Yesterday was Leap Day and our Doxy’s 15th birthday. He might be old, but he’s still got some spunk in him. He can’t hear any more, and sometimes we wonder about his eyesight. There are times where we think he has “selective sight” lol, that he sees what he wants to.
Chosen Mom had surgery two weeks ago to repair a compression fracture that refused to heal. They even put two tiny jacks in her vertebrae to support it. She’s doing well. Sitting and not doing things is not her forte. She is a very independent person, so that part has been hard for her.
Our boy, Jack, is doing amazingly well. We were able to wean him off the Prednisone and stop it completely. He still doesn’t have a lot of muscle control or strength with his hind legs, but it does not slow him down. He can run and jump onto chairs and even manages to climb the cat trees.
Working on my WOTY…Unbecoming/Unraveling. It’s hard. When stuff is so deeply rooted and ingrained in you out of fear of not being compliant. OOF! Trying to use my voice and express myself and what I might want or need, even harder yet. But I am trying, or I think I am anyway.
I hope all is well in your world, where ever you are.
2023 certainly had it’s rough spots. First we lost our beautiful girl, Georgia. This was the first Christmas without our beloved Saint Bernard. Then, we lost our sweet, chatty calico girl, Crouton. She loved Turkey! All you had to do was say the word and there she was. So having turkey for Thanksgiving and not having her around was hard. We almost lost our new boy, Jack. We suspect he was tossed from a moving vehicle in October 2022. We weren’t able to catch him until that November, but only because he was so weak. He couldn’t run, his hind end was not doing well, he had road rash on his back legs and knees. We took him to the vet and they basically told us he was a lost cause. That it would be best to let him go. They didn’t think he’d ever walk again, or that he’d ever use a litter box on his own again. In the first month or two that we had him, we had him back there like three times. Then he developed a growth on his back a little bigger than a walnut. It burst on Mother’s Day and it looked like a massacre in the room. We found a vet that was open and rushed him. We told her about his previous visits to the other vet and what they said. She made it her mission to save his life. He was touch and go for a bit. He had an infection that was down to his bone, but thankfully did not invade his spine. There was for a time some speculation that he may have broken his spine, but x-rays ruled it out. He ended up developing a second cyst on the opposite side. The new vet treated him with compassion, hope, and strong antibiotics. (I’ll leave out the gross part of what she had to do) He now uses the box on his own, he walks albeit wonky, he can jump small heights. He’s feisty and full of life. He is quite the character, our Jack. And we are finally able to wean him off the prednisone he has been on for over a year. We are so very grateful to the new vet for not giving up on him. We take all our animals to her now. And no matter who we bring in, she always asks “how’s our boy Jack doing?” and she is always absolutely giddy when we update her.
The spinal MRIs I had gave us no clear answers. Spinal compression and fractures/breaks were ruled out. Confirmed were spinal spurs, degeneration, mild stenosis, a tear and hypertrophy in my lumbar region. In July, my PCP finally referred me to cardio. Who in turn had me wear a heart monitor for 14 days. Let me tell you, not the best time to wear it, summer time. After a bunch of balls being dropped and fiasco with my appointment being rescheduled the day before I was to be seen. I was diagnosed with tachycardia, Orthostatic Hypotension, and POTS in October. While I am happy to have a diagnosis, I am not pleased with how I was treated. The PA assumed I was a drug user because I have dental issues. No matter how many times he asked me the same question, if I was sure I didn’t do drugs. He didn’t seem to believe me. He’d ask another question and circle back to drugs. It was so frustrating!!! This went on for about 75% of the visit. Then he handed me a very clinical/academic paper about OH/POTS. Told me to read it, increase my fluids and sodium intake, exercise as I am able, wear compression clothing, and come back in 3 months unless things went sideways. I had no idea how much to increase anything or what kind of compression clothing to get. So I bought a pair of socks at Walmart, started wearing my gloves again (trying to remember to wear them both anyway). They inundated with calls and texts to schedule my next appointment, which was computer error on their part. I finally spoke to a human that said I’d get a call to do it when it was closer. GUESS WHAT??? No call!
I am still trying to figure out my Word of the Year. I’m looking at UNBECOMING. It might sound like a weird choice. But the more I look at it, the more I think about it, it seems to fit. I have been repeatedly seeing things about breaking old habits, old patterns, old beliefs. Unbecoming the things others made me be or believe I was, breaking out of the cages/boxes others had stuffed me into. Let go of what doesn’t serve and lead to my highest good. I have a lot of shit revolving around fear, guilt, shame, unworthiness, not-enough-ness. Much of it keeps me stuck and unable to move forward. I have days where it is even hard to take my camera outside my own door to take photos of something that catches my eye. How stupid is that!?!?! But here I am. Seeing a lot around calling back my power and energy to me, too. I don’t know how successful I will be or if I can even do it. There’s a lot to unlearn and let go of.
But, all that said, I just wanted to check in. Say HI! Happy New Year! Be well! I wish you all good things in the coming year!
What I’m listening to lately: * Unstoppable by SIA * What I Know So Far by PINK *What About Us by PINK *Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac, and a cover by Lissie *Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin, and a cover by Lissie
What I’m watching: *Mayfair Witches on AMC *Game of Thrones on MAX
On my hook (I’m crocheting again) *Purr-maid by Hooked by Robin
What I’m reading: *”The Lies You Wrote” by Brianna Labuskes
And off to a banging start not in a good way either.
I started off the new year sick. Sore throat, stuff nose, cough, a little achy for about a day. The achiness went away, but the rest stuck around for about a week. I feel okay for a day and the stuff nose and cough were back in force, sore throat too for a couple days and I lost my voice for almost 4 days. The congestion and cough are lingering, driving me and everyone around me bonkers.
On the 3rd our beloved Saint Bernard collapsed outside a died suddenly. She was only 6 years (4 months and 1 day) old. We had her to the vet back in September after she developed an unexplainable limp. Bloodwork and x-rays revealed nothing suspicious. A follow up x-ray two weeks after showed no changes. She was basically given a clean bill of health. On this day, she went outside to potty and then play, was coming up a slight incline and just collapsed. S.O. and Mom tried desperately to revive her but to no avail. We’ve all been in a state of shock and confusion as to why this would happen. They took her to the vet afterwards for them to arrange her cremation. The intake vet said that he examined her and that there were no wounds or indications of poisoning. His best guess was she had a blood clot or a heart attack. It’s something that big dogs can be prone to and happen without warning. We are beyond devastated at her passing. If you would have told me this was the last photo of her I was going to take, I would have called you a liar. Image: Georgia and KC one of our cats sharing the new dog bed.
In other news, I have finally been able to start seeing someone about what’s going on with my back. Back in December 2021, I asked one of my primary doctors why I was having numbness, weakness, and tingly in my arms and legs. Since it was out of his area of expertise, he referred me to a neurologist or so I thought. Turns out he referred me to a neurosurgeon. Either way, my referral and subsequent requests for information from my primary were lost in the nethers and it took a year to finally get in. It should have only taken 6 weeks at most. When we checked the status of my referral over the spring, we were told it would be 12 – 18 months, but to call back in the summer. November rolls around and I’ve heard nothing. I asked my primary what to do, and they said call them again. This is when I find out the whole mix up and confusion.
After my answering some questions and I guess I filled in some of the blanks, the neurosurgeon’s team reviewed what they had and decided I might best be served by seeing a spine specialist first to determine what is happening. That it might not be as serious as to warrant seeing a surgeon for. It was quite the dance trying to get all this squared away before my referral expired.
I got in to see the spine specialist who is absolutely wonderful. On our first visit, she spent close to an hour with me listening to my concerns and symptoms. Examining me and then making suggestions and referrals for an MRI of my lumbar region and a nerve test on my arms to rule in or out carpal tunnel or if there is in fact something going on with my cervical spine area.
The MRI ruled out the need for surgery as no pinched nerves were detected in my lumbar region. But it didn’t give us any answers either. It did show some early disc degeneration and a small tear in one of the discs. As well as arthritis in my spine. So we are now playing the process of elimination game to find the cause if there is one. Or does it all just come back around to Fibromyalgia? Of course in the meantime, if I develop anything new or worsening I am to call her right away.
At a recent visit to my primary for my annual lady stuff check up, I had a PTSD episode during the exam. So very grateful the my doctor recognized it immediately for what it was and held my hand through the rest of the exam. Only proceeding when I was ready. He held my hand and spoke soothing words of reassurance and comfort, while the med student/intern? did the exam. This was the first time I ever had a full on episode during an exam. He didn’t criticize me or ridicule me or put me down. He didn’t imply that I was crazy or that it was all in my head. He helped me through it. I am beyond relieved that he noticed the signs and acted accordingly. My other primary care doctor at the practice doesn’t want to put PTSD on my chart because she “doesn’t want to label me” as she puts it. She told me at one visit that “we all have it in some form or another”. I’m not sure I agree with her reasoning. I think it should be noted that I have it given my history. I mean I think it would explain to another doctor why I might lose my shit over something that would to another patient be uneventful. What do you think?
So anyway, here we are into the third week of January. It’s not starting off the way any of us had hoped. But it is what it is.
The word that chose me for 2023 is ALIGNMENT. I’m also still bringing forward SACRED and SOVEREIGNTY because we are still working together, we’re not done yet. I’m not sure what alignment looks like exactly. But it feels important.
Hope your new year is off to a good start. Bright Blessings!
I wanted to come in and do one last post for 2022. It could be a next to last post but we’ll see. Nine months since I’ve blogged. It was never my intention to stay away for so long. But once again, here we are.
I always had thoughts and things I wanted to write about but could never seem to find the words. Alas, I am still here. Alive. And hanging in there. When I thought about dusting off the blog and writing a post, the above image from “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” came to mind. It’s a short scene in the movie about 11 or so seconds long, but memorable.
I’ve been struggling a lot with Fibro Fog. It makes me forget words or even my train of thought. If I don’t write down something I want to do, I will forget it. I might eventually remember, then again I might not I forget conversations. I forget to do things, like sometimes taking my evening meds at dinner time. And then Covid came. After two years of avoiding it, it found me. On my birthday no less. Thanks to having the JJ vaccine and a booster by one of the other makers, my symptoms were more or less on the mild side. Aches, pains, by the middle of it, my taste and smell were affected.
Taste and smell are mostly back, though there is the odd thing here and there that still doesn’t taste right or smell right if at all. Like I have trouble telling if something is spoiled. I have a lingering cough. I have trouble breathing at times, also I get winded and tired easily. The worst thing is my brain fog is worse. Having Fibro Fog coupled with Covid brain fog is not fun at all. I was at a medical appointment and I was trying to explain something to the practitioner, I had a hell of time trying to find the words that were eluding me. I did though, thankfully. Still it was not a good thing for me, especially since I used to have such a good memory.
Since I was last here on the blog, I was “fired” by my nutritionist because I had nearly reached the weight goal we set. When I started last December, I was 175 pounds. As of my last annual appointment I was 20 pounds less. I can fit into some of my favorite clothes again. I was referred to physical therapy to possibly help with my pain. I also finally got into see a spinal specialist after the neurologist took a look at my referral. I may still end up at the neurologist, depending on what my upcoming MRI reveals. Specialist has some initial thoughts and ideas about what might be going on, but is not formally diagnosing until after the MRI. She also wants a nerve study done on my arms/hands, but we’ve been having trouble finding someone that accepts my insurance.
I was making small and slow progress at physical therapy. But after Covid, I have had a set back which has put me back to near square one. I had a re-evaluation yesterday. My IT band has almost completely retightened up and now I have bursitis in my hip. I’ve got some low impact things to do at home for the next week. Then when I go back, we’ll address my mid back/shoulder blade issues and adding more exercises probably. But …. I also have Covid fatigue which makes things a bit difficult since I get tired so easily. Building my resistance up will be slow going. We also discussed the possibility of my having POTS because I’ve noticed some things happening since August. And after having Covid, they seem to be on a whole other level.
The thing is though that the symptoms for POTS also coincides with Fibro symptoms. There was an article I read yesterday morning that was linking POTS as a post Covid condition in some people. I briefly explained what I have been experiencing to one of my physical therapists. And he did say it was a possibility, but we both agreed that I shouldn’t start jumping to conclusions. Something I am apt to do when new symptoms crop up. For now, I’ll just watch and see, and start taking note of things. If I can keep a timeline of symptoms, severity, occurrences then I’ll be better informed and can discuss them with my doctor the next time I go in.
When I talk about my “issues” I feel like people brush them off and roll theirs eyes thinking something like “oh here she goes again.” or “now what’s wrong.” It’s hard to explain invisible illnesses to others. I never realized how hard it was until it was happening to me and I was the one having to try and explain. And when words evade you making your ability to explain more difficult.
I’m still struggling to set up and maintain boundaries. Often times I get laughed at for them. I am still struggling with sticking with a daily art practice, an at least weekly photography practice, writing has been near non-existent. My sacred practice also has been following in the same vein. I didn’t want to come to the end of this year and find myself in the same place as previous years. Yet here I am. I can sit at my computer and not be bothered. But as soon as step foot in the ‘art cave’ and sit at my art table….there’s all kinds of interruptions. Even with the door closed! So I eventually get discouraged, stop going in there, stop trying to create. Thus putting me in the same place I was. This is one of the boundaries I have a lot of trouble with. Maybe even my biggest one. I think part of it is the whole imposter syndrome monster. Part of it is I don’t feel worthy to call myself an artist, writer, creator, photographer, etc. Another part is I feel guilty every time I go in there to do something creative.
I have some small wins over the last year. But I’m not where I’d like to be. I did lose weight. I did cut soda out….for awhile anyway. But it’s got it’s grips deep in me again. I was doing yoga at least 2-3 times a week. And then I “fell of the mat” and have not done it in months. I have made some art. I was doing really well joining Effy’s “PTTM” every Monday. Until I let “things” get in my way and stopped joining in. I made and bound an art journal after watching Effy’s “Bootcamp” videos. I’ve made mistakes with it. LOTS of mistakes. But still I’ll take it as a win that I made one. I did take pictures this year. Just not as many as I would have liked. I started to get discouraged when they didn’t come out the way I had hoped. I’m having difficulty capturing the colors of a sunset as I see them with my eyes. I got a new lens for Christmas. A huge surprise! Of all the things on my list, it was the one I least expected to get. It is an 18-200 Tamron lens. I’m looking forward to taking pictures with it. My next concern with my camera though is that I have found myself shaking quite a bit when taking pictures. No matter how much I tuck my arms close and try to stay steady. Maybe something will be revealed with the MRI that will explain what’s happening, if anything.
This all brings me to my word of the year. My words usually find me. Sometimes sooner like October or November it will start showing up. Other times the word cuts it close and shows up at the last minute. I will carry SACRED with me again…we are still not done with each other. I will also carry this year’s word SOVEREIGN(TY) with me for the same reason. For 2023 my word is ALIGN(MENT). When a word finds me, I look for synchronicities. And this word was showing up several times a day, everyday. As were my other two words. That is another way I know we are done yet. Aside from the fact that I ran from them at every turn because I was afraid of what I would discover if I followed through.
I want to ALIGN with my body, my needs, my creativity. I want to seek the SACRED. I want SOVEREIGNTY over myself and all that I do and create. I want to listen and do the things that I am being called to do. I don’t know how all three of these words tie together or how I will do this. Especially on days I feel like I am battling my body. Or battling fear and imposter syndrome. But I have to figure it out.
Hey there, Hi there, Ho there… Oh boy has it ever been a hot minute or what?!
I had not intended to not write for so long. I guess I kept falling into the “I’ll do it later” and well…it’s certainly later.
I don’t really have a good reason other than I procrastinated for the last two months I suppose. There were a few heck days in there too. But life ya know. It does that.
So let’s see, where did I leave off? I still feel like my cortisol is through the roof. I have some good days but then I have days were I just feel like I’m waiting for something to go wrong. The fight or flight is strong on those days.
The 5 pounds I gained, I lost again at my last appointment at the beginning of March. So that was good. We talked about things I should be limiting, if not avoiding. I’m trying to be more conscious of what things make me feel like crap. There are things I just haven’t wanted, that before I would have probably binged on. I went to the eye doctor a little over a week ago. They took images of the inside of my eyes rather than dilate them. Oh my gosh…that was the coolest thing ever!!!! I’ve never seen the inside of my own eyes before. He pointed out the nerves and blood vessels, my floaters. The inside of the eye looks like a nebula and the floaters are like stars. What it did confirm though, was that I don’t have high blood pressure and there is no evidence of diabetes damage. I do, however, have the beginnings of a cataract in my right eye. He said it will be 5 to 15 years before it becomes troublesome and need to be addressed. My left is okay right now, but it will eventually follow suit.
Also, found out that the glasses I currently have are too strong. They overpowered my lenses and so I have been wearing the wrong prescription for the last two years. My lenses are progressives, so they also made the spaces in between too narrow. This was the nicest eye doctor I have ever been to. Not only did I get an exam, but I learned things I never knew. I just wish glasses, especially lenses weren’t so dang expensive!!
Can I vague rant for a moment? Why is it that when you do something that was for your own mental wellbeing, you’re viewed as (or even accused of) being the bad person? That what you did was selfish and perhaps unnecessary in the eyes of others. Why do you feel like awful for going no connect with someone(s) who you tried your damnedest to stay in touch with? Only to be made to feel like you were imposing on them or interrupting them every time you reached out. That when you made contact and tried to have a conversation, you were practically ignored. Again, being made to feel like the things you did for your own mental health were selfish and that you made it all up. Am I wrong because I stopped reaching out? Am I wrong or selfish because I chose my mental health? *end vague rant…for now*
I’ve fallen off the Yoga wagon. I was doing pretty good for a bit. But this month I’ve failed miserably. I’ve been having some stronger pelvic pains and so I’ve been hesitant to do it. I don’t want to make the pain worse. I’m trying to make better food choices but feel guilty for it. I don’t feel like I’m missing out for skipping the ice cream or cake or doughnut. I’ve been doing really good limiting my soda to a half of 16-20 oz. bottle. Some days I can skip it all together. I am managing on one cup of coffee a day. Every once in awhile, like today, I’ll have an extra half cup.
I failed once again at the 100 Days Project. I tried, but my hand would hurt every time I did a page. Maybe I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t decide on anything to switch to. Camp NaNoWriMo starts in 3 days. The beauty of Camp is you can pick your own word count. I haven’t yet picked a goal or a project.
This war…it’s really hitting me hard. These are my people. The land of my ancestors. I can’t even begin to put how I feel into words.
Hope you have all been well. I will try not to stay away so long next time.
Sorry to have been MIA for the last 18 days. Just been trying to sort everything out and deal with things.
So, we’re 18 days in to the year and I’ve already had four doctor appointments. One was with my nutritionist. I somehow managed to lose 5 lbs. despite or in spite of the holidays. Even though some of it was water weight, which we don’t want she said 5 lbs. is 5 lbs. We talked about committing to some sort exercise/movement. I may have mentioned that I had bought a yoga mat and block. So at that point, I sealed my own fate lol. I committed to one day a week to start and a time, basically setting a date with myself. By the third week, she wanted to see me add a second day to my self-date. And if I am able, she wanted me to try to split my routine by doing some in the morning and some in the evening. The later being a type of chair yoga while watching TV or something. Towards the end of my session with her, I mentioned that I hadn’t heard back about my cortisol test even though the patient portal showed they were in. I learned that after it’s tested, it has to be graphed. I didn’t know that. Anyway though, she got my results and gave me a WTF look and then said “What happened? What’s going on with you? This is the worst levels I have ever seen. I’ve never seen anyone so high.” She then turned the paper to me and my graph was practically off the paper. I was then scheduled immediately for a follow up with my functional med practitioner first thing the next day. Next morning, phone visit….bam! Same things asked. You could hear the “WTF Girl?” in her voice. She asked me about any recent losses, stress, etc. I briefly touched on my past, my history, all the way back to childhood. Abusive exes, narcissistic ex, narcissistic mom, mom had known “issues”, alcoholic dad. She asked if I had gotten divorced first, I said yes but I waited over 10 years for it. So it was a good thing. Then she asked what about before that, hence the list. Right now, it is looking like I am stuck in “Fight or Flight” mode. Which explains a bit why I’ve been feeling these waves of anxiety and like I am expecting the other shoe to drop as they say. I’ve been in this mode for so long (childhood) that my body doesn’t know, it seems, how to get unstuck. She has added a few more supplements to my daily regime. And hopefully the yoga practice will help some. I made a point to make sure my nutritionist understood that I have fibro and chronic pain, that I just can’t go into intense moves. She actually listened and looked up what would be good for me. It pointed to Hatha and/or Yin Yoga. She told me which moves I was absolutely not to do. And a couple that I could do so long as I modified them.
Then…I had let them know that I had had some bleeding while taking one of the hormone medications. That was a red flag and was immediately scheduled for the first ultra sound appointment they could get me, with a follow up to discuss the results a couple of days later. The good news is that I don’t have PCOS and there weren’t any visible fibroids or tumors. I still have adenomyosis, and I’m assuming it is still active. I mean it won’t go away, but it should stop being an issue when in menopause. Which I am supposed to be in, but there is a question now since I bled twice in one month. So more labs have been added to my draw in a couple of weeks. But y’all….I’m turning into a fossil!! It’s my attempt at a joke about it. I have scarring and calcifications. She said it’s like having kidney stones, but in your uterus. It might explain my constant pain. During the follow up discussion, surgery was put back on the table.
But here’s the kicker, the hospital is at this time only allowing 2 surgeries per day. Period! They offered to refer me out if either of the other two hospitals were allowing more. I said unless I am emergent, which I am don’t believe I am, I’d like to wait for my doctor to do it. I told her I’m willing to wait a bit long (already waited over a year now) because I wouldn’t want to take a surgical spot away from someone who was in more dire straits.
Now as far as my cortisol goes, there are other reasons for it to be so high and I will be asking about them when I go in to see my functional med doctor next month. I will also know more hopefully about where I am hormonally. I’ll probably get a bit more info on how soon they would really like to have the surgery. Thinking about this surgery is not helping my stress levels and I know it’s not helping them get lowered. In addition to the yoga, I am hoping that art journaling will help too. What ways do you use art journaling to help with stress and anxiety, healing your traumas? How does one go about that?
In other wonderfully good news…the last bit of my past medical bill was finally paid off!!! WOOHOO!!
I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, if I will get around to posting so here’s my final post for 2021.
What a year, eh? I don’t think I can even wrap my head around it all. It’s all too much and too overwhelming.
It’s snowing in my corner of the world. Second day in a row. I think we’ve got some where between 6 and 8 inches so far. As I understand it, there is more to come. And we are under a Winter Storm Warning until later today. Here’s a peak at what we got so far:
I got boosted a couple of days ago. I was extra tired later that day. Yesterday and today my arm is just really sore. The injection site is red and warm, and to day it is a bit itchy. I’ve been told it is normal, so I’m trying not to freak out about it.
Last month I met with the nutritionist at my doctor’s office. She has apparently decided that I am insulin resistant and had me put on metformin. I also had to do a cortisol test, not fun by the way. It looks like my numbers are high, but I don’t know what it means. She wants me to limit my caloric intake to 1200, and to exercise (10k steps, resistance bands, etc.). She doesn’t seem to understand that fibro limits how much I can do. But it’s only been one visit with her, so we’ll see. And from what I’ve found out on my own is that 1200 calories and being insulin resistant is not a good combo. So I’m aiming to keep my intake to about 1400/1450. In October, my doc said my labs showed me to be in menopause and prescribed an estrogen medication which has caused me to have bleeding twice in one month, both a week long (and two weeks apart). I’m dreading having to tell him/them about it. I’m afraid when I tell him, he’s going to want me to have the surgery after all.
My Word of the Year: As I mentioned in a previous post, SOVEREIGN/TY started coming up as my potential word. I really was not sure about it. It seems like such an odd choice in some ways. Yet the more I tried to find a different word, the more SOVEREIGN keeps showing up. Oh and the phrase “SACRED SOVEREIGNTY”. Seriously?! These two words are showing up everywhere, without me even looking for them. So I’m sitting here thinking okay Universe, I get it…these are my words.
I’m so looking forward to Book of Days starting in a couple of days. I wish I could do Moonshine too. There are so many classes I wish I could be taking. But I think if I took them all, I would need to clone myself to do them all lol.
I am going to do my best to focus on my art and photography in 2022. I realized that I had really slacked off with photography these last few months. Writing, well…I’m not giving up on that. I just don’t know what I want to do with it. I think I want to do more blogging, I slacked of with that a bit too. Maybe aim for weekly posts at the very least.
I watched some very random tarot readings for Scorpio on YouTube a couple of days ago. Just to see what they were about. I don’t usually do that, I don’t normally watch tarot readings on there at all. But each one that I watched there seemed to be a running theme. Let go of the past. Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Transformation. Live your dream(s). Healing pain from the past. Creativity. References to the butterfly and phoenix, rebirth, renewal, transformation, change. Connect with your inner child.
I haven’t done my own reading yet. I often don’t feel confident enough to do my own readings. I don’t know the cards well enough and I don’t know how to read them intuitively. I know, I can’t learn if I don’t do it. I guess maybe part of my problem is that while I like the decks that I have, I don’t feel particularly attached or connected to any of them. I’m fascinated with how people can do a reading with both tarot and oracle cards together.
Anyway…If by chance I don’t have an opportunity to post tomorrow I wish you all a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous New Year. May it be filled with Magic and Love and All Good Things. Blessings to you and yours.
Happy December Eve! How the heck did we get here already? How is there 31 days left to the year when it feels like it’s barely started OR worse, just one long continuous loop of 2020. UGH!! I’m not really ready, but here we are.
I’m so over holidays. The commercialism of it all. The incessant need (is that the right word?) to feel like one has to spend a fortune on gifts so that the recipients aren’t disappointed. Feeling like you have to buy piles of things for someone instead of one gift being sufficient. I’m so over it all. I hate seeing people feel guilty because they may not have bought enough stuff.
I’m trying to pick up the hook again. The crochet hook that is. Working on something that I started long before I ever moved here. I don’t even know if I’m using the same hook size that I was. And it took me a minute or two to figure out what stitch I was doing. But I got it now, I think.
I’m so freaking behind on word count. I haven’t even broken the half way mark. But, that’s still okay. I’ve written everyday and each word is one more that I didn’t have. Today is the last day of NaNo. I’ve not done as well as I wanted to, hoped to. I’m okay with it…I think.
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m either not enough or I’m too much. I’m tired of people being annoyed with me for stepping in or being pissed off because I didn’t. It’s frustrating!!! And if I remove myself from a situation because someone doesn’t want me to tell a child to stop raiding the snack jar without permission, or leaving the door wide open giving inside cats a chance to escape, or running around screaming like a lunatic, or being overly rough with toys or other things, or insert any number of things…so if I remove myself to a quiet space and avoid the confrontations, then I’m being anti-social or rude or just a plain old bitch.
I’m starting to the think about my word for 2022. The word “SOVEREIGN” came to mind, or “SOVEREIGNTY”. Leaning towards the latter at the moment, but word choice is as always subject to change. Or maybe I should go with “HOLY”? What does the word sovereign bring up for you? Thoughts? Feelings? What does it mean to you? I am still holding on to SACRED, as we aren’t done with each other yet. This will be our third year together. This year’s word was INTENTION(AL). I think I dropped the ball with it.
Past Word of the Year that I have had: 2011 — FREEDOM 2012 — CREATIVE ALCHEMY 2013 — DARE 2014 — EMERGE/AUTHENTIC SELF 2015 — RECLAIM 2016 — ACCEPTANCE 2017 — DREAM 2018 — SURRENDER 2019 — SACRED 2020 — SACRED 2021 — INTENTION(AL) also carried SACRED again.
In 2011, I think I achieved that one, as I left an abusive marriage. Depending on who you talk to, other people would probably say that it was all in my head. That I was making something out of nothing. But daily gaslighting and living with a narcissist (after having been raised by one)… my sanity was stake. It felt like things were escalating and I didn’t want to stick around for things to turn physical, and the signs for that were there. The others, even though I chose them or them me, there wasn’t a lot of follow through with them. Though, I did do a lot of dreaming in 2017. Sacred isn’t done with me yet. Nor I with it. I’m still seeking my path. Organized religion isn’t it. I guess I identify mostly as a Pagan, with leanings towards being a Witch, interests in being a Druid, and interests in the Divine Feminine mostly Celtic Goddesses and Mary/Mary Magdalene. I’m feeling eclectically chaotic because I feel pulled in so many directions. I can see myself being a Kitchen/Hedge/Green Witch. I felt called to walk a different path almost 20 years ago. And here I am, still wandering in circles trying to figure shit out.
Tomorrow is another doctor’s appointment. This one is to discuss my weight because according to the BMI index (which is all sorts of f*cked up, but that’s another story) I am overweight and the doc would like me to try to lose a few pounds. The practitioner I see tomorrow specialize in metabolism, so I’ll be doing some sort of metabolic tests. I also need to do a cortisol test because my DHEA is out of whack, DHEA has to do with your adrenals. Anyway, it’s a too early o’clock appointment and it means no coffee or food. I’m interested in what she might have to say. I think my weight is hormonal, curious to see if I am right. But she is expensive and my insurance probably doesn’t cover passed the initial visit. Hopefully I’ll learn something from the visit that is useful.
Anyway, that’s about all I got for this one. Or at least what I can remember. I’ve only had this in my drafts for a few days lol. Happy Tuesday! Have a great week!!
This week is……. Well, it’s easy in the normal way of things. Bug comes over, we watch her. She plays. We feed her, we change her, we put her to nap, we wake her, we take her to Daddy. And then, rinse and repeat the routine for what ever week days her Mama works. Normal in the sense of gathering the foods we will be making for tomorrow, Thanksgiving here in the states. I’ve been disenchanted with the whole holiday. One of a handful of days out of the year where (in some not all cases) families gather to eat a big meal that costs a small fortune and are somewhat civil to one another. It repeats again in roughly thirty days at Christmas and then you mostly don’t exist until then next holiday or you’re needed for something. I know this is not the case with all families, but for a lot of them this is quite normal.
This is hard too. Yesterday, the 23rd, was 15 years since my Babci (my dad’s mom) died. Tomorrow, is the day it will always be for me regardless of what number the day she left me. She died on Thanksgiving day 15 years ago. So no matter what number is on the calendar that day, it will always be that day. And today just happens to be the hump day, the in between day of the date and the day. I’m torn. I’m relieved that she is no longer in pain. And she was in some god awful pain. I don’t think the meds touched it. But I’m angry, too. Angry that she left me. She was my voice of reason when my ex told me I was worthless or useless or that a meal that made was wrong in some way even when it wasn’t. She would be the voice that told me I wasn’t any of those things or that the meal was fine. I’m angry that the person who said she loved me unconditionally, didn’t believe me when I told things that happened to me. Saying things like “he wouldn’t do that, he’s your dad and he loves you.” She would sometimes say she wished she hadn’t moved to live with me because what she didn’t see and hear didn’t hurt her. But if she didn’t see and hear it, she wouldn’t have believed it. This much I knew. And he knew that if my people, my family didn’t believe it then it was “all in my head” and that “I was crazy or being dramatic” or whatever other phrase he’d toss out there.
Thanksgiving has never been the same for me, since that’s the day she died. Christmas hasn’t been the same since my Dad died on Christmas Eve almost 27 years ago. I guess we can just leave it at I’m angry at them both on some level.
The following quote was in an email newsletter I get every night: “This practice of inner hospitality means welcoming in whatever it is we are experiencing as having the possibility of wisdom for us. The Orphan [archetype] knows the power of tenderness and vulnerability and just wants to be seen, rather than fixed.”
Even though I wasn’t an orphan this quote kind of speaks to me. I was unseen, unheard, not believed. I have never wanted someone to “fix” me. I want to tell my inner child that I see her, hear her, believe her. But it’s hard to do when no one else did. It’s hard to do because when your adult self tries to talk about it with those who could have or should have had your back, didn’t or don’t believe you. When appearances indicate they believe the side of the narcissist.
I think some of this muck is the stuff I’m supposed to be letting go of. None of it, playing it over in my head or holding on to it, is serving me in any way except to keep me stuck in the thick of the muck. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t change the roles anyone played in what happened. I can’t make people believe me. I’m done trying to fit in to space that isn’t for me. All my life, I’ve tried to fit in and be a part of space that wasn’t for me. I’ve tried to be what I was told to be, what others wanted me to be. I’d done it for so long, I had completely forgotten who I am. Over the last few years, I’ve been untangling myself from their stories and lies. I don’t know if I am any closer to figuring shit out and I don’t know how far I’ve come in the untangling. I just know I don’t want to be the square peg trying to fit herself into the round hole because it’s what others want or expect.
This ended up a little heavier than I expected it to be. But I guess I had to get things out. I guess I should turn my focus to putting together Szarlotka (Polish Apple Crumble) before the apples are unusable. And I want to get some things out of the way for tomorrow, like pre chopping celery and onions, putting most of the green bean casserole together, and the candied yams. Going to peel and chop the potatoes too. If we can get the prep mess out of the way, then that’s less clean up tomorrow. Going to try making Instant Pot Mashed Potatoes for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it turns out good. Never made them this way before.
If you are gathering tomorrow I wish you a lovely and peaceful day.
Is that quite the mix? I can see where they would all go together and yet at the same time seem to be so far from each other as to make my head spin.
First I want to give a shout out to Effy for being real and keeping it real. Thank you for your realness and your authenticity!! Her last two posts, I did a lot of nodding and a-ha, yes girl!!
On Letting Go… It seems like that time of year where everywhere I look, that phrase is coming up. I hear it in my head all the time. But I never seem to know what it means. I don’t know what it is I am supposed to be letting go of. Well…maybe now, I know a little bit? I’m not sure.
You see, at a young age I learned to be “invisible”. To be “seen but not heard”, so I had no voice. If I cried I was told to stop or I’d be given something to cry for. If my cousin hit me I was not allowed to defend myself because I was older and knew better. So I got in trouble and they didn’t. If I tried to talk about traumatic things, I was told they weren’t true. That the person who did it would never do that. When I got older, if I tried to have my needs met or express myself…if I tried to disclose abuse or…well I think you get the idea. I was told I was “being dramatic”, “over reacting”, “all in my head.” So I kept getting silenced. I was afraid to shine, to be seen, to be heard. I think that maybe this is one of the things, the whole lot, that I need to work on letting go of. Let go of that narrative. To let go of the notion that self-care is selfish. Yeah, there’s that too.
Health: I got my additional labs back. I need to have my cortisol tested, which I will be doing next week when I meet with the nutrition/metabolic specialist about losing a few pounds. The functional medicine NP thinks my extra weight is hormonal/thyroid related. She’s adding an additional thyroid medication to my regimen. My Vitamin D is very low, so I have to take that as well. My DHEA is too high, which is why I need the cortisol test. This might be stress or anxiety related. And since I have been feeling my anxiety intensely at times, this makes some sense. I told her that I was also a DV survivor and though I haven’t been officially diagnosed, it is highly likely that I have PTSD. The DHEA also regulates our fight or flight response. And mine feels like I want to run far far away. I just wish I knew what was triggering me so hard. It’s so much easier to deal with when I know what the thing that set it off is. I also have to add Ashwagandha and Magnesium to my daily supplements. I am looking at some options to changing my eating habits. Eating better. I’m pretty sure my current soda and 3 Musketeers addiction is not doing me any favors. I’m thinking of looking at the Mediterranean diet again as well as maybe Whole 30/Paleo type and/or AIP. Only this time, instead of just looking at them that I actually put them into practice. Next week’s appointment is supposed to show me how my body metabolizes things. But counting calories and measuring portions/weighing my food is not my cuppa.
Self-care: What is that? How do I do that? How do I do it without feeling selfish? Or even being told that I’m selfish. I don’t know that the latter will be the case, but it has happened in the past. It’s becoming clear(er) to me, especially based on some of what I wrote that I need to learn how to put myself, my health, and my wellbeing first. Most of my life I have not been allowed to do that. Now, it is beginning to feel like I must do that. It might be that my life depends on it. This whole self-care journey will be a struggle for me as I come to grips with the fact that this is what I need. I can already feel the whole “you are being selfish” narrative looming over me. I can already hear the crack shots about what I am doing or eating, and I haven’t even started anything yet. My sister of my heart (cousin by blood) is suggesting I try some meditation along with adding movement like walking or yoga or simple stretches, in addition to making the dietary changes I might need. I was telling her how I can’t clear my mind enough to meditate, I can’t quiet myself enough. She was telling me how she uses a candle flame to focus on along with repeating a song or phrase for a set period of time. I told her how I was told that focusing on a flame was a dangerous practice and could end up hypnotizing me. She told me that should not happen so long as I set a timer for myself.
I am beginning to realize how much denying myself a creative practice is hurting me. All these real or perceived excuses for not getting into my art cave is not good for me. How procrastinating on having a creative practice, setting up different journals like a health bullet journal and a brain dump notebook for stuff like quotes and such… not doing these things is hurting me and I don’t think I have realized just how much until now.
You don’t know how many times I sit down to write a post and think … no body wants to read this, no body cares, all you’re doing is whining and no body wants to hear that. But there is another voice that is barely above a whisper that says to me… your story is your story. It happened. You went through it. You came out on the other side of it. If people don’t like it they should have treated you better, acted better, did more to help you. One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the people you thought were supposed to help you that you counted on to do so, sided with your abuser or just flat out didn’t believe you. And because of them, every time I tell a portion of my story I feel this deep in my bones that no one will believe me. This is a very hard thing to deal with. And it has caused me to have trust issues.
I have my wounds and my scars even if you can’t see them. I’ve been through things and survived. I’ve come out on the other side. Rebuilding my life, making a life that I want is not easy. Self care is hard. Letting go is hard. But I think I am worth it. Now if I can just put things into practice.
The Forgotten Muse 