I managed to catch up a little bit on my word count. I ended yesterday about 875 words short of being back on target. Today was a day spent out with the girls, it was definitely needed! So of course, being gone all day I am about 2500 words in the hole for the moment. According to the NaNo site, I need to write 1740 words to finish on time with 50,000 words.
BUT….that is not what I want to write about in this post tonight. There was an article I came across on Facebook a couple of days ago that I found really interesting. I guess it is not an official thing like PTSD is. This was called PNSD. Post Narcissist Stress Disorder. The two are similar, but yet are different is what I am understanding. It might seem that some people are thinking this new designation is unnecessary since a lot the same things fall under C-PTSD. Maybe it will earn a spot in the disorder category, maybe it will not. You can read the entire list of symptoms here.
There are three main symptoms. One of the main symptoms is Emotional Numbing. As I mentioned in a previous post, I got real good an numbing by detaching. Something I learned about in High School when I attended about a year or so of Al-a-teen meetings. It was a big thing that was talked about back then, we are talking 1984, 1985. I learned how to get pretty good at detaching by the time I was married to a narcissist.
Then there are the self-esteem issues one develops. I have a hard time with reliving events like arguments and such. I have trouble believing if people are genuine or not. I am the one who goes to the worst case scenario on just about any matter. I can be jumpy and have panic attacks, I have sleep issues, self doubt is a big problem as well as self blame. I tend to keep people at a distance, sometimes I avoid things that I would typically enjoy or used to enjoy. I can identify with several others on the list to varying degrees.
It started early in life for me, I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I was an accident, I should never have been born. I was told those over and over again. When I was sixteen and started working, she said I owed her for all the years she had to take care of me. Nothing I did was ever right or good enough. When I asked her to show me how to do things, she would say no. Then she would turn around and tell people I was lazy and never did anything to help her.
She tried to control my life and everyone in it. In high school, if I went out with friends I could not go alone. She had to go every where with us. It was embarrassing! And frustrating. I do not know how the few friends that I had put up with it.
The guy I dated during that time was controlling and abusive. I have talked about some of the things he did in a post a few days back. And how she kept trying to keep me with him. A couple of years after it was finally over with him and he was out of my life, some kindly souls felt the need to tell me that they believed he and my mom were a thing. Either during the end of out time together or after we split. After awhile, I stopped listening because I just did not care and I did not want to know.
Then I got married. Little did I know at the time I was marrying a narcissist. Maybe I had an inkling? I honestly do not know for sure if I did or not. Things were subtle, which could be why I did not have a clear idea of it happening. A year after we were wed, we moved out of state. Now it is not that I did not want to move, I did eventually. I just did not expect it to be that soon. I had other thoughts on how it would all go. I never expected to be so homesick for my neighborhood and family. So I called them….A LOT! And he would get super pissed about it. I could spend hours on the phone with them because I missed them so much.
Eventually his complaints led to me calling less and less. It would be three years before we went back for a wedding. It would be four years before I got to spend a week at “home”. Just before I left for that week with my oldest, he made sure to tell me that if I even thought about leaving him that he would have me arrested and declared unfit. That he would make sure that I never saw her again. Up to that moment, I had never even considered the thought. But when he said it, it was like a light bulb went off. I just could not make any connections yet. I was confused. During my stay that week, my Babci did ask me to stay. To not go home. Little did she know how much I wanted to, just because I missed being back there. But she had no idea about his threat, I declined her offer because I had to.
More and more, he would tell me how I was not good enough at things. I did not cook right, or wash clothes right. I did not vacuum right or clean right. Everything I did was never good enough. He would spend money needlessly, but it was my fault that there was never enough. I had no friends down there. And even if I managed to make a friend here or there, he would eventually drive them away. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with him.
As the girls got older, he would just as cruel. He would tell me youngest she was fat or chunky even though she was neither. He would tell one or both they were stupid or dumb for not knowing something. If they expressed their dreams or desires, he would shoot them down much the same way he and my mother did to me with my own dreams. My oldest wanted to study photography at SCAD in Savannah. He would tell her that photography was a nice hobby but she should think about getting a “real” job. She still works on her photography, but I think she gave up her dream of going to school for it. I would try my best to counter his narcissistic treatment to them but I think I may have failed anyway.
It has been seven years since I left. I still struggle. I still can hear them, him and my mother, in my head. It is no wonder I have so much trouble following through on my dreams and desires. It is so hard to get them out of my head after years of not one but two people being the resident narcissist in your life. With so much of my life being under a narcissist, it is no wonder that I struggle with even the simplest things sometimes.
I feel so much safer in my cocoon with the walls up, keeping people at bay. But that gets so dark and lonely. And then, I miss out on some possibly great friendships. Everyday, whether I realize it or not, whether I acknowledge it or not, is a struggle. Some days I feel like I am waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, even if there is not one TO drop. It is just all those years of conditioning.
I can only do what I can do. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one second at a time if need be. I have to learn to be gentle with myself. I have to learn what self care methods work for me when I am triggered and then put them into practice without feeling guilty for doing it. That is hard to do, because I feel guilty for having been triggered, then I feel guilty for having to practice self care to get through it. Then I feel guilty, even angry that they even after all these years are still in my head. I am trying to learn how to ignore them if I can’t silence them.
Someday, I will be triumphant. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday I will be.
The Forgotten Muse 