will be a struggle for me as I come to grips with the fact that this is what I
need. I can already feel the whole “you are being selfish” narrative looming over me. I can already hear
the crack shots about what I am doing or eating, and I haven’t even started anything yet.
My sister of my heart (cousin by blood) is suggesting I try some meditation along with adding movement
like walking or yoga or simple stretches, in addition to making the dietary changes I might need. I was telling
her how I can’t clear my mind enough to meditate, I can’t quiet myself enough. She was telling me how she
uses a candle flame to focus on along with repeating a song or phrase for a set period of time. I told her
how I was told that focusing on a flame was a dangerous practice and could end up hypnotizing me. She told me
that should not happen so long as I set a timer for myself.

I am beginning to realize how much denying myself a creative practice is hurting me. All these real or perceived
excuses for not getting into my art cave is not good for me. How procrastinating on having a creative practice,
setting up different journals like a health bullet journal and a brain dump notebook for stuff like quotes and such…
not doing these things is hurting me and I don’t think I have realized just how much until now.

You don’t know how many times I sit down to write a post and think … no body wants to read this, no body cares,
all you’re doing is whining and no body wants to hear that.
But there is another voice that is barely above a whisper that says to me… your story is your story. It happened. You
went through it. You came out on the other side of it. If people don’t like it they should have treated you better, acted
better, did more to help you.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the people you thought were supposed to help you that you counted
on to do so, sided with your abuser or just flat out didn’t believe you.
And because of them, every time I tell a portion of my story I feel this deep in my bones that no one will believe me.
This is a very hard thing to deal with. And it has caused me to have trust issues.

I have my wounds and my scars even if you can’t see them.
I’ve been through things and survived. I’ve come out on the other side.
Rebuilding my life, making a life that I want is not easy.
Self care is hard. Letting go is hard. But I think I am worth it. Now if I can just put things into practice.

Can I Get A Do Over Today?

  • It is cloudy and breezy today.
    We are supposed to have rain coming at some point.
    We still have not dried out from the last round of rain.
    At least it was not foggy out today.
    So that is a plus, right?
  • My anxiety is still revved up and I have no clue why.
    I just cannot seem to shake it. I am not used to it lasting this long.
    It has been a good long while since the last time it happened.
    Even trying to distract myself with different things has is not
    helping. I have idea what triggered it. Well, maybe I do. Maybe
    it has all started since I went to the doctor and I am just afraid
    this whole crap with bills and insurance is going to start up again.
    Even though, as of Sunday things are still being paid.
  • I got told I was useless today because I was busy getting the dogs
    medicines together for their morning doses instead of helping with Bug.
    She was in the other room with another adult. But she was in her “I only
    want Grandma” mood. But Grandma was on the phone with the cell
    company trying to get her mobile data issue fixed. I thought Bug was
    being handled by the other person, but I guess she was just getting mad at
    them. And rather than just ask me to come help or take her, I get accused
    of being more worried about coffee, which I was not even making.
    We have one dog with an ear infection and another that just had 14 teeth
    pulled. I am kind of the designated medicine giver and was setting things
    up to for to give to the dogs. I am pretty OCD about it and have to check
    myself several times before I give it to them. I make sure I am giving the
    right meds to the right dog and in the right dose. And then you know, I
    have a schedule I need to stick to for them. So yeah…sigh.
  • It seems my bill has been partially paid. It is now showing a balance of $350
    rather than the $5000 it was. BUT that same thing is on the bill again that
    the claim is denied for some unknown reason. The billing lady is only in
    the office Monday – Wednesday. So I can’t call her to find out if I need to start
    calling the insurance again. I know she was still adjudicating bills from last
    year to be paid, so maybe that is what is going on. And that statement is just
    a “common” thing while it is going through the process because it has not
    gone through yet.
    None of my new charges are showing up yet. But that does not mean they will
    not if things go to shit again. SIGH!!! Does this shit ever end?!?!?!
  • Had to have my booby smash yesterday. I was okay with the one way, but when
    they had to take the side view…UGH! Stupid machine, the corner of the plate
    stabbed me under the arm. And you can’t not have it do that because of how they
    have to take the image. Hours later, when I was changing my clothes the same
    spot under both arms was still red. I would not be surprised if I end up with
    bruises. But it is done! So that is a plus!!
  • Then I went to do some laundry today. There was a small load to be washed in
    the machine already, so I got it started. Ten minutes into the cycle, the machine
    stops washing and makes a weird buzzing noise for like two minutes. Then the
    noise stopped, but the cycle would not start again. I was about to panic and all
    that good stuff, then after about another three minutes it started going again.
    It has not done that before, so hence me about to freak out. Let’s hope I can get
    through my three loads without incident.
  • Maybe, just maybe all of this I am feeling is because the New Moon is in Scorpio.
    And I am a Scorpio. Could that be it? Could all of this *waves hands* be what
    is making feel like the world is about to fall apart?
    I think this might be how Chicken Little feels when he runs around yelling, “The
    sky is falling!” It certainly feels that way, even though I do not have a clue as to
    why. I really just want to go somewhere and scream until I can’t anymore.
  • My first day of writing for NaNo went really well. I ended the day with a few
    hundred words over the minimum count for the day. I knew the next day would be
    a bit of a bear to write with the pupper going to the vet for dental work. But by
    the time I got home and fed myself, I barely got a couple hundred words down.
    Yesterday did not fair much better, only around 300 words. So here I sit on day four
    of NaNo with a 3643 word deficit. I am not terribly worried about catching up, yet I
    am at the same time. If I put my mind to it, not let myself get sidetracked or
    distracted, I know I can catch up or even exceed what I need.
    I know I should probably work on consistency of writing, rather than how many
    words I have or need for a particular day. Anything I write in one day or one session
    is way more than I had. And definitely more than if I did not write at all. But I see that
    50,000 goal and all that rationality flies out the window and I feel like I am failing and
    will “lose” another NaNo.
    I already know that I am writing too conservatively. I am not flourishing or embellishing
    what I am writing. I am not writing great detail or descriptively. I am losing valuable
    words but doing that. I should be pouring it all out on the page and then worrying later
    if it needs to come out. Instead of limiting my words in a way and then have to figure out
    how to add it in later. It will probably never be publishable, and I am okay with that. I just
    want to be able to say that I wrote at least one story from start to finish.
    I know I probably will not finish said story in thirty days. That is expected, the goal is to
    write 50,000 words. They are not supposed to be good words, they are not supposed to be
    perfect words. This is not supposed to be all polished up and ready to print. This is
    supposed to be a challenge to get that novel written, it is meant (I think) to get us started.
    But this is where I am at. And I have to be okay with that…for now.
  • Or maybe, I should just take my apparently “useless” ass off to go play video games and
    not give a shit about anything. Shush, let me have my brief pity party LOL.
  • New Moon Blessings Y’all!!

Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween And Other Stuff

It’s that time of year where I seem to draw inward.
I start thinking about all that I didn’t accomplish in the last year.
How I want to finish out the last two months of the year.
And what I want to attempt to accomplish and achieve in the coming year.
Sometimes I think of this day as the beginning of a new year.

Right now, I have no answers to the questions running through my head.
I’ve been riding waves of anxiety all week without knowing why or what is/was
causing it. It kind of lulled yesterday, but here it is today…back in full swing.
I feel like the rug is going to pulled out from under me at any moment.
I hate this feeling. It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially the not knowing
what is causing it.

Today I found out my cousin by blood and sister of my heart has covid. I sat here
and had every expletive you could think of screaming in my head while I sat and
cried. She says it’s very mild, she has had both her shots. But that doesn’t make me
any less scared or worried. I’m trying not to lose my shit over here and it’s hard. She
is home in quarantine, resting, and watching hallmark xmas movies. Please some body
tell me it will be okay!

Do you know how hard it is to find out what Pagan ways my Polish and Ukrainian
ancestors might have practiced? I can’t find anything about what sort of tools they
would have used for divination. I can find out what gods and goddesses they might have
honored. But practices…I’m hitting a brick wall.
I really want to know, if I can, what they might have practiced. I can remember being
told, when that when I was born my Babci did some sort of candle ritual and using the
bathroom tile. It was, I think, supposed to show her if someone had cursed me? It’s been
so long since I heard the story, I can hardly remember it.
My great grandma used to tie red ribbons around her plants to ward off the evil eye from
those who might be jealous of her green thumb.

Maybe though, before I go falling down the rabbit hole is that I should actually do the
DNA test to see what all I am. Maybe there is more to me than I know of. Maybe I am
not all that I was told I am.

Tomorrow is the first day of NaNoWriMo.
I have zero prep done for it. Everything I thought I would do got sidetracked by one
thing or another. So once again, I will be attempting this by flying by the seat of my
pants and hoping for the best.
One of the things I was hoping to incorporate into this story idea was some Polish Pagan
ways. Now, maybe I’ll have to put that aspect of my idea on the back burner and work
around it. Maybe I’ll throw the question out there into a group I am in regarding Slavic

I can feel the anxiety wave rising again. So with that, I think I will go find something
to distract myself with until it hopefully passes.

Samhain Blessings!!
Have a safe and Happy Halloween!!

This Is 52 And Other Musings

Yesterday, was the big 5-2!
And me, in my infinite lack of wisdom went and scheduled a doctor’s appointment.
On – my – birthday!!
What was I even thinking?

Well, I thought, honestly that Bug’s Momma was off of work because Bug had a
doctor’s appointment. As it turned out, her Momma wasn’t off. And her appointment
was cancelled because she has a cold.

I got to meet with the Functional Medicine NP yesterday. We discussed my labs from
two weeks ago, going a bit over my thyroid and hormones. As per my doc and the labs,
I have entered the menopause. His words LOL. NP reconfirmed that as we discussed
what, if any symptoms I am having. We decided to run some more labs checking some
other thyroid things, vitamin levels, and other hormone levels.
She seems very nice but talks a bit fast. Reminded me a bit of being back in NY, where
everyone seems to talk fast, walk fast, just everything fast.
I follow up with her in two weeks via televisit to discuss these results.
I was thoroughly delighted that my BP in the office was a lovely 126/74!!
So it would seem, that it’s the doc himself that sets my BP soaring high.

I can’t even begin to express how relieved I am that my BP was actually normal in the office!
There was some concern there. I made sure to check it at home the night before and the morning
of, and both times it was good even with a headache.

One of the things I am waiting on is a consult with a neurologist to discuss the arm/hand weakness
and hopefully the pain and tingling in my legs/back, sometimes my arms/hands too. I’m nervous
about seeing one. I know what my friend has gone through trying to get answers. They keep trying
to tell her she’s crazy and that her symptoms are all in her head.

I made some cod and shrimp in a lemon butter dill sauce (bottled) with a box of loaded scalloped
potatoes. Some spinach and mozzarella stuffed mushrooms. A glass of Sangria and strawberry
cheese cake (store bought). I couldn’t decide what I wanted. I kind of wanted lobster tail, but didn’t
want to pay the price. I didn’t really want to go out to eat because Rona numbers are still high here.
Though, in hindsight, I thought of it…we could have gone some place I wanted to eat at and got it to
go, then find a nice spot to sit and eat in the car. Oh well, I’ll try to remember that for another time. Even
for non-birthday meals.

I’ve gotten absolutely nothing done for NaNo prep. I’m still at a loss beyond my initial idea. Every time
I think to get into the art cave and hash some thoughts out or even maybe make some art, I get side
tracked. I thought maybe I’d get in there today, but the other Little has come over and wanted to play
with the big kid toys on the floor of my cave. But I will try at some point I hope.

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind of late. And of course, I can’t think of any of them right now.
Always seems to be the way, when I sit down to write the thoughts fly out the window.

This is a birthday picture of me, after I got home from my appointment.

I’m wearing my “magic” as the Little used to call them.
And I felt like braided pigtails.
I was never allowed to have long hair growing up.
One summer, when I was about5 or 6, my hair got long enough for
two little pigtails and I was so excited. I was so happy to have them.
Then before I knew it, my mother was walking me into the hair salon
(we called it a beauty parlor back then) to get my hair cut. I was
devastated. I cried my little heart out.
It wasn’t until high school that I stood up to my mother and said I was
done with the boyish hair cuts. Then of course as an adult I could
wear my hair how I wanted. Since then, I’ve worn it varying lengths.
With the Rona, I have not been for a hair cut in over two years. I’ve
snipped the ends myself a couple of times, but that’s it.
I wore my braided pigtails yesterday in honor of my inner child and the
child I once was that was denied them.

Some Thoughts Tuesday

It’s been a few days since I posted. That wasn’t what I intended.
Time got away from me a little bit. And then the next thing I know
almost two weeks has gone by since I posted. So here’s what’s going
on in my world.

  • There’s talk of freeze warnings and some snow tonight into tomorrow.
    I don’t think any will stick though. A few flurries were flying yesterday
    much to our joy and surprise. There’s talk in the news of having a
    La Nina winter pattern, but it shouldn’t be on the Snowmaggedon of
    2016 level where we had almost 40 inches of snow fall that winter season.
    Yesterday and earlier today was wickedly windy. Making it feel a lot colder
    than it was.
  • I went in to get labs drawn for before my annual visit with the doctor. And
    as luck would have it, they had an opening that morning to see him. So I said
    let’s do it and then I realized how mentally unprepared I was for this. By the
    time I got into the room my blood pressure was 180/100. I was also fasting
    for the labs and had no caffeine so I had a headache coming on. Then it was
    oh so when was your last PAP.
    At this point I was thinking “what the fuck was I thinking?” So I’m like extremely
    nervous at this point and trying not to think about bolting in nothing but the
    fashionable not quite paper, not quite cloth snap vest and the lovely paper drape
    covering my lady bits. After my labs were drawn, they checked my pressure again
    and it was down to 164/80. So better, but not ideal. I have to monitor it twice a
    day for the next week and bring the numbers in when I see him again on Wednesday.
  • Then, even though I know going forward my insurance is working. Because we
    checked before being seen. I had no idea what the status of my year old $5000
    bill was. It has been impossible for me to reach the lady that handles the billing.
    So good news is everything from here on out is covered and is showing my
    insurance as the only one. And from the message she gave the receptionist for me
    was that she ran my bill again and it went through. Y’all I wanted to cry!!! I mean,
    I’m still worried about it. Until I see it with my own eyes ya know. And I see a zero
    balance, I am going to worry.
  • In other good news, he said I can hold off on having any surgery since my results
    from the Myosure were negative. We’re rechecking hormone levels, thyroid, and
    the rest of the things they check in an annual. I asked about the weakness and
    sometimes tingling I have been getting, but we couldn’t really discuss it in this visit.
  • US health care is so fucked up that you can’t talk about anything outside the scope
    of your annual exam. If you need to address other issues, you have to make another
    appointment. So says the health insurance industry. Basically these greedy fuckers
    would rather you make additional appointments instead of just dealing with shit in the
    one you are already at. SMDH!!!
  • I’ve gotten a couple of early birthday presents!!
    I got a FitBit yesterday. And today I got a wireless keyboard to use with my tablet.
    Word got out that I was eyeballing a chrome book. I was informed that my tablet
    was better and it was best to just get me a keyboard for it.
    I’m hoping that this will be a big nudge for me with my writing.
  • Speaking of writing…I’m so behind on Prep-tober!
    I’m not sure what if any prep I will get done. Might be another November of writing
    by the seat of my pants again. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I do this
    every year. Say I’m going to prep and then I don’t. I wonder if I did more prep, would
    I “win” more NaNos. Half the fun is in the writing, so I’m going to try not to get too
    frustrated with myself over it.
  • In an effort to focus on myself, my health, and some self care, I got myself a yoga
    mat and a knee mat. I think I need to pick up another block. I can’t really do a whole
    lot of moves. I need them to be simple and gentle. I have a couple of resistance bands
    that I saw some easy moves to do with too.
    I haven’t started yet. I’m having a hard time committing to doing it. And to just starting.

But that’s the update. Figures crossed that my pressure doesn’t go crazy and that my tests
are all good.

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