Self-Care, Health, And Letting Go

Is that quite the mix?
I can see where they would all go together and yet at the same time seem to be
so far from each other as to make my head spin.

First I want to give a shout out to Effy for being real and keeping it real.
Thank you for your realness and your authenticity!!
Her last two posts, I did a lot of nodding and a-ha, yes girl!!

On Letting Go…
It seems like that time of year where everywhere I look, that phrase is coming up.
I hear it in my head all the time. But I never seem to know what it means. I don’t
know what it is I am supposed to be letting go of.
Well…maybe now, I know a little bit? I’m not sure.

You see, at a young age I learned to be “invisible”. To be “seen but not heard”, so I had
no voice. If I cried I was told to stop or I’d be given something to cry for. If my cousin hit
me I was not allowed to defend myself because I was older and knew better. So I got in
trouble and they didn’t.
If I tried to talk about traumatic things, I was told they weren’t true. That the person who did
it would never do that.
When I got older, if I tried to have my needs met or express myself…if I tried to disclose
abuse or…well I think you get the idea. I was told I was “being dramatic”, “over reacting”, “all
in my head.” So I kept getting silenced. I was afraid to shine, to be seen, to be heard.
I think that maybe this is one of the things, the whole lot, that I need to work on letting go of.
Let go of that narrative. To let go of the notion that self-care is selfish. Yeah, there’s that too.

I got my additional labs back. I need to have my cortisol tested, which I will be doing next week
when I meet with the nutrition/metabolic specialist about losing a few pounds. The functional
medicine NP thinks my extra weight is hormonal/thyroid related. She’s adding an additional
thyroid medication to my regimen. My Vitamin D is very low, so I have to take that as well. My DHEA
is too high, which is why I need the cortisol test. This might be stress or anxiety related. And since
I have been feeling my anxiety intensely at times, this makes some sense. I told her that I was also
a DV survivor and though I haven’t been officially diagnosed, it is highly likely that I have PTSD. The
DHEA also regulates our fight or flight response. And mine feels like I want to run far far away. I just
wish I knew what was triggering me so hard. It’s so much easier to deal with when I know what the
thing that set it off is.
I also have to add Ashwagandha and Magnesium to my daily supplements.
I am looking at some options to changing my eating habits. Eating better. I’m pretty sure my current
soda and 3 Musketeers addiction is not doing me any favors. I’m thinking of looking at the
Mediterranean diet again as well as maybe Whole 30/Paleo type and/or AIP. Only this time, instead of
just looking at them that I actually put them into practice.
Next week’s appointment is supposed to show me how my body metabolizes things. But counting
calories and measuring portions/weighing my food is not my cuppa.

What is that? How do I do that?
How do I do it without feeling selfish? Or even being told that I’m selfish. I don’t know that the latter
will be the case, but it has happened in the past.
It’s becoming clear(er) to me, especially based on some of what I wrote that I need to learn how to
put myself, my health, and my wellbeing first. Most of my life I have not been allowed to do that. Now,
it is beginning to feel like I must do that. It might be that my life depends on it.
This whole self-care journey will be a struggle for me as I come to grips with the fact that this is what I
need. I can already feel the whole “you are being selfish” narrative looming over me. I can already hear
the crack shots about what I am doing or eating, and I haven’t even started anything yet.
My sister of my heart (cousin by blood) is suggesting I try some meditation along with adding movement
like walking or yoga or simple stretches, in addition to making the dietary changes I might need. I was telling
her how I can’t clear my mind enough to meditate, I can’t quiet myself enough. She was telling me how she
uses a candle flame to focus on along with repeating a song or phrase for a set period of time. I told her
how I was told that focusing on a flame was a dangerous practice and could end up hypnotizing me. She told me
that should not happen so long as I set a timer for myself.

I am beginning to realize how much denying myself a creative practice is hurting me. All these real or perceived
excuses for not getting into my art cave is not good for me. How procrastinating on having a creative practice,
setting up different journals like a health bullet journal and a brain dump notebook for stuff like quotes and such…
not doing these things is hurting me and I don’t think I have realized just how much until now.

You don’t know how many times I sit down to write a post and think … no body wants to read this, no body cares,
all you’re doing is whining and no body wants to hear that.
But there is another voice that is barely above a whisper that says to me… your story is your story. It happened. You
went through it. You came out on the other side of it. If people don’t like it they should have treated you better, acted
better, did more to help you.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the people you thought were supposed to help you that you counted
on to do so, sided with your abuser or just flat out didn’t believe you.
And because of them, every time I tell a portion of my story I feel this deep in my bones that no one will believe me.
This is a very hard thing to deal with. And it has caused me to have trust issues.

I have my wounds and my scars even if you can’t see them.
I’ve been through things and survived. I’ve come out on the other side.
Rebuilding my life, making a life that I want is not easy.
Self care is hard. Letting go is hard. But I think I am worth it. Now if I can just put things into practice.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sue Blott
    Nov 12, 2021 @ 07:51:48

    You are so very much worth it, Lisa. I believe you and i see you and I’m very glad you shared. Thank you. ❤


  2. tamarasagathevan
    Nov 17, 2021 @ 15:26:42

    Hi Lisa, I see you. Never stop sharing and telling your story. I was silenced in a different way…don’t share unless positive, and I am working hard on letting go by first sharing and speaking my truth and honouring the little girl in me. We, the silenced, deserve to be heard. I am listening to you. Tamara


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